Chapter 2
Steve returned to DC after the funeral. He had driven back on his bike enjoying the freedom of the open road. His apartment felt cold and empty when he dropped his bags by the front door. The apartment next door was empty now, Sharon had left and he was truly free of the all seeing eye of S.H.I.E.L.D., at least what was left of it anyway.
He needed to clear his head. After everything that happened during the past few weeks he felt like he was being pulled in different directions and he didn't know which way was up. Losing Peggy had hit him hard, but he had found courage with Natasha. He scanned the apartment, not even sure what he was looking for, but decided to grab his gym bag and left again. He needed to hit something, and a punching bag seemed the safest thing.
He spent several days like that. He would spend the day at the gym and then go home and crash. He let out his frustrations and tried to fight off the nightmares. He tried to get a hold of Natasha, but she wasn't returning his calls or texts. He assumed she was out of contact for a reason and let it go.
Steve was seated on his couch with the files on Bucky spread out on the coffee table trying to figure out what his next step would be when his phone rang. He had hoped it was Natasha and was more than slightly disappointed when I turned out to be Tony.
"Cap," Steve could feel the smirk through the phone, "I'm surprised you knew how to turn your phone on!"
"What can I do for you Mr. Stark?" Steve ignored the jab.
"Listen, I hear you are looking for someone and I wanted to offer you my services. You could come by the tower and we can see if we can't get you a lead. What do you say?"
Steve eyed the stack of papers on his coffee table and weighed his options, "I would appreciate that, thank you."
"Good," Tony was obviously tinkering with something because Steve heard a small explosion which pulled a curse from Tony's lips. "I'll have the private jet pick you up tonight."
"Thanks," Steve declined the offer, "but I would prefer to drive myself. I'll leave first thing in the morning."
"If you're sure," Tony quickly changed his tone, "Uh, gotta go!" The line went dead.
Steve sighed and placed the phone back on the table. He paused for a moment and picked the phone back up. He typed out a message to Natasha.
'I WILL BE HEADED TO NEW YORK TOMORROW. TONY WILL HELP WITH SEARCH. I HOPE YOU ARE SAFE.'
He was satisfied with his message and hit send. He placed the phone back on the table and sat back in the midst of the files. A photo of Bucky, young, fresh and dressed in his uniform smiled back at Steve and it struck him to his core. He closed the file, unable to look at the photo any longer. He eyed the worn box sitting on the top of his book shelf, almost burning a hole in his chest. He had placed it there when he got back to DC and had not touched it since. He had this perfect image of Peggy, a perfect person, and he didn't want to dilute it with anything; even if it was the truth. He wanted to hold on to that idea of Peggy for as long as he could, then when he was ready, he would read through her letters and files.
That night he dreamed of Peggy and Bucky. He woke up drenched in sweat and shaking. After wrestling with sleep for a few hours, he pulled himself out of bed early that morning and packed a bag. He grabbed his shield and loaded his bike. He zipped his leather jacket to keep out the chill and started on his journey to New York. Even though it had changed so much during the time he was asleep, it was somehow still the same. Always busy, vibrant, alive. While he did not care for Tony's style, he was grateful for any help he was willing to offer. He was allowed entrance to the lower parking garage after a retinal scan at the gate. Steve left his bike between two of Tony's vintage cars and made his way to the elevator.
"Hello, Captain Rogers," Jarvis's cool voice was seeping through the elevator. The last time he had been in the tower was after the battle with Loki and the Chitauri. It was a different experience this time.
"Hello, Mr. Jarvis." Steve replied back.
"You can just call me Jarvis, Captain Rogers," The elevator began to rise.
"Then you can just call me Steve," He smiled to himself. This was going much better than the last conversation he had with a computer.
"I am sorry to hear about Agent Carter."
"Thank you," Steve fiddled with the strap on his bag to distract himself.
"Let me know if you need anything during your stay," J.A.R.V.I.S chimed as the elevator doors opened.
"Thank you," Steve left the elevator and found himself in a massive living space. There were couches, and chairs scattered about. There was a bar on one side of the room stocked with different types of alcohol. There were countless electronics that Steve couldn't even begin to imagine what they did. There was a fireplace in the center of the room with a roaring fire radiating heat all across the room. Steve dropped his bag on one of the couches and made his way to the one of the wall of windows. He smiled as he could see the entire city from that spot. He took in the busy city below him, people and cars making their way through the streets. It was warm and quiet high above all the hustle and bustle below. He was lost in thought when Tony burst out of the elevator.
