AN: I was really floored by the response to my first NCIS: LA Kensi/Deeks attempt. Big thanks to everyone who took the time to leave a review/feedback. It's always fun, but challenging writing new characters.
Based on the positive response and support, I've decided to continue the story past its original oneshot. This chapter and the next 2-3 chapters will follow Kensi and Deeks as they figure out their thing and learn more about themselves and each other. I already have most of the next chapter completed - just a note that some parts of this chapter and the next chapter do touch on parts of aired episodes, so there could be some spoilers, but the focus is on Kensi and Deeks much more than the plots of the episodes. Some parts of these chapters will also feature other NCIS: LA characters...I feel like I have less of a handle on them than on Kensi/Deeks, so I'd love some feedback.
Thanks for reading!
X
Something more than just partners...
The following day, Kensi arrived at work early to find Deeks and Callen already at their desks. As promised, there was a box of donuts on her desk. She smiled as she sat and almost giddily pulled the box close. It had been too long since she had had these particular donuts. "Morning," she called cheerfully.
Callen whistled. "Wow, Deeks. That's the happiest I've seen your partner in a long time."
"What makes you think I have anything to do with it? She can be happy for a multitude of reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with me." Deeks said quickly, clearly overanalyzing the comment with last night's conversation in mind.
"Didn't you get her the donuts?"
"I, uh, oh...yeah. Yes. I did. So, yeah. My fault she's happy, I guess."
Had Kensi's mouth not been full of donut, she would have laughed. Her partner was the best undercover operator she'd ever worked with, but when it came to his personal life, he couldn't keep cool, let alone tell a convincing lie.
Callen gave Deeks a look that clearly questioned how it was possible he survived doing undercover work, let alone had his partner's back.
"Jeez, Deeks, how much caffeine have you had this morning?" Kensi asked between bites, giving her partner an out and getting the focus away from his odd reaction to Callen's question.
"Probably more than I should have had," he responded.
"Maybe take a break?" Callen suggested. "Or have a donut to soak up some of the coffee?"
"I already had a donut."
"Having another may be a service to your partner, here. You'll be saving her from herself," Callen joked.
Kensi would have responded had her mouth not been full with her second - no, third - donut.
"Yeah, you try taking one off her," Deeks joked as they both laughed at her expense.
Kensi swallowed quickly. "Shut up, both of you," she demanded, which of course led to neither of them stopping. "I hate you both."
Callen nudged her shoulder playfully. "Come on, Kens. Share your treats."
She glared at him, but relented and held out the box to him first and then stood and walked the box over to her partner. "Fine, but no more laughing at my eating habits."
"That rule only applies for today, right?" Deeks said as he selected his donut.
"I thought it only applied for this morning?" Called countered.
She sat back down in a huff. "I'm nice and this is what I get?"
"We're nice," Deeks insisted. "Like Callen said; we're saving you from yourself. Think of the calories we're saving you from and our selfless sacrifice."
"Speak for yourself," Callen countered, "This is only my first."
Deeks huffed good naturedly. "Fine; think of my selfless sacrifice. I've saved you two donuts worth of calories."
Callen chuckled. "Well, if it's a quiet day you two can hit the gym and work off the calories together."
Deeks, who had chosen the wrong moment to take a sip of his coffee, immediately sputtered, spewing half a mouthful of coffee onto his desk while the other half went down the wrong way. He coughed, wide eyed as he shook his head, furiously attempting to remove memories of yesterdays conversation from his mind.
Kensi stood to help him, but he waved her off. She dropped a pile of napkins onto his desk to aid in the clean up, and returned to her seat, studiously ignoring Callen's gaze the entire time.
Callen, of course, noticed Deeks reaction to his words and noticed Kensi's avoidance of his gaze along with her reddened cheeks. When she was back at her seat and risked a glance in his direction he had returned to his paperwork with an expression that screamed 'I don't want to know.'
Sam called out a cheerful, "Good morning," to his teammates as he rounded the corner to find all three already at their desks. His partner was studiously working away at some unknown paperwork, but the clench of his jaw told Sam he wasn't as focused as he was trying to pretend he was. Deeks was dabbing away at some unknown spill on his desk - nothing new there. Sam didn't know, didn't need to know and didn't care as long as the spill stayed on Deeks's desk and off his own. Most interesting was Kensi, whose cheeks were uncharacteristically pink. He knew from experience it took a lot to rile the junior agent. A hell of a lot. But if it was enough that his partner was ignoring it, then Sam would, too.
He did a quick inspection to ensure whatever it was Deeks was cleaning up - coffee? - had not crossed the line to his desk and then sat when he was sure it was safe. "No case?"
"Nothing yet," Callen said.
Sam smiled. He could tell just from Callen's tone that he needed out of there. "We could go to the gym and-" He cut himself off at his partner's expression. Beside him, Deeks coughed twice as he continued to dab at his desk with a handful of napkins. Okay, no gym. This was strange, even for a room with Deeks in it.
