*****
Night had fallen on the island, but there was no peace for Lucilla, even if it was not because of the storm raging outside. On the contrary, the flash of the lightning and the booming thunders and crashing waves were soothing her nerves, because they kept the Praetorians away, and Lucilla did not want to fall asleep, for fear that the weather would improve if she stopped praying for it to remain as bad as it was.
Finally, it was just before midnight, fatigue and worries won over her and she fell in an agitated sleep inhabited by nightmares. She dreamed her own death and she even saw herself walk in the Elysian Fields. Two figures came to greet her there: one was her father, the other a small baby girl with black hair and big blue-green eyes, her little Annia. She was smiling and wanted to play with her... Lucilla reached out her arms to take the child, but then she heard a voice- a familiar, beloved voice.
Maximus' voice.
He was calling for her, telling her to wake up. Lucilla did not want to wake up, for she felt safe in Elysium and she did not want to leave, but Maximus' voice was insistent, urgent, keeping on repeating they had little time, and in the end she obeyed it, opening her eyes.
*****
It was dark in the room, but Lucilla immediately sensed there was someone near her. A bolt of lightning crashed near the window and the sudden light revealed a hooded figure hovering over her. She opened her mouth to scream, but a broad, calloused hand blocked her, while the stranger bent over her and whispered, "Don't be afraid, Lucilla. It's me, Maximus."
Lucilla could not believe what she was hearing. It was only the deception of a distressed mind. It had to be-Maximus was dead. But the hand covering her mouth was so real and warm. Then the man spoke again, in his low, rumbling voice. "Lucilla, I am going to remove my hand: please, don't scream, but light the lamp." She nodded with her head to make clear she had understood and the hand moved away.
Trembling, she sat up on her mattress and
lightened her bedside table lamp and with the added light, all her doubts about
dreaming disappeared; Maximus was really in the room with her, covered from
head to foot with a dark military sagum
and with his face smeared with black ashes. He was the most beautiful thing she
had ever seen- but how was it possible?
She had left him dead in the Colosseum's holding cells, before being dragged
away by Praetorians concerned for her safety...
"How?" The word formed on her lips without any conscious thought, but he shook his head. "It is a long story and we have no time for it now. We must leave the island before dawn."
Lucilla's heart jumped in her chest in gratitude; once again he had come to help her. She felt tears of relief pricking at her eyes, but she resolutely pushed them back, it was not the moment to be an emotional woman. "What you want me to do?"
"Write a message that says you decided to kill yourself and Lucius because you don't want to leave to Julianus the satisfaction of having you executed in public."
"You know about it?" she asked, although she was not really surprised, as she rose and walked to her desk.
"Yes, I know about it. That's why it is so important we leave as soon as possible. I don't know how much lead we have on the Praetorians." Maximus explained, as he opened the door of her chamber to make sure the hallway was free. She did not reply, but quickly completed her note. Maximus returned to her, read the writing and then walked near the bed to put it on the nightstand. "Now, let's go," he said, lighting a portable lamp he had obviously carried with him, "Valerius should have already prepared Lucius."
'Valerius?' She wondered, reaching for her cape, which was on the back of a chair.
"No," Maximus blocked her hand. "You cannot take any other dress other than the one you are wearing now. We need to make them believe you rose in the middle of the night to throw yourself into the sea. Here, this should keep you warm enough for a while." Maximus took off his sagum and wrapped it around her shoulders. It still retained his body heat and she could not help but sniff the fabric, happy to smell Maximus' clean and manly scent. When he was satisfied she was warm, he took her night robe and slippers in one hand, the lamp in the other and moved to the door.
Once in the corridor, they quickly reached Lucius' room, which was close to his mother's, and entered. The boy was sitting on the bed, a sagum wrapped around his back, in the company of two other men dressed in black like Maximus. Lucius seemed afraid, but his face lit up when he saw his mother and then his eyes almost popped out of his head as he recognized her companion. His mouth opened to speak but Lucilla was quicker. "Be quiet, we will talk later. Now remain silent and do everything Maximus says without discussion. Do you understand?"
The boy nodded hurriedly, surprised by his mother's stern tone; it was the first time she had spoken to him that way.
In the meantime, Maximus had finished exchanging a few words with his men. "We are ready to go."
Lucilla nodded and reached out a hand to beckon Lucius near her.
Silently they left the room, and walked along the hallways till they found the servants' entrance. They had almost exited when a voice called, "My lady, where are you going?"
It was Delia; she was standing on the threshold of the kitchen, a robe on her shoulders. One of Maximus' men made a move towards her, but Lucilla stopped him with an imperious gesture. "Give us a moment." She walked to her friend and whispered, "Delia, these men have come to free Lucius and me. We are going to fake our suicide...I left a letter in my bedroom and I need you to tell the Praetorians how distressed I was yesterday, to make them believe I really killed myself and my son jumping into the sea."
The maid nodded hesitantly, "Are you really sure, Lucilla?" Then she looked behind her mistress' back, her eyes widening as she recognized Maximus, "Yes, I can see you are." A smile, then, "It seems the gods listened to my prayers, after all."
"Yes they did. I am sorry I cannot take you with me, but it is not possible."
"I know."
"But here, take this," Lucilla removed her empress ring from her finger, "Go to Rome when they free you - I don't doubt they will do so - and visit Senator Gracchus. Give the ring to him, he will provide for you."
"Lucilla, we must go." Maximus' voice was an urgent whisper.
"Just a minute." The two women exchanged a last embrace, then Delia said, "Go now, and may the gods always smile on you and Lucius." And speaking so, she resolutely turned around and walked away. Lucilla watched till she disappeared, then rushed to join Maximus and the others.
Once outside, Maximus did a quick detour to the terrace overlooking the sea and leaning against the balustrade threw Lucilla and Lucius' robes and slippers into the stormy waters, and dirtied the marble protection, as if someone had stepped over it with muddy feet. Satisfied with his work, he returned to the rest of the group, "This should be enough; with the sea in these conditions, there would be no chance to find a body."
Lucilla nodded and soon the party was walking again, leaving the villa garden to reach the beach. The woman and child were barefoot, but neither of them seemed to notice the hardness of the terrain. A boat was waiting for them on the shore, ready to depart, surrounded by eight men who lost no time pushing the little vessel into the water and sitting at its oars. Lucilla looked at the high, angry waves and then at the boat, which seemed too small to affront them.