"Welcome Cap!" Tony bounced around with his usual flair and made his way to the bar. "Can I fix you a drink?"
"No, thank you." Steve replied as he left the view at the window and took a seat at the bar as Tony poured himself a drink.
"I'd figure you'd be ready for a drink." Tony eyed him as he took a sip of his scotch. "I'm sorry to hear about Peggy."
"Thank you." Steve said quietly.
"You sure you don't want a drink?" Tony watched him from behind the bar.
Steve decided he would rather not explain that he couldn't get drunk, but wanted to take Tony up on his hospitality so he sighed and pulled his jacket off, "You have any beer?"
"What kind do you want?" Tony smirked.
"Surprise me," Tony was not an easy person to be around sometimes and Steve felt like he was too tired to play through the banter back and forth. Tony placed a bottle before him. Steve grabbed his beer and made his way to sit on the couch. "The Tower seems to be cleaning up nicely."
"Oh," Tony shrugged, "Pepper is making me clean up my mess. It's coming along, but you didn't come all this way to talk about my home decor. Let's get to the point." He took a sip and set his glass on the table and grabbed a tablet and used it to turn on the giant flat screen that hung on the nearest wall. The screen filled with dozens of images.
"What are we looking at?" Steve's eyes scanned over all the images on the screen. "It looks like surveillance footage."
"Right you are Captain." Tony eased back into the couch. "I have been looking for your buddy here through any and all active surveillance footage I could get my hands on."
"What did you find?" Steve pulled himself to edge of his seat and put his beer on the table.
"He's good." Tony seemed impressed as he talked. "I just needed to find him somewhere so I could track him, but he is a slippery devil. He popped up here and there, nothing recent so I have not been able to get a location on him yet."
"So," Steve raised his eyebrows, "You bring me all the way to New York to tell me...What?"
"I come baring gifts," Tony ran his fingers over the surface of the tablet and all the different images on the screen formed into one image. Steve instantly recognized the location as he had spent some time there recently. It was the museum that housed the Captain America exhibit. "It was only a 30% match, but you might be able to tell for sure if it's him."
Steve pulled himself to his feet and moved to stand closer to the screen. A small sense of hope began to rise in his chest. He instantly recognized the silhouette of his life-long friend. "That's him," The words came out almost breathlessly. Steve's mind began racing. He didn't know what to think; he didn't know how he felt or what it even meant that Bucky had gone to the museum. "What now?" Steve looked back to Tony. "Can you track him?"
"His current location is unknown." Tony shifted on the couch. "I am tracking him 24/7, if he surfaces again I'll know. It might take a while and you will have to get wherever he is quickly, but at least you will know where to start looking."
"This isn't going to be easy?" Steve's face seemed to fall slightly.
"Steve," Tony stood, "it's better than needle in a haystack. Listen," Tony jumped to his feet, "I've got plenty of space, so feel free to kick back until the computer gets a hit. If you need anything ask Jarvis."
Tony grabbed his drink and headed for the elevator.
"What?" Steve watched him, "you're leaving already?"
"Pepper and I have a thing..." His face did not seem to have it usual boyish grin. "We will be back late tonight, but don't worry. I have everything set up to notify me if the program gets a hit. Enjoy your stay." With that, Tony was gone.
Steve slowly made his way back to the couch and sunk deep into its cushions. There was at least a little part of Bucky still inside the Winter Soldier. Steve didn't think to ask Tony how long ago the surveillance had been taken at the museum. He would ask him later. Right now he was very emotionally drained. He wanted to talk to Natasha, but she had completely ignored him after she left him in the hotel parking long. He pulled out his phone and tried to call her again. It went straight to voicemail so Steve left a short message, "Natasha, it's me….Look, I'm in New York with Stark and he has a lead on Bucky. I really wish you were here with me now….Anyway, please just call me or something. Ok...I...uh….bye." Steve hung up the phone and sighed in frustration. His eyes fell back on to screen before him. "Where are you?" He mumbled.
Days passed with no hits. Tony was tinkering in his workshop and Steve had no interest in that so he would roam about the city at his leisure and then vent his frustrations out on Tony's state of the art sparring equipment. Steve had taken in the damage to the city during the battle with the Chitauri. Some places were still in need of lots of repairs, but he was amazed at how quickly the city had repaired itself. People were hustling about their days around him as he wandered the streets. He made his way to Time Square and thought back to moments after waking. It was one of the memories fresh in his mind when he had to entertain the idea that he had let Peggy down. It was such a small moment to the people all around him, but it had changed him profoundly. Fury had told him he had been asleep for almost 70 years and his mind has raced in those few seconds and went through several stages of thought. 'I missed our date….Did she wait for me long? Did I break her heart? Did she mourn for me? Is she even alive?' Steve felt a chill run through him and he wasn't entirely sure it was because of the cold wind biting on his back.