Sam sat back in his chair, and then frowned. "Something's different." He turned on his chair, carefully surveying the details of the room around him. Something was different; something had changed. He did one pass of the room right to left; nothing.
Now he had Callen's attention. His partner stood and glanced around. "What?"
Kensi and Deeks were looking around as well.
"I'm not sure, but something..." He did a second pass of the room, this time left to right. He almost looked past it, but there it was. Same place it had been sitting for a year, but different. He pointed without getting up. "The box changed."
"Sam's right," Callen said. "It's smaller. And no more stickers."
"Oh, that," Deeks said, nonchalantly. "Just Kensi playing mind games."
"That's not my intention," she argued.
"I beg to differ," Deeks bantered back, pointing at the box. "I opened the box, only to find another box. I refuse to continue this charade."
"It's not a charade!"
"Are you telling me if I open that box over there that there's not another box inside it?"
She stammered for a moment and then shrugged. "You'll have to open it and find out."
Deeks made a keening noise and buried his face in his hands. "What's in the box?!"
"Oh, God, not this again," Callen laughed.
"You know what's in the box."
Deeks lifted his head. "Except there's no way you put that in the box. It would be physically impossible for you to put that in the box."
X
Best friends...
Almost two weeks after their talk, they spend three days working side by side with Callen and Sam to close a case. The four of them are stressed out of their minds and exhausted by the time the threat is contained and world safe for another day. Sam hurries home to his family and Callen takes off soon after, leaving Kensi and Deeks alone at their desks.
"Hell of a case," Deeks comments as he places his shoulder bag down on his desk and glances into the main pocket, as if checking he has everything he needs to take home.
Kensi nods and stifles the urge to yawn. "I was beginning to think it would never end."
Her partner nods his agreement as his riffles through his bag.
She stands and lifts her own bag, glancing worriedly at her suddenly quiet partner. Quiet Deeks was never a good thing. And definitely not a normal thing. "You okay, partner?" She inquired, consciously going back over the situations they'd gotten themselves into together, but nothing jumped out as significant. The case been long and tense, but nothing particularly noteworthy had occurred.
"I'm good," he replied, finally looking at her and away from his bag.
She raised an eyebrow, not needing to verbalize her obvious disagreement.
He huffed out a laughing breath. "I was just wondering if you were...hungry?"
Kensi had to bite back a smile at the combination of hesitancy and hopefulness in his expression. They hadn't been out, just the two of them, since their talk. No lunches, no dinners, no movie nights, no mornings at the beach, no surfing lessons, no morning runs. Nothing personal. Neither had thought to discuss what their non-work related relationship would be while they worked towards their thing. Kensi would have sacrificed the personal stuff in the short term if that's what he wanted, but the look in his eyes now told her that was anything but what he wanted. Tension she hadn't realized she was carrying left her shoulders immediately as she remembered just who she was talking to.
"I'm starving," she told her best friend.
X
The opposite of friends with benefits...
Two weeks later, they had their first movie night since their talk. Another marathon case had eaten away at their personal time that week, but after re-scheduling already once (spending the evening on stakeout with her partner is so not the same as a movie night), they were determined not to wait another night.
Of course, they were both exhausted and fell asleep before the first movie was over. Kensi woke up around three in the morning to find her cheek pillowed on her sleeping partner's shoulder and her arm flung across his chest as they lay together on his couch. The DVD had long since ended and shut itself off, leaving the living room quiet and dark save for the light from the street shining through the curtains.
So much for movie night. Not that Kensi was complaining. Waking up next to her partner had definitely been on her list of things to do again. Though, fully clothed and on his couch were not exactly part of the plan.
She shifted and tried to stretch her legs, but stopped as she noted an extra weight around them. She lifted her head off Deeks's chest and glanced down, smiling as she recognized Monty's form. He must have joined them on the couch after they'd fallen asleep. The dog lifted his head at her movement and thumped his tail against the couch.
"Hey, boy," she whispered. "Having a good sleep?" She reached her hand down to pat his head. She paused, as if to allow him a chance to respond. "That's good. I'm having a good sleep, too. I like sleeping over with you two boys. Do you think I should stay?" Monty continued to wag his tail, so she took that as a sign that he liked having her sleep over, too. "Okay, you convinced me, I'll stay." She gave him one last pat before laying her head back down on Deeks's shoulder and curving her arm over chest.
Deeks's sleepily closed his arm around her. "Monty's a good wing-man...or is it wing-dog? Wing-dog-man?"
She snorted. "Go back to sleep."
"Mm-kay."
The next morning they faced each other across the table eating cereal for breakfast. It was an unseasonably cool morning and Deeks had leant Kensi a sweatshirt. They'd woken up together like it was no big deal close to an hour earlier and had taken Monty for a morning stroll together before pausing for breakfast, Kensi in no clear hurry to go home.
