Tears streamed down my hollow cheeks, splattering on the fresh ink of the letter I just finished writing. I watched as the some of the words dispersed. The tears wouldn't stop coming, the feeling of warm streams sent goosebumps across my cold arms. My body began to shake as I let out wales of despair. I could barely look at my hands, my fingers were just skin coated bones. My guild emblem wrinkled on top of my skeletal hand.
"Lucy" a soft sympathetic voice spoke. I looked up through wet eyes. Loki. He gave me a slight smile "Everything is going to be okay. I promise. We all do" he gestured for me to turn around in my desk chair. Behind me was all of my spirits. Glimmering in the warm gold light. Each had a giant smile plastered on their familiar faces. Some had tears to match my own.
"You guys" I cried harder. They all came through on their own. They care about me just as much as I care about them. Our love is one thing I know I could never forget. I have to get better, not just for Natsu, but for myself, my guild...and my spirits "Th- thank you"
"You took a step in the right direction princess," Virgo said as she wiped the tears from my face.
"Virgo is right Lucy. I know I've been pestering for you to write to your mother, but you finally did it on your own" Loki proudly stated.
"I overheard you last night" I peered down. I felt the air become stiffen "I heard you say that you are afraid of my dying. As I laid there, I wished that I would. That I would slip away. And as I heard you and Virgo cry, all of you came to my mind. My bond with you, my friendships with my guild-mates, the love I have for a certain dragon slayer. I was being selfish at that moment. I would never want to hurt any of you. And if I allowed myself to die, that's the one thing I'll be doing. I swore to myself last night that I will fix my broken mind. I won't let myself die!" I cried out
"We won't let you," they all said in unison
Over the next few days, the nightmares continued, and same with the aftermath. As much as I tried to eat, everything that went down my body would reject. It came to the point where I actually started to throw up blood. How could I have let this gone on for so long? Why wasn't I strong enough to know something was wrong with me. How did I not feel my body weaken and the loss of my magic? I was sick, I was broken. I cried into the toilet. Too weak to even stand.
"Princess, let me help clean up" Virgo twisted the nob of the tub. She patiently helped me up, undress and into the warm water of the bath. I sat there, looking at my thinned legs has she cleaned the contents of my stomach
"You're getting better princess" "Don't lie Virgo" I traced the visible veins on my leg "It doesn't suit you" she came over and began to help wash my hair. Silent tears cascaded. I don't know what would have happened to me if I didn't have my spirits love and help. They've been taking care of me more then I could ever them.
"You received a letter. It's from Natsu and the others" She rinsed my golden hair "Did you want to read it when we are all done, princess?"
"No" I sighed as my heart ached. I could just picture the goofy smile plastered on the pink haired dragon slayer. His letters were always full of happiness, telling me about the adventure and the quest. He always goes into deep detail on each fight. Even the ones where he and Gray get at it. Natsu never wants me to feel left out. Usually, I get one letter a week, but two in one? Seemed a little odd.
"I could read it to you instead if you wished" Virgo drained the tub and held out a hand.
"No, thank you" Virgo looked at me, a flash of melancholy crossed her eyes. She wrapped me in a white fluffy towel and opened the door to the main room.
"I'm getting tired. I am going to head back now princess. I'll be back later tonight" Virgo bowed and shimmered away in the gold light
"Thank you, Virgo" even though my spirits come through on their own to help me, only Loki can stay the longest. No surprise to that. He did spend three years in the human world. Plus he's the leader of the Zodiac. With little energy, I clothed myself in one of Natsu's spare tee shirts. Aries and Gemini went and took some from his and Happy's house a while back. They thought it would help bring me comfort. A sad smile crept across my lips. It differently did bring me comfort. They smelled like him. Like burning wood during winter. I glanced at the table, a glass of water was placed there beside the letter Virgo spoke of. It was strange that I received two in one week. Hopefully, everything was alright. I picked up the letter and the glass. Suddenly the sensation of weightlessness washed over me. The glass slipped through my hand, crashing and breaking on the wooden floor. My body followed suit. My vision became blurred. I tried to call out, but the lack of oxygen failed my lungs.
Natsu…
Warmth? I slowly opened my eyes. Light pooled in through the open windows. The sun? My eyes burned and watered. I haven't seen actual sunlight in a month. I always kept the curtain closed. I moved my eyes around to see my surroundings. I gasped. Bolting upward
"Ow!" I gripped my throbbing head. What happened? I don't remember blacking out
"Lucy!" a girls voice
"You're finally awake" Another, softer and lighter "We were starting to get worried." I turned to the sound of them speaking. To my surprise, it was Levy and Mira-Jane. I wasn't back in my apartment
"L-Levy? Mira?" I looked around confused.