Steve made his way back to the Tower and warmed himself up by the fire and lazily read through a few books from Tony's library. He perked up when Tony came out of the elevator.
"You find him?" Steve was hopeful.
"Sorry," Tony shook his head, "Nothing yet."
Steve slumped back into the couch. Tony made his way about the room pulling various things he needed and eyed Steve. "You got cabin fever Cap? There is a whole city out there."
Steve acted like he didn't even hear him, "Have you heard from Natasha?"
Tony shrugged at the question. "A few days ago. Why?"
Steve perked up, "Do you know where she is?"
"Didn't say, she had a few questions about some of my old buyers and some other odds and ends, but we didn't really get into details." Tony studied Steve's body language and his face felt a smirk spreading. "Are you worried about our little old spider?"
Steve shrugged it off, but Tony had already picked up the scent. There was something there. Tony wasn't sure what it was but there was something going on there.
"Natasha can handler herself." Steve forced his shoulders to relax, but he was fuming underneath. Why had Natasha been ignoring him? He was mixed up with emotions. Grieving for Peggy, worried about Bucky, and he had thought there was a small ray of sunshine in that with Natasha, but now it seemed that a dark cloud had moved over that as well. "Thanks for the update." Steve pulled himself up and headed for the gym.
Tony headed back to his workshop and made a call to Natasha.
"What is is Stark?" Natasha's voice was usually cool, but today it was downright icey.
"So, I hope all is well." Tony began, "Hey, quick question. Why is Steve Rogers destroying my gym after I told him I spoke to you a few days ago?"
The line was silent on the other end for a few moments, "Is he alright?" She asked softly.
"Not really sure," Tony replied honestly. "I had a hit on the Winter Soldier from back when you guys had your adventure in DC without me. He showed up at the Museum. Seemed to shake Steve up a bit." Tony moved around his workshop. "He seems really on edge, even for him."
Natasha took a deep breath on the other end.
"Am I sensing something there Missy?" Tony teased.
"Stay out of it Stark." Natasha snapped and hung up.
"Well," Stark snickered to himself, "this is going to be fun." He made a second call and he heard Pepper's voice on the other end.
"Hello handsome," She purred and Tony smiled.
"Hey," He began, "So I got a question to ask you. Rogers and Romanoff?"
"Tony, what are you talking about?" Her voice was full of confusion.
"You know what I am talking about. Do you know anything? Any little details only woman discuss over alcohol and shoes shopping?"
"Does Natasha seem like the shopping type?"
"Far point, but you didn't answer my question. Do you know anything about that?" He felt a plan formulating in his head.
"No, she hasn't said anything to me since they fished him out of the Potomac. That really pushed her seeing him like that, but that's it." He heard her shift her tone, "Tony, if there is anything there you are under my strict instructions to leave it alone. Do you hear me? They don't need anyone else involved with any of that. You do your part with searching for his friend and stay out of the rest."
"Yeah, yeah," Tony smiled to himself, "Sure. Sure. Best behavior."
"I mean it!" Pepper warned. "You better be a boy scout on this!"
"Do I have to wear the outfit?" Tony teased.
"You better if you ever want to see me in any outfit again." Pepper's voice was sultry. "I'll see you tonight."
"Yes ma'am." Tony growled and hung up. He pulled up several screens of information and set to work.
Steve had punched and kicked and slammed everything until his anger had boiled down to a low simmer. Natasha was a grown woman and if she was ignoring him then he thought there must be a reason… he couldn't help but feel like she was leaving him out to dry. He had confided in her and they had connected on a new level. It seemed like an eternity had passed since they had shared that night together, draped in each other's arms to ward off the nightmares. He missed her, and wanted her to hold him and tell him they were going to find Bucky. He wanted to kiss her lips. He wanted her to help his heart to mend. After a hot shower he pulled out his sketchbook and began drawing her face. He wanted to see her.
