The following days were all a blur to Ashley. There were debriefings, meetings with the new council, and lots of crying on her part. She kept up a good front when in front of most of the crew, but those who knew her knew that she was on the verge of breaking down. Each day was harder then the first. Everyone was taking about Shepard in the past tense and her mind refused to believe it. The last night before they were granted shore leave, Ashley stormed out of Andersen's office because he had told them the crew would not be granted to do an investigation into the Normandy's destruction. In fact they were not to mention why they were in that sector to begin with. For the first time in her career she was crude and disrespect to a commanding officer, well Councilman in this case, but in her mind he deserved it. After everything Andersen had done to help them stop Saren and Sovereign, it was a slap in the face to Shepard and everyone who served under him to say that it was all a waste of time. It was Andersen's request they went out to that damn sector, it was his fault that Shepard died.

The crew all stayed together on the shore leave instead of scattering like usual. They all knew there time together was short, so they wanted to remain a family as long as they could. Ashley was beyond grateful when Tali offered to room with her. Despite her bitter feelings towards aliens, Tali had become a great friend in their travels. She was the one whom she talked to about her feelings for Shepard and possibly was the only the only one who knew just how much she loved him.

"Have you talked to your family?" Tali asked breaking the silence of the room. The Chief was silently unpacking a small bag almost mindlessly. She wished to the creator that she knew what to say to her, but she was buried in her own grief. If it was for Shepard. Just thinking his name had tears building up and she was grateful for her mask. Shepard had gone out of his way countless times to help her on her Pilgrimage it was the reason why she stayed with him when she should have left. It was an honor to serve under such a great commander. There was no quarian alive that could ever live up to the human.

Ashley paused for a moment. Word of the Normandy was bound to be start spreading soon. Everything told her to pick up the Comm and reassure her family that she was alive, but just couldn't bring herself to do it. "I'm going to take a shower." Was all she said.

Tali frowned after her.

The warm water was refreshing. She bowed her head to let the water beat down on her shoulders. The warm feeling it created brought back butter sweet memories. She closed her eyes to try to block them only there was no stopping it. She needed those moments she shared with Shepard, if she lost them then she lost herself. So she let it take her over completely.

All she wanted was a shower. Her body was broke and bruised almost every where and was in no mood to handle any questioning. So as cowardly as it was, Ashley had abandoned Shepard to talk to Andersen about what the hell had just happened. They had survived the impossible. Though the fight had damaged the Citadel heavily, searn was dead and so was Sovereign. There was a moment there she was sure she had lost Shepard, but to her relief he came limping out of the rumble with a shit eating grin on his face. Yes Commander Shepard, first human Specter and captain of the Normandy, had stopped the Geth attack from wiping out the entire Citadel. Sure the council had been lost but so many lives had been saved in the process. If it wasn't for rules and regulations, she would have leapt in his arms and kissed him silly. She laughed at the imagery of that. If she had tried they both would have hit the ground, it was only because of the adrenaline that they were moving in the first place.

By some miracle she made her way to the Normandy undetected. Half the Citadel was in shambles and she was surprised that the Normandywasn't working to help with the clean up. What eve reason she was grateful there wasn't a soul in site. Locking herself in Shepard's quarters she carefully stripped herself of her armor. She looked at herself in the mirror and grimaced. Where her armor had ripped there were long gashes she had put med gel on to help ease the pain. They were to her right shoulder and hip. The rest of her body was beginning to darken with bruises. It wouldn't be such a bad thing to get checked out, there was no telling if she was walking on broken bones with out an exam. But she wanted a shower and by god she was going to get one. Then she was going to hunt up Shepard, find a quite place, and make love to him until they were to weak to speak.

Because her thoughts had preoccupied her, she hadn't heard Shepard's door click and whoosh open. Ashley nearly lost her balance when the shower door opened but found herself in familiar arms before she could fall. Panicked, Shepard pulled her against her clothed body, "Ash?" He whispered brushing her wet hair from her face.

"Jesus Shepard just stab me next time." The rest of her curse was lost as his mouth descended onto hers. Fully cloth, Shepard stepped under the hot stream holding on to her for dear life. The desperation in his touch and kiss had her knees trembling. She found something oddly comforting about having her wet body pressed firmly against his clothed body. His hands sparked a thousand fires in their path as he cupped her face, "John?"

It was the first time she ever spoken his first name. The shock of it had her drawing away, "I just-." He took a moment to collect his scattered thoughts. Once Andersen took him away he was filled with this unexplained anxiety. He had to see her, to make sure that she was actually safe. He was reassured time after time that his crew was indeed safe, it didn't help ease the pressure in his chest. It only eased the moment he saw her in the shower and acted without thinking. "God Ash I just couldn't- I needed."

She cupped his face being careful to avoid the gash he had acquired during the battle, "We're okay." She assured struggling to hold back her tears. She wouldn't shed them now, she wouldn't be weak. "We're alive."

Just hearing it wasn't enough. He had to feel it and by the way Ashley clung to him he knew she did as well. Effortlessly, he hoisted her up on his hips turning her mouth back to his. With much struggle, Ashley managed to peel his soaked shirt from his body. She only had a moment to take in his injuries before they were falling onto his bed.

Ashley shook away the memory now huddled in the corner of the shower with her knees bugged tightly to her chest. They didn't have enough time together. There was so much she wanted to tell him that night and the others that followed. They never had much time to speak outside of the bedroom and even within the safe guards of the walls not much was said. Their time was too precious to waste with words. But Ashley thought they had all the time in the world, now she was left with knowledge that he never truly knew how much she loved him.

Tali switched off the shower. Ashley had even realized that it had gone ice cold. "Come on." She handed the chief a towel before helping her to her feet. It was like moving a doll. There was just no life left in her anymore and that broke Tali's heart. She was always the one who was the most outgoing on the ship. Always there to share stories in the mess hall or engage in games of poker to round up the crew. The marine always had a smile. Now Tali wondered if Ashley would ever smile again.

yes no maybe??? I don't know everything i write doesn't sound right but here it is. sorry to me is sounds like I'm being repetitive and I'm trying to fix it hopefully next chapter. enjoy