Ryan groggily opened his eyes, he didn't hurt, there was no pain, but he wasn't where he was supposed to be. He wasn't in the alley anymore, he wasn't in a hospital, he wasn't at home with the Cohen's, he was driving his new car. Confused Ryan looked around himself, Marissa was next to him, smiling into his eyes as she happily chatted away about her trip. About how what she really needed right now was to get away from Newport, spend some time with her Dad, it would be a great experience before she thought about college. She couldn't wait.

Ryan tried to speak, to warn her about what was going to happen, he desperately tried to move his hands, trying to pull the vehicle over to the side of the road. His eyes widened as he looked in the rear view vision mirror, he saw Volchok's car speeding towards them, he knew what was going to happen but he couldn't do anything. He screamed as loud as he could but nothing came out, pain ripped through his arms as he tried as hard as he could to move them, but there was no response. Before he knew it Volchok's car was on them, slamming into the side of his car. He could hear Marissa screaming, he could hear Volchok's girlfriend screaming, he could even hear himself screaming and yet he could do nothing. As the seconds ticked by and the moment came closer Ryan began to weep, it was bad enough the first time, but to have her sitting next to him, to see her die again...

As the car rolled down the hill Ryan felt no pain, he didn't move, he just stared as she was thrown around the car, as her head was rammed into the dash, the seats, the windows. As the once perfect, beautiful face was transformed, as she was dying Ryan was focused on her, willing her to live, to stay.

He pulled her from the car, he lifted her in his arms, he walked from the car down the road. With each step he felt her drifting further and further away from him, he could see her mind shutting down, her body giving up and there was still nothing that Ryan could do...

As he lay her down on the road and she breathed her last breaths, Ryan looked into her eyes and whispered, "You're the love of my life Marissa, never forgot". As her hands went limp and her eyes closed Ryan's mind screamed, he wanted to hurt Volchok, he wanted to KILL Volchok, but still Ryan could do nothing...

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Ryan awoke with a start and sat bolt upright in his bed, he was wet with sweat and his body screamed with pain. He could hear a soothing voice, telling him it was okay, that he needed to lie down. As he responded and his eyes began to close he could see a bob of brown hair, brown eyes, a concerned face and then he was asleep again.

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When Ryan opened his eyes again he has been teleported to another place, to another time. He was back in Sandy's car, almost three years younger, he had seen this scene before, he knew what was happening. He was going home, back to his house in Chino. He turned around and looked out the back of the car and there she was. Marissa stood watching him as the car moved down the court, the sun was setting behind her and she stood staring at the boy she'd only met one day previous, curious as to why he was returning back to Chino. Everything seemed as it had more then 3 years ago, but then something different happened. Marissa's lips began to move and he could hear her words, even through the car's rear windscreen and more than a 100 meters each letter that escaped her mouth was as clear as day. "Ryan.. This is my final goodbye.. I love you... I will always love you...", and then he and Sandy were round the corner and he couldn't see her anymore. They were driving away from Newport, they were going back to Chino.

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Ryan felt a hand on his face, he felt the back of a hand running down the side of his cheek, the small hand ran over bruises and cuts but Ryan didn't care, it was soothing, warm and calming. In his mind Ryan saw Marissa, it had all been a bad dream, she had never died, she was here with him right now. He could be happy again...

When Ryan opened his eyes the hand retreated with a start and the blurred figure moved back sharply from his bedside. He slurred out to the figure, "Mariss... Marissa... is that... is that you...?". And then two more figures came into the room and ran over to his bedside, he saw blonde and brown hair, a man and a women. As his eyes began to focus and the haze began to clear he could see Sandy and Kirsten's faces. They were both beaming down at him, relief etched into their features. "I'm sorry.. so so sorry..", Ryan said weakly to them. Kirsten reached down and wrapped her arms around Ryan's upper body and hugged him as tighly as she could without hurting him, at the same time Sandy put his hand onto Ryan's shoulders and looked into his eyes, "It's okay Ryan, we understand, just don't ever do it again", calmly said to Ryan.

As time passed the strength slowly returned to Ryan, he was able to sit up in his bed now and as soon as he did he was able to look around the rest of the room. On the other side of the room, sitting in a chair and gaping at him with frightened eyes was Summer. "Summer's been with you almost every second since she got here, she flew straight from Brown when she heard the news, she even refused to go home and get changed", Kirsten said to Ryan.

"I just wanted to make sure that you were okay, " Summer said softly from the other side of the room.

Ryan's eyes met Summer's as he thought back to the hand that had been touching his face, it hadn't been Marissa, it had been... And then Summer's eyes darted around the room and their gaze was broken, Ryan turned back to Kirsten and Sandy, "Where's Seth?" he asked them.

"When you... left... well Seth got very bored and very lonely." Sandy explained.

"What about the comic book store, his entourage?"

"Well Ryan," Kirsten began. "There's a big difference between people who follow you around because they think you're the coolest comic book geek ever and spending quality time with your brother."

"He's gone to Portland, I haven't been able to get in contact with him yet," Sandy said. "He's gone to see Luke if you can believe it, Luke asked him to come over and visit after he got the um.. the news."