He had done the same thing after they found him in the ice. It was part of the therapy he had been given to help him ease back into the world around him. He had notebooks filled with images of his former life. Peggy, Bucky, and the shadows of the war. Now that he had adjusted the best he could he tried to move forward. He still had nightmares, but he did not like putting them on paper, he just wanted to forget them. So, now he focused on things that made him happy. He drew for a few hours into the late of the night. He focused on different parts of her face. Her eyes. Her button nose. Her soft lips. He sketched her beautiful curls, her smooth back. He went back and forth through different pages adding details here and there. His hands were black and grey from smudging and caressing the pages, but he didn't care. He finished a portrait of her face and looked at the eyes. He had made them happy. It had helped him to calm down and he was able to not harbor resentment towards her. She would come to him in her own time. He wished she was there for him to hold tightly, but he just leaned back on the bed and eyed his work. Before he knew it he was asleep.
Natasha knew that Steve was upset, it didn't take a genius to figure that out. She felt guilty for ignoring him. She decided to go to New York to talk with Steve. She not only wanted to clear the air about their relationship, but she also wanted to check on him. She still cared for him even if she wasn't going to allow a romantic relationship to happen between them. She slipped in the tower easily and did not wake anyone.
"Hello, Ms. Romanoff," The cool voice met her at the elevator.
"Hi, Jarvis." She leaned against the wall. "Can you take me to Steve?"
"Yes ma'am. Captain Rogers is in the main bedroom suite on the right. Would you like me to announce your arrival?" J.A.R.V.I.S offered.
"No, that won't be necessary." She exited the elevator and made her way across the floor to a set of double doors. She hesitated. Steve was on the other side of that door, the Steve she had kissed. The Steve who wanted to be with her. The Steve who's warm smile made her heart flutter. The Steve who wanted more than a friendship. After she opened that door and said what she came here to say, he would not be that Steve anymore. He would still be that sweet and honorable Steve Rogers that embodies Captain America, but a part of him would hate her. She took a deep breath and opened the door.
The room was spacious and there was a living area and bathroom as well as a bedroom. Natasha wandered towards the bedroom. The door was open and a shallow light was creeping through the crack of the door. She almost called out to Steve until she caught sight of him asleep on the bed. She slipped closer to him. He was lying on his stomach on top of the covers. He wore only pants and his face was turned away from her. His hair was tussled and seemed even lighter in the soft glow of the bedside lamp. Natasha watched his torso rise and fall evenly in sleep. Her eyes wandered over the sculpted muscles of his back. He really was the embodiment of the perfect males specimen. Her eyes fell on the open sketch book next to him. Her breath caught in her chest when she saw her own face staring back at her. She gently lifted the book and examined herself. She wasn't quite sure she could identify the emotion rushing through her body. Steve had drawn her, over and over and over. There were pages of her. It was as if he had memorized her face. She traced the lines with her fingers. It was almost as if she could feel the power of the lines through her fingertips. He had drawn them with such care and tenderness.
A tear dropped and hit the edge of the page before her. She hadn't even realized she was been crying. She cursed under her breathe and quickly wiped the water away, smearing some of the lines slightly.
"Natasha?" Steve's soft voice startled her, feeling as if she had gotten caught with her hand in the cookie jar. He had turned to face her and was squinting against the soft light. She tried to stiffen the sniffle that escaped her but Steve could see she was crying. "What's wrong? Are you ok?" He pulled himself up and reached out for her.
"I...uh…" She felt herself backing away from him. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry." She extended her hand to give him back the sketchbook. She wasn't sure if she could say what she had planned on saying.
"Natasha," Steve pulled the book from her grasp and flung it on the bed. "Please. Is everything ok?" He caressed her arms before she could pull away from him any farther. He watched her face, his hand reaching up to gently wipe the trail of tears from her cheeks.
Natasha battled with herself. She felt like if she allowed him to caress and hold her, he would hate her even more late. She also wanted him to hold her so badly she felt herself being to shiver. She was weak and she hated herself in that moment. A quiet sob escaped her lips as she crashed into him and held him tightly. She buried her head in his chest and clutched him tighter.
"You're shaking!" One of Steve's hands came to rest on the back of her head and the other firmly in the middle of her back. "Can you tell me what's wrong?" Natasha felt fresh tears flood her eyes. She shook her head back and forth against his chest. He was such a good man and she was so angry with herself. How could she hurt him? He was already dealing with so much and she was about to add more to the pile. "Is there anything I can do?" Steve whispered softly.
"You're doing it," the words escaped her lips before she even realized it.
Steve smiled and kissed the top of her head. His hand on her back moved up and down in a slow pace. His fingertips brushed lightly on the exposed skin of her back where her pants and shirt met. It was like fire on her skin. It was the shock that pulled her out of that moment. She pulled back away from him and felt herself being released from the dizzying effect of his embrace.
