Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and consequently belongs to her and her various publishers. I do not own anything remotely related to Dylan Thomas' poem Sometimes the sky's too bright either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
chapter two: where tears have come to dry
Sirius gasps into the darkness as he wakes to the feeling of a considerable weight on his feet. His first crazed thought is that James transformed into Prongs just for the fun of it but then he finds that he can still move and the smell isn't right either.
"James?" croaks Sirius into the dark and squints down the bed.
"Took you ages to wake up," complains his friend in a hushed voice.
"Whazza…what in Medusa's name are you doing here? It's the middle of the night!" Sirius yawns heartily and rubs the sleep from his eyes. It's only the second night he found peaceful sleep without agonising and guilt-ridden thoughts keeping him awake.
"Oh really? Now that you mention it…it is rather dark," comes the sarcastic reply.
"Shuddup," groans Sirius and reaches through the curtains, fumbling for his wand on the bedstand. The air outside his curtained bed is noticeably cooler and Sirius shudders, sleep-befuddled as he is. He finds his wand and murmurs, "Lumos!" under his breath. Blinking a few times, he waits for his eyes to adjust.
"I couldn't sleep," says James abruptly. His hair is sticking in all directions and it is impossibly unrulier than normal.
"Why? You usually sleep like a bloody Mountain Troll in midwinter."
"It's Lily," answers James and Sirius sighs in exasperation. Why doesn't he have normal friends? "No, listen…she said yes. She'll go with me to Hogsmeade."
Sirius gapes at him. "That's in November! It's not even Hallow'een yet."
"I know. I asked her anyway and I didn't expect a yes," admits James.
Sirius snorts. "That's fucking hilarious. After years of stalking the poor girl you don't know what to do with her now that you wore her down?"
James glares at him. "So it appears. What if I mess it up?"
"Oh, you will," grins Sirius. "The question is why it couldn't wait till it's light out there?"
James huffs. "I thought you'd help me." Sirius stops grinning at the slightly desperate look in his best friend's eyes.
"What…what am I supposed to do?" asks James, looking decidedly panicky.
"Prongs, mate, you are aware that I dated exactly two girls in seven years, right? What kind of advice do you expect? I'd help you but I know as much as you do." Despite his intentions to be a good friend, it's still in the middle of the bloody night and Sirius is decidedly grumpy.
"Well, I…I thought your meetings with, er, Kennicot could count as dates." James blushes a deep crimson.
Sirius smirks. "Nah, except you expect Lily to suck you off on your first trip but I wouldn't count on that." He shakes with silent laughter at the look on James' face. Somehow he can't help feeling a little annoyed at James' ready acceptance of his…well, unusual preferences. When he told him, James only blinked and after looking at him for a whole minute or so he said that he had to take a walk. After two hours he came back and told him that he was OK with it as long as Sirius promised never to wank off to Peter or Snape. Sirius was too perplexed to hex him for that but stuffed his head into Peter's not-so-secret stash of strawberry tart. That was it. They never really talked about it again and Sirius doesn't push it. He knows it is alright; weird boy, that James Potter.
"But you've been meeting him for four weeks," says James reproachfully. As if it is Sirius' fault that he doesn't get any action. Honestly!
"So?" Sirius arches an eyebrow and is painfully aware that it will never be as perfect as Remus' expression of cynical amusement. Remus. Moony. Damn, he should never have kissed him in the first place. What had he been thinking? Kissing Remus, ridiculous really…and oh so tempting. He is truly the master of ruining things.
"That qualifies as dating in this universe," says James in a way he would explain things to a five-year-old.
"Maybe in yours, pussy boy," counters Sirius. "But it's not like that in mine. My universe and your universe will never meet. You know about straight lines, don't you?"
James snickers and Sirius kicks him, bumping his big toe painfully on the wooden board in the process. James drops onto his back and bursts into a fit of laughter.
"Could you two morons keep it down?" sounds Remus' sleepy voice from his bed.
"S-sorry, Moony," James gasps, holding his belly. Sirius is massaging his aching toe and glaring at the boy he really wants to murder right now.
