AN: Thank you all for the wonderful reviews, favorites, and follows! This story started as a random little drabble I had to get out of my head, and I'm thrilled that others have enjoyed reading it. I am expanding it into a multi-chapter fic and now have the full story outlined. Looking forward to sharing it!
This chapter is longer than most upcoming updates will be, and gives a lot of background. It may be too long for some but I needed to layout the history of Hiccup and Astrid's relationship (at least in this world) to give a foundation for future interactions. Hiccup is also extremely overwhelmed at this point, and we begin to see just how much is going on beneath the surface.
Hope everyone enjoys!
The cool night air blew in through a vented window as soft snoring filled Hiccup's hut. Unfortunately for him, he wasn't the one getting any rest tonight.
Sitting on the ground and leaning against Toothless' side, Hiccup tried to find comfort in the steady rise and fall in time with the dragon's breath. While normally this soothing pattern and the surprising warmth would help lull him to sleep, that hadn't been the case for several weeks. Ever since Viggo left his taunting message, Hiccup's mind would not shut down. The hours he should have spent resting were instead consumed with walking through every possible scenario that could play out. Thinking about what Viggo's next steps would be, and which countermoves he would make in response…and whether or not the calculating Dragon Hunter would be expecting it. That was the most troubling part: whether he acted on impulse or devised a plan Viggo shouldn't expect, Hiccup couldn't help but think that he would still wind up springing the trap. Somehow, Viggo was in his head, and it drove Hiccup to the brink. So far he had always been a step ahead, ready for any move that was made. How do you defeat an enemy who knows what you'll do before you do?
These constant anxieties didn't only exist when Hiccup was unable to sleep. Even the rare hours he passed out from exhaustion did not offer a respite. Instead he was plagued by vivid dreams of what he worried would be imminent failure. Images of dragons being captured, sold, and savagely killed. His team trapped and tortured, because of a mistake he made. Astrid…
Oh, Gods, Astrid.
Where Astrid was concerned, he had always been afraid. The fear of rejection followed Hiccup through adolescence, not to mention being afraid of bodily harm if he unwittingly crossed her. As he grew to know her, and love not only the idea of her but for who she really was, fresh new fears came to the forefront. She had always been strong, quick, and resourceful. But as they encountered more powerful threats over the years, he worried that she would eventually be physically outmatched. That she could be taken away from him, for good. Even though Hiccup wasn't as weak as he used to be, he knew he was far from being on par with even the average Viking warrior. How could he protect her against an enemy that she couldn't overcome? What is he once again failed, and she suffered the consequences for his inadequacy?
Hiccup always carried these doubts, but was able to bury them in the moments they shared together. When she was with him, as they talked, laughed, or discreetly held one another, he didn't feel afraid. The more time they spent together the closer they grew, and he would often forget about his worries. It wasn't until their relationship crossed over from relatively innocuous to intimate that lingering fears began to take hold. At first, it was the intensity of his preoccupation for her safety. While he often fretted over the welfare of everyone he knew, there was a heightened unease regarding Astrid's well-being. Here was a woman whom he loved, and could imagine spending the rest of his life with…he could not only lose a friend and close companion, but his future.
As time went on, Hiccup began to worry about the continued secrecy surrounding their relationship. It was a largely unspoken arrangement, both individually too reserved to proclaim the details of their private lives and the other respecting that. Many around the village, including their friends and relatives, had joked and prodded for years, insisting that there was more going on between them away from watchful eyes. But despite the ribbing, no one knew what they actually were to each other. Once they were as seriously involved as a couple could be, Hiccup's gnawing insecurities wouldn't let him ignore how content Astrid still seemed with their four-year arrangement. Despite her early public advances, she was the one who was the most affected when they became the local gossip. The majority was benign, at first. Mostly about young love and flirtation; a few playful but risqué remarks when they would disappear together. But as the teens passed their sixteenth year, the whispered conversations suddenly centered on marriage, the responsibilities of a chief's wife, and the obligation to provide heirs. Perhaps it all happened too quickly for her to shift her self-image from a respected shieldmaiden to a more domestic and diplomatic role. Whatever the reason, the pressure to meet this future standard that was so out of alignment with her character was daunting. Hiccup was acutely aware of the pressure to become something you couldn't imagine yourself being; he recognized the heaviness in her eyes whenever it was mentioned. So he never pressed, even when they were alone, and was comfortable giving her time to adjust.