"So he hasn't heard yet? You know.. about the accident?"

"We left him a message on his phone.. but that was almost two days ago and he hasn't returned my call. I haven't been able to get in contact with Luke's Dad either. I'm not quite sure what's going on right now."

"But don't you worry about that right now Ryan," Kirsten said to him quietly. "How are you feeling?"

"My arms are a little sore, but I've been worse. When I can leave?"

"Not so quick Ryan. You're a long way from leaving, first we need to prove to the staff here that this sort of thing will never happen again to stop them from sending you to some form of rehab. And then the police want to ask you some questions about the cuts and bruises all your face and arms and how you got them."

Ryan's eyes turned away from Sandy and Kirsten and he lay back down, he was embarrassed, he was ashamed. He wasn't ready to deal with all this shit right now.

"I think.. if you don't mind me saying.. That we should leave this for a little later, he's only just woken up and he probably needs some time to think, to be alone," Summer said from across the room.

"You know Summer," Sandy replied. "I don't think that's such a terrible idea. This way we all get time to go home and recharge and come back refreshed tomorrow morning, ready to face the doctors and perhaps the police."

"In the morning then, we'll let the nurses know that you've woken and they'll probably be in and busying themselves about you shortly," Kirsten said as she stood up form the side of Ryan's bed. She hugged him one more time before they turned for the door and made to walk out. As Sandy held the door open Kirsten turned around and spoke to Ryan, "We love you Ryan. You know that".

"I know Kirsten."

With what seemed like renewed energy Sandy and Kirsten walked out of the room. Summer followed close behind and gave Ryan an awkward wave before she too left the room.

Alone again Ryan began to wonder what exactly he was going to say, not only to the hospital staff but to the police. The cuts and bruises were from Ryan's new hobby, cage fighting at the bar where he was currently staying. He wasn't going to say this though, he wasn't going to give up the people who worked there, he would say that he was drunk and got in a fight, it got a little out of hand and now here is. As for the Heroin, well he didn't know the name and couldn't even remember the face of the guy who he bought it off. He had deliberately said "More than enough, you understand?", the man had replied with a nod and the money was exchanged. Of course Ryan would never mention this.. He would say that he was looking for an exit from the pain, something to fight the depression that was attacking him from every angle, that he didn't mean to overdose, that he didn't mean to kill himself. Even if it wasn't true...

Ryan's thoughts were invaded when the door to his room opened once more. He didn't bother turning over to see who it was, he just assumed it was one of the nurses coming to check up on him. Inject him with more drugs and change his bandages.

"So you think you can just go and kill yourself huh. You think that everyone else isn't feeling as crap as you are.", a voice called over Ryan's shoulder. As Ryan moved his body around he looked up into Summer's tear stained face, looking down at him she began to yell "YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST GO AND GET YOURSELF KILLED. WHAT ABOUT US RYAN, WHAT ABOUT ME AND SETH, DONT YOU EVEN FUCKING CARE ABOUT US, YOU THINK WE'RE NOT HURTING, THAT WE DON'T NEED YOU TOO". Summer began to cry even harder now, tears flowing from her eyes, staining the clothes she was wearing and accumulating on the hospital floor. Ryan could do nothing but stop and stare at her, he couldn't even speak. All this time he had only been thinking of himself, about how he had felt, he had totally forgotten about Marissa's best friend and how she might feel... he had been so selfish...

Summer collapsed into a chair at the back of the room and continued to sob into her hands, "It's been so hard for me Ryan. And now to be here with you, seeing you give up. I can't take it Ryan, it's just too much, I need you to be okay Ryan", she cried into her fists.

As Summer buried her face in her hands and wept Ryan reached down for the cords leading into his arms and pulled out the needles attached to them, he shuffled to the side of the bed and lifted his legs over its cover. Planting his feet on the group he pushed himself up from the bed and began to stand, he instantly felt dizzy and his head felt light. He swayed in the air as he began to fall... But then he was taking a step, he was moving forward, forward towards the crouching figure infront of him. He needed to get to Summer, to tell her that everything would be okay, that he was sorry and he did care about her and he would help her take the pain away...

But then Ryan was falling, his legs were collapsing beneath him and his body was travelling towards the floor. She was too far away, he wouldn't be able to make it...

When Ryan hit the floor Summer instantly jumped from her seat and ran the few steps towards him and crouched down. "Ryan. Ryan are you okay? What were you doing?" Summer called down to him.

"I.. I was coming to tell you that everything was going to be okay.. I was coming to tell you that I do care.. and mostly I was coming to tell you that I understand.. We're both stuck with this terrible pain, with this terrible lose.. I know Summer, I know how you feel and yet still I totally ignored it.. I'm sorry Summer... I'm hear for you now..", he whispered back. Ryan was tired, very tired, each word that escaped from his lips drained the energy from him. He knew that he couldn't stand back up, he couldn't even move...

Summer reached around to Ryan's back and hugged him "Thank you Ryan Atwood", she said into his shoulder as he hugged him tightly. As Ryan's eyes began to close Summer reached up behind him and hit the button to call the Nurse.

"You're the only one who could possibly understand how I feel Ryan", she said as she ran her fingers through his hair. "The only one".