"I feel like we're doing this wrong," Kensi commented.
Deeks looked down at his cereal and then back to his partner. "If you're talking about my selection of cereal; you're the reason I have fruit loops in my cupboard."
She rolled her eyes. "Not the cereal. Us." She used her spoon to motion between them. "We're supposed to be taking time to work towards us, but instead we're..."
"Spending the night together without actually spending the night together?" He supplied.
"Exactly."
He narrowed his eyes. "Are you not okay with last night?"
"No."
"No?"
"I mean not no."
"Not no."
"Yes."
"Yes to the not no or yes to the not okay?"
Kensi started to laugh. "I don't know how to answer the question!" She exclaimed.
"Good; cause I'm not even sure I know what the question was anymore."
She waved her hand. "We are really bad at this."
"Communication? Yeah, we are."
"Okay, starting from the beginning worked last time." She took a breath. "I'm not not okay with last night," she began, and then off his look she rolled her eyes and started over. "I'm okay with last night. More than okay. We didn't plan it, but I woke up at one point and I could have left, but I chose to stay."
"I'm glad you did. For the record, I'm okay with last night, too."
"Good." She smiled at him. "Only, is it something we should be doing?"
He shrugged. "I don't know." Then he laughed. "We're like the opposite of friends with benefits."
Kensi's response was to throw a fruit loop at him.
Deeks kept laughing. "Seriously, Kens, think about it. You spent the night. We're eating breakfast. You're wearing my shirt. And nothing happened. I present: more than friend's without benefits."
She cracked a smile, despite her best efforts not to. "Hilarious," she said dryly. "But is it okay to have a more than friend's without benefits stage when we're trying to work towards a permanent more than friends with benefits thing?"
Deeks sobered quickly. "I don't know, Kens. But for the sake of the more than friends with benefits thing, I sure as hell hope so."
X
Partners...
When a ten year old girl Sam once protected is discovered to be missing, they're already tense before Deeks gets them both out of a trailer just moments before said trailer explodes. Kensi hits the ground and feels the protective weight of her partner come down on top of her, shielding her from the heat.
When it's over and they're still breathing he brushes some debris off her head and asks if she's okay.
"Yeah, you?"
"I think so." He exhales and rolls off of her. "That was close."
Kensi scrabbles to stand and offers Deeks a hand, dragging him onto his feet beside her. "Are you sure you're okay? Turn around," she demands without giving him an opportunity to answer her question.
"Why? You want to check me out?" He asks, clearly trying to keep the mood playful in light of their most recent near death experience, but acquiesces to her request and turns.
She runs her hands over his back, brushing off the debris. The material of his sweatshirt is warm from the explosion, but there's no evidence he was burned anywhere. She removes her hands and he turns back around to face her. She takes the opportunity to punch him in the shoulder.
"Owe! What was that for?"
"How many times have I told you to stop doing that?"
"What? Almost getting blown up? Pretty sure that's in the job description under 'LAPD Liaison.' Although you probably can't look it up, because I'm pretty sure the job doesn't actually exist and Hetty actually made it up-"
She glares at him. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. You need to stop putting yourself in harm's way for me."
Instead of backing down or apologizing, he glares right back at her. "I'm your partner. That is in the job description."
"You don't get to sacrifice yourself for me."
"Yes, I do," he counters, with more conviction than she had ever seen. He steps forward so they are closer, as if preparing to go toe to toe with her if he has to. "I would in a heartbeat, Kens, and one day it might happen. And that's something we need to be able to talk about, because I need to know that if that happens you'll be okay."
She tries to interrupt, but he raises a hand to stop her. "And you don't get to argue with me, because we both know you'd do it for me in a heartbeat, too."
He'd stolen the words right out of her mouth. Any residual anger drains out of her. She's not used to him standing up to her, but she has no argument. Because he's absolutely right.
"In the job description, right?" She attempts to joke. It falls flat, but he smiles appreciatively at the effort.
"It's instinct," he adds, his voice much softer now. "It's not a conscious choice."
She sighed. "I know." And she does know. It's not fair to expect him to be okay with her risking her life for his and not the other way around. But she can't lose another person she cares about, especially not him, and she's not used to being so important to anyone else.
"And it's something we need to be able to talk about."
She swallows hard. That was not a talk she wanted to have, but was a talk he had clearly been thinking about for a while. "Okay," she relents. "But...not now?"
"Definitely not now," he agrees, pulling out his phone and calling into OPS.
It was their first big brush with death since their talk and she found herself wondering if hugging her partner was appropriate considering the circumstances. He was right there and her fingers itched to reach out to him, to touch him. The reminder that she could lose him left a cracking feeling in her chest. And for a moment, she wanted to forget where they were and let him hold her. Unfortunately, the explosion had drawn the attention of a growing crowd of people, reminding her she didn't have the luxury of a moment.
