The random mood came by me again (and really, random is good!) and so, partially for that and partially due to the support of Requiem for Absolution and Smash-the-Elder a new chapter is added. Unfortunately I had no musical number (read song parody) ready so I'm hoping random poetry (read limerick) is sufficient.
Scene 2 Tanker inside
[As Snake enters the tanker a narrator begins talking]
N:
So Snake snuck into the tanker,
Had to break this guard's neck like a wanker.
He could've slid by
If he remembered to dry
His feet like private first ranker.
[Snake looks up from dragging the body of the guard he just killed and frowns at the voice]
N:
Now dragging his corpse isn't fun,
But it's something you know must be done
The dead guards in here
Can't just disappear
Like they did in MGS1
Snake (muttering under his breath): Damn rhyming narrator. I'll drag him in a closet…
N:
It's not wise to wish your bard harm
When you've only got a side arm
With the sound of my voice
I bring in the boys
To sound a general alarm!
[At this a guard comes around the corner and spots Snake]
Guard: ! (Shoots a burst at him with an AR-90 most of which misses)
Snake: Damn it! (Shoots him in the face with the M9. The guard drops.) Alright you vindictive bastard, you made your point!
N:
So glad that we can atone
But the guard already picked up the phone
So when they check him in threes
They'll see floating zee's
You better move to the next loading zone
And now I will take one more verse
For your trouble I will reimburse
Then I'm out of the screen
Till the end of the scene
Which for you might be more of a curse
When you see a guard up ahead
Point your gun at the back of his head
Then bear down on his face
Till he's shaking in place
And his dog tags will be yours instead.
Snake: What? (hearing no response he moves carefully forward)
[Deck E- Crew Lounge]
[Snake sneaks forward. At the bottom of the stairs he sees a guard sitting down and listening to music]
Snake (whispering): Amateurs!
[He sneaks forward and is about to break the guard's neck when he remembers the narrator's words. Instead he just points his gun at the back of his head.]
Snake: Freeze!
[Immediately the guard springs up with his hands up]
Guard: Don't shoot!
[Snake moves around him and points the gun at his chest]
Snake: Wow you got up pretty fast. How'd you do that?
Guard: Practice.
Snake: Seriously though. I wasn't expecting that. (lowers his gun slightly). You totally could've turned the tables on me.
Guard (shrugs): Not really allowed to do that right off the bat. Union contract.
Snake: You guys have a union?
Guard: Of course. The Faceless Guard Collective. We're a branch off from the Expendable Goon Union.
Snake: Expendable Goon? You guys call yourselves goons?
Guard: Yeah. Goon is the politically correct term. We were henchmen before but then the female assassins from Half-Life started making a big deal about equal opportunity…and well… you try arguing with them. It's all tight latex and silenced pistols with them. And they expect us not to stare. If you ask me…
Snake: Uhh yeah... Listen I got shit to do. So fork over your dog tags.
Guard: See now that's just rude. You hold me at gunpoint when I was just trying to take a nap. Then you ask me about the very cornerstone of gainful employment as a terrorist stand-in. Then you just cut me off to rob me?
Snake: Shut up and give me the tags already.
Guard: This is a fundamental example of what's wrong with the world. This may not the most glamorous job but it is employment nonetheless. Here I am a working man being accosted …
Snake: Shut up!
Guard: ..by a vicious bandanna wearing mulletman simply because he is the stronger. Do you really think the geopolitical climate you're trying to maintain would approve of this blatant abuse of power? I mean you can't expect to just run around robbing people at gunpoint just because your cone of vision's bigger!
Snake: I said shut up! (punches him in the face).
Guard: Ah now we see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help I'm being repressed!
[Snake punch-punch-kicks him and he drops]
Snake: Damn political goon!
[A second guard hears the noise and comes to investigate. Snake hides under a table and when the guard bends down to check the knocked out guard Snake sticks him up as well]
Snake: Freeze!
Guard 2: No!
Snake: Give me your tags! And if you so much as start saying "geopolitical climate" I swear I'll snap your neck!
Guard 2: Hey they don't pay me enough to say big words. Here! (gives him his tags). And sorry about Dennis. He really gets into these political talks.
Snake: Dennis?
Guard 2: Yeah he insists we call him Dennis. It's a bit stupid when you think about it. I mean we can't even tell each other apart half the time. I ended up calling my brother Dennis one time and man did he…ugh!
[Snake shoots him with the tranquilizer.]
Snake: What's with these guys? (goes off in search of the bridge)
N:
So Snake buggered off to the bridge
Grabbed a box from the big walk-in fridge
Robbed more guards of their tags
And found porno mags
And that's why this part we abridge
So be sure to join us next time
We'll cut back on our foolish rhyme
See gunfights in the rain
Thermal goggles we'll gain
Once the soaking wet mast we have climbed!
I hadn't intended the first guard to turn into the political peasant from Monty Python. But he did it anyway. So let's just call it a shout-out and leave it at that.