"Go back to bed, Prongs, before I do something permanent to your bollocks."
James grins at him and wriggles his eyebrows before easing out of bed. The curtain falls behind him and leaves Sirius and his hurt toe alone. He hears James' bare feet tapping on the wooden floor, the sound of heavy drapery being moved and the squeaking of bedsprings when James flops into his bed. After a couple of minutes of shifting, grunting and yawning the room falls silent and Sirius falls back and pulls the blanket over himself.
His toe is pulsing dully with pain but he chooses to ignore it. Great, he is still awake and thinking. Is James right, does Kennicot expect them to be serious? Nah, he is a boy after all and Sirius was quite blunt about their little arrangement. James doesn't know what it's like with a boy. There doesn't have to be romance and butterflies, thank you very much. He sees Kennicot behind his closed eyes, his curly light brown hair, his blue eyes and rather round face and full lips. He looks like one of these Muggle angels he has seen once in a cheap replica at Lupins'. When round cheeks narrow down and lose colour, blue eyes become a deep brown and lips grow thinner, Sirius squeezes his eyes shut until the blood fibrillates and replaces any images.
It doesn't help for long and there is another dull throbbing further up his body. He doesn't remember when he gave in the first time and thought about Remus while having it off. Remus isn't exceptionally handsome and yet, sometimes Sirius can't stop staring at him, thinking of him. Everything is a little too sharp on Remus, from his bones to his facial features and pointed humour. He is thin and lanky and kissing him was…oh…Sirius sighs and moves his left hand into his pyjama trousers.
In the morning his hairbrush is gone and he is greeted by Peter's bloody comb singing, "Good morning, good morning, good morning to you. Good morning, good morning and how do you do?"
"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMES!" he yells and forgets all about the bloody mess for the moment.
"Mr Black!" Sirius turns slowly around and bestows a radiant smile on his Transfiguration teacher.
"Yes, professor?"
"In my office, if you please." McGonagall turns abruptly and her long emerald green robes swirl around her ankles. Sirius throws a look at James, who winks at him, and follows his Head of House. When they arrive in McGonagall's office, Sirius walks straight to his favourite chair, sprawling on it.
"Why am I here and James isn't?" asks Sirius nonchalantly.
"Mr Potter is Head Boy and I presume – or rather hope – that he has nothing to do with this," replies McGonagall shortly and sits down behind her desk, eying Sirius warily over the brim of her glasses.
"With what?"
"Hallow'een, Black." McGonagall is the epitome of disapproval.
"Hallow'een?" Sirius asks innocently.
"It's an annual holiday," says his teacher dryly.
"Well, I haven't brought it upon you." So far the plan is working.
"Let's skip this part, Mr Black. I know you're planning something," says McGonagall sharply.
"Your suspicions wound me deeply."
"I can imagine. However, I'll have an eye on you. Last year's Hallow'een is not to be repeated. If I see a single pumpkin defying gravity…"
"Professor, now I'm really hurt. Do you really think we'd repeat ourselves?" Sirius sees her mouth twitching and knows he's safe.
"Do you have anything to confess? Something that has to do with pudding?" McGonagall pronounces the last word slowly as if she savours the sound of it.
Sirius looks shocked. He's really good at it if McGonagall's triumphant look is any indication. "How…how…"
"Did I find out?" supplies his teacher and leans back in her chair. "The house-elves told me."
"Did they at least punish themselves? Traitorous jerks."
"Mr Black!"
"Sorry, professor. Do I get detention now?"
"No, since this prank has obviously not come to pass. Three more days, Black, I hope I made myself clear."
"Very, professor," replies Sirius and gets up. McGonagall gives him a long and meaningful look before she lets him go and Sirius hurries up to get back to Gryffindor Tower, where his friends are waiting.
"And?" is James' first question when he opens the door to their dormitory.
"She bought it," chuckles Sirius and flops onto James' bed.
"The pudding. Honestly. We charmed the pudding in first year," says James indignantly.