"Hey, Eric," her partner was saying into the phone. Pause. "Yeah, we found the trailer. Definitely the right place." Pause. "How do we know? There was a bomb." Pause. Deeks laughed. "What do I mean 'there was a bomb'? I mean there was a trailer and a bomb, and now there's no more trailer. And I guess, technically, no more bomb." Pause. "We're fine. We got out in time." Pause. "We're fine, Eric. I promise. We're-" Deeks rolled his eyes and pulled the phone away from himself and offered it to Kensi. "Tell Eric we're okay; you know how he worries."
She smiled and took the phone. "Eric?"
"Kensi? Are you okay?" Eric's extremely concerned tone filtered through the phone.
"I'm fine, Eric."
"Are you sure?"
Kensi almost laughed. Yes, it had been close, but compared to several other situations in the past year alone, this was pretty minor. Eric's reaction, however, was not so minor. "I promise. Deeks got us out before the bomb went off. I may be a little sore in the morning from hitting the ground, but compared to the alternative, I'll take it," she said, trying to channel her partner in an attempt to lighten the mood. Unfortunately, her attempt backfired.
"That doesn't sound like you're not hurt! Don't worry. I have fire and ambulance on their way. Ambulance in less than five minutes out."
Kensi exchanged a look with her partner, who couldn't hear Eric's words, but could still hear his tone. She held up her free hand and shrugged her shoulders, silently asking if he understood Eric's reaction.
Deeks shook his head.
"Eric, really, you can calm down. I'm fine. Deeks is fine. We're both fine."
"You were just checking out a lead. We didn't know this would happen."
"We rarely know when stuff like this is going to happen. But we react and respond as needed."
"I gave you the address."
She sighed as some of the pieces fell into place. "Eric, no, don't go there. This was not your fault. You were doing your job. And if we'd been caught in the blast, that would not have been your fault." She exchanged a look with Deeks, who reached forward to squeeze her hand, and then left her on the phone and went to corral the growing crowd of people.
"I know you can take care of yourself," Eric told her. "I monitor every mission; I know that as well as anyone. But after Afghanistan..."
Kensi felt her breath catch at the reminder. There wasn't a single day that had gone by that she hadn't at some point been reminded of her brief captivity by the Taliban, but she hadn't realized her co-workers may also still be reminded.
"I'm sorry," Eric said quickly. "I shouldn't have said anything."
"No, it's okay," she assured. "I'm good, Eric. You guys found me and got me out. For that I'm grateful every day." Her eyes tracked her partner as he expertly corralled the crowd and waved in the approaching fire truck. "I'm choosing to move forward and not dwell, so it's okay for you to do that too, okay? None of what happened then or now is your fault."
"I'll try."
She smiled. "Good. Now, tell everyone we're okay. Can you have Callen and Sam meet us here?"
"They're on route. Ten minutes out. Nell called them."
"Good. Fire's here, so I need to go. You going to be okay?"
He made a huffing noise and then replied, "Of course," a little too loudly.
"Nell's glaring at you, isn't she?"
"No," he sputtered before terminating the call.
Kensi was laughing as she jogged up to her partner and returned his phone.
"How's Eric?"
"I think he's okay. I didn't realize he was..." She trailed off, not sure how to work her reply.
He cocked his head.
Kensi glanced around. The fire crew was getting to work without needing any assistance from them and the crowd was focused on the fire crew. "He was still upset about what happened in Afghanistan. To me." She looked down and ran her hand over her hair before looking back up. "I think it made him overreact a little to this. I didn't realize he was still upset. I mean; I'm fine."
"That doesn't mean it didn't happen. We all almost lost you. Eric's not the only one who's going to remember that for a while." He didn't have to say anymore for her to hear the rest of what he wanted to say.
She nodded, telling him she understood. "I'm here," she told him out loud. "I'm here, right where I want to be. And right where I plan to stay."
X
Should we really be talking about this now...
Emotions are running higher later that same day, when fresh from their most recent near death experience with the IED in the trailer, the amount of danger the missing little girl's been put in because of her mother's career choice becomes more and more obvious. This, naturally, led to the 'is it worth having kids?' considering our own chosen career conversation.
They said things like "Do you want kids of your own someday?" and "I thought that I did" and "I didn't for a long time until now." And even though they used pronouns of "I" and "you" they both knew they were talking about the same kids.
"When I was undercover, I was fearless," Deeks admits to her. And no, they probably shouldn't be having this conversation now, but they almost died an hour ago, so there's no time like the present. "Do you know why that was?"
"Because you didn't have to worry about anybody?" She doesn't exactly have to ask, but still poses it like a question.
"Yeah, because I was on my own. No one has any control over you when you're on your own." He says it sadly, but she's not sure if he's sad of his life then or his life now.
"That's true," she agrees, because it is true, so how can she disagree? But just because it's true, doesn't make it right. "But then again, you don't have anybody looking after you, either. No one's got your back." She'd lived her life thinking it was easier on her own once (and for a long time); it was him who had taught her otherwise. She'd do the same for him if she needed.