"I know it is frightening, but is the only way." Maximus whispered in her ear, smiling at her reassuringly, and she drew strength from his eyes. She smiled back at him, before decisively stepping onto the boat, sitting on its central seat, with Lucius in her arms.
"Everything will be fine," she soothed him, feeling his small body tremble.
As soon as everyone was on board, the men at the oars began to row and the boat left the relative safety of the shore for the open sea.
*****
The journey was hard and difficult, with the wind and the waves stretching the oarsmen's endurance, while the still falling rain made vision difficult. More than once the boat threatened to overturn, but luckily it did not happen and after what seemed an eternity, the small vessel landed on a secluded beach near Neapolis port.
The group lost no time abandoning the boat to board the wagon or mount the horses waiting for them, under the surveillance of two more of Maximus' men, and soon they were off on the Via Domitia road, heading north, intent to put as much distance as possible between them and Caprae before the sunrise and the discovery of the "suicide".
TOMORROW
"Umm...This is really good!"
Lucius' enthusiastic comment, referred to a simple piece of roasted pig, caused a round of laughter among the party sitting around the fire. The boy raised his head from his plate, a confused expression on his face, as if he was wondering what the grown-ups had to laugh about. "Well, it is true!" he exclaimed.
"Freedom makes everything taste better," Maximus commented softly, almost to himself, but Lucilla heard him nevertheless and she turned to look at him, once more marvelling he was really sitting near her, alive and more handsome than ever, even if his face and body still bore the marks of his suffering. He was thin and pale and there were shadows under his eyes, making Lucilla wonder about what happened to him during the past six months. That question had tormented her in the last two-and-a-half days, but until that moment there had not been time to really talk, pressed as they were to move as fast as possible, travelling always during the night, with just few pauses to let the horses rest and eat. That was actually the first evening they had set a real camp and Lucilla thought it was time to get some answers, since she could not longer contain her curiosity. She knew by now the men that had helped her were members of the Felix Legion, and she wanted to know what role they had played in Maximus' disappearance from Rome and in his recovery. Thus she waited till everyone had finished their dinner, then asked Maximus, "So, don't you think it is time to tell us what happened to you?"
Silence fell on the camp, as all the heads turned to look at their leader.
Maximus was lost in thought for several seconds, then he nodded. "You are right, it is time you get some answers. But I think it is better if Valerius tells you the first part of the story, because I have not many memories about it." He smiled weakly and patted the back of the burly man at his side.
"As you command, General." Valerius turned to look at Lucilla and Lucius, beginning to speak at once. "Augusta, we…"
"Stop, Valerius." Lucilla raised her arm. "There is no Augusta here. She is dead, lying at the bottom of the sea. Here there is only Lucilla, daughter of Marcus. Please don't ever call me that again."
Valerius bowed his head, "As you wish, domina."
"Thank you. Now, please, go on with your story."
"It was the day of the duel between the General and Caesar. We - myself, Tullius and Glaucus," and he pointed at two other men sitting around the fire, who gestured with their heads, "were in Rome because we had heard wondrous rumours claiming the General was alive and a gladiator. We wanted to check if they were really true, before they spread too much among the troops. Cicero, the General's servant had gone to Rome a few days before for the same reason, but he never returned and we became restless. So we went to the Urbe and reached the Colosseum. We did not want to attend the games, but just throw a look around, but the guards at the gates kept on telling something special was going to happen and so we went inside." Valerius stopped, sipped some wine and resumed his story. "You know what happened, domina. The General won the match, but he collapsed into the sand and was taken away. We thought he was dead." The soldier's voice trembled and Lucilla was touched by such manifestation of affection by that hardened man for his commander. Maximus too was impressed, because he squeezed the centurion's arm in support. Valerius took a deep breath and went on, "We exited the arena with the rest of the crowd, but remained near it even after the guards had locked the gates. We did not want to return to Ostia to tell the men what had happened…not yet. Then, I don't remember who among us proposed it, we decided to sneak inside the building to find the General's body and pay him our homage."
"You wanted to say good-bye to him privately." She surmised.
"Exactly. Imagine our surprise when we finally found the body and discovered the General was alive, even if barely so. He was unconscious and fevered, but alive. We immediately noticed he had been wounded to his back and that the wound…"
Lucilla interrupted him by turning to Maximus and ask in a murmur, "Who?"
"Commodus," he replied equally low, "He stabbed me with a stiletto blade minutes before the combat. He wanted to be sure he won." Maximus smiled bitterly and Lucilla grew pale. She had always suspected something like that had happened, but it was nevertheless terrible to hear it from Maximus' very voice. She briefly thought about how close she had been to losing him for good and she thanked once again the gods he was alive.
Silence fell for a few seconds, then Valerius spoke again, "After some frantic consultations, we decided to take the General to a surgeon but - I hope you will forgive us, domina - we did not trust the Senate or the imperial family, not after what had happened. So we hired a wagon and took the General to Ostia, after Tullius, who has a bit of medical training, stabilized his wound."
"You took him to the army camp?"
"No, because it is difficult to keep a secret there, and we wanted the General's presence to remain unknown, at least as long as he was so sick. We took him to the house of a just retired centurion of the Felix Legion, whose wife is a German healer. She saved the General's life, but he was on the verge of dying many times in the next few weeks, because of various infections."
"Oh," Lucilla was appalled.
"But our General is strong and he survived."
"Yes, think about the irony of it," commented Maximus dryly, "to be saved by a German woman after battling Germans for years!"
There was a round of laughter, before Valerius concluded his part of the story. "When the General felt better, we took him on the Alban Hills to continue his recovery in peace and it was just after we arrived there that we heard about Pertinax seizing the Purple with the Praetorians' help, and sending you into exile. For a long time we said nothing to the General, because he was still too weak, but he noticed our tension. As you perhaps know, the Felix Legion had been ordered to put down any possible revolt against Pertinax in Italia and we were worried for our comrades still in the army. Anyway, the General noticed something was wrong and began to ask questions and after he threatened us to leave for Rome alone, we decided we could not keep silent any more and told him the truth."
Lucilla looked at Maximus, wanting to read in his eyes what he thought when he discovered about her fate, and the former gladiator understood it was time he continued the story. And he did so, but hid his emotions so well Lucilla was not able to read him, and that confused her, because she did not know what to think about his behaviour.
