I crashed into Edward, trying to push him back into the shadows before the Volturi killed him. He had his eyes closed and I begged him to look at me. He said something about how Carlisle was right and how the Volturi worked so quickly, he had not felt a thing. I tried to convince him and finally he began looking at me, comprehending what I was saying. He looked amazed and then said my name, quietly, as if he was afraid i would disappear. I said hi back.

We dealt with the Volturi and I heard the screams of the people who were food for them. I leaned against him on the plane ride back and I thought this was what I wanted....Edward...back in my life. I didn't feel the relief I expected...I was happy of course but I did not feel complete...as if something was still missing. I didn't know if that made me selfish but I couldn't be completely happy feeling like this. I feel asleep against Edward as we went back to Seattle. Alice and Jasper did not look at us, they seemed tense. Edward didn't look like he knew so I assumed Alice and Jasper were thinking of something else.

Edward and I went back to my place, to my room and started talking. He wanted me back and had been planning on coming back to beg my forgiveness if Rosalie hadn't called him and told him about me jumping off the cliff. I was laying between his legs, against his chest as he played with my hair. It felt nice, but I couldn't relax, I couldn't feel the happiness I wanted. I sat up and kissed him, trying to get a reaction from myself. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me back. It was completely different than it had been before he left. I did not forget to breath, it was nice but it was not amazing...I did not want to jump him. Yes, I loved him...but there was not anything else.

He didn't notice a difference, he just held me close again and began apologizing for everything he had done. I wasn't really listening, I was too busy trying to understand. How had this happened...I remembered Alice and Jasper and my heart skipped a beat. I I wanted them...but why? I had never wanted anyone but Edward and now he did not really interest me though I did not want to hurt him. I looked at him, saw his pained eyes and automatically felt terrible. He had broken my heart, shattered it into millions of pieces and it was just starting to heal...but I did not know how I would tell him this, how I would say, yea I saved you but I don't want to be with you. It seemed so cruel. A part of me reminded me of how cruel he had been when he had left me. I quickly contradicted myself by thinking he was just trying to protect me. I knew I had to do this soon before I changed my mind so I pushed those thoughts out of my head.

I sat up and looked at him, wringing my hands together and looking at the bed instead of at him. I tried to think of the words that I would use but did not know how to explain this to him. I gently put my hand on his cheek and he leaned into it. I wracked my brain trying to find an easier explanation but I just could not think of one. Finally, I decided it would just be better to tell him the truth. ...So I did.

"Edward, I'm happy you are back, that Alice and I got their in time to save you, that you still want me....but...things have changed for me."

He looked at me, pure confusion in his eyes, confusion and pain. I could not pry my eyes away from his and had to tell him while staring him in the eyes. It made things harder as I could see his eyes breaking as I told him.

"I've been broken since you left Edward but...things are starting to get better for me...finally, and I just, don't know if this, between us, is going to work. You hurt me more than I could bare and I don't want to go through that again. It is not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust myself. I couldn't get over you, I was stuck and I'm terrified of that happening again. I don't want to hurt you and I'm not doing this to try and get back to you for what you did to me. I still love you."

He was in pain, I could see it, and I knew my last statement would probably break him, like his had broken me. He was tense, scared, knowing what I was going to say before I actually said it. You did not have to be a mind reader to see where I was going with this conversation. I could not believe I was actually doing this. I had wanted him so much and now that I had him...

"Edward, I'm not in love with you anymore."

I called Alice after Edward went back to the Cullens and told her that I wanted her and Jasper at my place the next day as soon as possible. She did not understand because I did not understand. I had not made a decision yet as to what I was going to do. I needed an explanation and I was going to get it one way or another.

Sneak Peak

Alice, Jasper and I sat on my bed and were silent for a moment. I wanted to talk to them about what had happened that night when Alice and I had kissed but I did not know how to start. My head was spinning with everything that was happening. Now I was sitting on my bed, alone with a married couple and I had made out with one of them. I was still ashamed of myself but thinking about it aroused me. I saw Jasper raise an eyebrow and blushed.