X
We may stumble, but we're in this and we're learning how do this together...
By that evening, Kensi couldn't keep herself away from her partner if she tried. And she was in no mood to try.
She parked her car and hurried up the steps to his apartment. She was about twenty feet from his front door when it opened and he stepped out, having changed from what she'd seen him in last when leaving work. He pulled the door closed behind him and turned towards her, only to stop dead as their eyes met.
The way all of the tension in his shoulders ebbed away at the sight of her told her without question that he had been on his way to her.
"Fancy meeting you here," he quipped.
She held up her hand, displaying a large bag of takeout. "Thought I'd bring my partner dinner. Thank him for saving my life today."
"Yummy yummy heart attack?"
"Of course."
"Well, then come on in." He turned back to unlock his front door. Monty was ecstatic at his return so quickly after he had left, and danced around both of them before they settled on the couch.
"Hell of a day," Deeks commented.
Kensi nodded. "I don't even know where to start."
"We don't have to talk tonight, Kens," he offered.
"But we should."
"We're exhausted. We can spend some time together, share some awesome takeout, which, by the way, was exactly what I was on my way to pick up and take to you, and talk tomorrow."
She was tempted, she was. But it would be so easy to put it off. And tomorrow it would be so easy to put it off. And with their jobs and their lives it was so easy to lose so much time. And she knew better than anyone how complicated that could make things.
If they were just partners who needed to talk, they could wait. And if they were just friends who needed to talk, they could wait. But they were so much more. And they were working towards something incredible. Every day they put something off was another day away from getting to that finish line. And she so desperately wanted to reach that finish line, especially after a day like today.
"I think it's important we talk now," she admitted. "Because what happens if a case comes up tomorrow? Or what happens if I get sent away again for months without warning?"
That made him pause and put down his takeout container. "Is that something that could actually happen? Would Hetty do that to you again?"
She sighed. "I don't know. I hope not. But it's not like I had any choice the first time." She met his eyes. "I don't want to put anything off if I can help it."
"Okay. Should we start from the beginning again? That seemed to help the last couple times?"
Kensi felt her heart warm at his earnest expression. He really was trying so hard, and really he was just as lost as she was, but he was learning, just like she was. They were learning together. "That's a good idea."
"You were mad at me for protecting you during the explosion," he stated lightly.
She nodded. "But you stood up to me. You've never done that before. Not like that."
He shook his head. "No, I never did." He paused and cocked his head, meeting her eyes evenly. "But I meant every word."
"I know you did. And you were right. About all of it. I know it's instinct to protect me above yourself. Just like it is for me. But just because I know that, doesn't mean I'm always okay with that."
"We can't go into this in the hopes that nothing bad ever happens, Kens. We're partners, and we need to be able to keep being partners when things get bad, no matter what our personal relationship is."
"I know." She paused and shuffled closer to him on the couch.
"And I need to know that you'll be okay if-"
"Please don't say it."
"Kens..."
She sniffed. "I can't lose you, Deeks. And I can't lose you knowing it was to save me."
"How could I live knowing I'd lost you and could have saved you?"
"Not with your own life."
"You would do the same thing," he said gently.
She turned to face him, ignoring the tears threatening to spill over her lower lids. "If we go out in the field, we go out together."
He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her. "God, this is a morbid conversation, but I so agree."
Despite her tears, she laughed. "Do you think Callen and Sam have talks like this?"
"I hope so. Otherwise, they're missing out on some seriously intense partner bonding opportunities."
She snaked her hands around his middle and allowed herself to rest against his chest. "I'm sorry I scared you."
"Hmm?"
"After Afghanistan, I was so focused on me... You said 'we all almost lost you.' You should have said something sooner."
"It wasn't my trauma. I needed to be there for my partner."
"And you were. You have been. But I can be there for you, too." She leaned back in his arms so she could meet his gaze. His eyes were dark and troubled. "Tell me."
"You saw the picture," he whispered.
She nodded. She'd seen a copy. And though the picture she'd been forced to pose for to make it look like her throat had been cut had given her chills, it was fake. "It wasn't real."
"It wasn't," Deeks agreed, running his fingertips across the skin of her neck softly. "But we didn't know that. Callen and Sam found that picture on a computer in the cave they tracked you to. And they sent it to OPS. Nell said they had it up on the big screen. Eric must have stared at it for an hour or more."
Kensi felt tears streaming down her cheeks now, but she was entranced by Deeks's story now. "And you?"
"I was at the cleric's house still, with Makar, the translator," he whispered. "Hetty called. I begged her for good news. But she told me about the picture," his voice became raspy, but he pushed on. "They sent it to my phone. And Kens, it looked so real."
"Deeks..." She breathed.
"And I just..." he trailed off and shook his head. "I snapped. I was prepared to do things. Things I abhor. And I didn't care. I didn't care if it worked. I didn't care if I got the cleric to talk. I didn't care about anything because you were dead."
