Muggle Rampage Box

Once again, on a raid, Bellatrix Lestrange had found something else interesting. The acne-riddled Muggle teenager she'd just killed had been holding some kind of weird polygonal device while he looked at a flat paneled screen mounted on wall. Big glowing letters showed up on the screen, reading "GAME OVER."

"What are you looking at, Bellatrix?" Lucius Malfoy asked curiously, noticing that his sister-in-law was transfixed by the device.

"This... thing," came the woman's reply. She didn't have any words in her vocabulary to accurately describe what she was looking at. "I don't know what it is, but that guy seemed more focused on it than me, and I was the one who killed him!"

"Most people don't expect to be ambushed, Bellatrix," Lucius replied as neutrally as he could. Bellatrix shrugged.

"Still, you'd think he'd at least have the decency to look at his murderer. Whatever. I guess it was really interesting." She looked pensive for a second, then yelled out, "BIGHTLEY! GET IN HERE!" Decima Bightley, another member of the raid team, poked her head into the room.

"Did you get bitten by a Chihuahua again?" she asked sarcastically, referencing the last raid they'd gone on, where the Muggle family's tiny pet dog decided to show the courage of a pit bull and attempt to take Bellatrix down. It had almost succeeded as well, as Bellatrix had not been expecting to have a small creature attempt to chew her nose off. To be fair to her, though, that was one hardcore Chihuahua. It had taken Bightley, both Carrow siblings, and Lucius to finally kill the damn thing. Bellatrix just glared, though.

"You know about Muggle shit! Tell me what this thing is!" Sighing, Bightley walked over to where Bellatrix was standing and inspected the thing in front of her.

"That's a game console. Muggles shoot things on the television screen with them. Only they're not really shooting things, it's like a game," she explained. "Some Muggles think they can cause addiction and make people want to go on murderous rampages."

"Oooh! Can I have it? Can I have it? I like murderous rampages!"

"Bellatrix," Rodolphus sighed. "You can't have it. It's not yours."

"That didn;t stop us from taking the jewelry and silverware from the last house we raided!" Bellatrix shot back at her husband. "Why can't I have the Muggle rampage box?"

"Because we have a use for jewelry and silverware," Rodolphus explained as patiently as he could. "We don't have a use for the Muggle rampage box. And what do you think our Lord would say, you messing around with some dirty Muggle contraption?" Bellatrix looked thoughtful for a bit, then her face lit up, the way it did when she had a (usually really bad) idea.

"Why don't I ask him myself?" she suggested, and before anyone had a chance to stop her, the psychotic woman rolled up her robe sleeve, and pressed her wand to the Dark Mark on her upper arm. Almost instantly, Lord Voldemort himself appeared in the Muggle living room, and stepped over the now-deceased teenager.

"What is this about, Bellatrix?" he asked. "I know you wouldn't call me unless it was something important, so tell me what's going on." Rodolphus, Lucius, and Decima winced. The Dark Lord was usually very tolerant of Bellatrix's craziness, but they doubted that his tolerance would extend towards the woman wanting to keep some random Muggle crap that they had no use for. Bellatrix didn't see it that way, though.

"They won't let me keep the Muggle rampage box, and I want it! I want it I want it I want it!"

"What the hell is a Muggle rampage box?" Voldemort asked, more curious than anything else.

"That Muggle I killed was playing with it. You hook it up to that screen thing and you use the box to control the little people in it. They use those metal wands that Muggles use to kill each other and swords and stuff to attack! It looks really fun, and Bightley explained it to me! But now Rodolphus says I can't have it because you wouldn't like it. Tell him I can have it!" Bellatrix was beginning to sound like a whiny child rather than a deranged psychopath of a witch, but Voldemort didn't seem to think so.

"For something made by Muggles, it sounds surprisingly useful. It would be good for days that we don't raid, anyway, keep everyone in top performance. Yes, you can have your Muggle rampage box. Lucius! That screen thing looks heavy, carry it for her."

"But my lord, can't we just use a lightening charm on it? We are wizards." Voldemort looked mollified for a split-second, then turned his wand on the blonde man.

"Crucio." he said. Lucius screamed in pain, writhing and twisting on the ground as Decima, Bellatrix, and Rodolphus looked on in sympathy. "Of course I knew we could use a lightening charm on it, do you think I'm stupid? I'd expect you to do that anyway! You're a wizard! Act like one!" The Dark Lord moved his wand away, and a panting, gasping Lucius got to his feet.

"Right."

It turned out that taking the game console with them was one of the best ideas Bellatrix had ever had. Voldemort was quite fond of it. One game, called Zombie Infection Outbreak IV, was a personal favorite of his. He liked blasting the undead with a shotgun. "I have got to get one of these!" he had said on more than one occasion. "I don't care if it's made by Muggles, something that has that much power is something I want to have!"

Bellatrix, on the other hamd, and much to everyone's consternation and fear, seemed to take a liking to a game called Pretty Pony Express. She would spend hours grooming her pixellated pink horse she named Zetsubou. No one dared to comment on how disturbing it was that she had named her horse "Despair" and that the official maniac of the Death Eaters was playing a girly horse-game in the first place.

No one really wanted to be on the end of one of Bellatrix's Cruciatus curses for speaking against her new favorite hobby.

END

Author's Comments:

Yeah. This is really stupid, yet I found it hilarious. It's also because of this that I've decided to turn Muggle Explody Things into Bellatrix Lestrange's Handy Guide to Muggle Stuff, a collection of oneshots, so it's not just about dynamite anymore.

I was half asleep when I came up with the idea for this particular segment, and found the idea of Bellatrix and Voldemort playing video games to be the funniest fucking thing ever. Don't ask me why. I have no idea either. The title comes from some article in a magazine my mom used to get that went on and on about how video games were turning teenagers into mindless killers just waiting to go on the rampage. It's been a while since I saw the article in question, but I'm pretty sure they used the term "rampage box" in there somewhere. Oh well. Thanks for reading this incredibly stupid fic.

-Kaboom