PART II: ORDINARY WORLD

There were nights when she still returned to the orphanage in her dreams, stirring restlessly in her bed and reliving the following morning as she'd risen from her resting place bruised and alone. As quickly as Seifer had reappeared into her life he had been gone from it. She remembered sitting in the ruins of her childhood home as the hot tears slowly gathered into her eyes and she finally cried.

Those nights were hard and even waking from the nightmare didn't comfort her, but left her distant for the following morning. He'd inflicted a terrible wound into her by leaving without a word and since this felt better than being numb to everything, she couldn't quite abandon the pain.

Memories had slowly returned to her upon visiting familiar places and she'd stayed by the beach for many days simply trying to connect with the girl she'd once been. In a way she had succeeded for the difference in her was striking: if she had been sleepwalking for years, she was now awake and seeing things very differently. It was visible in her eyes, in her smile and even in the way she spoke. Quistis had returned to the Garden a week later, having realized how everything looked different in her eyes after Seifer's revelations.

'Her timeout' – as she'd come to call her desperate escape – had quite literally shook her very foundations and made her rethink a lot of things. Even if Seifer's methods of waking her from her misery had been cruel, she could almost understand why he had done what he had done. He was full of hatred towards everyone, maybe had always been.

Quistis could now look back and realize that just like her Seifer had been thrown into the Garden without a choice and had buried himself into his dream to survive. He'd never been a mercenary at heart, even if he'd shaped his persona to convince everyone he was an ideal candidate. He'd had everyone fooled, while his outbursts and constant rebellion against the chain of command had told another story. The Garden had never been his home even if he hadn't been able to admit it himself.

Her friends had welcomed her back with open arms and worried inquiries. She'd embraced them and kept her secret tryst with Seifer a secret that she buried deep in her heart, even though she had kept nothing else from them. It'd felt like the weight had been lifted and the horrible feeling she'd carried inside was gone. She could change her life; she no longer had to submit to anything she didn't want to for the sake of being a good student, or a role model. She didn't have to break free uncontrollably from the life she didn't long for like he had done – she could take a safer route and her friends would be there to support her.

This life of adventure and constant uncertainty wasn't what she desired. Moving with the Garden, serving whomever whenever and sometimes even fighting SeeDs she'd trained herself if the situation required it – none of it had ever spoken to Quistis. She was tired of the "Ice Queen" label everyone was quick to label her with, when it reality she was a nurturing character, who'd worked hard to stand proud in the ranks of her fellow SeeDs.

However implanting the changes in her life took time and didn't happen overnight, which is why months after her encounter with Seifer she was still in the Garden dreaming of him and waking up feeling like a worn toy that he'd used and then thrown away. It was nothing like the pain she'd experienced when her hopes of Squall returning her love had been crushed, yet it hurt. How could one feel pain for being rejected by a person you didn't even care for?

So while she now acknowledged the vicious cycle, she hadn't quite yet broken out it. Ten years of her life had been spent into making her someone she didn't really care to be and it wasn't easy to examine her heart and find out what it was she really wanted. She'd given thought to countless opportunities, but most of them just didn't feel right. Quistis had seen the politics of several countries and come to realize how they all repeated the same mistakes that led to war again and again. When she thought about where to live, she could only see herself fighting on those streets or hills in the name of her Garden or whoever it was paying the bills that time. While she'd never quite considered herself to be a pacifist, she was finding out that she was tired of fighting and longed for a peaceful existence away from bickering nations and constant threats.

Perhaps it was naïve for her to desire such a life, but the more she thought about it, the less eager she became to grasp her weapon. The peace she'd experienced at the orphanage remained within her as something solid she could present to support her case with. She wanted to feel just like that for the rest of her life. She wanted to come home at the end of the day without having to wonder what time it was and how many hours she'd get to sleep because the time zones they'd crossed.

And the decision was made in silence. A plan slowly formed around this desire for peace and quiet existence.

"Squall, I have reached a decision and I would like to talk to you about it," she said, realizing then and there that the sight of Squall no longer brought her any unease as it might've before. It made her happy, because jealousy had always made her into the bad woman she didn't want to be. Finally she could let that go and be happy for Squall and Rinoa for real.

Squall turned to meet her determined gaze and his stoic face showed a sign of curiosity. She'd changed rather abruptly after her sudden holiday and Squall still couldn't quite explain why or how this had happened. He'd always been able to rely on her insight and advice, but when she had returned she'd told him she would be leaving soon and he ought to prepare for this.

