What A Beautiful Mess

Nick quietly shut the door behind him. By the time he saw the unexpected puddle of water on the floor it was too late. His left leg swung out from beneath him; it wasn't until his right arm slammed against the cool tile floor that he cried out in pain. Instincts kicked in and he clutched his right arm tightly, trying to fight off the waves of pain. His ankle was throbbing.

He vainly tried to crawl over to the door, but he couldn't even manage to turn the knob enough to open it. Nick gently eased himself away from the door before his left arm gave out and his exhausted body collapsed. He gingerly forced himself to roll over onto his back. His hand wiped away the few tears that had formed, only to have them replaced by new ones.

When he realized he wasn't going to be moving for a while he weakly tried to pry the lid off the bottle of sleeping pills still clenched in his hand. After a few failed tries he eventually managed to pry the top off using his teeth. Pills scattered rapidly across the floor, and he managed to grab one with his shaking fingers. Hoping it would be enough to keep him out until the pain went away he swallowed one of the pills and waited for it to kick in.

Twenty minutes, and uncountable tears, later he finally drifted off to sleep, the agony in his arm and leg fading into the darkness. His entire body was limp, and his head was turned so he was facing the wall with his mouth slightly open and eyes shut.

Shift had ended several hours ago. It had been painfully obvious that Nick had been through a rough night, and to say she was worried would have been a serious understatement of what she was feeling. Which was why she was standing on Nick's doorstep. Both his home and cell phone had gone unanswered, and her nerves were getting the best of her when no one came to the door. She knocked a few more times, and waited a few moments to see if anyone would respond.

When she was greeted with silence she used her key to open the door. The light she saw through the closed curtains of the kitchen window was a definite sign that Nick was home. Anyone else she would've accepted the possibility that they had just forgotten to turn it off. Except she knew Nick; he was beyond fastidious when it came to how he left his house. He would always check each room, turn off every light, and ensure that he knew essentially where everything was.

It was one of many idiosyncrasies Nick had formed over the past few months that she had learned about one evening while she had brought Nick dinner before driving him to the lab. Of course there was also the fact that the only time Nick would really get out anymore was if he was going with someone from the team. The sight of the exceptionally clean living room and kitchen was something else that didn't surprise her. Nick had taken to keeping things organized, remembering where they were.

It was just another thing that worried her. He wasn't supposed to have to memorize where everything in his own home was. He shouldn't be afraid that someone had broken in and was planning on hurting him. Of course he did manage to smile more often. Smiles that reached his eyes and didn't die on his lips. He would actually laugh naturally, not having to force it, and that made Catherine feel extremely more upbeat. A lot had happened over the past year, so much that she was surprised Nick had managed to overcome so many tribulations.

She also had to admit that he wasn't entirely compulsive. His keys and cell phone were placed haphazardly on the counter of his kitchen that separated it from the living room. The items on the shelves weren't obsessively arranged. They only added to the warm inviting feel of his home, and everything seemed to fit.

Catherine sighed and put her focus back on finding Nick. She looked down the hallway, and immediately knew he was in the bathroom. It was simple to deduce that from the fact that it was the only room with the door closed, and the only other room with a light on that shone from the crack beneath the dark wood. Her hand gently knocked on the wood.

"Nick, come on- I know you're in there. Is something wrong?" She paused, waiting for an answer. When she received none she went on. "Alright, I'm coming in, Nick." Her fingers wrapped around the doorknob and turned. The surprise of finding the door to be unlocked was nothing to the shock of seeing Nick lying on the floor.

"Oh God, Nick- what happened?" She rushed into the room and lifted his head from the floor. There were pills scattered all over the floor. "No- damn it, please… no, God Nick, please say you didn't overdose…" Her nerves were slightly calmed by the steady, rhythmic movements of Nick's chest as he breathed. She gently shook him, hoping that he had simply taken a single pill.

Except that didn't make sense either. Why would Nick just take a single pill and fall asleep in his bathroom? Too many questions were running through her head. Fear was at an all time high. Her mind told her that he had obviously taken too many pills, that he had tried to kill himself. Her heart told her that he had simply taken one, and that he wouldn't do such a thing.

In the end the groan from the man on the floor beside her was enough to make her heart win.

"Nick? Nick, what happened?" She questioned as he let out another groan. His eyes fluttered slightly.

"Wh-where am I?" His left hand cautiously moved up to rub his eyes, and he blinked a few times. He wasn't sure why he was lying on the floor, or why his head was spinning and his vision still slightly blurred.

"In your bathroom- Nick, what happened?"

"I- just give me a second… God my head hurts."

Catherine was relieved. He obviously hadn't taken too many pills, but then again something must have happened for him to be lying on the floor in his bathroom. "Come on, Nick, let's get you out of here. You wanna lie in your bed, or sit down somewhere?"

"Sofa…" Nick answered trying to fully wake up. His arm and leg still throbbed, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been the night before. Catherine wrapped his left arm around her shoulder, and helped pull him up off the floor.