And time did pass. But while the physical nature of their relationship grew more bold, Astrid didn't show any sign of seeking a more committed, official future together. When she spoke of what lies ahead, it was always about training or aspirations to be validated as a true warrior. She never alluded to herself as a wife or mother, and certainly not as the wife of a chief. In contrast, Hiccup had no idea what he wanted for the future, only a rough depiction of the life he would lead. Nothing in this predetermined plan inspired him, other than the the hope that Astrid would be a part of it. He wouldn't mind going through an over-the-top ceremony, even having children, as long as she was with him.
Not that that was an option anymore.
Hiccup groaned as he leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling. The reality of what transpired that evening was still sinking in. It didn't feel real even as it was happening. Between the exhaustion, anger, and hurt, it felt like he was standing outside of himself, watching it all happen to someone else. Even now, he kept expecting Astrid to walk in, or find her sleeping on her newly claimed side of the bed. But that wouldn't happen ever again. He would have to look at her everyday and pretend that everything is fine; as if he never loved her. Not just on Dragon's Edge, but for the rest of their lives. Funny how something that became second nature over the years suddenly seemed impossible.
Overwhelmed with frustration, Hiccup firmly pressed his palms against his brow, growling at the beginnings of a headache coming on. He opened his eyes just in time to notice a large dragon claw aimed for his head. Rolling out of the way, he just missed Toothless' hind leg as he vigorously scratched at his flank. The jet-black dragon opened his heavy-lidded eyes to stare at the cause of his disturbed slumber. With a brisk huff, Toothless turned around to face the wall and curled away from Hiccup.
Pushing himself up from the floor, Hiccup glared at the dragon's sleeping form. "Thanks for the love, bud", he grumbled. Shaking his head, Hiccup trudged towards his bed but hesitated to climb in. With a heavy sigh, he finally sat down and leaned back on top of his blanket. He had been sleeping alone for several weeks, and it was beginning to feel depressing. The last time Astrid slept in his room was the night he discovered that she had hidden Heather's plan. They spent half the night arguing in harsh but hushed tones, both unwilling to back-down. It eventually ended with him leaving with Toothless, spending the rest of the night flying fast and recklessly over the ocean away from the island. When he returned before dawn, exhausted and deflated, he was surprised to find Stormfly out of her stable and Astrid asleep on his bed. Looking at her tear-stained cheeks and wind-chapped lips, he realized she had been out looking for him. When he didn't return, she fell asleep waiting. As upset as he was with her, he was also disappointed with himself for running away from confrontation…a bad habit he was still trying to shake.
The next several days were awkward, with Astrid actively trying to regain Hiccup's trust while he tried to maintain his composure. Despite his best efforts, he regularly wrestled with resentment and residual guilt. Even in the moment, he recognized he may have a been a little cold at times; maybe even passive-aggressive. He truly felt bad for leaving Astrid and Tuffnut alone at the Edge to face Ryker's ambush, especially since their pairing was partially driven by the desire to indirectly punish her. But from the moment Hiccup heard that they were under attack, the familiar fear of losing her came rushing back. After running the Dragon Hunters off of the island, he finally approached her during the clean-up effort and led her away to talk. Apologies were exchanged and while they weren't back to where they used to be, they seemed to be on the mend.
Then everything fell apart. The following week was disastrous, culminating with Heather's disappearance and the cryptic taunt left by Viggo. Overwhelmed and lost, Hiccup spent most of his free time in the clubhouse going through maps and Fishlegs' old books. He scoured the fragile pages to find any references to Maces and Talons, Dragon Hunter Island, traitors, or anything remotely tied to the Dragon Eye. In hindsight, he regretted not making himself more available when Astrid would come by to see him, asking to talk. He hadn't meant to brush her off but believed that every minute not spent working out Viggo's plan was an opportunity to miss something important. While at first she seemed to understand, Astrid's patience soon wore thin and she became more insistent that they speak in private. Sometimes she would raise her voice, and at one point he swore she almost started to cry. But she didn't understand; he had to solve this. She wasn't the one who could save Heather, the team, or even herself. That burden fell to him.