She wanted to hold him and kiss him and tell him it was okay, but he needed her to be stronger than that. He needed someone to share his burden with. "What did you do, Deeks?" She asked quietly.
"We had him tied to a chair, hands behind his back. I put a towel over his face and tried to water board him." He said the whole thing with a very matter-of-fact tone.
Kensi swallowed hard at the revelation. "Tried?"
"I poured the bucket for a few seconds, but I couldn't do it. I dropped the bucket, removed the towel and then begged Makar to apologize and promise I wouldn't do it again," he said with the same tone as before, but sounding even more defeated.
"So, your big, dark secret is that you couldn't go through with torturing another human being, no matter how evil they were?"
He said nothing, but looked down.
She reached up to cup his face in her hands. "Deeks, look at me." He cautiously met he eyes. "You listen very closely to what I'm about to tell you. And I'm telling you this as your partner, your best friend, and your more than friend without benefits who would like very much to be your more than friend with benefits one day soon." She paused to offer him a smile. "You are a good man. A damn good man. You flew across the world into a situation you didn't have all the information to understand nor the training to really be cleared to be a part of, to save me. And you had been awake for days, desperate to get some information out of the cleric. And you were isolated from the team. And Hetty sent you that picture. And you reacted badly. You're human, Deeks. You are allowed to react badly. The fact that you stopped, makes you a good man. The fact that you've been holding onto the guilt, makes you a good man. But the act alone, in that situation, doesn't negate who you are."
"I thought you were there because of me," he whispered.
"That's because we didn't have all the information. Hetty let you think that, and that's on her, not on us. She was going to send me there regardless of us."
"I was so desperate to get you out."
"You did," she assured, but he just wasn't hearing her. His mind was still lost back in Afghanistan, back in that house, staring at her picture.
"That picture. It was so real. I really thought it was you. I thought I'd lost you and it was my fault."
"Hey." She taped his cheeks with her hands to get his attention. She needed his mind here, with her. She'd already lost one man to that country. "None of that was your fault. And I'm so sorry you blamed yourself at the time, Deeks. So sorry. But you can let that go now. It's over. It's over because even though it wasn't your fault at all, you still saved me. And you saved Callen and Sam. And Granger. You kept the team whole. You saved us all."
He ran his fingertips along her neck again. "It wasn't real. You're okay."
"I am."
"The cleric..."
She shook her head. "You're human, Deeks. And you stopped. Because you are a good man."
His expression finally broke and she guided him towards herself with her hands still pressed to both sides of his jaw. He pressed his forehead to her jaw line and wrapped his arms around her torso. She closed her arms around him and hugged him tight.
"You need to forgive yourself, Deeks. You stopped."
"I stopped," he murmured back to her.
"You stopped," she echoed. She'd say it as many times as he needed to hear it.
"Thank you," he whispered.
"You're my partner," she whispered back. "I know the real you, Deeks. And if you ever need reminding of who you are, you just come to me."
He said nothing, but tightened his arms around her.
Kensi continued to hold him tight, occasionally running her hand up and down his back, offering him comfort. At first his admittance had surprised her, but really, it shouldn't have. Her partner was usually easy going and unflappable; except when it came to the very short list of people he truly cared about. And she knew she was at the top of that list. She could just imagine him in that situation; exhausted and sleep deprived, stressed out of his mind, isolated from the team, blaming himself, terrified for her. And for Hetty to send him the picture, knowing he already blamed himself... Of course he would do something extreme.
The fact that he hadn't been able to go through with it didn't surprise her in the least, however. Because he was a damn good man, regardless of the situation.
He shifted against her, but made no move to pull away. She wasn't about to make the first move to release him. He'd talked earlier about it being easier when there was no one to worry about.
That thought made her pause. Because she may be closer to Deeks than she'd been to anyone in a very long time, but she'd had people in her life to worry about before him. She'd had her team; Callen and Sam and Dom. Eric and Hetty and Nate. She hadn't been as open with her team as she was now, but there'd been a relationship with each member.
Deeks was very social. He had lots of friends from LAPD and surfing and the bars he frequented. But no one close. No one he could rely on or whom he truly let in. No one before joining NCIS as their liaison. Maybe this was actually newer to him than it was to her. He had jumped in with her, tried to be the fearless adventurer he always was, but he got burned. And now he was still determined to make it work, but apprehensive about the potential for pain now that he'd felt it.
Kensi sighed and hugged him tighter, wanting suddenly and desperately to take away all of his pain. Because she'd figured out where her Deeks had learned to be afraid.
"You said no one has control over you when you're on your own," she murmured into his hair. She hadn't understood what he was trying to tell her earlier. But she understood now.
"Yeah. It scared me; how far I'd go for you," he admitted. His breath tickled her neck when he made no move to remove himself from her embrace.
"But you found your limit."
