Disclaimer: I don't own Scrubs or this song.

HAHA! I TRICKED ALL OF YOU. I didn't REALLY kill JD...lol...actually I did, but then I changed my mind! So READ!

Without You

I gasped when I saw it, clinging to Molly's arm even harder. There, smashed into the ground, was a white tulip. I let Molly go and crawled towards it, wondering if it was my imagination. Then I realized it was streaked with red blood. No, it was really there. I held it up.

Molly cleared her throat. "One second," she muttered. I heard her retch in the bushes, but I didn't move towards there; I remained kneeling in the dirt, watching a bloody petal fall from the flower in my fingertips. My vision blurred again. He really wanted us to be okay, and I went and killed him.

"Someone has to call Turk," I said in an eerily calm manner. "He's got to know."

Molly put a shaking hand on my shoulder. "It wasn't your fault," she whispered.

I loved Molly because she always knew exactly what to say. Except it was too late for words now—JD was dead. I shook my head, but didn't say anything. I didn't want to give her trouble by countering her, no matter how true my counter would be.

I looked at my hands and saw that they, too, were stained red. I let out a small cry. I felt tainted, marked by my own cruelty. How could I bear to wash away the blood I had caused to spill? How could I ever cleanse myself of the consequence of my mistake?

I shut my eyes tight and wished more than anything that JD was here with me now, so he could tell me everything was okay and then tell a joke that wasn't funny and make me laugh. All that happened, though, was another onset of tears; I buried my face in my jacket and cried. Molly sat and cried with me—and we stayed that way for a long time.

The sun was starting to rise when Molly shook me. "Elliot," she said, sounding exhausted. She'd stayed with me all night. I felt a rush of gratitude towards her, knowing it was a favor I could never repay. "We've got to go home now."

I nodded, knowing the departure was long overdue. "Thank you," I said, carefully stepping up. Everything was tight and sore. I needed to sleep.

"I'm calling Turk," Molly announced. "We need to get a ride."

I braced myself. "Tell him the truth," I told her. "Tell him what happened, he deserves to know."

Without you
The sun won't rise
The clouds stay hidden
I drown in your eyes
But not without you

"Carla…hi," Molly began. "No, actually…could I speak with Turk?" She frowned. "You what? He's alive? Oh my God…"

I froze. "JD? Are you talking about JD?" I interrupted her, sounding eccentric. I pressed my ear into the phone, but Molly ignored me, her mouth gaping open.

"No, we were with him—we thought he was dead—oh my God, he…his heart stopped, we thought…where is he?"

"WHAT'S GOING ON?" I screamed.

"JD's alive!" Molly shrieked back, a frighteningly-wide smile forming on her face. A mixture of shock and disbelief hit me first. How could that be so? I was right there. I felt his lifeless hand in mine, felt his last heartbeats. I was so certain he was dead that it could only take a miracle to bring him back.

Then I remembered why I became a doctor. For miracles.

I threw my arms around Molly and we started jumping and crying and laughing, our hands and knees still bloody, our eyes red and tired. "He's alive, he's okay, he's okay," I chanted.

Molly stopped jumping. "No," she said somewhat guiltily, "he's not out of the woods yet. Carla says his condition is critical. They rushed him into surgery, of course, but…oh, I don't know the details…but he's alive, and that's what matters right now."

"Right," I agreed, my voice faltering. I felt myself slowing down, hitting reality's hard surface again with a thunk. "That's what matters right now."

"Let's go to the hospital," I said in a rush.

"Elliot…" Molly pointed somewhat guardedly towards my blood stained outfit. "Carla's going to pick us up, and we're going to shower. JD will still be there when you're finished."

I didn't point out that "critical" meant live or die. Actually, in all truth, I realized that I was afraid to see JD; I was afraid to own up to what I'd done. A shower sounded nice. I needed to get past this. The relief was as strong and unbearable as the pain, so intense the sensation that I felt I couldn't remember to breathe, let alone face the crime I'd practically committed.


The sleepless nights
The colorless leaves
Falling from the hardened trees

I stared blankly at the glass in front of me, emptied for the third time in the past hour. For some reason I was having trouble drinking the shots. All I wanted was for my mind to buzz and numb, forget everything I had seen…the blood trickling from the kid's dead lips…but I couldn't do it. I couldn't forget.

"Perry, it's three in the morning. We already had drunken sex, like, yesterday. I'm too tired tonight. Besides, aren't you working till six?"

Damn, the harpy was up. I would have groaned, but I didn't feel like moving. Somehow I felt as though if I didn't move, time would freeze. I wouldn't really be here, thinking about…thinking about two hours ago.

"Whoa…what's wrong?"

I looked up at Jordan. She had somehow crossed the room and gotten right in my face without my noticing, and touched my cheek. It was wet. I realized, to my dismay, that I had been crying. Maybe I really was drunk already.

"I…" The words were dry on my tongue. What was I supposed to say? "Newbie's dead" just didn't sound right unless it was a threat coming from my annoyance with him. Of all the people in the world who could die, it didn't make sense that it was him. He seemed immortal, like an everlasting fountain of irritation. I never had to worry about him leaving because he'd always show up the next morning, his normal, peppy, girly self.

Besides, Jordan wouldn't understand. She had no idea…oh, God, I'm getting so sentimental. Maybe Newbie did mean a lot to me. He didn't ditch me like all the other interns did, he didn't write me off for a jerk and then ignore me, even though I was clearly asking for it. He listened to what mattered, tried his best to learn, and he was good at it. At the same time he was unbelievably naïve, an oblivious idiot.

But he was our idiot.

