Tricks The Mind Plays.

2. Burdens

"He swore to stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter.. From that day on, her needs would come first.''

He sighed. She didn't remember. He had a choice to make.

'Kathryn..'

She saw things in his eyes she hadn't expected. He seemed reluctant to talk about it, and she didn't understand why.

'What is it? Come on, I just want to know how we became friends,' she pushed on.

'We didn't really have a choice,' he tried. 'Our crews were forced to work together, you were the Captain of this vessel, I was the Captain of mine. It wasn't a difficult decision for me to make, you were already commanding Voyager, the best I could do was try to help both our crews get home.'

'That's how we became the command team of this ship. Not how we became friends,' she said softly. 'I'm sorry I don't remember yet.. But if you're unwilling to talk about it I'll find out for myself.'

He looked down at his hands. 'It's not.. We don't chose who we become friends with, Kathryn,' he said. 'We just.. You know, it just happened. And I'm glad it did.'

Kathryn nodded, taking a sip from the drink still in her hands. 'I.. I felt something similar on Quarra, I think..'

'With Jaffen?' He didn't really want to know but if she needed to talk about it he would be there for her and listen. He was her friend.

And he wasn't a fool, he had seen the connection between Kathryn on the planet and Jaffen, a man who reminded him of himself. She could have been happy with him.

'Yes. I didn't really know him but I trusted him instinctively. I can't explain it.'

'Two souls who recognize each other,' he said. She nodded. 'I don't really.. Believe in this philosophy, but an ancient philosopher had the idea that humans were really four arms, four legs and two heads. They were too strong for the gods, so they were split in half, doomed to search their lives for their soul mate.'

Chakotay nodded. 'My people have a similar legend. But unlike you, I do believe it's true.'

Kathryn directed her eyes towards the viewport, looking out into the stars.

'It felt like home, Chakotay.'

He looked at her, seeing sadness in her eyes. His heart reached out to hers, wanting to comfort her but if she didn't remember their closeness that wouldn't be a good idea. He decided she needed time. 'I know. It was home.'

She was so glad he understood, even though the ship was filled with crewmembers who had gone through the same, Chakotay's support and opinion meant a lot to her.

They talked a little more about the rescue, how others were doing, how B'Elanna and all the other crewmembers who had been in a relationship were adjusting to their former lives, and about the rescue mission itself. After another hour Kathryn yawned. 'I think I'm finally going to be able to sleep. If you'll excuse me, I have a ship to run tomorrow.'

'Me too. Good night, Kathryn,' he said, standing. She just nodded.

He was almost out the door when he turned one last time. 'You know I'm here when you want to talk.'

She nodded again. 'I appreciate it. Good night, Commander.'

The following day proved to be quite uneventful. Janeway was grateful because it gave her a chance to catch up to her life, and she had a feeling some of her crew felt the same.

She spoke to an ensign she had never really gotten to know, but on Quarra, the woman had experienced the same things she had. She had fallen in love, even moved in with the man within the course of three weeks. The feelings that came with having that ripped from you wasn't something many people would understand, but Kathryn confided in the young woman and found it comforting.

The two women were sharing a cup of coffee in the mess hall. Ensign Nelson, a capable crewmember who worked in engineering, smiled sadly. 'I can still remember exactly how I felt. What I felt for him, I don't think I've ever felt it before.'

'Why didn't you ask me to let him stay?' Kathryn asked.

She would have allowed it without question, especially since she knew the man from the power plant as a skilled engineer.

'We talked about it.. But he was like Jaffen, he really came there to have a better life. And I guess he found it. I just couldn't take that away from him.'

Janeway nodded. 'I understand. You'll be ok, Ensign. What's your first name?'

'Olivia,' the woman answered. 'All right, Olivia.' Janeway could really use a friend on this matter and she felt like she had found one.

'What about you, Captain?' the ensign asked. 'Why didn't Jaffen stay?'

Kathryn sighed. 'Being a Captain.. It doesn't really allow for relationships like that, especially with my crew,' she explained. 'It just wouldn't be appropriate.'

Olivia frowned. 'But you and the Commander..' Then she stopped. 'Never mind.'

'Me and the Commander are very good friends, Olivia. That's all,' Janeway said.

'Being a Captain sounds like a lonely job,' Olivia mused. Janeway nodded. 'It can be. But that's the life we choose.'

'But we're so far from home, from the Federation.. With all due respect, Captain.. You can't do this alone, no one can..'

Kathryn knew the young woman was right. She couldn't do it alone.

And suddenly she remembered something.

'To make her burden lighter..' she whispered.

'What?'

'Nothing, Olivia, I just remembered something. That's all.'

'It's a strange feeling,' Olivia said. 'The memories just reappear, out of the blue, don't they? It's unnerving sometimes. I hope it ends soon, it's driving me nuts. Today it happened during the diagnostic on the warp core, I almost terminated it halfway through because it really startled me!'

Janeway laughed. 'B'Elanna wouldn't have been too happy with you then.'

'I know, right?'

Janeway looked at the young woman. Olivia was hurt, like herself, but still keeping her spirits up high. She would get through this. They all would.

She decided not to burden Olivia with memories about Chakotay and her inability to interpret them, like the one that had just come back to her. The ensign had enough on her mind already.

'I heard from someone in Engineering that Lieutenant Olsen has a crush on me,' Olivia continued. 'Or at least he did, before Quarra.'

Janeway smiled. 'He's a good officer. We shouldn't rush things, Olivia. It'll take all of us a while to get back to our normal selves.'

Olivia nodded. 'The Doc called it a 'highly traumatic experience.' He was right.'

Kathryn recognized those words, it were the same words her EMH had spoken to her when she was released from sickbay.

'You should read Captain Picard's essay on adjusting to a former life, he had a similar experience. It's in the news feed, I recommend you look at it. It could help,' she suggested. She had read the essay and found it comforting, because she knew Picard was now very happily engaged to his Doctor. On the other hand, it presented her with a problem: If he could be engaged to a crewmember, so could she.

The two women talked a little more about their experience, until their break was over and Olivia had to get back down to Engineering. Kathryn smiled and greeted her new friend, telling her to call whenever she needed to talk. Also, she recommended Olivia ask Lieutenant Olsen out on a date, just to talk. It might help them both.

Olivia left with a smile at her Captain, wanting to recommend she do the same with Chakotay but not brave enough to tell her CO. Maybe she would talk to B'Elanna.

A/N: I watched Workforce again, and Chakotay's struggle made me want to write an entire stream-of-consciousness chapter on him. But I didn't because it might turn out to be boring.. Maybe I will, though, because personally I love writing it.