The Haruhi and Kyouya You Do Dolls
A/N: This is meant for those who find adult humor funny. If you are not of age or do not find adult humor funny, do not read this.
Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran or the idea of You Do Dolls.
It was another boring day in the third music room, when the hidden door to the Black Magic Club creaked open. The Hitachiin brothers were the only ones in the area, so they wanted to see what Nekozawa senpai wanted. "I have created two new dolls." He produced a Haruhi doll and a Kyouya doll from his dark cloak. "Here is some American CDs I got from my cousin who is visiting America. He says that they should do you some good, but don't listen to them until you use the dolls properly."
"Okay, how much do we owe you?" said the twins as Kaoru took the Kyouya doll and Hikaru took the Haruhi doll.
"This is free of charge. Since you helped me reunite with my dear sister Kirimi, it was the least I can do." He smirked as he disappeared into the shadows.
"This is going to be fun." The twins said as they got out their walkmans and placed the CDs inside. "That devil bitch Eclaire is coming today, so lets make this last."
The ladies started walking in, and today's theme was American Mobsters. Tamaki was dressed as Al Capone, Kyouya was dressed as George "Machine Gun" Kelly, Honey and Mori were dressed as showgirls, and Haruhi was dressed as one of Capone's lackys.
Just as things were getting underway, the twins faked getting sick and ran into the nearest bathroom, which was attached to the third music room. They put the headphones on the dolls and pressed play. Haruhi was talking with some of the girls when they ran out of coffee. She got up to tell Tamaki that she was going out to buy some more after hours, but as she got close enough to him. She felt something take over her. Instead of "I'm going to get more coffee when the guests leave", the most vulgar thing came out as "The royal penis is clean your highness."
Tamaki turned bright red and the ladies and other hosts were silent as Haruhi clasped her hands over her mouth. "Ha…ru…hi?" said Tamaki as the twins were shocked from the bathroom, because she had said it as loud as she possibly can. Eclaire had obviously heard her, so she was trying her best not to get up and punch that Haruhi's lights out.
"Hikaru! Turn the CD player off!" said Kaoru as he was making vomiting sounds.
"I'm trying!" Hikaru said as he fiddled with the CD player, finally getting it off. "Oh god, Haruhi will never speak to us again if she finds out."
"Who said she has to find out?" said Kaoru as the evil glint in his eyes, but he accidentally pressed play on his CD player to Kyouya's doll. Kyouya had gotten up to suggest that Haruhi take the rest of the day off before she humiliated herself and the other hosts any further. He was within three feet of the blushing Tamaki and the humiliated Haruhi when he felt a tingle in his brain. Out of nowhere, the phrase "Fuck that bitch up the ass" escaped his lips. Now Kyouya was blushing with humiliation and Tamaki was very angry.
"How dare you suggest that I do such an indecent thing to my daughter?!" he said getting up in Kyouya's face before his head blew up.
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!" said Kyouya as he tried to walk away. However Haruhi had pushed him aside and started dancing.
"Dontcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Dontcha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?" She started taking off her top to reveal a lace bra.
"Haruhi! Daddy says to put your clothes back on!" said Tamaki as he was trying to cover her breasts from being seen. From the bathroom the twins were rushing to try and get the stop button to work. Eclaire was mortified to find out that Haruhi was a girl, and so were Haruhi's fans. They were traumatized to find out that the man they had been lusting for was a woman.
The newspaper club was having a field day on the ceiling. Not saying a word, they were snapping pictures left and right to capture the scoop. "Now students will read this issue because this is actually true. Good thing I paid for those dolls before hand and told Nekozawa to give them for free." Said the president to himself with misguided glee. One of his lackys was with a tape recorder, and the other with a video camera capturing all the action. When Haruhi began to strip, they found out that she was a girl and their noses began to bleed.
Kyouya saw the blood falling from the ceiling and looked up. He saw the newspaper club with cameras, a tape recorder and a video camera and he changed into a vengeful person. He took out a bow and arrow set he kept with him at all times, and he shot the ropes that were keeping the newspaper club up. He ran up to them and demanded all the evidence be destroyed. "You have made an enemy of the Ootori Family. Prepare to die." He said as he put an arrow in each of their heads. He then stomped on the cameras and the tape recorder.
The twins knew they were in deep shit if they were caught with the dolls, so they snuck out of the bathroom and laid them on Elcaire's things. She took no notice of them and looked through her binoculars to see Tamaki's expression of disbelief as Kyouya killed the newspaper club. Honey was on top of Mori's shoulders and had a bird's eye view of the entire room. He caught sight of the dolls and he leaped off of Takashi's shoulders and said out loud "Eclaire's the one who's been making Kyochan and Haruchan say those dirty things!"
All eyes were on Eclaire as she denied the allegations. "I most certainly did not!" she said as she was blushing hard.
"You stole those dolls from Nekozawa-senpai!" the twins pointed at her to lift the blame off them and onto her. "She also stole our CD players to play that vulgar music in the presence of these lovely ladies!"
Eclaire couldn't take anymore of the lies, so she ran out of the room crying. When she returned home, she enrolled in Lobelia High School and met her future life partner, Benibara. They are expecting their first child in February via artificial insemination. The Host Club hid the bodies of the Newspaper Club in the morgue in one of the Ootori Family's hospitals, and were never suspected of anything having to do with the deaths. Kyouya forcefully made Nekozawa-senpai cast a spell on the entire school that erased their memories. Tamaki and Haruhi had begun dating the day after the incident happened, and the twins kept the dirty secret to themselves, but Mori and Honey had seen them take the dolls into the bathroom, but they did not want to say anything.
"Eclaire kept making rude remarks about our dresses when she thought we were out of earshot." Said Mori.
"Well, I didn't like what she was wearing either. Then again, if I were to look like a frigid bitch for the rest of my life, I wouldn't look so constipated." Said Honey as he took a bite of his cake.