"Did I do something wrong?" He watched her intently.
"Steve," She huffed, "No." He was always concerned for her. Even in this moment. She forced the anger at herself to rise and clear her desire out of her heart and get back to the matter that brought her there in the first place. "I'm...fine. I'm sorry, that...I don't know where that came from." She moved away from him and took a seat in the armchair next to the bed.
Steve crossed his arms over his chest and stood there silently, not entirely sure how to read her.
"Please, sit down." She wiped her face and collected herself.
"Why do I feel like I am being called to the principal's office?" Steve loosened his arms and sat stiffly on the side of the bed. "What's going on?"
"A lot apparently," She replied. "We have a lot to talk about and I have some things I need to say."
"Ok…"
She licked her lips and forced herself to remember what she had said in her head over and over. "I care about you a lot Steve, more than I can express." She swallowed hard. "I know what happened between us a few weeks ago was not something we expected to happen and I'm not sure we were ready for it. At least, I wasn't ready for it. I told you that night that I am damaged goods and I meant it. I don't say that to be melodramatic, I say it so you understand where this is coming from. I don't handle….emotions...well."
Steve's eyes watched her, but he remained silent.
Natasha continued. "I...even now...I am having a hard time dealing with what I am feeling. I've only ever been taught how to not feel things. I don't want to hurt you. It kills me when you are hurt. Physically or emotionally, it doesn't matter. I barely kept myself together when you were lying in that hospital bed. To know that I would be the one to hurt you is not something I can handle. I think I made a mistake opening up to you that night. I think I let myself be blinded by the idea that you would want me. Instead of thinking it through in my head, I acted quickly and rather embarrassingly I acted on my physical reaction to it…"
"Wait.." Steve interrupted her. "What are you saying?"
Natasha felt a pain in her chest. "I have faith in you Steve, but not in myself. I will end up hurting you one way or the other and if I end it now then it will hurt a lot less and I will be able to live with myself."
Steve scoffed, "I haven't heard from you in weeks. Natasha, I feel like I am going crazy...I have been floundering here on my own...I needed to talk to you….and now you show up in the middle of the night and say 'it's over' before it can really begin? I don't understand what is making you say this…"
Natasha's face crumbled. She wrapped her arms around herself and closed her eyes. "I'm sorry. I am...I never wanted to hurt you. You're a good person Steve. You affect the people around you. You crept into my life in ways I didn't even realize at first. I was a cold and functioning S.H.I.E.L.D. agent and now I can't…I don't even understand why you want me anyway. I am not a good person Steve. I'm not even a whole person. I am broken...Why do you want me?"
The line in Steve's brow had furrowed in confusion before but as she looked at him it slipped away. "You really don't see yourself like I do…" His words were soft and she almost didn't hear him at first. "Natasha, you are a good person. Whether you believe it or not, whether you understand how far you've come. I have watched you do things that would destroy a person yet you are so strong and fierce that you somehow keep going. You're beautiful on the outside yes, but you are also have a beautiful soul…"
Natasha felt a lump in her throat. "I'm not even sure I have a soul anymore…" She whispered.
"I know you do, and I know that it's...damaged, as you put it..but you're a strong woman. You are gorgeous and we both know it, but I would be content to only have your heart. Please don't ask me not to.." He paused, "..care for you. Don't take that from me. I am asking you give me the freedom to risk my own heart."
Natasha wasn't sure what to say.
"Look," He left the bed and knelt in front of her, taking her hands in his. "I know that there are horrors from your past that I wish I could wipe away as easily as I can the tears from your face, but I can't. Those awful things are part of what made you the strong woman you are today. I can't even pretend to being to understand how hard it can be for you sometimes. We said we would take things slowly and we still can. I don't want to pressure you into anything you are not comfortable with, but please don't give up on this because you are scared you will hurt me. Please."
Natasha stared into his eyes. Why was this so hard? The woman she was 10 years ago would never have allowed herself to get into this emotional mess, but she had changed a lot over the past decade.
"Natasha," Steve's voice was soft and warm, "Part of happiness is knowing sadness. You have to know sorrow to truly appreciate happiness. I'm not saying it will be easy, I am saying it will be worth it. Please take a chance on this." Natasha felt new tears forming in her eyes. She closed her eyes and just cleared her head so she could listen to what her heart wanted.
She wanted Steve Rogers with every part of her damaged soul. She opened her eyes and leaned closer to him and brushed her lips lightly on his. "Yes." She uttered breathlessly.