"Valerius and I returned to Rome, where we inquired about Senator Gracchus, discovering he was still alive, even if almost powerless. We went to visit him and he told us in detail what happened to you and Lucius. He also confided to us he feared for your lives and wondered about the chance to sneak you away from Caprae. I told him we would do it. We spent days studying the maps of the island and organizing our party. Many of the legionaries here," Maximus gestured with his hand, "used their leave to help Valerius and me, while others hurried their retirement to be with us."
Lucilla turned to look at the men and bowed her head to them. "Thank you for everything. I have no words to tell you what this means to me." Some of the soldiers bowed to her in return, others waved her words away with their hands, perhaps because they thought no thanks was necessary, perhaps because they had not risked their lives for her, but for their General.
"Anyway," the Spaniard continued, "we were ready when Julianus took the power and gave the order to eliminate you. So we went to Southern Italia and did what we had to do." He concluded, as if he had done the most simple and common thing in the world. "And since we are in theme, here there is something Gracchus gave me for you. It is the act of property of an estate near Eburacum*, in Britannia." He reached inside the pouch tied to his belt and pulled out a folded piece of papyrus. "He said you had instructed him to buy a property in some far away province and that's where I plan to take you."
Lucilla took the document and studied it in the firelight, with Lucius craning his neck from behind her shoulder to read with her.
"Are we really going to Britannia, mother?" asked the boy, fascinated by the prospect of a great adventure.
"Yes, we are really going there."
"And what it will be like? What we will do there? Will we see the men with the painted faces described by Julius Caesar? And do you think I will be able to have my own pony, to tour our estate?" The boy was full of excitement and Lucilla smiled. "We shall see when we are there, Lucius. For the moment, it is time to go to bed; if you are lucky, you might even dream about ponies and blue-painted men!"
"I think it is time we all go to bed," said Maximus, rising to his feet, soon imitated by all the other men. The group disbanded quickly; some soldiers went to their tents, while others prepared for a night of guard. Maximus instead went to check the horses and Lucilla watched him walk away with worried eyes.
"Don't let his cold attitude fool you, domina," Valerius whispered into her ear and she almost jumped because she had not heard him approach. "He was out of his mind with worry when he knew about the danger you were in. I never saw him so frantic. I even heard him mutter more than once he 'would not let it happen again'."
"What?"
"I believe he meant he would not lose again someone he cared for as he had lost his family." The centurion sighed, before pressing on, "Perhaps I am overstepping my limits by telling you so, but the General cried out your name while he was delirious, along with those of his wife and child. He cares a lot for you...he is just afraid to let himself acknowledge the fact."
"Probably because he has suffered so much and he is still in shock."
"Probably. My lady Lucilla, I hope you don't think I enjoy meddling in others' private affairs. I spoke with you because I care for my General and I want to see him happy. He has suffered enough and he deserves peace and happiness." He stared seriously into her eyes.
"I know Valerius, I know." Lucilla squeezed the big man's hand. "Thank you for telling me so and thank you for saving his life. I promise you I will do my best to make sure he won't be hurt again."
"That's what I hoped to hear, domina." Valerius smiled and after a last bow, he bid her good night and walked away, while Lucilla remained outside, staring at the star filled sky lost in her thoughts.
* York.
*****
During the next few days the little caravan kept a very fast pace, travelling along small roads instead of using the larger, but more crowded viae consulorum. Near Ostia, the group lost some of its members, as eight soldiers left to return to the Felix Legion camp, since their leave had expired, with the promise to never reveal to anybody that Maximus, Lucilla and Lucius were still alive. The rest of the party continued north, crossing the entire Central and Northern Italia. Passing the Alps in full winter was no small feat, but they managed to do it without much trouble, also helped by the good weather and lack of snow. Once in Noricum, they returned to the larger roads, because the risks of being caught by the Praetorians were less, and it was better not to wander too far in the forests infested by thieves.
As the distance between them and Rome increased, Maximus relaxed and talked more often, much more like the man Lucilla had met and fallen in love with years before. Of course, he was still sad and occasionally a victim of a seizure of melancholy, during which he strayed away to be alone, but in general it seemed like a big weight had been taken off his shoulders. He began to spend a lot of time talking with Lucius, showing him patiently on a map the roads they were going to take and explaining why they were going to take them, and one day he caused the boy's ecstatic reaction when he proposed to him a ride on his stallion, the almost legendary Scarto - returned to him by Valerius and the other soldiers - while he, Maximus, rested for a bit on the wagon.
Of course, the former general needed no rest, he was only indulging the child, but it made Lucius feel important to be trusted with his hero's precious horse.
Lucilla was happy to see the affection building slowly between her son and Maximus, but sometimes she felt a bit jealous of Lucius, for all the attention he got from the Spaniard, who was indeed always gentle and polite with her, but also distant. It was like he did not totally trust her...or perhaps himself, as Valerius had suggested.
She couldn't really blame him, but she was desperate to know how he felt about her; if he still cared for her as a woman or if her betrayal had killed that little flame of affection he had shown her in the Ludus Magnus, and he was now escorting her because he thought it was part of his duty to her father. She wanted to know if she could still hope they might have a future together, or if she had to forget it, as much as it pained her to even think of it. She loved him, she still dreamed about sharing her life with him, and she prayed fervently one day her dream might become reality.
Raetia, 182AD, late winter.
Maximus breathed in the clear, pine-scented air and smiled. It was only mid-March, but everywhere he looked he saw signs of Nature's imminent awakening after a moderate winter and the tender grass trying to emerge from beneath the snow coat filled him with wonder. How he had missed the peace of mind to take the time to stop and look at simple things like that!