"We did but she blamed the Prewett brothers," offers Peter and comes over to them. Remus is nowhere to be seen.
"Where's Moony?" asks Sirius immediately.
"Oh, we forgot to check the Colouring Charm. Moony is checking on it in the library." James looks unconcerned, which is a good sign, a fantastic sign. Over the last months he was always tense when he talked to Sirius about Remus. That he shrugs it off now makes Sirius want to dance, which he won't do of course, since he is a horrible dancer. There are lines even he doesn't cross.
Potions gets more and more tedious and Sirius cannot wait to forget all about it after school. It has never been his favourite subject even though he is fairly good at it. So instead of listening to one of Slughorn's success stories he is thinking of Remus. He really shouldn't, he knows that, but now that they are reconciled he can allow himself to touch him again. A hand on his sleeve, an arm slung around his shoulder, a pat on the back…it's maddening and keeping him sane all the same. Sirius is careful not to overstep any boundaries. The ice he is walking on is still thin. Nonetheless, it's tempting and touching Remus he must. It's not his fault that he is so easily distracted by the ray of sunshine on Remus' hair in Herbology or his satisfied smile after mastering a particularly complex spell in Transfiguration and he cannot help going all maudlin over it. It tears him apart, that smile, and sometimes looking at him and remembering what once was and will never be again due to his own stupid mistake and his stupid big mouth…well, it's hard to breathe sometimes. It hurts to see these brown eyes grow wary whenever he is near and this hasn't changed, of course it hasn't. It's nothing conscious. Sirius knows that Remus doesn't shut him out deliberately, he knows that he has to work hard to regain his friend's trust. He is determined to be a better friend, the best, and that's why he has to meet Kennicot now and then, who releases the pressure when it's just too much.
Slughorn has finished his tale and they all go to work; slicing, chopping, stirring their way through the instructions. Sirius throws a short glance over to Snape, whose nose is almost on the parchment while he is scribbling something in his miniscule scrawl.
"Pssst, Padfoot," hisses James from behind his cauldron. Sirius turns to him curiously, eagerly. James checks on Lily two rows before him and Slughorn, who is talking to her, before pointing his wand at Snape's parchment. He doesn't move his lips and whatever spell he uses is non-verbal. The parchment flutters briefly and sneezes the ink in Snape's face.
"WHAT THE HELL?" screeches Snape and it's only due to years of practice that James and Sirius manage to not only keep a straight face but also to bear a mildly surprised expression. "POTTER! Professor, that was Potter," claims Snape and his eyes glint malevolently. The class is buzzing with chuckling and laughter. Slughorn rushes to Snape but cannot wholly suppress his amusement at the raging boy's deep blue face.
"Mr Potter, do you have anything to do with this…ink explosion?" asks Slughorn with a stern face. "Mr Black, do you have anything to say? No? Lupin? Pettigrew?" They all shake their heads. "Well, Mr Snape, this was apparently an unfortunate accident."
Sirius smirks inwardly. If it had been one of Slughorn's favourites he would have checked on James' wand. Snape, however, is despite his Potions talent not in the Slug Club. His lack of charm and connexions as well as his brusque manners prevented him from becoming a male Lily Evans. Good thing that James cannot read his thoughts. The comparison would have been his death.
As soon as Slughorn dismisses his class – not before burdening them with 20 inches on Felix Felicis and its side effects – the Marauders rush outside. Sirius exchanges amused looks with his friends. James got away once more and Snape is…well, blue. It has been their last lesson of the day, so they head towards Gryffindor Tower.
"Merlin, the look on his face," chuckles Peter and throws admiring looks at James. Appalling, as usual.