"Speak your mind," he said calmly, knowing that there was little he could do to change her mind. Uncertainly had lived in her before, but it had vanished when she'd returned and this new Quistis seemed very sure of everything she did.

"The Garden was never my decision, nor did I desire it. Even though I'm good at what I do, it isn't what I want from this life," she explained while observing her friend's reaction closely. Quistis saw no reason to lie or try and save everyone's feelings. After all it was the lies to everyone and herself that had gotten her to a place in life she wasn't happy with.

"All I see in this world is war and I want to do something to help others – something that doesn't require fighting…" she paused for awhile and looked back at Squall for support. Squall hid his emotions behind the mask of leadership and he'd perfected the art during his reign as Commander. Quistis smiled warmly as her realization that she wanted the man she loved to show her just how he felt was once again reaffirmed.

"I've decided to leave for Trabia," she announced and straightened her glasses calmly. This time Squall seemed genuinely surprised. Yes well, Trabia had never been high on Squall's to-do-list. While he supported the rebuilding and reinstating of Trabia, it had always seemed like a difficult hiccup in Squall's otherwise clean record. He just didn't know what to do with the battered Garden and Trabia had ended up becoming an endless well of unfinished actions. Quite frankly Quistis had run most of the finances and planning when it had come to Trabia.

"I was hoping you would let me turn Trabia into an orphanage."

There, she'd said it. Quistis felt a weight shift from her shoulders. The world didn't need another Garden that turned kids into mercenaries, but it did need another sanctuary for all the homeless people Ultimechia's actions had doomed into poverty and misery. Quistis wanted to help more than anything. She wanted to find a place to call her home. She wanted to feel that love she'd felt when Edea had raised them in the orphanage by the sea.

Squall was frankly surprised by this turn of events, but he couldn't say she wasn't making sense. Most of the students in Trabia had already been rehabilitated elsewhere, namely in the Balamb Garden, seeing how Galbaldia Garden was still a mess from being toyed with by the Sorceress. They had been fixing the damage done by the missile attack, but rebuilding had been expensive and gotten halted on several occasions already. So while Trabia stood as a half-built school in the wilderness, it wasn't like Quistis was asking him to turn an active Garden into an orphanage with students and teachers losing their homes and jobs.

"I trust you have a plan to finance this idea of yours somehow?" Squall responded, hoping she would simply pull the numbers from her sleeve and not have him fight with everyone about money, if he chose to support her in this endeavor. As much as he was the Commander, he just hated handling booking and didn't have an understanding of numbers and business ideas the same way Quistis did. While he'd been off uniting the world through diplomacy, Quistis had taken care of the Garden's financial needs and practically run everything for him. He'd hate to let her go, but he couldn't keep her here against her will.

"Yes, I have someone who's been quite willing to pay the bills," Quistis smiled faintly. Squall looked confused for a moment, but when Quistis' smile turned into a smirk, he realized who she was talking about.

"You mean Laguna, right?" he sighed, still a bit uneasy about his father. It hadn't been easy to accept the knowledge that his father wasn't dead, but in perfect health and an idiot at that. He still blamed Laguna for abandoning him, even if there was a shaky truce between him and his father at the moment. It'd been easier to accept the truth that no king of a father would come to rescue him, when he'd still thought his parents were dead.

Quistis nodded. "He was quite taken in by my plans for Trabia. I think he still feels guilty about the way things ended up with his own family, so he wants to give something back."

Her observation hit him like a bullet. Squall hadn't really thought about it like that, but he could see Laguna might consider this to be way to redeem him. Perhaps there was more to him than just being a bumbling idiot, who'd accidentally incapacitated a sorceress?

"Fine then," Squall said after a short moment of contemplation, "You have my blessing."

Quistis hadn't really doubted it, but a wave of relief still washed over her. Squall might've been a great military leader, but with things like these he usually trusted the advice of others. She was sure that as long as she had a disaster proof plan he wouldn't be able to refuse her. And just like that Quistis actually found herself smiling at Squall. It was a genuine smile full of hope for the future – the kind she hadn't had for years.

"Now, I'd like to ask you something in return," Squall said, gaining her attention immediately. He'd given her a future to look forward to, so she would do anything in return, be it another budget draft, update his blog for him or get him a cup of coffee every morning for the remainder of her SeeD career.

