I'D SELL MY SOUL, BUT I'M NOT SURE I CAN FIND IT

Chapter 2

So I decide I'm gonna have dinner with Renfro, Dersh and the other guy who's named Shota. Renfro's from Coruscant but in another part, so he wouldn't be at my school. In fact, he tells us he got kicked out of day school.

"They wanted to send me to this remedial school, but my grandpa was Force sensitive and he told my parents to get in touch with Luke Skywalker. I guess I registered high enough on Force talent so that they shipped me off six months ago."

"You've been here six months? You mean all the time?"

"You got it." Renfro said. "Gets me outta the house, anyway."

"So where's your grandpa?" I ask. I don't have grandparents, so I'm kinda like, what's it like.

"Dead now."

"Did he train?"

"Nope. Never. He was a Force sensitive, but when Skywalker came to visit, he was already real sick."

"That's MASTER Skywalker," Dersh says, but he's like being so sarcastic.

"Gimme a break. Master of boredom, if you ask me," Renfro snarls. "I hate this shit."

"So how do you do it?"

"Do what?" Shota asks me.

"Ignore him, he's a total moron," Renfro tells me. "Get through this crap? I've got my secrets."

"So are you gonna tell me or not?" I ask him.

"Hmm, whaddya think, guys?" Dersh says.

"Hmm. I'm not sure." Renfro seems to be like the leader.

"Think what?" I'm getting annoyed.

"I can help you," Renfro says.

"You don't understand," I tell him, and he doesn't.

"Don't understand what?" Renfro's not so friendly anymore.

"Master Skywalker's my uncle." Now that's a problem nobody can solve.

"You serious?" The guys seem a little more impressed now.

"My mom's his sister."

"So your mom's a Jedi?" Shota asks.

"Nah, well, she is, she's not into it."

"So why'd she make you go?" Dersh asks.

"'Cause my uncle's a real asshole."

"Hmm. Guess you're not his favorite nephew," Renfro says, amused.

"Not even close."

"And the hot girl, that's your sister?" Shota wants to know.

"Worse. She's my twin. She was born five minutes before me, and she thinks that makes her superior."

"You set me up with her?" Shota asks.

"Please. She's all gaga over Jag Fel."

"Yeah, well, he's going into the Navy when he finishes," Renfro. "Guess she's gonna have to find someone else to do her."

"Shut up." I've heard enough. I pick up my tray and don't say goodbye to any of them.

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(Jaina)

I don't know what in the nine hells is wrong with Jacen. It's really pretty cool being here. I think becoming a Jedi's great. I'm not sure I'd want to be a Jedi knight. It's good to know, and it'll help me get into the Navy where I can become a pilot.

The only thing that bums me out is that Jag's graduating end of summer and he's off to the Navy. I think I might like him more than he likes me. He's so hung up on being a pilot he doesn't think of anything else, at least not here. But I guess I gotta focus, too, if I'm gonna be the greatest pilot since my dad.

I think the training's great. I like running and fencing and all the physical stuff. My dad says most of the reason he survived was 'cause he could run faster than almost anyone. He says sometimes low tech works.

I do kinda miss my mom and dad and my brothers, but I'm having fun. The only drag's my brother Jacen. He's here and he's like being such a loser. He complains that he misses his animals, he hates everyone here.

The thing is, he could be real good at this. He really could. But he'd rather just bitch. Does he really think Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara aren't going to notice? Does he think Uncle Luke won't call our mom? (If you do something bad, it's better to call my dad. Mom will kill you, so you don't even go there.)

It's not like we don't have any fun around here. After evening discussion, we can play games, watch holovision, read, whatever you want. They've got a decent swimming pool. It's usually for learning how to deal with being drowned or someone else being drowned, but they open it up to us at night for a couple hours. Jacen doesn't go in, says he'd rather be home in the pool with Jarik.

Don't get me wrong, I like playing with Jarik, too, and sometimes I'm jealous he doesn't have to worry about things like the Force. But I'm glad to be here.

And what was that shit about eating with the posers at dinner? That's all those three guys are. Okay, yeah, they're Force sensitive, we all are here, but they're just losers. And my twin brother's turning into one if he hangs out with them. I did fencing with Renfro first day and he was ahead for a while, but he was so pissed off that it was easy to outrun him. Same with Dersh. And Shota? Who'd he bribe to come here? Force is so weak in him it doesn't count.

I think I'll see if Jag's around, maybe we can hang out, if not, I'm gonna have to talk to my twin brother about us being a team. Because we're supposed to be but he won't hold up his end.

Boys are so stupid.

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Han, Anakin, Jarik, and I are eating at Bakura Barbecue. Jarik and Han are watching the smashball game between Han's Dreadnoughts and a team that's beating the stuffing out of them, which is usual.

Anakin is very quiet. He looks upset. I'm not sure what it is, since he and Jarik spent the day in the water, their favorite hot season activity, and Anakin's friends were all around them.

"Ani, sweetie?" I try to capture his attention.

"Yeah?"

"What's wrong?"

Anakin hesitates. "I shouldn't say anything."

Han takes his attention away from the holo for a moment.

"Anakin, what's up?" He's got Han's attention now.

He looks nervous.

"It's Jacen."

Han frowns. "What about Jacen?"

"I don't think he likes it where he is."

"That's not exactly shocking, seeing as he never wanted to even go to the Temple here on Coruscant," Han said, his attention returning to the game.

"I think he might get in trouble," Anakin tells me.

"Sweetie, that's not for you to worry about. Let the adults do that. It's our job," I tell him.

"I think he should come home," Anakin persists. "Jaina likes it but he doesn't."

