Hi Everyone.
Planning on updating quite quickly as I have quite a bit written and floating about on a USB stick.
I still own nothing, things start to get quite dark, mentioning abuse and domination. You have been warned!
I hope you enjoy.
When her father came to wake her the following morning, he still had to move around a debris strewn room, one that was quite cold as the smashed window was still devoid of glass. Henry had insisted he would wake his daughter, that no maids were to enter her rooms, and any meals would be taken in the dining hall rather than her room for the whole day.
He knew Regina was strong, but he was still worried that she didn't move when he opened the door and even when he was stood over her she failed to stir. Thankfully the Royal Guard were reasonably competent and Henry didn't need to fear an intruder would have been able to scale their way into the tower and attack his practically comatose daughter. It wasn't her safety for the night that was in question, however Henry had still spent a restless night wondering what had caused the complete breakdown he could obviously see had taken place.
He had therefore done the only thing he could think of and kept everyone out of his daughter's private rooms. He would be the only one to see and know of the destruction and complete loss of control she had exhibited. He knew she had done this, that no-one else had been present. He had felt the familiar after effects of burnt out magic in the room even hours after Regina had stopped using it. It held his daughters scent, a familiar crackle to the air. He just didn't know what had pushed her to behave like that. He knew she was teetering on a knife edge, he had been witness to increasingly erratic behaviour, the words she spoke to him becoming harsher as she lost more and more of herself to the darkness. He only hoped this snap would make her better rather than worse. He could only wait and see and took a deep breath, not knowing what response he would get but knowing this had to be done.
As he reached out a hand to shake the brunette he noticed she had burrowed deep into the bed, glad she had several layers of blankets on her bed to keep the chill from her. He cautiously managed to get a hand on a bare shoulder before she turned away from him and snuggled closer into the blankets, "Cold hand" she muttered, "Go away" which released all of the tension he had been holding onto overnight and he let himself laugh.
Regina recognised the laughter as it pulled her from her sleep, but still scowled at him,
"You would laugh at your Queen?" She snapped as she pulled the blankets up her body and allowed space for her father to sit on the bed with her.
"Regina," He swept her messy hair away from her forehead and noticed her face was still covered in dust and dirt from the previous night, "You don't look much like a Queen at the moment" he thought for a few seconds, "And I hope I can always laugh with you, my daughter, there is a difference."
"Oh Father" and she buried her face in his shoulder, breathing in his familiar scent, taking comfort from the feel of his arms wrapped round her small frame.
"How do you feel?" He pushed her away to look into her eyes, seeing dark circles and bloodshot radiating through the whites.
"Tired. But I'll live, I've been through worse."
Her father bowed his head at that comment, he knew it was true, he had witnessed his own wife inflict some of it.
"Are you hungry?" He asked gently.
Regina realised she was actually starving, but more than that, she was very dehydrated. "Can you bring me a glass of water?"
Her father rose and bowed, returning moments later with a glass. Regina greedily took it from him and drank deeply, licking her dry lips before giving him back the empty vessel.
"I took the liberty of giving your maid the day off, and breakfast will be served in the main hall." Her Father indicated the state of the room, "I'm sure things will be back to normal tomorrow."
He stood then, "I will take my leave of you, and meet you downstairs for breakfast." He leaned forward and pressed his lips against her temple, "Wash up and come and eat, leave this until later, once you have some food inside you to sustain you." Then he was leaving the room, weaving through bits of ceiling and chunks of wood that used to be furniture.
Regina leaned back, she was still exhausted, she could probably let sleep take her again, but she couldn't leave the room like this. She had duties to perform and she couldn't miss eating as that would start rumours about her health and turn inquisitive eyes to further study her. She wasn't in a fit state to be questioned, she was likely to lose her temper, so she needed to carry on as if everything was normal.
She slipped her legs out of the cover and immediately magicked slippers to her feet, the floor was littered with broken bits and pieces, she didn't need to step on something and waste more energy having to heal herself. She crossed to her bathroom, where a bowl was was there for washing. She waved her hand and the bowl filled with water. She looked up into the mirror to see the dark, sooty marks that marred her features. She had a gash on her forehead, it wasn't bad, but the blood had dried and was crusty, dribbling down her into her eyebrow in a rusty line. Her hair held many white flecks of ceiling and paint, standing out starkly against her dark hair and she ran her hand back through dislodging as much as she could. She carefully washed her face, rubbing the cloth gingerly over the cut and bruises she was finding. She brushed her hair and styled it up and out of the way of her face. If she wasn't washing it, she didn't want it in her way and to be continually touching it. She'd wash it later, when she had a bath and properly checked her body for abrasions, now was about appearances and continuing to seem impervious. She pressed her fingers to her forehead and healed the gash, she cleared the bloodshot form her eyes in the same way, hiding any other flaws behind a case of makeup which was also applied with a flick of her hand.
