Note: Since people seem to have enjoyed this fic... I came around to the idea of continuing it.. and actually kinda had an idea for what should come next... heheh.. Enjoy!

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On My Own

Part 2: Truly On Her Own

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"I find that what I loved first I loved the most" -Thomas Jefferson

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"Ran.." A man appeared behind her, startling the hell out of her, "There you are! I've been looking everywhere.. come here!" He slowly pulled her towards him, and reached down to give her a kiss. She didn't know what it was, but every time she read Shinichi's letter she always remembered too much about her past feelings. It was as if she had moved on every other day of her life to the point where she could be serious with another man.. but then one look at that letter and in any relationship she was in at the time she would realize that the only man she had ever loved was the writer of that letter. When her soon-to-be husband kissed her at that moment, she realized he was yet another that she didn't truly love.

"Oh, hello, I didn't mean to get you so worried.." As they parted, she grew embarrassed knowing that a man she had felt strongly for just hours earlier she no longer could seem to concentrate on. Sometimes this really confused her. If this is what would happen, then should she really keep the letter, tempting herself with the desire to read it every now and then? It seemed to ruin any relationship she ever had each time it was read by her. Was it that Shinichi was the only one out there for her and that she should forget about him and move on, accepting that she'd only love the next person to a certain extent? Or was it that there was another person out there for her and it was just that these guys she had been seeing weren't right for her? It was times like these (after reading his letter) that she felt like bursting out in tears. Why did he have to be gone? What could she have done to have changed that?

"Darling, what were you doing out here so late?" Though he used such a pet name as that, and certain things really made her happy to be with this man, he was just like the rest. He was only a part of Shinichi. And she doubted that any other man could steal away her heart as well as he had. There was just some un-place-able factor that always made her love Shinichi so long as his dying words were there with her. They were a constant reminder of her past, and what she had had so long ago. Her greatest wish was to go back in time and live those precious moments all over again, just to be with him. You never realize what you take for granted until it's gone. And that is the biggest cliché in the world until it actually happens to you.

"I needed a breath of fresh air.." She seemed distant and cold.

"I see.. But you were gone for such a long time." He drew her face up to look him in the eyes. Ran tried desperately to find a person that she truly loved in those eyes, but nothing seemed soothing to her in their look. She tried to think of the person before her and latch on to those things that she liked in someone. In other words (though she hated to admit this to herself), she was trying to grasp the bits and parts of Shinichi that this man had inside of him...

Nothing.

"Ran... Are you all right? Please, tell me everything is all right.." He seemed to really care about her, didn't he? And this would be the place where she would realize what she was doing and come back down to reality. She would forget about the letter that she had placed in her pocket, and remember the times she had had with this man. All of their present problems and what they were involved with would come back to her. And she would realize, as with all of the others, that there were certain things that tied her to this particular man for the time being. Though it was at this point that no matter how she allowed her love to grow for this man, it was all downhill. Even though feelings seemed to always resurface shortly after this, there was no longer any promise in them. All hope was lost.

She always wondered whether it was the same with any of the men she ever dated. Or if they ever suspected this of her. Well, they must have at a certain point.

Sometimes she was just so frustrated. If it weren't for Shinichi she wouldn't even have those moments where she longed for someone. Heh, someone! Those moments where she longed for him.. though seeking him in the form of another. There were times where she thought all was lost. But she knew that even when someone you really love dies you shouldn't think like that. That was her reasoning in the first place for needing someone else. Once you have someone like Shinichi in your life you don't know how to live without it. She thought that finding someone else like him would remove the sadness from within her soul. But no one will ever be him.

And it was only when she read his letter. Otherwise, after a few months of being completely over him again she would think she was ready for someone new. And then she would naturally find someone and be all over them, and even possibly think she was in love. And think that finally she could at once get over Shinichi..

But never did her love for Shinichi not win out against the others... And it was after a few times of reading his letter and experiencing these feelings that she realized what true love was. Though up until his death she knew that she really cared for him, just how much she could never determine. Once he 'left' she obviously realized that continual hope for him to return must have meant something, but once she knew for sure that he would never be back, she was left devastated. The problem was he still hadn't left her heart...

She felt so lonely after reading that letter. It was as if it made her realize everything about herself... which to her was a horrible truth. She couldn't even speak to a friend about her feelings during these times; she had no desire to. Her only desire was Shinichi.

She was truly on her own.

In the current moment, she looked at the man next to her and grabbed his hand.

"Let's go home, honey." The man didn't notice the tears that lined her tiny cheeks as they walked home that night; Shinichi would have.

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End note: Damn.... I just got so much out about how I was feeling.. And I feel so much better now. My feelings live through my story...

Ah.. Just when you think there couldn't possibly be anymore... just you wait!