Author's Note:
Wow, thank you guys for being so supportive about this spin-off!
I'll be updating An Unexpected Reunion on Friday, so before that, here's a new chapter of How to Be Inappropriate!
Please keep in mind that this is short and not meant to be very detailed.
It was around noon when Hidan, Kiyomi and their son, Himaru sat at the dining table, eating seaweed-wrapped riceballs.
Hidan was stuffing his lunch into his mouth while he noticed his son staring intently at his hands."What'cha looking at?" He said as he chewed with his mouth wide open, letting rice land on his chin. Kiyomi muttered something that had to do with manners and reached over her hand, wiping his face for him.
"Daddy," Himaru piped, his big lilac colored eyes sparkled in interest, "I'm wondering if you are a girl."
Hidan nearly choked on the riceball in his mouth, "What?! Is it because I'm sitting here swallowing balls?" Kiyomi smacked him on the arm.
Himaru blinked confusedly, "Uhhh, no, swallowing balls have nothing to do with being a woman."
"Oh really?" Hidan snickered licentiously. He received yet another smack from Kiyomi.
"I said!" Himaru pounded a fist on the table, displeased that his father wasn't being serious, "I said, I think you are a girl because you're wearing nail polish!"
It was Hidan's turn to slam a fist on the surface of the table, rattling the plates, "Listen up, kiddo. I know and seen some goth and emo kids that wear nail polish too. They're cool and I am too. Plus, my leader---" Kiyomi shot him a death glare.
Hidan coughed intentionally before continuing, "Err, I mean, my boss requires us to wear it…to raise our team spirit."
"Ohhh! Is Goddaddy Kakuzu your boss? He asks you to wear some nail polish because you are his whore and he's your pimp? Goddaddy Kakuzu sure does look like a pimp, with all that cash." Himaru nodded his head.
"Hey! Who the fuck taught you about pimps and hoes?!" Hidan snapped angrily.
Himaru stuck out his tongue as his answer, "I think you know. Daddy is also girly because you always look in the mirror and say that you're pretty."
"I do not! I was simply admiring my fine hair, handsome face and eyes. And sometimes my toned abs and spectacular…uh, bellybutton." Hidan retorted. He then tilted his head, reviewing his own words. Wait…he did quite value his extraordinary physical features.
Whatever, not everyone can be narcissistic with the actual amazing assets! His son is just jealous.
Kiyomi giggled, running her fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp, "I do find you quite attractive."
"I sure am." Hidan grinned proudly, pulling her over for a kiss on the cheek. Unconsciously glancing down at his nails, "Argh!" He groaned.
Kiyomi looked up nervously, "What's the matter?"
"Nothing, it's just that the nail polish chipped off…" His voice trailed off into a mutter, blinking at his fingertips, trying his best not to sound too whiney about it.
Kiyomi sighed, taking his hand into hers, examining his flawed nail. "It's not too bad, I can remove it and just simply put a new layer on."
Hidan then noticed her small delicate hands were also painted in the faintest shade of coral pink. He smiled, "I didn't know you do your nails too. We kind of match."
She blushed as he stroked the back of her hand with his rough finger. So he had paid attentions to her details! "I don't often. I do chores and cook, so they chip off easily---but I do have a collection of nail polish. And I just might have your color."
To be honest, she would never have purchased the bottle of dark forest green nail polish named 'Evergreen' if it weren't for Hidan---just in cased for situations like this.
Hidan grinned in appreciation, "Good for you, sweetcheeks."
"I'll go get my kit." She said before hurrying to the bedroom.
"I'm not a woman." Hidan hissed to his son.
Himaru stuck out his tongue again, "Sissy."
"I'm NOT." Hidan insisted, clenching his fists. He wondered why he was having this pointless debate with his seven year old son.
"But you even have your toenails painted." He pointed his finger under the table.
"It's the rules at work. I mean, some of my co-workers have purple! Like Deidara and Itachi."
"Ohh, are they whores too?" Himaru clapped his hands excitedly.
His father closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, "No, nobody is a whore. Stop talking about pimps and hoes for one second, please. You're seven."
"And you're girly."
Hidan shook his head, "Well, you should meet Deidara. You'll think he's a girl. I'm too masculine to even channel feminine. Sheesh." He did not want to continue this idiotic argument with him. It was a good thing Kiyomi reappeared to the kitchen moments later.