The little group, consisting of Maximus, Lucilla, Lucius, and five former centurions of the Felix Legion, was now proceeding along the province of Raetia. About fifteen days separated them from the harbour of Gesoriacum and the crossing of the Oceanus Britannicus, to reach the most northern province of the empire. Maximus had been there once, years before, because, as commander of the Army of the North, he had been in control of the legions stationed in Britannia too and thus he had gone there for an inspection. He had liked what he had seen in Londinium and other cities and he thought the great island could be a good place to start a new life; the landscape was different enough not to evoke memories of Trujillo and Hispania, but not too different and hostile like Africa. Senator Gracchus - may the gods bless him - had given the Spaniard enough money to buy a house and some land anywhere he wished. In the beginning Maximus had not wanted to accept the coins, but the old politician had been most insistent, claiming they were only a poor compensation of what he had lost, and that it was a pleasure for him to be able to help the former general in some way. The Senator was childless and preferred to leave his money to someone he considered a friend rather than to see it ending up in Julianus' greedy pockets. Maximus had smiled at Gracchus' words and accepted the two bags full of aurei with gratitude, knowing they had been given out of friendship and not charity.
A hearty laugh snapped him out of his reverie and he turned his head to see Valerius and Glaucus pat each other's backs as their horses walked side by side. Maximus wondered briefly about the cause of their hilarity, but decided not to inquire about it, enjoying in silence his friends' happiness. He had always known his men were loyal to him, they had demonstrated it many times on the battlefield, but still he had been amazed by how they had saved him, rescuing him from the Colosseum. He had been touched by the gentleness with which they had cared for him, nursing him through his long illness, by the fierceness with which they had protected him when he was recovering, and by their unselfishness when they had helped him to free Lucilla and Lucius. They now deserved a peaceful life, and he hoped they would be able to have it. Three of them were going to stop in Germania, where the empire had awarded them some land as a reward after twenty-five years of service, and where their families awaited them, while Valerius and Glaucus planned to escort him, Lucilla and Lucius till Eburacum, and then decide what to do. They did not have any ties, the army having been their only family.
Family...Maximus' musing moved to his wife and son. He had dreamed about them many times during his fever, initially wishing to die and join them, but then gradually accepting it was not yet time to do so, because the new life his men - by saving him - had given to him was a precious gift and worth being lived. Unbidden, his gaze stopped on Lucilla; he had dreamt about her too, seeing her dying in her brother's cruel hands and the images had terrified him, remaining impressed into his mind even after he woke up. Then he had learned about her fate and that had made him frantic with worry. But why? Was it simple duty what he felt in her regards? Because she was the daughter of the man he had loved as a father, while her child was only an innocent that didn't deserve to pay for others' mistakes? Or did he care for them in another way? He remembered the kiss they had shared in the Ludus Magnus and his pulse quickened. No, it was not only duty or compassion, he was sure of it...but was he ready for something more?
Maximus looked at the wagon, where Lucilla was travelling sitting near Tullius, while Lucius was riding on the front with Cassius, and stared at her.
She was beautiful, even more so now that there were no elaborated dresses or hairstyles or jewellery to distract the eyes. Her slightly curly hair shone like warm honey under the winter sun, her cheeks were pink and... Maximus interrupted his line of thought and frowned; the woman's cheeks were very flushed at that moment and she kept on touching her brow with a hand. The Spaniard spurred his horse and trotted near the wagon, falling in step with it until he was side by side with Lucilla. She greeted him with a smile.
"Are you feeling all right?" he asked, noticing the skin on her cheekbones was drawn and her eyes too bright.
"Yes, just a headache and some sneezes...I must have caught some cold last night."
Maximus was not convinced. He reached out his arm and touched her brow with his open hand, before retracting it and biting his lower lip. "You are burning, Lucilla." he said, his voice tense. "Go inside the wagon and lay in bed. We will stop as soon as we find a suitable place to raise the camp."
Lucilla nodded and did as bidden, slipping inside the wagon without discussion, and thus increasing Maximus' concern even more. For how long had she not been feeling well? He cursed under his breath; they were crossing an almost deserted area, the last village they had seen was at least twenty miles behind them and the chance to find a doctor very slim. He could only pray to the gods it was nothing serious.
*****
During the night Lucilla's health worsened, a bad cough adding to the high fever. Maximus was very worried, but he tried hard not to show it in front of Lucius, not wanting to scare the boy. However it was not possible to deny the seriousness of Lucilla's condition when the following morning the party did not resume its journey and Tullius was sent back to the last village they had passed along the way, to try to fetch a doctor or at least some healing herbs. Lucius reacted badly to the news and ran away into the forest surrounding their camp.
Maximus found him sometime later, hidden behind a tree, his arms hugging his knees, his face streaked with tears. The Spaniard knelt down near him and caressed his hair, "What is it, Lucius?"
"I am afraid my mama will die and leave me alone." The boy sniffled.
"Your mother won't die; she is strong and she will soon feel better. She has a great strength of will and many things to want to live for: you, your new house in Britannia, and the new life there…"
"And you." Lucius had stopped crying to look at him in earnest.
"Me?" asked Maximus.
"Yes, Mother likes you a lot. She was so sad when we believed you dead, and now she is so happy. I see the way she smiles when she looks at you when you are not noticing her."
Maximus smiled at the boy's innocent comments. "I too like her a lot. As I like you." He ruffled Lucius' hair.
"And are you going to remain with us when we are in Britannia?"
"Would you like that?"
"Yes, I would like it very much."
"Well, Lucius, I still don't know what I am going to do, but I can promise I will stay with you as long as you and your mother will need me."
The boy considered his words and nodded. "Thank you." He suddenly embraced Maximus, burying his wet face in the hollow of his neck, and the Spaniard could not help but reply the gesture, feeling his heart fill with tenderness and affection.
Lucius sniffled aloud and he gave him a piece of cloth to dry his eyes and blow his nose. "Now it is time for us to return to the camp. Why don't you help me to brush Scarto as we wait for Tullius to be back?
"Yes, Sir!" the child exclaimed, jumping to his feet, his eyes bright with excitement.
"Good!" Maximus smiled, put an arm around Lucius' shoulders, and gently led him back to the camp, his feeling of protectiveness for that boy so much alike his little Marcus increasing even more.
*****
Later that day Lucilla's fever reached its peak and Maximus spent the night at her side - while Lucius slept in his own tent with Valerius - bathing her with cold water obtained by melted snow, and restraining her limbs when her delirious thrashing became too violent.
It pained him to see her that way; he had seen delirious soldiers more than once, but her suffering was harder to watch and her hoarse cries almost too much to bear.
Sometime during the night, Lucilla began to call for her father and Maximus tried to soothe her by replying to her, squeezing her hand and murmuring, "I am here, Lucilla."