With that one word Steve crushed her mouth with his and kissed her. She allowed all the warmth to wash over her. She kissed him back. He pulled her up with him and held her close. She broke off the kiss and buried her head in his chest.
"I've missed you." He whispered.
"Me too," She felt a smile spread her lips. "I'm sorry I left."
"Where did you go?" Steve's voice seemed small.
She thought for a moment. She wanted to be honest with him and she didn't want to keep any secrets from him, so she told him the truth. "I went looking for Barton."
"Oh," Steve's weight shifted slightly.
Natasha pulled her face up and met Steve's gaze. "I needed some time to figure things out and I needed to talk to someone I trusted. I also wanted to make sure he was ok. He was out in the field when S.H.I.E.L.D. went down and I couldn't leave him hanging."
"Did you find him?" Steve hooked his arms around her back.
"Yeah," She replied.
"Is he alright?" Steve's eyes expressed genuine concern.
"Yeah," Natasha leaned up and kissed him gently. "Are you? Stark told me about Bucky."
Steve huffed out a quick breath. "I'm better now you're here." He leaned down and kissed her, gently at first, then deeper. His hands roamed across her form and she felt her breath catch in her throat.
"Steve," Natasha pulled away slightly. "I thought you wanted to talk?"
Steve smirked and and raised an eyebrow. "No, Natasha. I don't want to talk right now." He leaned in again for a kiss but she stopped his mouth with her hand.
"I bet this place has an amazing shower." She said leading him by the hand towards the bathroom.
"Oh it does!" Steve replied excitedly. "It's huge! It has multiple shower heads!"
"Good." Natasha smiled over her shoulder.
"Oh," Steve gulped as Natasha's jacket dropped to the floor. "Oh." He followed her.
She had turned on the shower and the bathroom began to fill with steam. She kicked off her boots and stopped in front of Steve. She reached her arms out and ran them up his bare chest and let them rest there. "You want to join me?"
Steve cleared his throat and hooked his fingers in the loops on her jeans and pulled her closer to him. "I do."
"Quite the confidence there Captain Rogers." Without her boots on, her head only came to the middle of his chest. She had to stand on the tips of her toes to plant a heated kiss on his lips. Steve scooped her up under her bottom and raised her up to meet him. She wrapped her legs around his torso and Steve moaned. He shifted his kisses to the crock of her neck and down her chest.
Natasha gasped at his touch as she ran her hands through his hair. She leaned back to allow him to continue his trail of kisses. Steve swung her around and sat her down on the counter between the two sinks. She felt the heat of his touch along her sides and as he gently pulled her thin tank top up and over her head. Natasha smiled as her soft curls fell loose from the shirt and draped over her shoulder.
"You are so beautiful." Steve's eyes were roaming over Natasha's perfect form. She was toned and her skin was like porcelain. His eyes stopped when they fell on the scar on her stomach. He gently brought his hand to her stomach and ran his thumb over the scar. Natasha watched him; she could tell he was thinking.
"Hey," She brought her hands to his face and turned him to look at her. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Steve smiled warmly. "Everything is so tangled up...I don't want to think about it right now. I just want to feel you….but, I don't want the first time...we…" Steve almost blushed, "..uh…"
"It's ok to say it you know." Natasha dropped her hands away from his face.
Steve straightened his shoulders. "When we make love for the first time I don't want it to be tainted by other things."
"What do you mean?"
"That's why I didn't want to after Peggy's funeral. I wanted it to be its own memory. It may sound cliché, but I want it to be special…"
"Steve," Natasha sighed, "You really are a romantic aren't you?"
"Is that a bad thing?" He eyed her.
"No," She scooted herself off the counter and made her way to the shower door. She unhooked her bra, dropping it to the floor, and effortlessly peeled her jeans away. She stepped out of the pool of clothes on the floor and watched Steve over her bare shoulder. "I can help you feel things without having sex. I am highly skilled you know." She smiled as she saw Steve's face blush. Natasha entered the shower and allowed the water to stream down her body. She wet her hair and arched her back against the strong jet of water coming from the shower head. She gasped when she felt Steve's strong arms snake around her stomach and his mouth against her shoulder. She turned herself around to face him and brought his face closer to hers, "I guarantee you will enjoy this."
Tony woke up slowly that morning. He groaned in disappointment when he found Pepper had already left. After lounging in bed a little longer he pulled himself up and made his way to the bathroom.
"Good morning, Mr Stark," The cool voice greeted him.
