Chapter 2: She's gone

"How may I help you ma'am?"

The police station looks just like I imagined it to be, white walls, bulletin boards, desks and corridors that could easily turn the place into a labyrinth. The only thing that's missing is a Minotaur. The fluorescent light gives the building a grizzled and uncomfortable appearance. Faint sounds of talking people fill the space. On my left is a wall covered in posters of missing people, lost pets, posters about suicide prevention and phone numbers of all kinds of administrations. The waiting room on my right is filled with people that are all tired of waiting until the number on their ticket pops up on the TV-screen, so they get called into one of the offices down the hall. My elbows are currently placed on top of the counter of the entrance hall of the New York Police Department.

"Ma'am you ok?"

I can't do anything but stare at the woman in front of me. She's sitting behind her desk, looking at her computer screen. She probably encounters dozens of women and men who give up their loved ones as missing persons, so it shouldn't make me nervous. Still, it's terrifying to know that once those words leave my mouth she will open a file and title it: 'Alex Vause'. For a second, I think I might run off.

As the woman repeats her question her head snaps up in my direction and she looks me straight in the eye.

"Yeah, uhm, I'm sorry. It's been a long and stressful day." I begin to ramble. "I'm here to report a missing person." I intertwine my fingers and feel the sweat on my hands.

"May I have your ID please?"

I reach into my purse and open my wallet. As I'm about to give her my ID I see a glimpse of the photograph Alex placed inside. I take my ID out of the leather compartment and hand it over.

"Thank you." She types a few things in the computer. "Alright, you can have your ID back and I'm going to give you a ticket. Take a seat in the waiting room and an officer will be with you as soon as possible."

I grab the ticket and am on my way to take a seat on one of the empty chairs.

This is it. Now it's real.

…..

Yesterday Diane called me to invite me over for dinner. She's just as broken over the disappearance of Alex as I am. As much as I love Nicky, Diane's comfort is the kind I seek. Don't get me wrong, Nicky is a wonderful friend and I wouldn't trade her for the world but most of the times she finds it too hard to talk about her emotions. She basically dodges every conversation about her best friend. And that's okay for now, if that's how she copes but that doesn't mean that there must come a time in which she has to admit that she's afraid and misses Alex. She must stop building a wall around herself. I truly hope that Lorna can break through her walls and can get her to talk to her.

In contrast to Nicky I want to talk about Alex almost constantly. Which I can imagine must be frustrating for my environment from time to time. But then I ask myself, how would they be if they were in my shoes?

I step out of my car and walk to the front of Diane's house. Alex bought it for her when she was 26. Ever since she joined the drug ring she's supporting Diane financially. She wanted to get Diane out of that miserable neighbourhood where she grew up. I couldn't be prouder of her.

As I'm standing in front of her door my thoughts begin to wander. When Diane moved in Alex and I helped her. To say that Alex distracted me would be an understatement.

"Alex can you help me with these?" Diane stands on the sidewalk and struggles to carry three boxes at the same time.

"Jeez mom, I told you to wait for me." Alex smirks and Diane laughs when Alex points out her mother's stubbornness towards getting older.

All the while I'm looking at the two women who look so alike. The interaction between them never fails to bring a smile on my face. I often wonder if it would be possible for me and my own mother to have this wonderful relationship.

"Hey Pipes." Alex jogs towards me as she returns from the house. "Are you gonna help me or are you gonna continue to lean against the car while looking at my hot ass?" She winks playfully as she picks up the next box and puts it in my hands.

My face becomes beet red and when she walks away with a lamp in hand she makes sure to sway her hips a bit more than necessary.

"Piper dear, you okay?"

I shake my head to get rid of the emotions that surfaced while I was daydreaming on her doorstep. I close my eyes for a second before looking up and seeing Diane standing right in front of me.

"I'm fine, thank you." I try to compose myself and give her a hug.

"Come in, would you like a cup of coffee? Maybe tea?"

"Yes, a cup of coffee please, that'll be great." I smile politely.

I walk into the hallway and avoid several pictures of Alex and I that cover the wall. I follow Diane into the kitchen and take a seat at the dining table. Diane is making coffee while I fidget with my hands.

"How are you holding up?" I ask her.

