"Beneath that bright smile, is a world of pain."
(-)
It's beneath three months since Sunnydale's destruction. Three months since the man she loved sacrificed himself to protect the world. Three months since she started this gave of pretend that Buffy was okay.
In those three months, she lead everyone to where they were now. She helped Giles set up the new Watchers and Slayers Council. And aided in finding, recruiting and training the new Slayers for their cause. She still saved the world on a regular basis and still acted as a friend to everyone when they needed it.
Like when Willow and Kenedy broke up, she was the one who brought the ice cream to cheer up her redheaded "friend". Or when Xander finally felt Anya's death, she was the one who stayed with him while he drank his sorrows away. She was everyone's bestfriend.
But no one was hers.
She made sure of this. She made sure that none of them knew that underneath her bright, strong, independent appearance laid a woman who still mourned the man she lost. She made sure that no one knew she was still suffering from losing Spi-that man.
She sighs. She can't even say his name without choking. But that wasn't the sad part in all of this. Because what was truly sad was that despite her constant and very obvious avoidance to the name and anything that reminded her of that man, no one seemed to noticed that she was doing this. No one seemed to care. In fact everyone was just glad that she wasn't getting hung up on her vampire.
Of course they would be happy, it simply meant that they didn't have to deal with depresso-Buffy while they moved on with their lives.
And she was fine with that. She was used to that. That constant feeling of being alone in the world. She was used to it. She was happy with it. Contented with that fact. She didn't need any-
A tear fell on down her eyes as she continued to say these words to herself.
It was a lie. She hated being alone. She hated that she had to hide her feelings. She hated that she had to pretend to be happy. She hated that no one can see her pain nor tried to understand it.
It was just so sad and hard and-
God! She really missed him.
She dropped on her bathroom floor and hugged herself and cried. It was in moments like these when she missed him the most. Moments when she had reached the end of her wits in pretending that she was okay.
She was not okay!
She was anything but okay. And she knew she would never be okay because he wasn't there.
He was never gonna be there.
He was gone and no matter how many times she wished that he wasn't, he was never coming back.
But it never stopped her from wishing. Wishing that he would return. Wishing that he would come and make things better for her.
"Come back, Spike, please come back to me..." she silently pleaded in between her sobs.
But no one ever came. He never came. Because he was gone and she was left alone to deal with the pain in all of this.
(-)
Unknown to the crying Slayer, someone was listening to her pleas. She had came into the room to inform her that the potential that they got from Asia had arrived and that Giles wanted her to meet with the said potential.
She had knocked, but when no one answered she entered the room, and heard that the other woman was in the bathroom. She was about to make her presence known, but stopped herself when she heard the woman sobbing inside.
Her heart tightened as she can hear the pain from the other woman who was crying in the bathroom. She wanted to go inside and comfort her, tell her that everything was going to be alright. But she didn't. She knew nothing was alright. And her saying so to the woman would only push her further away from her, because based on her experience, she knew that the Slayer wouldn't accept anything from her. She wouldn't accept any sort of help from her or her friends.
She simply didn't want their help. And it pained her because they were also the reason why the strongest woman they knew refused to ask for their help. They pushed her away after all. They were the ones who kicked her out. And when all was done, not one of them apologized for doing so. Not one of them said that they regretted doing that to their Slayer.
It was their own fault that she didn't trusted them. It was their own fault that she wouldn't come to them. And now, she could do nothing but regret what had happened and wish that things were different. Wish that her sister didn't secretly hate all their guts. Wish that her sister didn't have to hide her loneliness from them. Wish that her sister would finally be her sister again.
She missed Buffy.
The real Buffy.
She wished she would come back. She would do anything for that woman to come back.
Sadly, she knew she couldn't do anything about that. She knew that only one person could bring her sister back. And she needed that person back.
She needed Spike back.
She blinked her eyes to prevent her own tears from appearing.
That thought rung heavily on her mind everytime she'd make that wish to get her sister back, because with that thought came pain of the lost of another important person in her life that she also blamed herself for losing.
Spike was her friend and was like the big brother she never had. He protected her. Loved her and was always there for her. But when he did that to Buffy, she hated him. But that hate should've disappeared when he came back to make things right.
But she was too stubborn and young to accept his apology, and instead of friendship, she threatened him. And that was the one and only time she had of him. The one and only chance she ever had to make things right for them. And she regrets that.
She regrets a lot of things and wishes for many things to go back to the way they were before.
You can't change the past.
She knows this.
But it doesn't stop her from wishing that she could.
She hurriedly moved away from the bathroom, the moment she heard her sister move around inside. She knew that Buffy was done with her crying and was again going to be wearing the mask of nothing-was-wrong-with-me.
She hated that mask, but knew there was nothing she could do to remove it. Only one person could remove that mask from her and that person was gone.
The only thing she can do was wear a mask of her own and hide her own awful feelings so everyone would believe that everything was right in the world despite that deep inside she knew that it really wasn't.
(-)
Chapter End Notes:
And that was that! Thanks for reading and leave a review to tell me what I did wrong or just to show your appreciation for the story. Thanks again and have a pleasant day!