"He'll be home soon," I assure him. "He's such a homebody, this could be good for him."

Anakin decides against further discussion. I'm sure Jacen is feeling a lot of anxiety, but this will be good for him. Luke and Mara agree. Even Han was willing to let him attend.

Jacen's been the type of kid who only has a few close friends, versus Anakin, whom everyone he meets is his friend. It's going to be difficult for him, but I think we made the right decision. Maybe some of Jaina's enthusiasm will rub off on him. She's excited to be going, albeit for different reasons; she thinks it will help her get into the Navy. Her father and I abhor this career path for her. Maybe she'll change her mind. We're keeping silent on that. Biting one's tongue is a technique that needs to be strategically deployed in raising kids.

And then there's Jagged Fel, the boy who took her to prom. Jaina has a huge crush on him, but he's preparing to go into the Alliance Navy. I'd wonder if this was his influence but she wanted to do this long before she met Jag.

If he breaks her heart, Han will make sure he's in a world of hurt. He won't kill him - too quick and merciful. He prefers slow torture.

I confess that I worry more about Jacen than Jaina. He's so sensitive and he's on the shy side. Making friends is not easy for him. But if he's Force sensitive, he should learn to use it constructively.

Of course, I should talk. I still hesitate to let the Force fully into my life. I can't help but feel hypocritical. Sending my kids off when I don't know if I can ever face up to it.

My hesitation comes from watching Luke, at least before he met Mara. He was so serious for so long. Then again, Mara has Force sensitivity and she's very levelheaded and amusing. She's had a great balancing influence on Luke, and becoming parents has changed him for the better. Granted, I disagree with their trying to raise little Ben to be Force sensitive already, but who's to say? Han and I have done what we believe is right, but we're not about to say that our way is the only way.

Our food comes, and except for Anakin, we're eating with gusto. I was very tired after work and in need of some good barbecue, and Bakura never fails to deliver. Servers ask what meat you want and then they bring serving bowls of various sides around and hot rolls. It is a waistline killer but it's incredibly delicious. It's one of the few dishes I prefer to drink ale with; they've got an incredible selection. One of the few things that wasn't destroyed from Alderaan was a few brewmasters or at least their recipes. This place has ales and beers and liquors from all over the galaxy.

Anakin loves the hot rolls here but he's barely touching his.

"Honey, Jacen will be just fine," I tell him. "You need to eat." He's not going to be as tall as Jacen, but he's growing fast.

He remains unconvinced. In the meantime, there's food to be devoured and disastrous smashball games to be yelled at.

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(Jacen)

"Jacen, we're going to the pool," Jaina tells me. "C'mon."

"Not in the mood."

"Well, then get in one! C'mon!"

"I'm just gonna stay here and read."

"Your loss," she says, and I close the door. My roommate, Okey, comes by a little while later and asks if I want to do some fake dueling. I don't wanna. I don't wanna do anything.

What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? I feel like it's dark all around me. When I'm home I'm okay. I have my friends and Jaina isn't always busting my chops and Jarik's fun to play with. I even miss Anakin, the whiny little shit.

I really want one of my guitars. I mean, I'd only bring the acoustic one. Dad and I refurbished this really pretty Martin. It looked like crap when we got it but Dad knows lots about wood and what sounds good. It's awesome. He made the strings for it and showed me how to do it, too.

I'm gonna go find Uncle Luke or Aunt Mara. Their apartment's next to the temple grounds. Maybe they'll let me have my guitar. It won't be loud, and it'd make me feel better.

I press the talk button on the intercom after I put in their code.

Uncle Luke comes on. "Who is it?"

"It's me, Jacen."

"C'mon up."

Wow, he's actually not being an asshole to me. Well, right now, anyway.

I get up there and Uncle Luke lets me in. "Mara's just given Ben his bath and is getting him ready for bed," he says. "You seem to be pretty upset."

"Uncle Luke, can I have my dad ship me my guitar? I mean, I'd only use the acoustic one, and I like practicing."

He looks at me with That Look. "I think you need to be paying more attention to your work at the Temple. I've noticed you've been slacking ever since you got here. I know you don't want to be here, but like it or not, you're strongly Force sensitive, and you'd make a terrific Jedi Knight if you applied yourself."

Aunt Mara comes out with my little cousin. Ben's so cute. He's got bright red hair like my aunt. "Jacen! How are you?"

"I was just telling Uncle Luke I'd like to have one of my guitars," I tell her, hoping she'll see it my way.

"I know you're not happy here," Aunt Mara says gently. "But if you do the work, you'll feel much better, and three months will be gone before you know it."

"What if I don't want to be a Jedi Knight?"

They look at each other like, what the fuck?

"Sometimes, our destinies are chosen for us," Uncle Luke says.

"I don't want anyone choosing mine."

"It's not that simple," Uncle Luke says. "When I met Ben Kenobi -"

"Yeah, I know the story." I've heard it bunches of times. Don't need to hear it again. My dad says you can choose at least part of your destiny, if not all of it. So who's lying?

"So I can't get my guitar," I say to them. "I just wanna play it in the evenings after studies are done."

"I think you should put that time into making friends and learning your material." Uncle Luke isn't going to bend on this.

"I don't think it would hurt," Mara says. "How about this? You start showing more motivation and after two weeks, you can have your guitar. But not the one that blares out."

"I'd only have my dad send my Martin. That's acoustic."

Uncle Luke isn't real happy with what she says, but okay, he says, fair enough.

"Guess I better go now," I say. I'd usually stick around and play with Ben but he looks sleepy. And besides, Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara are teachers now, they're not my friends.

And Uncle Luke's a total dick about it. Fuck him.