Her eyes were open but unfocused and she did not recognize him. "Father?" she whispered, "Are you really here?"
"Yes, I am here." Maximus smoothed her sweaty hair away from her brow.
"And Annia? Where is Annia?" she asked.
"Annia?" repeated the Spaniard, not recognizing the name.
"Yes, Annia...Where is my little one? I cannot see her." She was growing agitated.
"I…she is asleep," Maximus murmured, hoping the answer would calm her. It seemed to work because Lucilla relaxed and a smile appeared on her parched lips. "She is a beauty, eh? So much like her father- so much like Ma…" Her voice died and she suddenly fell silent, her eyes closing and her head rolling to the side. For just a second Maximus feared the worst, so abrupt had been the change, but he relaxed, seeing her chest rise and fall.
He continued to bathe her all night and by the beginning of the new day the herbs procured by Tullius seemed to have effect and the fever dropped. Maximus waited to be sure the change was permanent, then he left it to Valerius to guard Lucilla and retired to his tent for some sleep.
His last thought, before he fell asleep, was for the mysterious Annia. Who was she? She was obviously important for Lucilla, a daughter, perhaps? But if it was so, why had Marcus Aurelius never mentioned her in all their many discussions about their families?
*****
Lucilla's condition improved quickly, but after the great fright of the past days, Maximus insisted she spend at least three more days in bed after the fever had disappeared. She obeyed, but by the second day she was hopelessly bored and restless. To keep her quiet at least for one more day, Maximus found a squared piece of wood, incised some lines on it and with the help of little stones he created a latrunculi board, which he presented to her with a "Care for a game?" Lucilla smiled at his masterpiece, touched by his attentiveness.
They began to play at once, with her laying in bed, him sitting on the wagon floor and the board on the nightstand, both of them lost in memories about the last time they had played together. After a while Maximus broke the silence. "May I ask you something?"
"Of course," she replied, raising her eyes from the makeshift board to look at him.
"Who is Annia?"
Colour left Lucilla's face so quickly Maximus was worried she was about to faint. "How…how do you know this name?"
"You cried it out many times, while you were delirious."
"I understand." Lucilla lowered her head to stare at her shaking hands, then looked back at him. "Annia was my daughter, Maximus."
"Oh." The Spaniard was not surprised to see his thesis being confirmed. "Your father never spoke about her." Which was strange, considering how proud he was of Lucius.
"She died very young, only five months old." Lucilla looked out of the wagon window, and swallowed hard.
"I am sorry.... It must have been hard to explain to Lucius he had lost his little sister. I remember how difficult it was when I had to tell Marcus his pet rabbit had gone forever." Maximus murmured, saying the first thing that came to his mind.
Lucilla sighed deeply, "Lucius does not know he had a sister. Annia was more than a year older than he."
"I see." Maximus fell silent for a little while, his mind musing on the last detail. There was something wrong in it. He knew Lucius was born almost at the same time Marcus had been born, which meant that Lucilla gave birth to Annia just few months after her marriage with Lucius Verus.... The Spaniard's head snapped up, a sudden idea crossing his mind. "When was Annia born, exactly?"
His tone meant business and as much as Lucilla would have liked not to tell him the truth, she knew she couldn't lie to him again. "She was born seven months after my marriage." She swallowed hard, "She was your daughter, Maximus."
He grew deadly pale, shock clear in his gaze, then his eyes narrowed and his face hardened.
"My daughter?" he growled with barely repressed fury. "My daughter?"
Lucilla nodded softly, "Yes."
"Why did you never tell me? Did I not deserve to know it?" He was angry, but also hurt and his voice betrayed him.
"Maximus, I wanted to tell you, but I could not. You know my father forbade further contact between us...and I also wanted to protect you." She reached out to touch his arm, but he wrenched it away.
"Protect me?! Protect me? You are lying! As you have always done with me!" he shouted. "I have always been a toy for you, someone you could control and bend to your wishes!" Like a wounded animal, he lashed out blindly, wanting to hurt her in return, "I wonder if you ever had some real affection for me or if you just played with my feelings!"
"That's not true!" she cried, "I loved you and I lo…"
"Leave off, I don't need to hear any more lies!" he said sarcastically, before rising to his feet, knocking down the board, and leaving the wagon, deaf to Lucilla's desperate pleas to stop.
*****
Maximus stormed away from the camp and escaped into the forest, just like Lucius had done days before, walking quickly, barely avoiding bushes and low branches, until he reached a little stream and stopped. He breathed deeply, trying to calm down, hoping the murmuring waters could soothe his aching heart. He had a daughter. He had a daughter and he lost her without having any chance to know her. Annia. He tasted the name on his lips. Annia, his little baby. He had always longed for a daughter, but the gods did not see it fit to give to Selene and him more children after Marcus, as much as they had hoped for them. He wondered about Annia; how had she looked? Had she been dark haired like him? Or did she have her mother's light, curly chestnut hair? Her mother...Lucilla. Maximus closed his eyes. He had hurt her minutes before, because it did not seem fair he had to be the only one suffering so much.
But it was not really Lucilla's fault if he had not known anything about his daughter. He remembered how stern and inflexible Marcus Aurelius had been that afternoon of almost twelve years before, when he had ordered him to never again try to see or contact Lucilla and how the emperor had said he was going to command the same to his daughter. He remembered how Marcus had explained to him the dangers for both him and Lucilla if their relationship became known and how his beloved Caesar, years later, had informed him with sadness, that he had to use codes to write his private letters for fear someone might read them. How could Lucilla have written Maximus such important and potentially dangerous news as him being her daughter's real father in that situation? What if the letter had been discovered by Lucius Verus? Or Commodus? Or Faustina, Lucilla's own mother, whose lack of morality had been so well known even in the provinces?
No, Maximus thought, Lucilla had been right to stay silent, thus protecting all the people involved, avoiding that her husband might decide to expose the baby if he discovered the truth. And also, the Spaniard knew it would have been very hard and painful for him to know he had a daughter and not even be able to see her...
He spent some more time in the woods, leaving his place of reflection only when the sun began its descent. Valerius gave him a confused look when he reappeared in camp and he gestured with his head to tell him everything was fine and he could go on with the dinner preparation. The former centurion nodded, but looked under his eyelashes as Maximus entered the wagon, wanting to check Lucilla's condition and apologize with her for his previous outburst.