"Thought you were above this now, mate," smirks Sirius. James only pffs at him but his eyes are filled with mischief. Sirius feels light-headed and, without thinking, he puts an arm around Remus' bony shoulders. He nearly sighs with relief when Remus doesn't shrug him off. It's all good until they pass through the Entrance Hall and Kennicot and his Ravenclaw friends come along. Kennicot smiles briefly at him and Sirius feels Remus tensing. He knows. The thought crosses his mind before he is aware of it and leaves him strangely helpless. He tries to grin back but hardly manages the shadow of a smile. As soon as they reach the staircase Remus shrugs him off and makes his way up the stairs quickly, alone. Sirius watches him, feeling strangely empty inside and so fucking lost again until James' hand is on his arm, squeezing understandingly. A raised eyebrow asks does he know? and Sirius' twitching mouth answers no idea, yes, I suppose.
"I'll talk to him," James says aloud and claps Sirius on the back.
"About what?" asks Peter but neither of them answers.
Red and yellow leaves are swirling around him, dancing and floating in midair. Sirius' heart flutters just like them. He cannot take it anymore, he really can't. Patience has never been his strength and he has been rambling the grounds for almost two hours now, to give James enough time for his talk with Remus. Sirius skipped supper, not hungry and too agitated to eat anyway. Yes, he is bloody confused, too. Remus knows about Kennicot and doesn't approve from the looks of it. Sirius' plan to be the best friend imaginable hasn't included this particular detail. The kiss, as much as it haunts Sirius, was a mistake. Sirius knew this the second he pulled away and discovered that he revolted Remus into speechlessness. So what is Remus' problem? Can't he stand the mere thought of Sirius liking cock? The injustice of the thought takes his breath away. I'm still friends with Moony, despite his furry little problem, am I not, thinks Sirius in righteous indignation. He has never taken Remus for a hypocrite. Sirius is in the right mind to go up to Gryffindor Tower and…what? Ruin everything with his big mouth again?
Sirius kicks a stone because he cannot kick anyone else.
Slowly and stiffly he stalks back to the castle. James assured him that this time, Remus meant it, meant that they are friends still and again. Maybe it's just Remus not liking Kennicot in particular and he wants Sirius to quit seeing him. Sirius doesn't even need to think about it to know what he will do in this case. The Common Room is crowded and sudden warmth surrounds Sirius, making him aware of how truly cold he is, inside and outside. Neither Peter nor James and Remus are to be seen and so Sirius hurries up the stairs to their dormitory.
The door swings open and reveals only Peter lying on his bed and reading James' half-finished Potions essay. Peter eyes him guiltily but Sirius doesn't have time for teasing him.
"Wormtail, where are Prongs and Moony?" asks Sirius impatiently.
"Ugh, Moony went off somewhere and James took the Map and followed him. Why, what's going on, Sirius?"
"No idea," Sirius lies and storms out again. He knows Remus' favourite hiding place, since it's his own, too, and opts for the way to the Astronomy Tower. The corridors are deserted already, it's shortly before curfew. He only meets a fifth year Hufflepuff, smiling at him coyly. Sirius ignores her.
Taking two steps at once he finally reaches the top of the Astronomy Tower. Out of breath, Sirius steps outside and finds the Tower as deserted as the corridors. Cold autumnal wind blows in his face, mocking him. Rubbing his forehead he tries to think of another place Remus would go to.
"Fuck," he mutters under his breath and climbs down the stairs again. Halfway down, he decides to go to the kitchens. There is only so much excitement a teenage boy can bear without food and he is craving a good pasty. He curses himself for not having taken James' cloak when he almost gets caught by Evans patrolling the corridors. Her red hair is like a fiery circle in the light of her wand. Luckily, his stomach protests loudly only after she has gone past.
Sirius makes his way through the castle quickly but silently. He tickles the pear in the portrait and enters the kitchens only minutes later. The house-elves are still busy cleaning the dishes and they are bustling around in the huge room. It is noisy. The house-elves chat while moving around busily and there is the sound of brass pots and pans clanking together.
"Ah, Master Black, sir," squeaks a female elf happily and four of them are hurrying towards him. Sirius smiles a dashing smile and tells them what he wants. Half an hour later he leaves the kitchens, his stomach filled with two pasties and a huge piece of blueberry tart, his ears still buzzing with the happy chatter of the elves. Deep in thoughts, he almost misses the voices coming from a niche close to the statue of Lachlan the Lanky. Knowing James' voice everywhere, he sneaks closer.