"Err…sweetcheeks, do you mind also removing the polish on my toes? According to our son, it's too whorish!"
Himaru's jaw dropped open, "No, mama! Daddy's a tattletale." He kicked his father's limb under the table, whispering mischievously, "And a girl."
Hidan glared at him in disbelief, then turned to face Kiyomi, his voice much more kindred, "Whatever. Please do whatever you gotta do, sweetcheeks." He then bowed his head politely, receiving an amused smile from her. At the same time, Hidan stepped on his son's foot, flashing him a triumphant grin as Kiyomi uncapped a bottle of transparent nail polish.
"Why the invisible color?" Hidan asked as she carefully brushed on a layer.
"The base color protects your nails." Kiyomi concisely explained with a smile.
"Konan never does that." Hidan mumbled.
Kiyomi stopped for a moment before continuing, her fingers trembling.
He had a female co-worker? How come he didn't mention that before? He even lets her paint his nails? Who was this 'Konan' to him?
Jealousy raced through her veins, as her hands' grip became tighter.
"Konan's just a friend, no worries. And she paints everyone's nails because that's one of her tasks." Hidan leaned over to kiss her forehead, "She's fucking my boss anyways."
Kiyomi huffed, continuing to do his nails. Her grip, however, softened.
"Mama, can I make your toenails pretty too?" Little Himaru pleaded, blinking his big violet eyes.
"Sure, honey." She agreed with a nod.
Hidan studied his Sweetcheeks' face as she focused on fixing his chipped nail polish. She was so concentrated and her brown eyes were flickering in almost…satisfactory. She was obviously having a good time helping him out with some 'malfunction'. So cute. He stroked his rough thumb on her smooth hand. She didn't look up, but smiled.
A few minutes later, Kiyomi capped the bottle back up and let go of his hand, "There!"
Hidan examined his freshly-coated nails and exclaimed, "Heck, you're so much gifted than Konan! She's only good at origami."
She blinked down at the ground, clearly upset that he mentioned 'that woman' again.
"She is!" Hidan insisted, "Not like you. You're good with nail-polish, cooking, chores, teaching manners and reading, and also good in bed! You're the best, sweetcheeks."
Looking up at him, he noticed that her cheeks were flushing pink.
"I am?" She pursed her lips, still self-conscious.
A toothy grin spread across Hidan's face, "Of cour---"
"Duh! Mama's the best! What does it take for you to understand, Daddy? How dare you compare her to other women!" Himaru interrupted and hugged his mother's waist from underneath the table, letting her burst out in laughter. "Mama, I'm done! Look at your toes! Yay, it's sooo pretty."
Kiyomi bent down so she could look at her toes and beamed, "Oh, Himaru! That's a beautiful color you picked out. I love it." Her son had chose a color called 'Flamingo Paradise', which was only slightly more light pink than her coral nails.
"Hmph." Hidan pouted aside, hating the fact that both his son and his lover were not giving him enough attention.
Sneaking into his Daddy and Mama's bedroom after making sure they were both asleep, Himaru took out the one bottle of nail polish he had previously stolen from Mama's kit earlier. It was called 'Pretty in Neon Pink', which was sooo pretty! It was a shade of hot pink, like on of his highlighters in his bunny pencilcase!
It was also a popular color because he had seen a whore at that lame brothel wearing it too. And since Daddy screwed a hoe, he should deserve looking just as 'pretty' as one!
Plus, Mama had baby pink nail polish on her toes; so they match!
Mimicking the way Mama had painted Daddy's nails, Himaru concentrated completely on applying the tiny brush onto Daddy's toenails.
"Nom, nom. Riceballs… "Hidan mumbled in his sleep, his toes wiggling. Himaru clucked his tongue as he finished painting one foot and continued on with the other.
He wondered why Daddy dreamt of balls?
"Ta-da!" Himaru cheered in a whisper, admiring what he had just done. Once his prank mission was accomplished, he tip-toed out the door.
Mwahahaha! Maybe Goddaddy Kakuzu the pimp will actually admire Daddy's now hot pink toenails tomorrow. It sure is a masterpiece!
A/N:
I know, rather short.
But I still hope it cracked a smile on a few of your faces!
Imaginary Jashin rosaries for those who review!