*****
Lucilla was lying on her side, her muffled sobs filling the little space and breaking Maximus' heart. She was so lost in pain, she did not notice him, until he sat on her bed and gently took her by the shoulders, raising her to a sitting position and wrapping her in his arms.
When she realized what was going on, she responded to his embrace will all her strength, burying her face in the hollow of his neck and crying louder than before.
"Shh," he soothed her, caressing her back in slow, circular motions. "Everything is alright."
Lucilla raised her wet face to look at him, "I did not want to hurt you," she whispered, her voice shaking, "I never intended to. I know I was wrong to lie to you about Lucius Verus, but I did so because I loved you and I desperately wanted to be with you. I never played with you...at least not consciously." She sniffled and paused, waiting for his reaction. Maximus tightened his embrace, to show her he was listening, and she went on. "As for Annia, I would have liked to shout at the entire world you were my baby's real father, but I could not... I could not."
He did not speak, not really trusting his emotions, but he stroked her cheek with his index finger as he had done the night they had met in the Ludus Magnus and the tenderness in his gaze brought fresh tears into her eyes.
"It seems I am only able to hurt you," she went on, "I caused you only pain and I had you almost killed...I cannot understand how you can bear even the sight of me."
"Don't say so," he whispered, his finger never ceasing in its caress of her cheek and jaw.
"But I betrayed you to Commodus! I told him about your plan to escape! Do you know it?" Lucilla almost shouted.
"Yes, I know it." Maximus said calmly, taking her by the shoulders and staring into her eyes, "But I forgave you long ago. I am almost sure you did it because your brother threatened Lucius." He looked at her inquiringly and she nodded, "I surmised it...In your situation, I would have probably done the same to save my son."
Lucilla doubted it, but she saw he was deadly serious in his claim he had forgiven her. 'I don't deserve your kindness,' she thought, before whispering, "Thank you." and burying her face once again in the hollow of his neck.
This time her tears were not born from pain but from relief. In his safe embrace she released years of guilt, fear and desperation, glad she no longer had to be strong, but could find support in Maximus' great heart. A heart, she vowed solemnly to herself and the gods, she was not going to hurt anymore, for the rest of her life.
*****
Rosy, pale sunbeams filtering inside the wagon disturbed Lucilla's sleep. She tried to roll over, to block them and sleep some more, but a pair of strong arms stopped her. She opened her eyes and stared at Maximus' sleeping face, lying on the pillow at few inches from her own. Her heart began to gallop at this view; how many years had passed since the last time she had awoken in his arms! And how good it felt to have him once again in her bed. Now Lucilla knew why she had slept so well, despite her still lingering illness and the emotional outpour of the past day, she had enjoyed her most restful night in years.
Maximus' presence had kept her safe even in Morpheus' reign. She observed his still slumbering face, barely controlling the urge to caress his bearded cheeks. While sleeping, some of the lines around his eyes and mouth, caused by worries, responsibilities and suffering, lessened or disappeared, making him look younger, much alike he was when they had first met. It pained her to think she might have put some of those lines on his face, but she rejoiced as she remembered his words of forgiveness of the night before. Maximus had truly meant it and she began to wonder if she could dare to hope they still might have a future together. They had yet to discuss what would happen once they reached her estate near Eburacum, but she hoped he would decide to stay and begin a new life with her and Lucius.
She still loved him, even more now that she had known the terrible pain of losing him and she hoped that, in the course of time, when the wounds of losing his family healed, he might reciprocate her love.
Letting her heart guide her, Lucilla kissed him lightly on his warm lips, then moved her head back to watch him wake up. His eyelashes flickered, then he opened his eyes, blinking a couple of times to focus his vision. Maximus seemed surprised and then embarrassed to find her in his arms, and he tried to move away, but she stopped him by tightening her embrace.
"Good morning," she whispered with a smile.
"Good morning," he replied, a soft look on his face. "How do you feel?"
"Much better. This was my most restful night in years."
Maximus nodded slowly, "It was the same for me."
"Really?"
"Yes."
They smiled at each other, before he tried to move again. This time she let him go, watching him sit up and smooth his short hair back in place. She would have liked to do so, but she felt it was not the moment.
"So," he asked, "What would you like for breakfast?"
"Some bread with honey and broth would be very good,"
"Then the lady shall have it." Maximus smiled a boyish grin that left her breathless and prepared to go out. He had just gotten on his feet, before Lucilla reached out her hand and took his wrist. When he looked at her interrogatively, she raised her head and staring into his yes, whispered, "Thank you Maximus. For everything you did, and for having always been here when I needed you."
She saw him swallow hard, then curtly nod, but no words left his lips; it was not necessary, since his expressive blue-green eyes had told her everything she needed to know. There was still hope for them and her heart soared with joy, as she watched him leave the wagon to prepare for the day.
*****
Lucilla's illness and subsequent recovery marked the beginning of a new phase in her and Maximus' relationship. Their discussion had cleared the air between them, blowing away years old feelings, and now they were ready to start to build again on the basis of an affection that had refused to die despite everything and everyone.
It started slowly, with long and tenacious latrunculi games, played under Lucius' and the soldiers' attentive eyes, with the former legionaries betting among themselves about the eventual winner, and it continued with equally long and poignant talks sitting around the fire or inside the wagon.
In the beginning their conversations were hesitant and tentative, because it was not easy to find safe topics. So they would tell each other about the strange rituals and traditions they had assisted or discovered, Maximus living among the Germans for years, Lucilla travelling large areas of the empire with her father or husband. Lucius, who till that moment had led a very sheltered life and was eager to discover if the real world was anything like the things he had read in the books, especially enjoyed these talks.
But gradually their emotional trust grew, and their talks became deeper and more intimate, no longer suitable for Lucius' ears. Maximus told her about his pain upon discovering his dead family, about his desire to die and his instinct of survival, which did not allow him to simply let it go, but pushed him to continue fighting, enabling him to survive the hard training as a gladiator, and transform himself into The Spaniard. Lucilla in turn spoke about the years spent near Commodus, watching him transform from her little feisty brother into a perverse monster, but still loving him, until his attention for her became incestuous. They also talked about their married lives and mourned the death of their loved ones: Annia, Marcus, Selene.
Only two topics were resolutely avoided: their past affair and their future once arrived in Britannia, but both of them knew it was only a matter of time.
