Today's Ask Peeves:

I'm NOT Peeves the Poltergeist From Hogwarts! Idiot.

The three questions I'm answering today are all from people who think I'm Peeves the Poltergeist from Hogwarts School. Now, I went to Hogwarts, I know who that annoying piece of shit is. What I don't understand however is the amount of people who think we're the same person. What kind of idiot are you? I don't see how the two of us could be more dissimilar. The only similarity between us is our name (Peeves is a great name I can see why it's so popular), and that's not even a fucking personality trait! Also, before you write bitchy letters to me saying "Three letters who the hell cares?" Know that for every letter answered today regarding Peeves the Poltergeist and I, there are at least 50 more on the same topic. The people who's questions were answered should be grateful I wasted my time with their loser asses.

Dear Peeves,

im sick of a poltergeist called peeves in my school. what should i do?

-marauder-lover-forever

Marauder-

If I hadn't received 150 letters from people who thought I was Peeves the Poltergeist, I would of thought you were actually asking for advice. But unfortunately I did, so I know that your letter was just a pathetic attempt to one-up me. You failed, dumbass!

-Peeves

Dear Peeves,

I know you're Peeves from Hogwarts, but my freind Hermione says it can't be and you sound like you're exactly the opposite. She also thinks you could be Filch. Tell her she's wrong in the paper.

-Ron Weasley

Ron Weasley-

Your "freind"(learn to spell you goddamn dullard) was right about one thing that everyone else is too stupid to understand, and I think you know what it is. Even if she was mistaken about one thing (who the fucking hell is "Filch?"), she's still more correct that you are, so get lost.

-Peeves

Dear Mr. Peeves,
I have a annoying person that I would wish to be rid of. As my sources have confirmed that you are the same Mr. Peeves as the prankster ghost of Hogwarts, I put my trust in your ideas. My adversary has a thing for Asian women, Butterbeer, Quidditch, magical creatures, bookworms, heroics, and have found that he has recently aquired a fetish for bondage with old socks. I will call my opponent 'James'. I would like to make him suffer and forever be scared of me. Or dead. I am open to ALL options, including the more... unsavory approches.
Awaiting your response,

-Half Riddle Man

Half Riddle Man-

For the last goddamn time, SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE HOGWARTS PEEVES AND ME! THERE IS ABOLUTLY NO CONNNECTION BETWEEN US! Now that that's clarified once and for all, ever heard of the "Cruciatus Curse" or "Avada Kedavra?" You wouldn't use those though; you're too much of a wuss.

-Peeves

"Damn!" Said Ron after reading Peeves' first column, "My question wasn't first, it was second!"

"Ron!" Yelled Harry in mock anger, "You should be, wait what was it? Oh yeah, grateful he wasted his time with your loser ass!"

"Ron," said Hermione, "I just have one thing to say about this, I WAS RIGH YOU WERE WRONG! HAAAAAA!

"No, you were only right about Peeves not being Peeves, and it's a possibilty that he lied, you know. And you were wrong about him being Filch, so EH!"

"If Peeves was writing Ask Peeves, he wouldn't be able to keep his identity a secret. He'd be bragging about doing something so 'funny.' Filch, on the other hand would be capable of keeping it a secret. Not that that matters, I realized it couldn't be Filch even before this was printed. Last night, I was rereading Ask Peeves a Question, he had no spelling or grammatical errors, and sounded a lot more intelligent than Filch. (Not that most people don't.) If Peeves was Filch, there's no way he could correct your grammar, Ron, as shitty as it is."

"Hey!" Yelled Ron angrily.

"So," Harry interjected, "we know Peeves can't be the Peeves here or Filch, so who is it?

That question got Hermione and Ron to actually shut the hell up for a whole minute. They had no idea.