"Yeah, I guess I did." He sounded freer than before, like he was starting to believe in himself again.
"It's scary when someone has control over you," she whispered.
"Yeah," he whispered back, before lifting his head and meeting her eyes, "But it's better if someone's looking after you," he echoed her earlier words, "Better when someone has your back."
X
This is going to be harder than we thought...
They take a break from talking to finish eating. The yummy yummy heart attack has long since cooled and needs to be reheated. Deeks does the honours while Kensi digs two bottles of water out of the fridge for them and a treat out of the cupboard for Monty.
They sit on the couch, shoulder to shoulder and hip to hip watching an old episode of Top Model that she's recorded on his DVR. They're halfway through the episode when Deeks chuckles.
"I remember the first time we watched this show together."
"I remember you showing up uninvited."
"Like you did tonight?" He quips.
Kensi makes a face, having no comeback.
Deeks smirks. "Just for the record; that would have been an opportunity for you to say 'touché.'"
She rolls her eyes. "I remember I had to open your beer for you."
"I was injured."
She gives him a playful nudge. He nudges her back.
"I still don't get why every woman loves this show," he comments, "But I missed these nights while you were gone."
"I missed you a lot," she admitted, dropping all pretense. "Before it all went to hell, I mean." After the trauma that was her captivity, it was easy to overlook the months she'd spent isolated from her partner and team.
"I missed you, too."
"I know. And I missed the Top Model and the movie nights and the best friend stuff. And I was angry I was sent away right when we finally took a step forward in the more than friends category. But I missed my partner, too. Hetty had me running around like a moron chasing a leak that didn't exist, but I didn't know that. I had this chart and all these theories and no one to talk to about them. And I really wanted my partner with me then."
"I wanted to be there." He made a face. "I actually asked Granger if I could go help you."
Kensi laughed. "You did? What did he say?"
"Let's just say he said no in a not very nice way. Something about me and Afghanistan sounding like a National Lampoons vacation movie..."
She laughed harder. "Oh, man, I wish you'd recorded that."
He bumped her shoulder. "I was getting desperate. You'd been gone for four months."
She quieted. "I used to imagine what would happen when the mission was over, you know? Coming home?"
"Oh, I know. Trust me, I know. I did, too."
"Then I remember it was never going to happen the way either of us imagined, because the whole thing was fake. And I wonder how long was she going to leave me out there, alone, chasing a fake ghost and hunting a fake leak? Did she have an end game in mind?"
Deeks was taken aback by her question. "I've never thought of it that way. I mean she clearly never meant for what happened to happen, but I don't know what the plan was. And until we were there and found out about Jack, I thought the whole reason you were there was because of me."
"I think she let us believe that to keep us from second guessing the rest of it."
Deeks hesitated before asking, "Do you think about him?"
She didn't have to ask who he was asking about. "Sometimes," she admitted. "I wonder if he's okay. I hope he's okay. If one good thing came from that whole experience, it gave me closure. And I know that sounds cliché, I do. But it's the truth. I'd long since moved past him, but I would always have wondered what happened to him. And now I know." She offered Deeks a smile. "I'm working towards being happy. So, I want him to be happy, too. And being happy does not involve being hunted by the CIA simply because he knows their faces. That's not fair. He finally found peace, so he deserves to be left to it."
Deeks nodded. "I hope he's okay, too. And I'm glad you got the answers you deserve."
"You know, it's almost funny, because there were so many years after he left that I would have done anything to get him back. Even after I had given up hope of ever seeing him again, I still would have taken him back in a moment if he'd appeared on my doorstep. And there I was in a fucking cave in the middle of nowhere with the man I had spent so much time waiting for. And he had given me all the answers I had waited so long for. But do you know what I wanted more than answers?"
"What?"
"You," she whispered, meeting gaze evenly. "I wanted you, Deeks."
His eyes pinched as his cocked his head in response to her quiet honesty. "Kens."
"Some of it's a blur, but I can clearly remember one point where they had left us alone in the cave. And it was freezing. We were huddled together, trying to stay warm. They'd roughed me up a bit already, so most everything already hurt. And Jack had given me all the answers he had. And he'd apologized for hurting me. And I started shivering. And he put his arm around me. And I just wanted so badly for it to be you there with me."
Deeks's arms were around her in an instant, hugging her from the side. He wasn't able to go back in time and be there for her then, but he could be there for her now. "I've got you, Kens."
She leaned into his chest and sighed. "I know. And doesn't this just feel right?"
He rested his chin on her shoulder and pressed his face into the side of her neck. "It feels exactly right."
She shivered at the feeling of his scruff rubbing against her skin. "Deeks..." She whispered. She turned her face towards him, pressing her cheek against his mouth. She could feel his hot breaths blowing by her lips.
"Kensi," he murmured. She could feel his chest shuddering against her as his breathing increased. His lips were so damn close to hers. He just had to shift that little bit. He moved against her, a little closer, but not close enough. She felt herself tremble in his arms. "We're not supposed...to be doing...this." He whispered. She could practically taste his words.