*****
It was late night but Lucilla was not able to sleep, too many thoughts crowded her mind. It had always been so for her; when she was tense or worried sleep failed to visit her, and during the time Commodus had been Caesar she could count on her hands the nights she had been able to enjoy more than a few hours of rest. Luckily she was no longer living under such stressful conditions, but still her mind was far from relaxed. In the end she gave up any attempt to will herself to sleep and lit up the lamp. She sat up on the bed and looked around the room, the first bedchamber she had been in since leaving Caprae almost three months before. How much road she had covered since that day! In every sense of the word, she smiled to herself.
The little party was now in Gesoriacum, awaiting the departure of the ship to Britannia. It was scheduled for two days later and they had decided to spend them in the finest inn of the town instead of camping outside the walls as they had always done till that moment. "I think we deserve it," Maximus had said with a smile and the rest of the group had been more than ready to agree with him, especially when the innkeeper had told them, with barely contained pride, his building had a small private bathing resort, always at his guests' disposal. Even Lucius, who like many children did not have a great fondness for baths, had jumped with joy at the news and passed almost an hour splashing in the pool. It was really a good thing there were only few guests in the inn, because their group ended up occupying the bathroom for almost all the afternoon. Lucilla thought back about how pleasurable her long soak in the pool had been, and suddenly decided that perhaps a warm bath would have been good to help her relax. Without losing time, she dressed again, took a linen towel and left the room.
A few minutes later she was once again in the calidarium, her hair coiled, her head resting on the marble edge of the tub as small clouds of steam rose around her from the warm water. She was not concerned someone might disturb her, because she had paid the slave guarding the baths not to let anyone inside, in the improbable eventuality someone else wanted to take a bath at such a late hour.
Her eyes closed, Lucilla willed her body to relax and let her mind wander. Predictably enough, her thoughts went to Maximus and she reached the conclusion he was the cause of her tension. It was not something he had done but, rather something he - they - had failed to; they had yet to discuss what was going to happen once they arrived to Eburacum. Yes, it was true, there was still time before their travel came to an end, but it looked like the imminent sea journey marked a sort of turning point for her. As if her new life was going to really begin once she stepped in Britannia and she was desperate to know if Maximus was going to be part of it, but at the same time she was still afraid to ask him. It was a no-win situation and she did not like it a bit...Lucilla's eyes snapped open as she heard footsteps echoing in the far side of the bathroom. Who was there? And why had the slave outside not stopped the newcomer or alerted her? She looked frantically to where she had left her tunic and robe and was about to swim in that direction, when the steps ceased and she heard a loud gasp. She turned around, her arms crossed over her breasts and took a look.
It was Maximus.
He was standing near the pool, dressed with a wine-red tunic and with a towel on his arm. He was staring at her, a stunned expression on his handsome face. Lucilla stared back at him speechless, until she noticed how hard it was for him to keep his eyes from wandering to the top of her breast, which were barely covered by her still crossed arms. That realization made her heartbeat quicken, as she thought perhaps she was on the verge of getting the answer she had prayed for. But still she did not speak and after some moments of silence, Maximus blinked his eyes and cleared his throat. "I… I am sorry Lucilla... I thought nobody was here. I will leave you alone now. Goodnight." He bowed his head to her and turned around but before he was even able to take a step, Lucilla called, "Maximus, stop!"
And just as he had done eighteen months before in Vindobona, the Spaniard stopped.
Lucilla rose to stand up in the pool, letting her arms fall to her sides, and when Maximus turned again, there was no barrier to block his vision of her.
She was stunning, with the water sliding down her body, which was different, more full and curvy than he remembered in his memories. It was the body of a woman, not a girl. Maximus' eyes did not know where to look first and he seemed to want to drink in all of her at the same time. Lucilla stood still under his scrutinizing glance, without any shame or embarrassment but her heart was hammering in her chest. She too stared at Maximus, observing his reaction to her.
He was not indifferent to her, not indifferent at all. His beautiful blue-green eyes were dilated, his nostrils were flaring, his jaw was tense, his breath was hurried and a telltale bulge had appeared under his tunic.
They stayed still for what seemed an eternity, then Maximus reached out his arm. He did not say a single word, but simply waited for her to leave the tub, cross the room and take his hand. When she was in front of him, he unfolded the linen towel he had carried with him and wrapped it around Lucilla, drying her body with strong but gentle strokes, his burning eyes never leaving hers. When she was dry, he tied the towel around her and bent down, sweeping her into his arms, walking then out of the room.
Lucilla was amazed by his behaviour, by his intensity and by his continued silence, and tried to break his composure, grabbing his head and kissing him on the mouth. His reaction was immediate; he stopped walking, opened his lips and kissed her back with a barely controlled urge, making her understand he had not acted till that moment for fear he was going to lose his control and take her now and here, on the cold marble pavement. She would not have really minded it, so great was her need, but she appreciated his desire for privacy. Maximus let go of her lips and resumed his walk with a much faster pace.
When they left the bathroom, Lucilla caught a glimpse of the sleeping slave, understanding why he had not stopped the Spaniard from going inside. She smiled to herself, silently thanking the boy for it.
*****
Once in her bedroom, Maximus bolted the door, always balancing Lucilla in his arms, then he walked to the middle of the chamber and put her down. Her towel fell almost in its own volition, leaving her naked once again. This time Maximus did not limit himself to only looking.
THIS PART HAD BEEN EDITED FOR IT CONTAINS EXPLICIT SEX. If you wish to read it, please e-mail me at this address: droit_et_loyal@telvia.it I will be happy to send it to you.
When they had recovered, Maximus and Lucilla snuggled up to each other, facing each other and exchanging little, tender, affectionate kisses, sharing their happiness in silence. No words were needed to express their feelings, they were too clear in their slowly closing eyes, and they had already pledged their vows to each other.
As sleep came to claim them, Maximus and Lucilla knew that after all their troubles and suffering they were finally together and they were going to be for the rest of their lives.
*****
They spent the following day secluded in her bedroom, making love and talking, with only a brief pause to reassure Lucius they were both fine and to leave him in the care of an amused and happy Valerius.
When they finally emerged from the room it was already dinnertime, and it was in front of a proverbial Lucullian meal that, their hands joined, Maximus and Lucilla announced their intention to marry.
