Alright, Naruto thought, eating a cup of instant ramen as he walked, first goal is to never let a Yamanaka into my head-ever, he concluded
Because of me, the Nine-Tailed fox asked; in her prison, she was lifting a slender foot up and wiggling her toes, intrigued by the new body parts.
Yes and no, Naruto answered, slurping up some noodles as he stepped over Shino's corpse, and a building collapsed somewhere off to his right. Most of the older shinobi wouldn't be surprised if they found you in my mind-it's more the fact that you're a woman that I really don't want to explain to them.
So? the fox tilted her head at a nearby bloodcurdling scream. Simply say I'm a manifestation of your feminine side, she offered.
I thought of that, and it might work, but I'm pretty certain that any manifestation would have clothes at the very least and-it's just something that I don't want to be bothered with.
A jounin of the Leaf just in front of him sliced in two at the waist by an enemy ninja with the symbol of a smiling face. Naruto watched the scene with an irritated sense of indifference as the enemy ninja (from the Hidden Village of Happiness, if he were to make any guesses) charged at him with sword.
Naruto smiled as he a particularly juicy piece of beef in his cup and happily popped in his mouth.
What are doing! the Nine-Tails screamed in panic. If you die, I die! Kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it! it implored him.
Suddenly the enemy ninja was immolated in a plume of searing flame as a Sound ninja appeared. Before Mr. Sound could attempt to murder Naruto (who was frowning forlornly at his cup of now-empty ramen,) a trio of Sand ninja's appeared and murdered the shit out of the ninja who followed Orochimaru.
Letting out a sigh, Naruto tossed the disposable cup into a nearby puddle blood and continued his leisurely stroll, not at all worried of the destruction and death occurring all around him. A kunai sped on a direct course for his head-and at the last moment (without explanation,) Gai appeared, batted the weapon away, and then vanished with no explanation whatsoever.
Where did he come from? the woman in the blonde ninja's head (although it was more technically his stomach) asked. For that matter, where did he go?
"This doesn't make any sense does it?" Naruto asked, absentmindedly flinging a shuriken behind him carelessly-an enemy fell dead with the four-pointed metal star lodged between her eyes. "Konoha was attacked by seemingly every village that exists, with no prior warning or explanation. "What I think happened is that whatever false god is playing with our lives simply wanted a huge battle to happen-never mind the how or why involved-and the best way was having a war start and people to start dying. Hell, I think this is so haphazard, that whoever's in control is simply inventing factions without any thought of why they should. All that matters is that there's a battle."
And the fact that you aren't even the slightest bit of being worried about dying?
"Right now, I'm supposed to be a big damn hero, flinging out super jutsu and using skills that I would suddenly realize that I possessed," Naruto explained, tapping his wrist watch in an attempt to get it unstuck from where it stopped at exactly 11:00. "But I refuse to do that on the principle of having basic dignity and pride, and that's where reality and my actions are coming in conflict
I'm supposed to be the hero, so the god's reality is actively changing things to ensure that I cannot die and reality keeps itself on its set path."
Just then Itachi appeared-for no reason at all-and proceeded to slit Ino's throat.
"See," Naruto observed. "Disregarding the fact of why Akatsuki would even involve themselves in this large of battle, I was supposed to intervene and save Ino at the last possible moment in a badass fashion," Naruto said, waving to the spectacle.
As Ino fell to the ground, making a series of gurgling sounds through her lacerated neck, her eyes were wide as she realized she was dieing. Just then, Tsunade appeared, punched Itachi away, healed Ino, and jumped off as if nothing had happened.
"I didn't save her but she wasn't supposed to die according to the plan that the false god has laid out for this reality, so reality rewrote itself so that Ino survived.
Even I will admit that having reality pander to your whim is useful, the fox-turned-human admitted, thinking of the possibilities that prevented itself.
"It's stupid and it's cheating," Naruto shot back. The Hokage tower suddenly disappeared as a giant snake was kicked into by an equally large toad smoking a pipe. Soon after a really big slug joined the fray-to say nothing of fourteen ninjas plus the six in black cloaks with red clouds (all six of Nagato's alternate bodies were present) on them darting about the fray. "See!" Naruto pointed at the battle. "That doesn't make sense on so many levels! Most of those guys are already dead! "
So how do explain this? Making this battle even grander whatever reason the false god intended? the demon-fox-that-wasn't-really-a-demon asked, examining one of the nine strands of her hair and contrasting the mentally its texture to her faux-chakra-fur that it normally had in its/her demon form.
"I think my refusal to comply with the 'plan' is causing this reality to unravel at the seams," Naruto hedged, not even surprised as every other hokage in the world appeared and joined the battle-including one whose head seemed to simply be a giant stereotypical smiley face. "All that's missing are the-there they are," Naruto said deadpan as the eight other tailed beasts joined in the battle royale.
Naruto and the woman that lived inside of him watched the battle with the same interest that a person might watch an orphan burning: they were fascinated in such a manner where they could not turn away.
Who do you think would win? the Nine-Tails asked in curiosity, scratching behind her head with its hand.
"Can't say since the normal laws of common sense don't apply anymore," Naruto said, not even going to dignify this reality with an attempt at rationalization-he felt that it would offend logic. "And can you pick a pronoun and stick with it?" he asked in annoyance. "This 'it' and 'her' thing is annoying me," he complained. "Same thing with the 'human-fox-woman' deal, too."
Fine, the Nine-Tails complied, folding her arms beneath her breasts. But before she could continue everything stopped.
There was no battle, there was no Konoha-there was no reality as either Naruto or the Nine-Tails had known it. Now all that existed was an infinite expanse of space populated a series of ones and zeroes that flashed by faster than lighting.
What happened?
Naruto blinked, staring around. "I think I broke reality," he said, though not really, as there was no air in which for sound to exist.
Well done, the vixen congratulated. Now what happens, dumbsss?