They carefully made their way to the couch. Nick tried his best not to put his weight on Catherine, but it was constantly becoming more difficult. "You won't break my back, ya know." She chided with a slight chuckle. Nick sighed and gave her a grin.

"I guess it's just the chivalry my family instilled in me with since before I could even talk."

"Oh really?" She raised an eyebrow as they sat down.

Nick let himself sink back into the cushions and sigh with relief before he answered. "Yeah. They made sure I always shared my toys, that I always held the door, that I was always polite… In fact my first words were 'thank you'…"

Catherine let out a short laugh, "You know, that doesn't even surprise me."

"Yeah- said it right after my mom had given me a new toy."

She let her smile stick for a few more moments before he face turned serious. "What happened last night, Nick?"

He immediately looked away. He seemed embarrassed, and his face was a bit red and stressed. "I fell. There was water on the floor- I slipped. I couldn't get the door open, so I pried the bottle of sleeping pills open with my teeth and I took one. Figured that when I woke up the pain would have subsided at least enough for me to get back up and make it to my bed."

Catherine couldn't help but feel relieved. She also felt incredibly stupid for even thinking Nick would try to OD on pills. "It was an accident-" The words were more aimed at reassuring herself than for Nick, "I just- I saw the pills and-"

"Wait, you actually thought I had tried to- to kill myself?"

The hurt look on Nick's face was enough to get her to respond immediately. "No, Nick, I-"

"I don't want to die, Catherine. I mean- I know I had that gun to my chin last May, but I never wanted to die. You gotta believe me."

The desperate look on his face made her swear silently to herself. "Of course I believe you, even when I saw you lying there, with all those pills… Guess I just need to listen to my heart more often. It doesn't make stupid assumptions. I'm sorry, Nick. I do know you'd never-"

She never finished the sentence. Nick had pulled her into a tight embrace, and she could tell he didn't want to let go. So she eased her arms around his back and returned the hug. It was a few moments before he got his breathing under control again, and could sit back against the couch.

"Here I go- just breaking up like always." He let out a nervous chuckle.

"There's nothing wrong with letting your emotions out. It's actually brave."

"Yeah- letting everyone see how weak you really are is brave." Nick shot back, disbelief completely evident in his voice.

"First, you're not weak, Nick. Second, yeah it is brave. I mean letting people see how you're feeling is hard, and it's not something anyone does easily. You're laying your soul out, and that's one of the bravest things a person can do."

The look in her eyes was the sole reason he managed to believe her. The honesty and the compassion in her eyes was a look he thought could convince him of anything.

"I guess you probably need to be getting back to Lindsey." Nick looked down, not sure he wanted to face the look of reluctant acceptance on her face.

"Nick- are you sure you should be staying alone? I mean, if you fall again, what are you going to do if you don't have a sleeping pill with you? What if it's worse next time?"

He stood up, and made his way to the wall so his back was turned to her. Without warning his left hand slammed into the wall. Just before he could collapse Catherine was there, holding him close. "I can't take this. I want to be normal for God's sake. This- it sucks. Why can't it just go away? It all just makes me so angry sometimes, and then I'm sad… I'm happy too, but there's just so many feelings, and they're contradicting each other- it's all one big mess."

"It'll get better Nick. You'll see. It's already getting better- I mean you got through a whole shift, and that's a big accomplishment. We're getting along, no one is fighting… And your leg and arm are healing. I know it's a slow process, but you have to give it time."

"I'm trying. Just seems like it's not going fast enough, like it's taking longer than it should. Besides- I'm so tired half the time, and I can barely make it through a whole shift. It's been six months Catherine…"

"There's no time limit on this. You can't rush it-"

"I'm thirty five years old Cath- I feel like my life is getting away from me… like it's passing me by. I don't want that. Just- I don't know what to do to get it back again."

"Fulfill your dreams then, one by one, day by day."

"I haven't dreamed in years. I mean my life is like one big nightmare."

"Everyone has dreams Nick." She gently started massaging his shoulders, trying to calm the tensed muscles.

"Most of my dreams died decades ago." His voice was laden with sadness and regret. More than anything it sounded lost.

"What was it that you dreamt most about?"

"I- I wanted to meet someone that I could fall in love with. Someone I could love back with all my heart. We'd move into our own house, have kids… I'd see myself holding my very own baby in my arms just after birth. Those little brown eyes capturing my heart completely. I'd teach em how to play catch- to ride a bike…" Nick paused, taking a few unsteady breaths, "Then I'd see myself cheering during graduation… I'd dream about giving away my own daughter, or watching my own son marry the perfect girl for him."

"That dream doesn't have to die Nick."

"It's already dead."

"Why?" Her voice was soft, gentle, but also appalled.

"For one- I can't even protect myself. How in the hell am I supposed to protect a child? It doesn't help that the only woman I've gone out with, and didn't treat me like an object, died. I was so desperate in college to just be close to people that I'd let them do anything to me, or with me. I never said no. Didn't matter how much it hurt- physically or emotionally… I'd let it happen. No one wanted to have a normal relationship with me, so I took what contact I could get. After a while I decided I didn't deserve a relationship with someone who actually loved me. Then Kristy changed everything-" He put his head into his hands and let out a sob, "She actually cared about me. She gave me something I'd never felt before. Then I lost her."