She exited the bathing room and dropping her gown from her body she pulled on some leather pants and a button up jacket with high collar. It was comfortable and less corseted, she needed to give her body as much rest and relaxation as she could. She was still so very tired, but after eating Regina felt sure she'd manage to get through the day. Leaving her room she cast a spell on the door so that no-one could enter, keeping her secret breakdown safe. She would rectify the room later in the day, she walked stiffly down the corridor towards breakfast with her father and the daily meetings she had scheduled.
By day Regina ruled as was the norm, but at night she studied her Mother's books and any others she found that mentioned her goal. Exhausted she would fall into bed, she had fixed her bedchamber with magic, it looked exactly as it had before, only Regina and her Father knew the extent of her breakdown and the destruction it had caused.
Before her breakdown she had always lain awake, her mind spinning with ideas for vengeance, her anger always standing between her and relaxation so she failed to slip into sleep. Now she laid down, her body feeling heavy and her mind would flash back to the past. She was becoming far too introspective and often found she would cry herself to sleep thinking of Daniel, the young girl she had been, her reign and how single mindedly ruthless her actions had been.
When faced with the truth of her behaviour, when the anger was stripped away from her actions, she began to understand they looked to an outsider as and might even have been, extreme. She had known they referred to her as The Evil Queen, and before it had never bothered her, she was driven by the need for vengeance and how she was perceived didn't matter as long as she attained that goal. Now she realised that she ruled with fear and destruction, she was less a monarch and more a dictator. She had lost her sense of self and was now stood looking in a mirror at a clone of her Mother. The tears were as much for herself and who she had become, who she had been made to become.
Maybe it was spending time in her Mother's old quarters, and reading her tight and flowing script for the last few days, but Regina couldn't help but compare herself and her actions. The use of magic to punish and cause pain, the need to be in control and not be questioned. To dominate through fear and to disregard anyone else as insignificant, even her own Father had been subjugated to her withering criticisms. She had sworn she would never become that person, having received years of abuse at those hands, and yet she realised with a dawning sense of horror that she was just like that.
Whatever motivated her, and The Queen did know enough about what had motivated her, she had allowed those feelings to engulf her and she had to find a way to live with herself. She could justify much of what she had done, the peasants she had killed had been committing treason, incompetence and failure from her staff were not to be tolerated, punishment was expected. It meant her staff operated at the highest levels in productivity and efficiency, it made good business sense. But some of her actions caused a heavy weight to settle in her stomach and it wouldn't leave. She was sure it was guilt, something she had rarely felt in years. She had built her walls, locked all emotions away. Now this one and several others gnawed at her, especially late at night when only the dark kept her company.
She had known fear and domination herself, and she buried those feelings as weakness. She had been in a marriage where she lacked control and vowed to herself she would never be in that situation again. She knew loss and sadness, but had buried those feelings too. And now the past seemed to refuse to stay buried, her repressed emotions were leaking out more and more, and late at night she was left with no choice but to sort through them and sob, until her body finally gave in to sleep where her dreams were tormented and filled with the darkness tearing from her heart.
Slowly, as the days turned into weeks after she had so nearly sacrificed her Father's life, she began to change. Subtle little things, but Regina knew she had the ability to and was changing. Orders were not barked at staff, failure wasn't meet with instant death, but exile or a trip to the dungeon. She stopped chasing any rumour of Snow White and her Bandits, stopped leaving the castle all together. With each night the Queen spent living with her nightmares and accepting her past, she would wake up feeling exhausted from crying, but able to hold her head up a little higher. She was still acerbic and angry, her temper had always been short, but reason began to seep into her.
With Rumpelstiltskin locked up and no longer able to tell her she wasn't good enough, or that this plan would fail, or to goad her into thinking about nothing but Snow White, her Prince, and their sickenly sweet happy ending, she felt something she hadn't felt in a long time. She felt hope. She was in control, and she could do this, she had confidence in her own abilities. This could work, it could solve her lack of happy ending, and she hadn't had to make a deal to secure it.
Regina was bored, she had lost all interest in the conversation going on in front of her. She was in her council chambers, a boring and tedious meeting. She let her mind wander to what she had learned. Her reading and research had bought to her the realisation there were twelve planes of existence.
