NOT MINE

midorinohime

We stayed with my mother and Durami, who migrated back to the country which we consider our second home. I am thankful that Jiyong made sure that my brother's girlfriend, Ji Eun, is safe as well. We met them at the bus stop near where Sanghyun lives and together we headed towards teh airport with a heavy heart. I couldn't pretend that this is not affecting me in front of our children and my brother. Being the crybaby that I am, I continued to sob silently on our way to Incheon.

It was so painful parting with my other half, when I fully know if he would be able to survive this battle unscathed. Not to mention my baby brother as well. Yes, he is a grown up man, and already engaged, but he is still my Cheondeong. My Little doongie.

Two of the most important people in my life are going to fight for our country, not to mention my friends and the people I have come to treasure. All those people I worked with.

How could I keep them safe? Why is our government so cruel to force them to fight for our country. I silently wished that somehow Korea has the same policy as Japan. In Japan, they let their people volunteer. It's their choice if they want to sacrifice their lives for the country. But here in Korea, they are not given a choice. I know that even if we have the same case just like Japan, Jiyong would still want to help defend the country.

I took one last glance at my husband, before I board the plane. I wanted to ran back to him and drag him along with me. I wish I have the power to shrink him and hide him inside my pocket. He gave me a small smile and nod at my direction, telling me to take a step forward and bring our family to safety.

His words kept on repeating in my mind. 'I will follow and come back to you.' he whispered before letting go of my hand and pushing me and the kids to give our passport to the officer.

"Unnie," Ji Eun held my hand as I watch sujin and jaeseong sleeping soundly in the seat near the window. "Don't worry. They'll be safe."

I sadly beamed at her. "Yes, we need to be strong.. Ji Eun-ah." I murmured as a tear escaped from my eye.

I did not know how long we traveled from korea to the Philippines, but I found myself being woken up by my little princess, kissing my cheeks. "Eomma!"

"Sujin-ah..." I was still sleepy. I don't remember falling asleep. Must have dozed off as I continued to pray for my loved ones and friends left back in Korea.

"Eomma, we're here."

My Mother and sister were already waiting for us. Both of them wearing this worried and relieved expression on their faces. Relieved to see us safe here but worried for the people left behind. The kids run to meet their grandma and Aunt. "Little angels, did you enjoy your flight?" Durami sweetly asked the two kids who eagerly nodded and grinned at her.

We are always happy whenever we visits this second home, but now as much we wanted to be happy that we are back in this warm country, our heart are still reaching out back in Korea.

So do I.

Be safe... Jiyong.. please fulfill your promise.

Every night, I find myself praying for my husband. Praying for his safety and for him to come home to us safe and sound. I cry myself to sleep. Every day, I watch the news and read articles on the internet, trying to see if there is any good news in Korea.

Days had passed but the war still continued and the death toll continues to rise. Names of the late soldiers, now considered as heroes of the country, were being posted on the internet. Before reading the updated lists, I pray not to see any names of the people whom I know.

The kids were enjoying their stay. But they would often ask when their Appa would come. I would always answer 'soon' and hug my kids tight, making myself believe this one word that gives us hope.

SOON... I know he'll do what he said. He'll come for us. He always does...

Today, marked the second month after we arrive from Korea. Early in the morning, I turned the computer on and upon connecting to the internet my hand automatically click the website.

I closed my eyes, and prayed, the prayer I had come to memorize upon repeating every single day for these past two months.

I scanned the list of the people who had pushed up the daisies during the war, inwardly praying for their souls and comfort for the people they left behind.

875. Song Jin-Ho

876. Ahn Soo

877. Jeong Dong-sun

878. Chung Shin

879. Koh Min Soo

880. Shin Dong Gun

881. Hong Kwang So

882. Yang Iseul

883. Jeong Un Chan

884. Shin Bon Hwa

I am almost near the end of the updated list. Thanking God everytime I passed one name. But my heart almost stopped as I saw the next name after Lee Myung Hee. I closed my eyes once again, wishing the name isn't really there. That I only saw it because I was thinking too much about him. My eyes slowly fluttered open, but the name did not disappear. It was still there, pushing me to accept the reality. This bitter reality.