"I'm doing the best I can. I go to work, I do groceries, I invite friends over, take trips and try not to think about her for too long. I find it a good strategy. When I found out that Alex was part of a drug ring I did the same. Just anything to keep myself busy. I was so scared that something would happen to her. It's kind of ironic that she was safer being a part of the ring then when she quit. I prepared myself to get a call that she was busted and that she would be send to prison but I never imagined you calling to tell me that she disappeared."

Although it's been 5 weeks it feels as if it was yesterday when I called her to tell her the horrible news.

"Hey Piper, it's been a while since you called. How are you two doing? Alex working too hard as usual I guess?"

I can hear Diane smiling into the phone. This makes it just that much harder for me to know that I'm about to crush her world. I know that I need to explain what happened. I can't get myself to answer her question and am sure she can hear me sniffing into the phone by now.

"Piper are you okay?"

She can definitely hear me crying. No doubt about it. Her voice shifted from joyful to concerned in a few seconds. Harsh sobs overtake me, and my breath becomes irregular.

"Piper honey try to calm down. Whatever it is, you can tell me what happened. Did Alex do anything? Because I swear she would never hurt you intentionally." It's almost scary how much she sounds like Alex.

My voice is barely louder than a whisper when I speak. "She's gone."

"What do you mean? Where did she go?"

"I don't know Diane, she told me everything would be fine and that she'd be back." I wipe my face with my sleeve but soon enough it's as wet as it was before.

"Tell me exactly what happened." The concern in Diane's voice keeps growing until it gets replaced by complete fear and uncertainty.

"I don't know what happened. Alex told me she'd take care of everything. She said that Fahri messed up and that she had to take care of the mess or she'd risk going to prison."

"Jesus Christ." Diane mutters.

"That was four days ago. I know Alex made me promise to never call the police but there was nothing else I could do. I had to tell them that Alex is missing. She would never leave, not like that. I know her." I'm beyond the point of trying to calm down, the tears keep on streaming and I'm about to have a panic attack. It's as if a huge wave is going to knock me off my feet.

"Piper dear, you did the right thing. I know this could bring Alex into great danger but as you say yourself, there was nothing left to do. I know for sure that Alex loves you too much to just disappear on her own. She would never do that so I'm sure she's in real danger. You did the right thing."

"Have you heard anything from her?" Diane takes a seat in front of me.

I wrap my hands around the hot coffee mug that Diane just put in front of me. I take a second to think about her question. There is nothing more that I want but to tell her that there is a new piece of information, but sadly, there is none. There's nothing left to do but tell the truth.

"No. The police stopped their search after a week. There's nothing else to do but to wait for her to come back or to wait for a body to show up." As I say that last sentence I look down at the mug, preparing myself for what I'm about to say. "I'm scared."

Diane lays her hand on top of mine.

"I'm scared that she's gone. That's she's never coming back. Last week I called Nicky in the middle of the night because I couldn't sleep. I asked her if she thought Alex was still alive. Do you know what she said?"

Diane shakes her head.

I take a deep breath. "She said that I should prepare myself for the worst. But, how can I?"

I look Diane in the eye, searching for answers. It's the first time that I find none, she's as lost as I am. For the rest of the night we both try to comfort each other as best as we can. Our main topic is and will always be Alex. The whole night we she the most hilarious, memorable and stupid stories we have. Alex never leaves our minds. Diane reminds me a lot of her.

Being in her presence is the closest I can get to Alex.

At 11pm I leave to go home. Tomorrow I go back to work. It has been five weeks and I finally decided that I should take up on Polly and Nicky's advice. It might be good to be around people and to keep myself busy.

…..

I'm stupid.

Fucking stupid. How did my life turn this bad? I had everything I ever desired. I had an amazing girlfriend, a job I enjoyed and a close group of friends and my mom. But the moment Fahri walked into my office my whole world turned upside down resulting in me being where I'm now. Sitting down on a concrete floor with a sack wrapped around my head. It's worse enough that I don't have my glasses but now that the sack is preventing the light to come through I'm back in the dark.

My decision to leave the drug ring was the best and worst of my life. Piper insisted that I quit. She was tired of living in fear, she couldn't bear knowing that at any point I could land my ass in prison. Don't get me wrong, she enjoyed all the travelling we did but when shit got real and my days became longer she begged me to stop. She wanted a normal life. So, I listened, I quit the ring. I traded Kubra 15million dollars for my life and freedom. I was left with 2.7 million to start my life with Piper. Although that's a shit ton of money I couldn't shake the feeling that I would never encounter massive amounts of cash. But I did it, I did it for her.

