I don't know when it started. I don't know when my feelings started to feel like something real, something more than the act (on stage) put on "just for your entertainment". But if I had to… it started with his eyes, and his beautiful smile. My crush was almost instantaneous, after all - Tommy is, physically my type - but I think, it probably started with his smile. I loved to watch him, to watch every expression he would be willing to make for me unfold like an open book. My desire to see more of that, it secretly drove me.

But it's his smile that's probably the most beautiful thing in the world to me.
-Adam Lambert

Chapter 2: Without A Soul

It wasn't a secret that Tommy was straight, and it definitely wasn't a secret that Tommy was Adam's type as well. Slightly shorter in height and very cute, with rich brown eyes. Long blond hair ran down his skull like a Mohawk, except Tommy preferred to wear it down, usually covering the right side of his face. It was immediately apparent to both of them that they had at least four things in common: make-up, hair, clothes and fashion. The similar taste in music and movies could only be considered a bonus.

Tommy first encountered the name Adam Lambert through his cousin, Mia – she was a singer, and had randomly decided to call up her "favorite guitar-playing cousin" from backstage during a break in her concert set. "You like Jeff Buckley, don't you? I remember you mentioning him a while ago that he was one of your favorite artists."

"I love Jeff Buckley," Tommy said casually. "You know me too well to be asking that, Mia. What's on your mind?"

"Ugh, you just have to check out American Idol this year." Mia cut off Tommy's sigh before he could say anything else.

"I know, I know," She continued. "It's not your thing, you've told me before. But this guy, Adam Lambert, he sounds just like Jeff Buckley. He sang 'Ring of Fire' for Country Week last week."

"Wait." He paused. "For Country Week?" At the very least, Tommy knew American Idol had 'theme weeks' where the contestants would have to sing from a list of matching songs. He couldn't imagine that particular version of 'Ring of Fire' as country.

"Bet you like him already, huh? Tommy." Mia hit it on the head. If she wasn't a singer, she might be some scary psychiatrist who always knows what you're thinking before you even think it. Then again, musicians, particularly singers – were definite "people persons". Tommy could image Mia wasn't the only singer that had the ability to watch and study the people around her.

"I'll watch the video as soon as I can." The loud thumping of heavy metal pounded the walls of his bedroom, almost matching in volume to the noisy background of chatting and music behind Mia.

"Let me guess, Cindi is listening to her Heavy Metal stuff again." Mia was scary sometimes.

"How can you tell?" Tommy asked innocently. "You on your break then?"

"Maybe. I have… fifteen minutes left. The band is on a break in the set. I don't know who they are, but another of the bands is playing a half-hour set to fill the time. Club something, I forget. I've been here too long – they want us to play two sets tonight, so yeah."

"Good luck with that, Mia," Tommy replied simply. He knew Mia wasn't complaining, she loved to sing, and this would only get her music out to more people. "Sounds like the club has different sets of people and different times, so that should be fun to play for."

"I know, it is. We get to change up the music we play, and I'm having tons of fun. The crowds are awesome-" Tommy could hear someone calling Mia's name in the background. A bite sized background conversation later and Mia returned to her cell.

"Sorry cuz, someone is in a panic about something, and apparently they need me to help with… something." Mia also had the propensity to be slightly spacey and forgetful about things not directly related to her music.

"Talk to you later, Mia. You know you're my light in this world." Tommy held a soft spot for Mia – after all, they had grown up together. Their parents lived in the same neighborhood, and they graduated at the same high school, although Mia was two years ahead of him.

Mia laughed, but this one was full of sorrow. "Tommy, you know I love you. But I won't always be able to be your light, you know? There will come a day that that title will be stripped away from me."

"Mia…" He didn't know what to say. He never knew what to say when Mia brought up this conversation.

"I welcome that day. The day you stop running and let someone else into your heart." Mia let the silence between them make her point. "Look, for now, let's just forget it, okay? Watch Adam Lambert's 'Ring of Fire' for me. If you do that much, I'll forgive you for making me the center of your closed-off world."

"Mia…" he said with a happy sigh. It always went like this, but he didn't mind. It was safe, secure almost, and he couldn't let go of that feeling. "Alright, now go knock 'um dead."

"Oh, I've got that covered. My set will rock the house, yo!" She gave a bad imitation of whoever it was she was trying to channel. "And if I don't get off the phone right now, whoever it is will have my head for something I currently know nothing about. Laters."

Click.

All at once the reality of his world came crashing back. It was like being in a bubble, a sanctuary. For those few moments, he could relax.

He logged into YouTube, pulling up the video clip from the first search result. Easy enough to find, and the fact the video's ratings were so high shouldn't have surprised him. Mia seemed to have some sort of idol worship for the guy, which seemed to amuse Tommy, for no specific reason.

Tommy let out a sigh as he waited for the video to load. The sun had gone down long ago, but the night sky was a foggy blanket of blue. The light pollution from the city made it impossible to see the stars, even if the area he lived in was the darkest one in the city. It was also one of the more dangerous areas of the city to live in, but Tommy had no choice. He was stuck in this hell hole of an apartment complex in the shittiest neighborhood in town, in a two–bedroom, constantly looking for (tolerable) roommates. They never lasted long, and the apartment was under his name to begin with.

His job answering telephones in a cubicle didn't pay enough for him to move to a different apartment with first and last month's rent. Even the gigs he was hooked up with as lead guitar didn't pay much in the end. Food seemed to take up a good chunk of money; food and alcohol, with the occasional cigarette pack in between.