"Moony, will you talk to me already!"
"I told you, there is nothing to talk about. I did not run away from anything," says Remus impatiently. James must have been at it for quite a while.
"Sure, you're always jogging through the whole castle till after curfew."
"Drop it, will you?"
Sirius sneaks as close as he dares, ignoring his pangs of conscience about listening to something he is not supposed to hear, and uses the statue to cover his presence. They don't speak very loud, so he has to strain his ears.
"No, I won't. Come on, Moony, I'm your friend," says James pleadingly.
"If you are, you'll drop it."
"I can't. You promised that you mean it this time, so either you lied to me or he did something else to incur your wrath. What the hell is it?" There is a long stubborn silence. "Moony," pleads James once more.
Remus lets out a deep sigh and whispers something Sirius doesn't catch.
"That's no reason to shun him. Do you think I didn't have problems with it? He is my best friend though and he doesn't need to know," replies James hotly. No ready acceptance then, thinks Sirius wryly. He is grateful for James being James nonetheless.
"You should know me better. It's a little more complex, Prongs," Remus snaps back. "You wouldn't understand."
"Try me," counters James. Another silence and a whisper.
"What?" Sirius cringes at James' incredulity.
"You heard me." Remus' voice is tired.
"I am going to kill him!" exclaims James and Sirius cringes once more.
"NO! No, don't. He obviously didn't mean it."
"Did he say so?"
"No, on the contrary. But action talks louder than words in this case, don't you think?" asks Remus gloomily and Sirius' heart clenches painfully.
"How…how did you find out about him and…"
"Dignity doesn't matter anymore at this stage, huh?" Remus sighs. "Sod it! The night we had our little chat I practically walked in on them."
"Why didn't he say something?" asks James and Sirius wants to slap him for asking more and more questions. This is fucking horrible and he wants to forget he ever heard them, spied on them, followed them when he should be in bed like a good Gryffindor.
Remus snorts joylessly. "What do you take me for? I'm a Marauder, I left before they found me."
Sirius has heard enough and flees. He runs as though twenty harpies are behind him and only dares to breathe when he leans against the closed door of their dormitory.
"Oh, hey Sirius. Have you found them?" asks Peter from behind half-closed curtains.
"No. No, I went to the kitchens and Filch and his damn cat were cornering me on the way back." Sirius staggers over to his bed and undoes his robes quickly, kicking his shoes of simultaneously. Cold sweat is on his forehead despite the coldness of the room. He throws his clothes on his trunk, takes off his socks and climbs into bed. His head is spinning. Why on earth did Remus tell James? Why now, after five months? And why can't he ignore what he overheard, why does he feel elated at Remus' apparent discomfort? Burying his head under his pillow he tries to clear his mind.
Sirius decided two months ago that he will never ever approach Remus like that again. All he hopes for is normality and Remus deserves that, too. It is Moony he is thinking about after all and Remus wants safety and loyalty, something of which Sirius proved incapable. His behaviour reminds him of his mother, who is dancing so close to the edge that his grandparents rarely allow her to leave the house. Walburga Black always says what she thinks, lets it slip without thinking and he acted just like her. Sirius sits up abruptly and throws his pillow at the foot of his bed. Bugger this! Bugger his insane mother, bugger his cruel and pure-blood-crazy family, bugger his friends for not knowing what it is like to grow up a Black without wanting to be one and bugger Snape for ruining everything by stalking him once too often. He fucking hates his life! He feels like crying but after months of acting like the poof he is there are no tears left. He is emotionally exhausted. Where tears have come to dry there is only emptiness and despair. There is a lump in his throat that makes it hard to breathe and he chokes on it, chokes on the blackness within.
He must have fallen asleep because James is sitting on his feet again and he hasn't noticed.
"Is thadda new hobby of yours?" yawns Sirius and blinks disorientated when James casts Lumos. James doesn't smile. Shit.