I guess that counted as ultimate proof for the time I told Nicky that Piper was different from all the girls I met and spent the night with through the years.

Piper believed that after I quit everything was fine. I just needed to find a job and we would be happy. And so, I did, I started working as a bartender, but the happiness went as soon as it came. The high, the rush and the money, I was used to it all. They were all on my mind constantly and I couldn't help but want it back, it's as if I needed it to breathe.

For weeks I considered calling Kubra to tell him that I wanted a clean slate. I would have begged him for an opportunity to start over. One evening, I felt so extremely unhappy that I held the phone in hand and was about to call him when Piper stormed into the bedroom. She was all excited, rambling about a guy she met. He came by her store to ask if he could leave flyers for a new project. He was looking for people who were interested in starting their own business. I jumped on the idea and went to business school for a year, so I could join in on the project. See here, just when I turned 27, the birth of Vause And Associates, my very own computer business. It's nothing like the drug ring but at least it challenged me enough to keep me interested.

It was all going great, but now, right in this moment, it feels like that life is over. I'm 29 and frightened for my life. I never should have trusted him, I should have known that somehow Fahri would fuck me over, intentionally or not.

"So Vause, we're here. I'm gonna lead you to a new cell and the boss will be with you in a few moments to give you instructions regarding that letter." A guy helps me out of the van.

He holds his hand on my arms as he guides me. We walk approximately 100 metres, then we turn right and walk up a staircase. We continue to walk for a few minutes before he lets go of my arm and a lock clicks. A door slides open and he walks me into a room. He pushes me down on a chair and makes sure that I'm not able to see anything through the sack. Before I'm able to say anything the door closes. It really comes in handy that I have excellent listening skills.

Although I can't see anything around me it's necessary that I come off as being calm and confident. I can't let my nerves get the better of me. Sadly, it doesn't help that the whole night I've been tossing and turning, thinking about the letter. By now I know exactly what I need to write. There is a real possibility that they're gonna end my life, so I need to use this letter wisely.

Suddenly the door opens, and faint voices fill the room, still, they're too distinct to comprehend the exact words.

"Alright Vause, I'm the one who's in charge here. I know one of my guards informed you of the letter. I hope that you realise what a privilege this is. You should be grateful. My two companions will remove the sack around your head and as soon as I'm gone they will give you a pen and two pages. You can write whatever you want although there are a few exceptions. You can't write anything about where you've been, where you are now or who you've met. You cannot leak any information about your situation. If we catch you writing anything of such form, we will cut your throat and make sure that the receiver of that letter will never get to experience any kind of closure. Is that clear?"

I must clear my throat before answering. "Yes sir." My voice is hoarser and deeper than usual. It frightens me a bit.

"Good. Oh, one last order. We need you to write the letter as if it's your last. We wouldn't want to give Piper too much hope, wouldn't we?" He laughs disgustingly and leaves the room.

Someone grabs my head. There's nothing I can do but to surrender myself to the situation. Once the sack is the removed the so-called companions leave the room and I pick up the pen in front of me and start writing as fast as I can. They never gave me a time indication, so I can't risk them coming in after 5 minutes and taking the paper away.

I'm so caught up in writing that it takes me a while before something dawns on me. How the fuck does he know Piper's name? Panic starts to rise immediately. My throat closes, and my eyes feel puffy. If he knows Piper's name, then that means that she's in danger. But I can't take the risk to warn her in the letter. I'm useless. I'm no good. Normally I'm the strong one but all the emotions of the past weeks are starting to weigh on me. I'm feeling overwhelmed and I want nothing more to finish this letter and curl into a ball. Just pretending that I'm somewhere, preferably in my old apartment, with Piper.

I finish the letter and open the envelope on the table to put it inside. When I'm about to put it in something the size of photographs catches my eye. I pull them out and turn them around to take a look. I jump up and freak out immediately. I walk backwards until my back touches the wall. I turn around, facing the concrete and punch my fist into the grey surface. It hurts so fucking much but I can't stop, I don't care if I happen to break my hand. The tears stream down my face and I let go of all the anger. Before I completely destroy my hand, I snatch the pictures of the table and let myself slide down the wall until I sit on the floor. I my hands are photographs of Piper. All the pictures contain Piper who's being followed by the same man. Now I know for sure, they know who she is, they know who I am, and they are here to destroy my life. Our life.

…..

"Nicky open the fucking door!" I keep banging.