"Do you care?"
"I..." He trailed off. "Shouldn't I? Shouldn't we?"
"Deeks..." She practically begged.
He kissed her then, not able to leave her wanting. Not when what she wanted was something he wanted just as badly. He twisted and pressed against her, capturing her lips with his. The kiss was good, but the angle was bad, sending them both sprawling onto the couch towards her. Kensi landed on her back and Deeks was barely able to get a hand out to stop all of his weight from coming down on top of her.
The bewildered look on his face only made the entire situation comical, and Kensi couldn't help but laugh out loud before grasping the collar of his shirt and tugging his lips back down to hers. He was eager to please and didn't hesitate to close the distance between them. His kissed her thoroughly until oxygen became an issue for the both of them. He broke away and trailed a series of kisses down her jaw line to her neck. He shifted his weight over her so one knee was between her legs and when she shifted against him she nearly saw stars.
Her hands moved to the hem of his shirt on their own volition. He allowed her to pull the shirt up and over his head, but he stopped after that, hovering over her, weight on his knees and hands. "Kens," he said, breathing hard. "Maybe we should... Should we stop?"
"Stop?" She echoed.
"We're supposed to be waiting. This wasn't...this wasn't part of the plan."
She ran her hands along his bare sides, looking for traction, wanting to pull him down to her. Wanting him touching her everywhere. Wanting his weight against her, pressing her down. "Deeks. Please."
He shifted his weight to one arm and used his free hand to comb through the hair along the side of her face. "I'm not saying no. I'm saying we need to be sure. There was a reason we were waiting."
She closed her eyes as she tried to remember their reasons in this moment. And it was really difficult to think about anything when Deeks was half naked and on top of her. She took a deep breath. Oh right, they both needed to figure some things out so they could work together towards their things. But they'd figured out a lot so far, so they deserved a reward, right?
She opened her eyes. God, she'd forgotten how blue his eyes were. And how intense his gaze. Why wasn't he touching her?
"I can't remember all our reasons right now, my brain's losing the battle over the blood supply," he admitted, "But I know enough to know we're not in a place that we're ready for our thing."
"Would one night be so bad?" It's not like there hadn't already been one night. And a few stolen kisses. And a number of semi-platonic hugs and snuggles on various couches. "We did almost die today; I don't want to regret not...spending this time with you when we have the chance." And she almost died in Afghanistan, she told herself. And all she'd wanted was him. And he'd shared a huge burden with her today. And they'd really talked; that was a huge step for them. They deserved this.
"As long as we don't regret anything," he agreed.
"No regrets," she assured, taking advantage of his position to half-sit up and pull her top off, leaving herself in only her bra. "Just one night."
He closed the distance between them as she lay back down, returning his lips to the trail they had been making down her neck. "Good," he murmured. "I'll do anything to not have any regrets, Kens. Not with you. We have one chance to get this right," he murmured against her. "I'll do anything. It's all I want."
One chance to get this right.
Tears sprang to her eyes and she reached around him to place a hand on the middle of his back, between his shoulder blades. "Deeks," she whispered.
"Kens," he murmured back.
It broke her heart, but she had to stop him.
"Deeks, stop," she breathed. He did.
His head popped up from its path down her chest. "Kensi?" he quickly noted her tears. "Hey, what is it?"
She shook her head. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"We have once chance to get this right."
He stared at her for a long moment, and she got the distinct impression he was reading her thoughts. And then he sighed in understanding and shook his head. "And one night wouldn't be okay."
"One night would be fine," she whispered. "One night isn't the problem. I don't know about you, but there's no way in hell if we spent tonight together-"
"That we could leave it at one night," he finished for her.
She nodded.
He released a heavy sighed and shifted so he was between her and the back of the couch, his weight no longer pressing down on her. She immediately missed the contact. "I'm sorry."
"No, hey, this is not your fault. Not at all. You're right. This is just...more complicated than I guess either one of us thought."
She sat up and he followed her. He picked up both their shirts and passed her hers.
"It feels like we're doing this without a plan, but I do think we're doing the right thing," she told him. "It feels like we're doing the right thing." She paused to pull her shirt back over her head. "I mean, it sucks, not being able to...do what we both clearly want to do..." She met his eyes and smiled when he offered her a soft smile, "But I think we're doing the right thing."
"I think so, too," he told her. "Even if it sucks right now."
Kensi sighed. "This is going to be harder than we thought, isn't it?"
He ran his hand through his hair. "I wish it was easier."
She leaned her head against his shoulder. "Me too."
"I'm sorry we haven't accomplished more."
Kensi almost found herself agreeing, but then shook her head. "We can't rush it, Deeks. We've made a lot of progress. Think about how much we've talked about."
"And we're learning how to talk."
She smiled and nudged him. "We're communicating."
"Well, I am known for my awesome communication skills."