"Good morning, Mr Stark?" Tony mocked, "What's the matter with you Jarvis?"
"You asked me to inform you when Mrs Romanoff arrived…"
"Oh, let her in!" Tony turned on his shower. "Let her know I will be out in a bit."
"Sir," J.A.R.V.I.S explained, "She arrived early this morning."
"How early?" Tony smirked.
"Very early," J.A.R.V.I.S continued, "You were asleep when she arrived and she requested I not wake anyone."
"Uh huh," Tony thought to himself climbing into the shower. "Would I be correct is assuming she is in the suite with Captain Spangles?"
"If you are referring to Captain Rogers, yes. I have also been instructed by Mrs Romanoff to inform you to have inappropriate relations with yourself."
"Are you paraphrasing?" Tony laughed.
"I am sir," J.A.R.V.I.S replied.
"Well," Tony laughed. "It's about time!"
Natasha felt herself slipping from the grasp of sleep. She was lying on her side with the sheets draped over the middle of her body. She smiled when she found Steve's arm was wrapped loosely around her stomach. She could feel his warm breathes on her neck, he was still asleep. She lay still, not wanting to wake him. They had slept very little the night before, and she knew he was tired. She let her mind wander back to the heat of their shared shower the night before.
"What you thinking about?" Steve's scratchy voice startled her.
She smiled and found his eyes cracked open and watching her. "Morning." She rolled over to face him. She leaned and planted a kiss. Steve pulled her closer to him and rolled to hover over her, careful not to allow his full weight to crush her.
"You are so beautiful," Steve smiled and leaned down to kiss her lips. He gently trailed his kisses from her lips down her neck. He smiled when she moaned against his caresses. He slowly began making his way down her body and she was greatly disappointed when she heard Jarvis' voice.
"I am sorry to...interrupt...But Mr. Stark would like to speak to you both."
Natasha let out a frustrated sigh, "Tell him he can wait." She watched Steve hesitate above her.
"I am sorry, but Mr. Stark is attempting to open the door. I am overriding his attempts, but he is very determined." J.A.R.V.I.S was trying to be respectful.
Steve sighed and quickly rolled away. He grabbed his sweat pants from the floor and pulled them on. He went to the bathroom and emerged with a long white robe and handed it to Natasha. "He is really making me angry." Steve's brow was creased as he watched Natasha stand, allowing the sheets to fall away. She saw Steve's face fall slightly as she pulled the robe over her form.
"Steve," She tied a quick knot, "its fine."
"No," Steve began, "He's being disrespectful."
"Well, well," Tony's voice snaked into the room as he opened the set of double doors.
"Mr. Stark, "Steve stepped forward. "This is inappropriate." His voice was sharp and biting.
"Call down, Cap!" Tony raised his hands, "I come in peace. Nice to see you Red." Tony nodded to Natasha.
"What is so important that you couldn't wait?" Natasha shifted her stance and brought her hands to her hips.
"I got a hit." Tony replied quickly, dropping his hands.
"Wait," Steve's demeanor changed instantly. "You mean on Bucky?"
"Yeah," Tony explained. "He's in Dubai."
"Dubai?" Natasha repeated.
"Yeah," Tony sauntered around the room in his usual fashion. "I've had the jet on standby and it will take off as soon as you are ready to go. You can be there in about 20 hours"
"Why is he is in Dubai?" Steve looked to Natasha.
"You sure it's him?" Natasha eyed Tony.
"The computer does not lie," Tony pulled his tablet out and showed them a fuzzy security camera photo of Bucky. "86% match."
Steve took the tablet and saw Bucky's face, unshaven, disheveled. "That's him." He handed the tablet back to Tony and began grabbing clothes. "Thank you."
"I'll get you a hotel when you get there and you can coordinate the search with me here. Now that we know where to focus the search we might get lucky and pin him down when you are on the ground." Tony smiled at Natasha. "You gonna get dressed there Romanoff?"
Natasha eyed Stark. She couldn't put her finger on it, but he was a little too excited about this. She wasn't going to let Steve go alone, so she pushed down her suspicions for the moment and spoke, "We'll be ready in 20 minutes."
"Fantastic!" Tony made his way to leave, but called over his shoulder, "Doubt you have time for a shower."
Natasha wanted to reach out and smack him, but he had shut the doors behind him. "Steve," She turned to speak, but stopped when she saw him frozen, leaning on the dresser. "What is it?" She moved quickly, her arms found his back, he was trembling slightly.