"There was some unrest in Winhill the other night. The group of SeeDs that was guarding the city was challenged by a high-level monster they couldn't quite handle. The battle was interrupted by a stranger, who helped them defeat the monster. But when they found out the identity of the stranger… and well it… was Seifer."

Quistis' smile vanished quickly upon hearing Seifer's name. Suddenly she could remember the touch of his lips on her neck and the way he had decisively manipulated her into sharing his bed quite vividly. She remembered his insults and the rain beating her into submission. Squall observed her reaction, but didn't make any remarks. He knew Seifer hadn't exactly had friends at the Garden, but he'd figured Quistis would be the one person who could handle Seifer and talk some sense into him.

"Either way, it appears that he's still able to cause unrest where-ever he goes. Seifer was thrown into jail for causing disturbance when he fought the SeeDs. Now I need someone to go talk to him, get him to us and make him attend his hearing this time."

Quite frankly Squall's understanding attitude surprised Quistis. What did it matter whether Seifer was present at his hearing or not? He'd been publically cleared of his charges in the aftermath of the Sorceress War during the handling of Edea's case. Edea had given testimony on Seifer's behalf, claiming that Ultimechia had used her telepathic abilities to influence Seifer and brainwash him. Quistis hadn't believed it and neither had several of Seifer's victims, but most war crimes had been buried for the sake of achieving peace again. The leaders of the world had feared how the trials would've affected the public and chosen to give all involved public pardons – Squall and the gang included, as they had been involved in the assassination attempt of the leading figure of Galbaldia.

"Why?" Her question was almost without sound: a muffled hurtful whisper. She tried to keep the pain inside, but couldn't quite do so. Her body ached for Seifer, whereas her mind was torn between disdain and gratefulness.

"Seifer's impulsive and rash, but I don't think a day goes by that he doesn't regret everything he's done," Squall responded, recalling his conversation with Edea, Cid and the duo of Fujin and Raijin quite recently. They'd been trying to find him for awhile now, but seeing how Fujin and Raijin were needed elsewhere at the moment, he couldn't think of anyone else to look after Seifer but Quistis. Squall too had been pushing for Seifer's punishment initially, only to realize how under different circumstances it could've easily been him in Seifer's place.

"Do you think he's worthy of redemption?" Quistis asked, honestly unable to answer the question herself. She knew better than anyone that Seifer was still doing vicious deeds and still full of grudge. He might've been more of a man now than he'd been during the war, but that didn't stop him from stepping on the people he didn't respect. It hadn't stopped him from using her.

Squall answered almost without hesitation, "If it was me, I'd be happy to get another chance."

So that was it? Squall had done some soul-searching and realized he too was in danger of becoming another Seifer once upon a time? Somehow it all ringed false to Quistis' ears and made her respect Squall less. If she was truly reformed and a better person, she wouldn't have wanted everyone to treat Seifer with the same suspicion as she did, but apparently he was her one sin: A sin of regret, lust and pride.

"It's not quite that is it?" Quistis asked, sensing a secret involved in all of this. Her comment seemed to invoke a reaction from Squall though: he was visibly shaken for a moment before he returned his face to its usual unreadable expression and coughed with a strained smile. Quistis knew immediately she'd guessed right. Something else was behind all of this. Whatever it was, it had to be powerful to make Squall stand up for Seifer.

The two had always been enemies, but had most compatible spirits, even to the point that Quistis had believed she could've made them sparring partners and inspire a budding friendship this way. She chuckled at the memory of how well that plan had worked out - Needless to say that her views when she'd still been their Instructor had been colored by inexperience and a naïve view of the world. At least now she could look back on things and smile at them, instead of re-opening old wounds.

"Fine then," she finally yielded to his will, knowing fully well that if she refused the mission in order to protect herself from further heartbreak, she'd only end up thinking about him again. It was better to cut the snake's head and face him. "But this will be my final mission. After this I want to focus on Trabia."

Squall nodded as a sign of understanding. There had been other things he had hoped she would do before leaving, but somehow he felt it was important Quistis do this before she left. There would always be someone to handle the mechanical odd jobs Quistis had had her hand in, but nothing could replace Quistis' heart. She had a nurturing character and if he believed in anyone, it was her. Maybe Seifer could use such support in the hard days to come?

TBC