"Nick, you have to realize just what a great guy you really are. Any woman would be lucky to have a guy like you, and I know you'd make a wonderful father."

"Yeah right." His tone was sarcastic, bitter, but worst of all for Catherine it was laced with despair. The hopelessness was something she had rarely seen in Nick, but at the moment it was right there, just taunting her.

"I'm serious Nick- look at you and Lindsey… you saved her life. You took two bullets, and you offered everything you could to save her. Even if you hadn't saved her, even if she had been kidnapped…" She had to stop. The thought of losing her daughter was too much, and it took a few moments to recollect herself. "Nick, the best a parent can do is to try their best… to love their kid with every single bit of their heart. You can do that- better than anyone else I know. You would be the best dad a child could ask for. You'd be that dad because, no matter what, you'd love them with everything you've got. Because you'd do anything for them."

"It wouldn't be enough. Even if it was enough- I don't deserve it. Not after everything I've done. I- what kind of person loses their virginity when they're only nine?" Tears were filling his eyes, but they wouldn't fall. "What kind of person lets people use them, treat them like dirt?"

"Nick-" Catherine tried, but she was ­­stunned.

"It's… It's okay if you want to leave." He clamped his eyes shut, and tried to say something more. Fear that his voice might crack and he might break down kept him silent except for his unsteady gasps for air and the occasional sob.

"W-why would I leave? No- why would you think I'd leave?"

"Everyone else does."

"Who's everyone else?"

"People I worked in Dallas with. 'Friends' in college… Who can blame em though? My own family is ashamed of my 'relationships' they refuse to even talk about it. And they forbid me to even mention it to them. Maybe I'm just fooling myself… I don't know why I try to convince myself that I'm at best a decent person. Seems like everyone out there knows what I really am."

"Do you trust me Nick?" She started, her resolve deepening and her tone as dead serious as she could make it.

"Y-yeah…" His voice was shaky, but Catherine could tell he wasn't lying.

"Would I ever lie to you, Nick?"

"I don't know… N-no…"

"Then listen to me, Nick- you are an amazing person. I can't tell you how lucky I feel to know that you're my friend. I'll never understand how so many people can miss just how wonderful you are. Sure- you've made some bad choices, but that doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone makes mistakes, I know- I make plenty of em. But Nick- that's just what they are… mistakes."

She was about to say something more when they sat for a few minutes in silence. He made no signs of moving, and he still wouldn't bring himself to look at her. That was why when he turned around and pulled her into a tight hug she couldn't help but feel surprised.

Nick held onto her as if he let go he might drown. "Thank you. Thank you so much Catherine. I- you have no idea how you've helped… God- thank you." He couldn't help but allow himself to smile weakly. I don't know how you do it, but you just know how to make me believe in myself. You've given me something I haven't felt in a long time.

"Come on, let's go."

"G-go where?" Nick questioned, sitting back to face her.

"We're going to my house. You can see Lindsey this afternoon, and stay in the guest room."

"Catherine?"

"Yeah, Nick?"

"W-why are you doing this?"

"Because you're my friend." She sighed, "I care about you, Nick. Everyone on the team cares about you. You're a good guy, you just gotta stop punishing yourself. You don't have to carry the weight of your problems all by yourself."

Half an hour later they were in her living room. Nick had taken a seat on the couch, while Catherine had gone to get them some drinks. She quickly reached past the two remaining beers, and instead pulled two bottles of water out of the fridge. They sat in silence for a while. Neither was uncomfortable, but they didn't quite know what they were doing.

"I guess it's pretty obvious that neither of us are all that tired." Nick spoke, breaking the silence.

"Yeah, guess so." She wanted Nick to lead the conversation. She wanted to know that he was going to be okay.

"You up for a walk? Nothing strenuous or anything- just… there's a park a few blocks from here." Catherine smiled slightly when she noticed he seemed embarrassed.

"I'd love to." She refrained from adding a question on how he was doing. He wouldn't have asked to go for a walk if he didn't think he could handle it. Besides I'll be right next to him if he needs help.

A few minutes later they were walking beneath a sea of green leaves. Only a few people were scattered around the park as they walked. Catherine had subtly made sure she was to Nick's left, and had linked her right arm with his left. As they walked she noticed Nick seemed to be leaning slightly more towards her, and she simply kept walking with him, letting him set the pace.

She found herself stealing glances at him every few moments, taking in the calm relaxed look on his face. It was one of many sides she had seen of Nick, and it was a look she wasn't sure she would ever get tired of. She shot another furtive look at him when she noticed he was looking at her. He immediately looked away, and Catherine could swear she had seen a faint blush on his face. Any other time she would've teased him. Except she couldn't help but get the feeling that she was blushing slightly as well.

To Be Continued…

Notes: Still sorting out some issues with the plot, but the next chapter should be written and posted by this upcoming weekend. Thanks for all the reviews, and hope you enjoy this chapter. I look forward to reading your comments, and any suggestions that you may have.