One day, she stopped checking on him. A few more days passed, and she still hadn't come by. Hiccup didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed. On the one hand, he was able to focus, which he could never do when Astrid was around. For as long as he could recall, his attention always strayed when she was in sight. But a part of him still craved time with her. She was the one person on the island he could complete confide in — and could actually talk back. Although he did have a lot to talk about, Hiccup didn't feel that ruminating on the past would help him in his mission to find Viggo before he found them. So his research continued.
Another day passed and by this point, Toothless had had enough of being grounded. And he made his displeasure known. A casual swing of his tail knocked over stacks of books and parchment into a jumbled disarray on the floor. When Hiccup turned in his chair to reprimand the beast, he was greeted with bared teeth and a low growl. Knowing that the stubborn dragon would only cause more damage if ignored, Hiccup reluctantly conceded and left the clubhouse with Toothless strutting victoriously behind him.
It was mid-day, and the sun felt especially bright after hours inside. Shielding his eyes with his hand, Hiccup scanned the island. Everything seemed to be in order. A bit of faint smoke from something recently extinguished…he would have to ask Snotlout about that. The horizon was clear with no signs of an armada in the distance. Satisfied, he climbed onto Toothless and the duo launched into the air. As they gained altitude, Hiccup looked back at the outpost. He was still close enough to see Fishlegs bathing Meatlug and the twins lounging on the sand. Hearing the distinctive roar of a Monstrous Nightmare, Toothless turned sharply to narrowly avoid being buzzed by the large dragon and his obnoxious rider. Hiccup turned his head to scowl at the self-assured pair, laughter echoing as they sped away. At least he knew where Snotlout was now. It then occurred to him then that he still hadn't seen Astrid or Stormfly. Something didn't feel right.
Hiccup raced to catch up to Hookfang, asking Snotlout when he had last seen them. Apparently the pair ran a perimeter check the day before, with Snotlout joining as likely unwanted company. Everything seemed normal, other than the fact that she barely said four words the entire flight. Concerned, Hiccup guided Toothless back to the Edge to check with the others. According to Fishlegs, she had been up early the previous morning, working on her chores. But as soon as she finished, she returned to her hut rather than going to the clubhouse for breakfast. Fishlegs hadn't seen her since.
The last time anyone saw Astrid was the night before, when Tuffnut was collecting supplies to make a yak costume - - Hiccup didn't ask. She was sharpening her axe as she sat alone on the edge of the platform in front of her hut. The mischief-maker was briskly walking past her when they heard Hiccup yell from the hut next door, demanding Tuffnut return his leg. Before making a run for the boar pit, Tuffnut reported seeing Astrid shoot up and hurry into her hut without a word.
This wasn't like her. Astrid was confrontational, not timid. She didn't run and hide when faced with an uncomfortable situation. Whatever was bothering her apparently had her really out of sorts, and Hiccup was afraid he was the cause. He had had enough and needed to clear the air with her. Marching to her hut, he knocked on the door. Then he knocked again, pushing the door ajar. He was startled to discover that the fortified door was unlocked, and even more so to find that she was nowhere in sight. Hiccup's first reaction was to panic, wondering if she had been taken as part of Viggo's plot. As he turned to run back out the door for help, he saw a quickly scrawled note pinned to the wall with one of Stormfly's spines. The runes were clearly Astrid's, and the blunt message within was true to her communication style: "Need time alone, going to Berk. Will return. - A"
"Damn it!" Hiccup hissed under his breath, grabbing the note and sprinting towards the stables. Toothless bounded after him, confused by his rider's outburst. Hiccup wasn't surprised when he reached the pens to confirm that Stormfly and her saddle were missing.
He couldn't believe it. Hiccup could imagine why she needed time away from him, but didn't understand why she didn't just say something to anyone. Why she had to go all the way to Berk for some space. She left her team a man down when they could be drawn into a fight at any moment. What was she thinking? Or what if she was captured mid-flight, too far from the Edge or Berk for aid. Hiccup had never felt so furious and terrified at the same time.