When I received my mail this morning and saw the familiar handwriting, all capitals, I couldn't contain myself. I jumped straight into the car and drove to Nicky. I probably broke ten speed limits and will be receiving more tickets than I can count but I couldn't care less. When I took my mail out of the box this morning, in that moment, all that mattered was Alex. Time stood still.

"Nicky, please, open the damn door! This can't wait!" The side of my fist turns into a slight blue color. "I swear to god, I don't care what you're doing. Please let me in."

Footsteps near the door. "Jeez Chapman, you sure know how to wake a girl up. Turn down the volume will ya. Lorna's still sleeping."

Nicky opens the door and I step into the hallway. "I really hope you have a good reason to wake me up because I had other plans this morning. And I can tell ya, they definitely didn't involve you." She smirks.

I take the letter out of my pocket and shove it in her hands. "Nicky it's her!"

Nicky looks confused. "What do you mean it's her? How do you from who it is? The seal isn't broken?" She raises an eyebrow. It's clear no one can do it the way Alex could.

"This letter, it's from Alex. It's her handwriting. I'm hundred percent sure!" I point at the envelope in her hands. I'm out of breath and wouldn't surprise me if I fainted any second now. Nicky notices my wobbling legs and sits me down on the couch in the living room.

"Piper calm down. You don't know for sure until you open it."

I look at Nicky and try to control my breath. "I couldn't open it on my own. As soon as I saw it I rushed to get here. I need someone beside me to hold my hand while I read it. Please Nicky, will you be here?" I look at Nicky with pleading eyes.

"Sure, I'll sit next to you and peak over your shoulder but I'm not gonna hold your hand. I know we're all lesbians, but Alex wouldn't have any of that." Nicky chuckles but I can't get myself to laugh with her joke. This is too serious.

"Ok, I'm ready, I'm going to open it, but I need you to read it with me."

Nicky takes a place beside me on the couch. I unfold the letter and soon I finish reading the first paragraph.

"Pipes,

I know you will be in shock when you receive this letter because it's been five weeks since there's been any sign of my existence. I can't possibly begin to explain how frustrating, unbearable and lonely these weeks have been. What I can do is make the most of this opportunity to reach out to you because I'm afraid it might be the last time.

I touch the letter with the tip of my index finger. Tears spill from me eyes. If this is how this letter will continue than I certainly can't read the rest. It's too painful. How has this become my reality. My mind is racing and the only image that comes up is Alex sitting in a dirty room, looking ill, writing this particular letter.

"Nicky, I can't do this. I can't. I can't continue." Every other word my breath hitches.

"Piper listen, Alex wrote this especially for you. Out of all people she chose you. She needs you to read this." Nicky rubs my back and tries to comfort me as best as she can.

I take several deep breaths before I find the courage to grab the letter back up to continue reading.

"I guess this is good news." Nicky blurts out after she finishes reading.

"Good news? What the fuck Nicky, good news would be her standing on my doorstep telling me that she's back for good." I fold the letter and put it back in my pocket. Anger rises quickly. How can she say such a thing?

"At least you know that she's alive."

"Oh, so I should just settle now that I know that she's alive?" I laugh incredulously.

"That's not what I'm saying."

"I know I should be glad, but you know as much as I do that she's still in danger." I take out my phone and dial Diane's number. "I should tell her, maybe she received another letter."

The phone rings, after a minute it goes straight to voicemail.

"This is the voicemail of Diane Vause, please leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible."

I stand up and pace up and down the room.

"Hey Diane, it's Piper, you have to call back. She reached out to me, Alex sent me a letter. I wanted to ask you if you got any mail from her. Maybe she reached out to the both of us. She doesn't give any information on her whereabouts, but I can feel that she's scared. Please call me back." I end my message and walk back to the couch.

All the commotion must have woken Lorna, she's standing next to Nicky in the kitchen. Seeing her wrap her arm around her girlfriend makes me long towards the moment I can experience the same thing with Alex again. Us playing housewives. My heart flutters when I remember her words, she wants to marry me. It makes me love her that much more, knowing that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I know that I shouldn't get my hopes up but the fact that she wrote that she'll be back, soon, very soon… It warms my heart and I'm starting to calm down.

"Piper, I think your phone is ringing." Lorna points at the pocket of my jeans.

I snap back to reality and take my phone out. "Hey Diane, thanks for calling. Did you get my message?"