885. Lee Myung Hee

886. Kwon Jiyong...

887. Shim Sung go

"No..." I whispered, tears blurring my vision still focused on the computer monitor. "No.. this.. is.. no... not... true..this is not him... no...NO! NO! NOOOOOOOO!"

My screaming filled the house, and all the people in it quickly went to see what had happened to me.

"Dara-yah..." Eomma called my name as she walked to where I am.

It was still early and the kids are still sleeping. They don't need to see me breakdown like this. They need to see me strong. So I am thankful that they did not wake up.

"Noooo! Eomma..." Ji Eun, Durami and my mother went to hug as they read the list. Their eyes becoming teary as they read his name.

"Unnie..." Ji Eun's voice sounded so emphatic. She hugged from behind as she cried silently, sharing the pain I am feeling right now.

I did not know how long I cried. For only one thing has continued to fill my mind.

He's gone...

And he's not coming back. No matter how loud I call for his name...

Another month had passed and the government still hadn't given us a call about Jiyong's death. The war had come to an end after the army had succesfully defended the country. One thing to be celebrated. But it doesn't change the fact that this war has caused so many lives to be taken away.

My kids continued to ask me about their appa but I couldn't bear to tell them that he's not going to keep his promise anymore. That he's not going to follow here and bring us back home.

How do you explain to children that their father is dead and that they would never see him again. They would never be able to play with him. They would never be able to sing and dance with him. To play soccer. To watch disney shows. To play the piano while they sing.

How do you tell kids those things and won't make them cry.

Coward. That's what I am. I was so afraid to tell them the truth, for I know it would hurt them so much. He broke his promise to his little ones. When you you're self silently wishes that everything is just a nightmare. You'd wake up the next day realizing everything did not really happen.

Life is cruel.

I caressed the sleeping aces of my my children. How I wish I could go back in time and snatch their father away from danger.

Step..

I kissed their forehead, Sujin unconsciously smiled and JaeSeong mumbled in his sleep. "Hhhhmmm. Appppaaa... Don't eat.. mine... hhhmmm..." as if whining to his father.

I covered my mouth with my right hand to stop myself from crying, closing my eyes. My other hand clutching the bed sheet.

Step...

Tears flowed freely down my cheeks as I gazed down upon my children. I have to tell them. Sooner or later. I have to. Even though I know it would hurt them. I can't keep them in the dark anymore. Innocently believing that their father would still reunite with us.

I tried not to choke on my tears, hoping not to wake the kids. I slowly got up, my eyes never leaving the two angels still in dreamland.

Step...

I felt someone standing close behind me. So close I could almost feel the rise and fall of the person's chest.

"Babe, why are you crying?" I stiffened. The familiar sound of his voice lingering in my ears.

Now I'm hearing his voice, I thought. "God, I miss him so much." I bit my lower lip and looked up in frustration.

I felt the soft rumbling of the his voice, as his shoulders go up and down while chuckling. I felt a pair of arms encircling my waist and heard his soft whisper, "I've missed you too, baby."

How I wish this is true. How I wish...

My brain stopped from completing the thought as felt him brush his lips at the side of my neck. "I've missed you soo much." continuously showering me soft wet kisses.

"Oh, God. Tell me this is not a dream."

I quickly unclasped his arms around me and whirled to face him. I did it so fast, afraid that once I face him, he'd vanish, slapping me with the reality of the situation that I am halucinating, imagining that he's back with us, with me.

But my eyes were filled with tears once more, as I take in his grinning face. I cupped his face and stared at him while the tears flows like a river down my face.

"This is not a dream..." he murmured, his hands tucking locks of coffee brown hair behind my ear, planting a soft hasty kiss on my now trembling lips. "I'm back."

"Jiyong!" it isn't a dream. He's here. He's really here! But... "But... you.. you're dead!"

He laughed quietly, not wanting to wake their children up. "Am I? Oh, I must be a ghost!" he remarked. "I have come to take you with me to heaven." He playfully said.

"How..."

"It wasn't me, baby girl. It was a different Kwon Jiyong... a senior high school student. I met his father during his burial, Kwon Bae Young. He.." but nothing else mattered anymore, he's safe. He's back, I threw myself at him and cried and cried, not really minding if the kids or the neighbors would be woken up by my loud bawling.

He kept his promise. He is ours once again...