He considered taking Toothless and trying to catch up. Even if she had too much of a lead, he could confront her on Berk and bring her straight back. But with the way she was acting, would she even listen? He didn't know what her motives were, but loyally to him or the team clearly didn't factor in. Plus, going after her would mean leaving the island with even fewer defenders. He already left the outpost unprepared once, and he was lucky there were no casualties. Hiccup had no choice but to wait until she decided to return.
Six long days passed. Having read every source available and coming up empty handed, Hiccup was desperate for a distraction. Fixated on the fear that the Dragon Hunters would attack at any time, he tried to get the team organized and prepared. That proved to be an uphill battle, as all but one relished in getting on every one of his nerves. While Fishlegs was never part of the problem, he was also too meek to help control it. Astrid was usually the one who kept them in line. Even just her presence was enough to reconsider acting out. Hiccup needed her there, and the reminder that she wasn't caused his temper to flare. Fueled by weeks of turmoil and sleep deprivation, Hiccup exploded. Completely, one hundred percent, melted down. The team could only watch in shock as their patient, mild-manner leader erupted into a rage. Everyone one was called out, individually, and told to get their act together. They were reminded that their lives were at stake. Berk was in danger. Every dragon was a potential victim, including their own. If they wanted any hope of survival, they needed to get it together NOW. If not, they would be dismissed as riders for Berk.
Needless to say, his "pep talk" was not well-received. But they did get the message. Everyone showed up for strategy meetings when they were supposed to. Daily assignments were distributed to increase defenses and stock-up on provisions. There may have been some grumbling and snide remarks, but the work was done. As much as Hiccup hated to be the bad guy, he had to admit that it was pretty effective. They may actually have a chance, with or without Astrid.
A few days later, in the middle of the night, Hiccup heard a Nadder's cry. He stood up from his chair quickly, tossing his book aside. Toothless perked up from his spot on the floor, ready to run and greet them. Hiccup signaled for him to stay put, causing the dragon to tilt his head in confusion. As Hiccup hurried for the door, a thought stopped him in his tracks. What exactly should he say? The lines he had rehearsed in his head the past week suddenly didn't seem adequate. While he was relieved beyond words, he was also furious. Hiccup never imagined he would have to talk to Astrid Hofferson about desertion. This whole situation was so wrong. He shouldn't have to, but he had no choice but to remind her of her duties and place on the team.
Hiccup was then jerked from his thoughts by the sound of quiet footsteps approaching. The steps stopped at his door, then there was silence. Hiccup unconsciously held his breath, motioning to Toothless to stay quiet. "Hiccup?", a soft and weary voice called. Astrid. This was it. As he reached for the door, she spoke again. "Hiccup", she repeated, shaking, "are you awake?" The sound of her voice made him pause. She sounded weak and on the verge of tears. Every instinct was driving Hiccup to open the door and embrace her; to at least make sure she was okay. But he was still so raw and didn't trust himself not to lash out at her. So he did nothing. He stood as quietly as he could. Seconds later, he heard a trembling sigh and several sniffs, followed by retreating footsteps.
Hiccup's jaw tightened as he remembered standing on the other side of the door, feeling lost. That night was rough on him, and he didn't sleep a wink for the second night in a row. Yet again, he was faced with a dilemma that he felt ill-equipped to solve. There were problems, major problems, that had to be addressed. Whether he spoke to her as a lover or as a leader, she had to understand. But he didn't want to hurt her, subjecting her to anger that wasn't entirely of her making. The only thing he could think of was to wait to talk to her until he cooled down. And of course, that decision is what ultimately led him to his current predicament.
Hearing only the breeze and gentle snoring, Hiccup felt his irritated eyes sting as tears began to form. Not only was he facing impossible odds and held the fate of so many in his hands, but he would be doing it alone. Even if she fought beside him, they were now two completely separate entities with no overlap. There was 'him' and 'her', but no 'them'. If spending a few weeks emotional estranged from her hurt this much, what would the rest of their lives feel like? But as much as he wanted to take everything back, he couldn't. It was the truth, and he didn't need another reason to doubt her. He couldn't handle it. It was hard enough to have to question her integrity as a teammate; but after everything they had been through together, it was unbearable to still love her but know that he couldn't trust her.
It wasn't supposed to end at all, but it certainly wasn't supposed to end like this.