She needed the right twelve substances that were common in all planes, that is what would open the Tower to her. Thankfully the books did tell her what substances they were, so she wouldn't have to discover this, she would just have to gather them. She would have already guessed about the 4 elemental forces, Earth, Fire, Wind and Water.
Wood and Metal were also central to alchemy and magic, to building and growing from nature, linked to the 4 elemental forces strongly. These were also not hard to come by for which Regina was thankful.
Blood and tears were required, because apparently nothing in life would ever be easy. Pain and suffering would appear to be a constant in the twelve planes too. She had let out a bitter bark of laughter when she read that. She would use her own, she wanted the Tower to open to her and to find her true love, not someone else's, she wouldn't risk something going wrong with this. She wasn't sure this was her last chance, but she hoped it would be the final test she would have to go through before finding her own Happy Ending.
The other 4 substances were a little harder, vague and open to interpretation. There was light, darkness, heart or spirit and storm. She was still struggling with them, mulling them over in her mind.
Regina had been busy and had 7 vials already, she had used wood from her apple tree, she had a few drops of her blood, her tears. She had taken a pure metal, silver, a link from one of her necklaces. Earth was a rock from her gardens and she had returned to her childhood home to take water from a stream and capture a meadow breeze where she grew up riding Rocinante. She would create her own fire and needed to think about the other 4 items, doing further research without having to ask Rumpelstiltskin. It might have been better if she hadn't upset Maleficent about the curse, she could really do with a magical friend to ask and consult. But the past couldn't be changed, Regina accepted she was on her own and took another book from the shelf, blowing dust from the cover and trying not to touch the fragile pages too much, she was pretty sure the ink was written on skin and her own crawled just a little at the thought.
She also had a spell to write, to instruct the Tower to find her True Loves, ingredients to find for that that needed to be dried and ground into dust, she had much to do. She had always been able to organise and was thankful for the hours her Mother had spent instilling in her order and always spending time planning.
Her Mother had believed in taking time, constructing elaborate designs, plans that could take years to come to fruition, and most importantly she had taught Regina things couldn't be rushed. Unless of course it was Regina learning how to do something, then her Mother seemed to have no patience at all. But Regina wasn't going to waste anymore time thinking about her childhood and her Mother. She scanned the book and slammed it shut, hoping the vicious action and resounding smack she heard would de-rail her thoughts and clear her head, focusing her on the task at hand.
It only partially worked, as Regina thought how she had never hated the crown as much as she did now. Her Mother had pushed her into this, she had put up with a nauseatingly naïve and spoilt step daughter, an empty marriage, and now she had got rid of those three problems, she still had no time for herself as the Kingdom needed to be ruled, order maintained, borders defended. She was exhausted and she didn't know when she would get time to collect the items she needed. Despite her many faults, she was not an irresponsible ruler who just left her throne on a personal whim. She knew this was a responsibility and she felt tied to it, like it weighted her down. It was in part what made her so angry when she found whole villages revolting against her. She gave her time to maintain order, she had spent hours learning skills in crop forecasts, financial matters, battle plans and military terms so her army was strong.
She had personally struggled to be a knowledgeable ruler and her own subjects were so ungrateful. She had started to question why she had fought so hard for it, why she continued to deny the bandits and especially Snow White and Prince Charming their claim. Would it not just be easier to stop all of this bitterness and anger?
However deep in her heart Regina knew she could never just walk away. Changes in Monarch were never civilised, they involved coups, bloodshed, usually the death in one way of another of the reigning party, and she didn't particularly want to die. She couldn't just walk away and expect leniency, she would be hunted for perceived crimes and held to account for her actions. She would be made to suffer, and more importantly, anyone who had been loyal to her, and there were guards, servants, her Father, who would all suffer exile or be included in her punishment. And those people did not deserve that, they had been loyal to her, they had followed orders and she knew she would never sleep again if she blatantly turned her back on them.
With a rueful smile she thought that if she had cast the dark curse all these outcomes would have all become insignificant, but she wasn't going to do that, however tired she might be, she would endure. Casting the curse wasn't an option, she was resolute in her desire to find another way.
Endurance, she mused. It was, after all, what she seemed to do best, she just coped and dealt with whatever next hurdle life seemed to throw at her. She seemed to spend her life waiting patiently for her chance. Or not so patiently, as Regina thought back to some of the actions she had undertaken.
At some point she would get to be happy, for it to be her time, rather than watching everyone else laughing and smiling and rubbing her face in their joy. Regina felt this could be her time, so she put her politicians smile back on and turned her focus back to the meeting she was the head of. Her councillors were still discussing something between themselves, she quickly called them to order and onto the next point, she did after all, have a potion to make.