"Don't worry. We brought you to Porlyusica's" Levy said as she sat down on the bed beside me. Mira walked over and handed me a cup of water.
"Loki asked if we could watch over you earlier today. When we got to your apartment we found you unconscious and bleeding. You fell in the broken glass" Mira filled me in
"We didn't know what caused you to faint. But Porlyusica said it because of lack of food. Lu, why didn't you say anything?" Levy asked. Mira sat in the chair next to the bed
"Loki said it was bad. He didn't tell us how bad it was." Mira said. They both look so upset. And I caused that. I had to turn away from their heartbroken gazes.
"Because I didn't know how bad it was myself. I only thought my mind was broken. Not my body too. I swore Loki and the others to secrecy. I didn't want all of you to worry" I looked out the window, I forgot how beautiful the East Woods looked. The glimmering green leaves shined in the sun as a breeze came through. Butterflies fluttered, bunnies hopped and ate their full of plush grass.
"Lucy, you are our guild-mate. Your pain is ours. You should have come to us for help" Mira jolted out the chair and made me face her. Tears formed in her deep blue eyes. "When we found you, you were hardly breathing"
"Mira is right Lu. We were honestly scared you wouldn't make it the last few days." what? I looked at them in disbelief
"How long was I out for?"
"Three days," Levy said. Sorrow in her voice
"I see you've finally awoken" all three of us looked towards the open door. There stood Porlyusica herself and Master Makarov.
"Master!" Mira fluttered over. "You're back from your trip to the capital"
"Yes. Loki found me and told me about Lucy. I came as quickly as I could" Master walked to my bedside "How you feeling child" I couldn't look him in the eye. I couldn't lie to him. He was there when I had my panic attack at the guild a month ago. He made me promise to seek help for my nightmares or else he would contact team Natsu. I promised that I would just so he didn't speak a word to the others. I had broken that promise.
"Bad" I mustered out "I don't know how to fix myself. I'm so sorry I made you worry!" I cried into my bandaged hands "I didn't want anyone to know"
"No reason to cry. What's done is done. All we can do know is try to help heal our own. That is what a guild is for"
"H-how. I can't eat or sleep. When I do I see him." Levy pulled me in while Mira stroked my hair. "I see his body, I'm covered in his blood. I cant save his life. I let him die" I cried heavily into Levy's shoulder "I killed him"
"But you didn't. Because of you and your strength, you saved Natsu's Life" Makarov proudly reminded me
"I know. But my mind keeps showing me the shortest moment of doubt. It keeps replaying over and over. Each nightmare becomes longer and more real."
"The lack of sleep is causing her brain to slowly shut down. As you can see by her appearance, lack of appetite is also affecting her" Porlyusica said has she gather ingredients. "My healing abilities are not enough to heal her mind. But I can help with her hunger."
"Maybe we should send word to the others. Wendy might be able to help" Master said to no one in particular. My heart raced
"No! Please don't Master. If you contact Wendy, Natsu would surely know and come back. That's the last thing I want. Please, anything else."
"Lu, why is it so important to you that Natsu doesn't find out." Levy nudged
"I don't want him to think I am weak. Plus, look at me, Levy. I'm a walking stick! He has gone through so much, I don't want to ruin his happiness."
"Last time I checked, Natsu would never judge you." Mira said with a smile "Plus I think he likes you too much to care what you look like" She giggled as a rosy blush crept up.
"His happiness is you," Master said. I looked at him with wide eyes "Natsu has always been a happy child, always grinning away no matter the situation. But once you've entered his life, his smile grew"
"I can agree to that" Levy and Mira both laughed. Porlyusica came over with a small sipping bowl in her hands.
"Drink this. It should help with regaining back your appetite" I took the bowl from her and slowly drank the thick green liquid. "You should be well enough to go back home. I have jars filled that you can take. Three times a day, and over the next week start to integrate solid foods back into your system. It will take some time, but you should be back to a healthy eating routine."
"Thank you," I said. "But how am I suppose to help with the nightmares?"
"I'm considered seeking out Shelia," Makarov said aloud
"Good idea master. She uses almost the same healing magic that Wendy does" Mira chimed
"Yeah, but can she heal the mind?" Levy questioned
"Its worth a shot. Besides, she won't be able to heal it back to its original state. That is up to Lucy herself." I listened to them talk about aids to help me. I looked down at my guild mark, droplets splattered on it. Why was I so stupid to shelter myself away from them. Only weaklings shy away from help… I guess I really am weak.
"Don't cry" Master started "Remember what I told you"
"Happy moments, sad moments.." Levy spoke
"We can't share all of them" Mira joined
"But whenever possible we will shoulder it together" I finished
"Now hold your head up high child" I smiled through the tears. Raised my head as high as I could. I refuse to be weak. I can't keep crying forever. Because I'm a proud member of Fairy Tail!