Lucius received the news with a jubilant cry and only his and his mother's presence stopped Valerius and Glaucus from giving free rein to their happiness for their general. Maximus had no doubts he was going to receive plenty of friendly and explicit pieces of 'advice' about his future role as a husband, however, as soon as Lucilla and the child left them alone.He did not need them, but for sure it would be fun to hear them! He thought with laughter.
EPILOGUE
Eburacum, 187AD"Lunch is ready, my lady." The ancella announced to Lucilla, "Do you want me to go out and alert the master?"
"No, Delia, there is no need. Just take care that the food is served on the table, then go to find your husband while I search for mine."
"It is not necessary, Lucilla, Valerius is already sitting in the triclinium." The two women exchanged a look of understanding, before the maid returned to the kitchen to give instructions to the servants.
Lucilla watched her go and smiled, thinking how good life had turned out to be, both for her and her friend. When she had left Delia in Caprae she had thought she would not see her again. Instead, almost a year later, someone had knocked on the villa's door and there she was, her childhood friend and trusted confidant. She had travelled from Rome - after prying the location of her mistress' new home from Senator Gracchus - with a merchant caravan and arrived in Eburacum just in time to help Lucilla to give birth to her second son, Maximus Iunior.
And then, when it seemed life could not become even better, Delia had fallen in reciprocated love with Valerius, now Maximus' right hand on the farm, and the two of them had married, to her mistress' and her husband's delight.
Lucilla's smile widened as she walked out into the courtyard searching for Maximus and their children. She found them easily; they were in the barn, all sitting in the hay, as Maximus was showing to Iunior and the twins Marcia and Galeria how to handle and caress some kittens. It was such a tender scene to see her children play with the little creatures - after all, in a certain sense they were all puppies - she was moved to tears by it. Maximus chose that moment to turn his head and, seeing her, he flashed her a boyish, warm grin that made her knees tremble. Five years together had only increased and strengthened their love for each other, as her body's reaction showed.
"Lunch is ready," she called approaching the barn.
He nodded, then turned to the children. "Did you hear Mama? Let the kittens go, they too must eat now." Maximus stood up and helped Iunior, a dark haired, blue eyed sturdy four-year-old, Marcia and Galeria, who were miniature copies of their mother, to do the same, brushing away the hay from their clothes. His gestures were so gentle it would have been almost impossible to associate him to the man who had once been Rome's greatest general and most feared gladiator and Lucilla was happy he finally had the possibility to be just what he wanted to be; a husband, a father, and a farmer.
He scooped up both twins into his arms, while Lucilla took Maximus Iunior by the hand. As they were crossing the yard, they saw a horse approach, carrying Lucius, just returned from some errands in the city. The youngster jumped down from the saddle and a groom ran to take care of the animal.
"Just in time for lunch," commented Lucilla with an affectionate glance at her tall, strong and tanned fifteen-year-old son.
"You know Mother, my stomach never fails to alert me when it is time to eat!" Lucius grinned, then walked near Maximus, who was still embracing the two squirming two-year-old twins and said, "May I?" before taking Galeria into his own arms. When the toddler was comfortable he added, "While I was in town, I met the duumviri and they asked me if you would like to become a member of the city assembly."
"And what did you reply?" Asked Maximus.
"That I would let you know, and that I was sure you would be honored by their offer, but that I suspected you won't be interested."
"Good answer. I will visit them next time I am in town. Thank you for telling me."
Lucius waved his thanks away and entered the house carrying his sister, just as Delia and another servant came out.
"Lunch is ready, master."
"Thank you Delia, we will be inside in a minute. In the meantime, can you take care of the little man and woman here and take them to wash their hands?" Maximus smiled.
"Of course, domine." Delia and the other woman stepped forward and took the children in their arms, going into the villa as Maximus and Lucilla remained outside. He looked at the large expanse of their farm, then smiled at his wife. "The duumviri should have asked you to join the assembly. You are the real politician among us."
"I was. Now I am just a wife and a mother."
Maximus turned to face her and murmured, "Sometimes I get worried this life is not enough for you, used as you were to Rome's social life and political arena."
"Don't ever worry about it, my love," she caressed his cheek, "this is just what I need now." Her hand gestured at him, their home and the fertile fields surrounding them. "I had enough 'excitement' in Rome to last for a lifetime and here I have so many things to do I have no free time to get bored." She paused and an impertinent smile appeared on her still beautiful face, "And when I actually find some free time, I usually know what to do..." her voice died in a sultry whisper.
"And that would be?" Maximus enquired, arching an eyebrow.
"I like to invent new ways to keep you entertained at night..."
"Oh, but this is really interesting." His eyes darkened with desire, and he took her in his arms. "Can't you give me some details about it?"
"No, you will have to wait till tonight."
She caressed his short, soft hair, which was still dark, but for some silver strands near his temples.
"I understand...Well, let's see if this makes you change your mind..."
They kissed passionately for several moments, with Maximus showing his wife there was not any risk he might get bored with her, and Lucilla being on the verge of granting his request and sneaking into the barn with him, when Lucius' voice called from inside the house.
"Maximus! Mother! Are you coming? The children are hungry! I am hungry!"
Lucilla and Maximus separated, smiled at each other and with a look that promised 'Tonight', they entered their villa hand in hand.
THE END
Historical notes:
The Course of Honour (cursus honorum): established by Augustus, was the series of steps a man coming from a senatorial or equestrian family had to take during his political career. Senators and knights followed different paths and had access to different offices, but both the 'courses' began with the military service as tribunes, when the young men were 20 years old or so. After the tribunate, the young man became a quaestor, an aedilis, a praetor, and a consul. To become a general of a legion, the Roman man had to become at least a praetor, because the Roman army did not follow the rules of promotion as our modern army (even if not all the praetors became generals; only one who had distinguished himself while serving as tribune was chosen to command a legion, for a period of three years). Now, coming to Maximus, we have a major problem, because Marcus Aurelius tells us Maximus has never been to Rome, which would have been practically impossible in real life, because he should have served his political career there to become so popular to be chosen as Commander of the entire Army of the North. This story is my attempt to give an explanation to this contradictory fact.
The real Lucilla and her son Lucius Verus plotted against Commodus in 182AD and were exiled to Caprae before being executed.