I realized that he was the closest thing I'd ever had to a family other that Jordan and Jack. Before Jack was born, he was the closest thing I'd had to a son. Maybe it was alcohol making me think this way, or maybe it was the rawness of grief digging deeper into my consciousness, compelling me to face facts I'd hidden from for four years now. I'd grown accustomed to Newbie. I trusted him more than anybody. And now he was…

Jordan sat down next to me, picking up the shot glass and staring into it. "Perry," she coaxed me, trying to pry out what the problem was.

Fine. I'd tell her. "JD was shot. I watched him die."

She dropped the glass and it clanged onto the carpet. I wished it had broken, but it didn't.

"You mean Newbie? That annoying kid I slept with?" she said the words offhandedly, as if he didn't matter, but I heard the pain in her voice. She cared about him too, as much as she hated to admit it.

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Oh my God…I…" she stuttered, surprising me when she came closer, wrapping her arms around me. "I'm so sorry."

Maybe she did know what he meant to me, after all.

The phone rang, interrupting us. Jack started to cry. Jordan picked up the phone and gave a shaky, "It's three in the morning, whoever the hell this is…you'd better have good reason to wake up my kid or—oh. Okay. You're sure? Holy... Thank you."

Everyone together
But us apart
Because without you
There is no us

"You got Carla's call," I said, relieved. I fidgeted. "When you ran off…we thought…"

Dr. Cox didn't respond, just stood with me and stared into JD's room. He was stable. That was the good news. He'd be in the hospital for a week or so, but he might even be able to return to work in two weeks. The bullet had barely grazed his heart, but with emergency surgery it had been fixed.

I felt my eyes tear up again. I hadn't thought I'd physically be able to cry again after last night, but here I was, acting like a baby in front of the only guy in the hospital that was capable of making a mockery out of my every move. Great going, Elliot.

"Why did this happen?"

I felt stung. "I didn't mean for it to…" I said after a moment, my voice small.

Dr. Cox shook his head. "Not that. Just why. Why Newbie," he said to himself, musing more than asking a question. I realized it wasn't supposed to be answered. He was wondering who would do this to JD. Who would pull a trigger and try to end his life.

Me, I thought. But I knew that I hadn't been the criminal. I wasn't the one with the gun. Whoever it was, we may never know. All we could do was hope that JD was safe now.

I found myself laughing softly. Dr. Cox looked over at me for the first time that night, watching me in my quiet hysteria.

"What? What in God's name is funny about this?"

I shook my head. "He's such an idiot. He'd fall for anything. I can't…" My face was mopped with tears. I sniffed loudly. "I can't believe he was so stupid." I started hiccupping. I must have been quite the sight, laughing outside of a gunshot wound victim's room with an evil doctor everyone in their right mind feared.

I braced myself for Dr. Cox's reaction. I was in trouble now.

"He is stupid," said Dr. Cox agreed, but not scathingly like he usually would. He shook his head tiredly, looking at his feet. "Scared the hell out of us, though."

I nodded. "Scared the hell out of us," I repeated numbly, looking into his room. He was sleeping; the anesthetic hadn't yet worn off. He looked so peaceful, his eyes shut and unmoving. I hadn't seen him like that in a while…not since we were together.

Because I'd put him through hell—I saw it now. I'd been so angry with him, but I was just as guilty. I'd slept with him and dropped him like a hot potato when Sean came back. We had already been even, right from the minute he dumped me, and I had just tortured him. He hadn't really been the same since, always jumpy, always pleading.

I supposed he wouldn't have to jump anymore. I love you, he'd said. Not just once. But twice.

And the very same words had been uttered from my own lips. Other people would fear that it was a spur of the moment, meaningless thing to say—after all, we thought he was going to die. But I knew it wasn't.

I loved him, even if he didn't love me back. I wouldn't risk losing him again.

I'll believe in you if you'll believe in me
We can make this work
We can make this good
Hopefully hopeful and everything more

The next day JD woke, disoriented. His eyes darted around the room in a panicked manner for a few seconds before finally locking on me. Relief flooded his expression; I couldn't help but smile, tired as I was.

"Hey," I whispered, not sure why I was keeping so quiet. Maybe because I knew that Carla, Turk, Dr. Cox, Molly, and more than half of the hospital staff were peering into the room every five seconds to "check his status." I wanted a moment alone.

"Elliot," he said back, his voice hoarse. He smiled. "How'd I get here?"

"Well," I said somewhat playfully, "I got you shot, and…" My eyes welled with tears. I wasn't sure if I was ready to joke about this yet.

JD laughed softly, cringing from pain. "Assassins," he muttered. And in that single word, the silliness still evident in his weak voice, I knew I'd been forgiven. I knew that I wouldn't have to worry. And I smiled through tears of relief.

I took his hand, trying to form words. How could I tell him how I felt?

"I…I meant what I said." JD took a deep, shuddering breath.

"So did I," I said hesitantly, but with all the truth in the world.

A few seconds passed. "I love you," we both blurted out at the same time. Then we laughed. Everything was going to be okay. JD was alive and we would get our second—er, third—fourth?—chance.

I knew we were ready this time, though. I had no fear.

"Aw, look, a lovefest. Could you wrap it up, Newbie? Other patients need the beds, though I know you just might want to stay longer because—gee golly, the mattresses just don't feel the same in the prostitution home..."

JD grinned. "Dr. Cox."

"The one and only," he said pompously, sitting down. "Now, I'm here to make you two solemnly swear to never, ever, EVER show your lesbian tendencies off in this hospital one more time…"

I smiled. Things were finally back to normal.

Without you, without you
There's no me

So there you go. Now kindly review and inspire me to actually, like, do my homework.