"I uh.." He tried to find the words but he faltered. "It just hit me that we could find him tomorrow...We could find him tomorrow and…" He turned to Natasha. "What if he knows me..what if he doesn't know me? I don't know what we are walking into…"
"Hey," She grasped his hand in hers. "We don't know what to expect, but keep in mind that Dubai is a big place and it might be harder to find him that Stark is letting on."
"What are you saying?" Steve's hands were clutching hers tightly.
"I'm saying, don't let it affect you." She moved closer to him. "You are here, right here with me. Right now. This is the moment," She moved his hand to rest on her chest over her heart. "You are here. We don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, or whenever we find Bucky. Keep yourself grounded. You can't allow it to make you jittery. We have to stay sharp. No matter how much of Bucky, if any, is even left. He is still the Winter Soldier and you barely survived your last encounter."
Steve's shoulders squared. "You're right." He ran a hand down the side of her face, any signs of tremors were gone. He rested his hand on the side of her neck, rubbing his thumb gently across her cheek. He gently kissed her. The kissed was not filled with the desire or urgency of the night before. It was a simple, loving kiss. He pulled away and went back to filling his bag.
They were on their way to the airport within half an hour. They were sitting patiently on the private jet waiting for takeoff. Steve started to get twitchy after an hour.
Natasha snaked her hand into his, "We'll take off soon."
Steve turned to her and took a shallow breath. "I'm glad you're here with me." He pulled her hand to his mouth and laid a gentle kiss on the back.
Natasha smiled warmly. "Can you tell me about him?" She eyed Steve.
"You've read every file right?" Steve looked at her. "You know all about Bucky?"
"I know everything in the S.H.I.E.L.D files, yes." She rubbed his hand with her thumb, "But I want you to tell me about your friend."
Steve sighed, "Well," he seemed to be searching for his words, "how do I explain one of the only people who really cared about me before I became….this." He waved his hand down his body. "You read my file, you know what I was before Project Rebirth. Bucky was my best friend. He cared about what happened to me. He was the kind of person that looked out for the little guy. He was funny, had a wicked sense of humor." Steve smiled as if he were remembering good experiences. "He was always lucky with the ladies, but never took advantage of that. He was always looking out for me…" His voice trailed off.
They felt the jet roll forward, "Looks like we are finally moving." Natasha nudged him softly. "What you thinking about now?"
Steve looked into her eyes, "I keep talking about him in the past tense... Is that Bucky gone?"
Natasha thought for a moment before answering, "I think that you suffered a loss when he died, and even though you know he is alive... breathing... you did in fact lose that Bucky. No matter how much of him is still in there, he is also the Winter Soldier. You can't change that, what happened to him after he fell from that train…" She trailed off when she saw a pained look flash across his face. "Steve," She began, "I don't believe you were responsible for what happened that day…"
"I do…" He interrupted her, and pulled his hand from her grasp. He seemed to fold in on himself slightly and his shoulders shrunk.
"Steve," Natasha shook her head and pulled herself from her seat and crawled into his lap. She placed her hands on his face and made him look at her. "This is going to kill you."
"What will?"
"The guilt," She spoke softly, "This guilt you feel. It will eat at you for the rest of your life. Even if we find him and we are able to help him, you will only ever see the hurt and damage. It will make you feel responsible for all of it."
"I do feel responsible," His eyes began to burn.
"You can't." Natasha hardened her tone. "Listen to me. You can't. You did everything you could to save him. Whatever happened to him after, that was the result of someone else's actions. None of that is your fault." Steve took her hands away from his face and held them. "Whatever happened to him, no matter how awful it was, that was not you."
Steve hung his head, "I don't know if I can just turn that off…"
Natasha thought for a moment. She would have been able to simply shut that part of her off, but that was normal to her. She could shut the door on guilt, and had so many times in her life. After Barton brought her to S.H.I.E.L.D she had changed over the years. She had become a softer person, even if it was only minimal by other's standards, Natasha could see it in herself. Even though she had softened, she could never truly understand how other people felt. That part of her had been beaten and crushed out of her years ago. She licked her lips, "If you can't turn it off, you have to figure out a way to work through it. What can I do?"
Steve studied her for a moment, "Can I get back to you on that?"
She smiled, "Yes, but don't think you can dodge me on this."
"I won't," he showed no signed of sarcasm, "I just need time to think…"
"Ok," Natasha moved to stand, but Steve held her there and pulled her closer to him. He didn't move in for a kiss, he just buried his head in her chest and held her close to him. She smiled and laid her hands on his head.