He looked casually back at the computer screen; the video was halfway done loading. He sighed, pushing his chair away from the desk. Out of beer, and Tommy had the distinct feeling that it was going to be a long night. Tommy had two roommates who were, for the most part, dating. His male roommate, Joe was currently the lead singer of a band he occasionally played in. Cindi was his on-again-off-again girlfriend.

"If I don't make it, someone else will…" he trailed off, continuing the song in his head. 'Stand My Ground' by Within Temptation. "Late at night, things I thought I put behind me…"

Reaching for the door of the fridge, he opened it, looking around – an Asian beer. Kirin Ichiban, something new to try. Why not? After a while, beer was beer.

As he grabbed the can, another hand gripped his own in a crushing grip. Another hand, the skin of someone else touching him, bothering him and panicking his senses in a grip of fear just as strong as that hand.

"You always do this," Tommy spoke through escalating breathing. "Let. Go. Of me!" His voice grew louder with each word. He dropped the can back in the fridge and aimed his elbow towards the person behind him. The guy jumped out of the way just in time, but was silent. Tommy couldn't keep his voice down; the fear rushing inside him drew his anger out of control. "Don't touch me you shit-head fucker! We are not on stage; this is not a show for an audience."

Tommy felt his breathing become sporadic. "So you keep your dumb-ass grubby paws the hell way me! Don't ever touch me. EVER."

The guy backed up. "Dude, I'm sorry, I forgot."

"Just tell me what the fuck you came here for, CJ. Beer? As if Joe couldn't afford his own, wherever he is right now."

CJ ignored the question. "What, you let Joe mess with you on stage, but you're completely indifferent and cold otherwise. Tell me why?"

Tommy and CJ were both guitar players, but Tommy had beat him out for lead guitar during the auditions. Whatever he came here for, he had personal reasons behind it. The band had only been playing together for a few weeks, and only a small handful of those times were live gigs. Even so, the guy had a huge chip on his shoulder, a jealously that seemed disportionate for the amount of time the band had been together.

Tommy picked his beer up, gripping it tightly in his hand and shut the fridge door with a thunk. It rattled the bottles inside it with a series of harsh clinking. It sounded horrible in the dead silence of the kitchen. Cindi's music had quieted down and even the soft lighting from the kitchen seemed afraid of Tommy, of the look he held in his eyes. Anger, hatred, panic, fear; a combination of so many feelings he couldn't even begin to name them all.

He spoke slowly, deliberately. "First, you will keep your distance from me. Or so help me, you won't even see it coming when I slam you down and punch your lights out like its Fight Club. Second, you get whatever the hell Joe sent you here for, and then you leave as quietly as you came in. I will not put up with your shit tonight, CJ. So shove it. And god damn it, if Joe is spending the fucking night somewhere, take Cindi with you. She loves threesomes just as much as you."

CJ looked scared shitless, and Tommy was just fine with that. He's had run-ins with the guy before; similar to this, but the guy must have been a masochist for punishment, and that sparked a thought he didn't want to explore too thoroughly. He didn't like men, not sexually, not ever.

As Tommy left for his room, he heard the fridge door open again. Beer run. Apparently Joe was too cheap to buy more, so he was digging into (more than likely) Tommy's stash. Fucker. Some yelling over loud music, and Tommy saw Cindi walk out of the bedroom, running over to cling tightly onto CJ's arm, happy as ever. At least she turned her music off.

She waved him a goodbye and they slammed the front door on their way out. Tommy knew CJ lived in a rundown complex across the street, so it was a good bet that that was where they were headed. Probably an "after party", since the band had played in a strip club a few hours ago. Why Joe didn't bother telling his semi-girlfriend, he didn't know or really care. The loud thumping music was gone and so was his headache.

Tommy relaxed as soon as he felt the familiar sound of his bedroom door shutting and the soft click of the lock. For now, he could relax and not worry about anything else today. Joe wouldn't be coming back until morning (if at all, since the guy had to work tomorrow). Tommy had Tuesdays off, so that was a bonus. He could finish drinking, practice his guitar, and maybe watch some movies on Netflix.

He sat down, the pop of his beer can releasing the strong smell of beer towards his nose. He took a sip and played the clip of Adam Lambert's 'Ring of Fire'.

"Figures. Country Week. He already gets points for not using the Johnny Cash version of the song. Epic." Tommy liked Adam already; now to see if he could pull it off. Mia praised the guy, and she wouldn't have said anything to him in the first place if he wasn't, as Mia liked to say, "super awesome".

Tommy was ready for a good singer; he was ready for a good looking contestant who could wow the judges. What he wasn't prepared for was Adam Lambert. He wasn't just another contestant on a reality show singing competition; he sounded and acted like he had already won. Adam didn't need to prove he could sing. He just needed a platform to show the world who he was.

"My god, this guy is great…" He couldn't quite believe what he was listening to. Not your average-Joe singer. In fact, he was better than Joe in every possible way. Tommy wasn't sure how many times he repeated the clip, he spent the next two hours just listening to some of Adam's previous songs, while there weren't many, were very impressive. His cover of 'Black or White' from the Michael Jackson Week was unreal as well.

"If I could play in a band for someone like this…" Tommy couldn't take his eyes away from Adam. "If I was in a band with a singer like that maybe… just maybe…"

A large gulp of beer. "Maybe," he thought to himself. "My life would be different. I could… escape this rat hole forever. My life…"

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