"Why the bleeding hell did you kiss Moony?" asks James in a strained voice. Sirius gapes at him and the sheer stupidity of the question. Groaning, he sits up and rubs his eyes.
"Because I'm a sodding shirt-lifter and I'm determined to make my way through the dorm. I had to start somewhere, hadn't I?" he snaps bitterly.
"Cut it out," says James but he looks not as stern as before. He crosses his legs and makes himself comfortable. "And let me rephrase the question. Why on earth did you kiss Moony and tell Snape on the same day?"
"I don't know," replies Sirius hotly. The surge of blackness is threatening to swallow him. He has asked himself the same question over and over again. Why did he do it? He is almost sure that he didn't lie to Remus. It wasn't revenge.
"You're as stubborn as a mule," sighs James and cocks his head.
"Look who's talking," scoffs Sirius and dries his sweaty palms on the blanket.
"Padfoot, I know we're supposed to be all manly about this but who else can you talk to? I'm your best mate, right?"
"Unfair," moans Sirius and buries his face in his hands.
"Yep. You don't leave me much of a choice."
Sirius peaks through his fingers and sees James smirking. But there is also this frown he had for weeks and weeks and Sirius feels guilty for bringing it back.
"Alright," says Sirius and takes a deep breath. When he starts talking his grey eyes are fixed on the curtains. "I thought he might be…you know, he never had a girlfriend, right? And I usually feel if there is something…and I…he is one of my best friends, of course I like him. And…he looked all peaky and scared of the transformation…and…and you know me, never really thinking things through, and I know that you really want to help, Prongs, but you can't help me with this."
"Don't you want to know what else he had to say?" asks James quietly.
Sirius, then, looks at him. "Actually, no. I know him well enough, I got the message right away. So what am I supposed to do? Quit liking cock or quit seeing Kennicot?" he asks grimly.
"Do you even like him?"
"Neil? He's nice enough. I told you we weren't serious. He's just…you know…"
"Pain management," supplies James. Sirius finds himself completely and utterly speechless. "I know because Moony heard you."
Yeah, but how much did Moony hear? "Oh shit," is what Sirius says aloud.
"Indeed," agrees James and pushes his glasses up his nose. "You shouldn't have kept it from him."
"I didn't expect him to care," retorts Sirius angrily. James gives him an exasperated look.
"Well, he obviously does. I don't know what exactly happened since both of you are so very articulate," James says with the hint of a smile. "So stop being such a twat. Perhaps you only took him by surprise."
"You weren't there," mutters Sirius. "It doesn't matter anymore. It was a bloody mistake…and I dare say a small one considering the big picture."
"Even so…what are you going to do now?" James looks expectantly at him and Sirius looks blankly back. "Well?" Sirius averts his eyes first. He doesn't know what to say or think or do. How can fucking James even expect a fucking answer? "Get rid of Kennicot, that's the least you can do."
"I can't be celibate for the rest of my life," grumbles Sirius rebelliously.
"You must talk to Moony," insists James. "I mean, if it's love or anything--"
"I know nothing of love," retorts Sirius sharply. "How could I? I can't remember when my mother said a nice word to me or anyone around her. And my father never leaves the bloody whorehouses, so that he doesn't have to be around her. My grandparents are only interested in preserving the bloodline and Reg hates me for being the heir. Do you think I would even recognise love when it laughed me in the face? Do you think Remus deserves something like this? Like me? You have no idea what it's like to want and not have the slightest chance of ever getting it because you're different. Don't ever tell me again who I'm supposed to date and what I owe Remus! Moony deserves a friend, not a pervert who lusts after him!" Sirius is breathing heavily when he finishes and glaring at James who looks taken aback at the sudden outburst.
"He'll get over it…and so will I…eventually," Sirius adds, resigned.
"But--"
"Go to bed, James."
James sighs but unfolds his limbs and shifts towards the curtain. One hand on the post, he looks back at Sirius. "He'll learn to trust you again."
"I don't trust myself," says Sirius in a raspy voice. The other boy gives him a sharp look before nodding slowly and waving his wand.
"Nox!"
...to be continued
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