A Pink Time-Problem

by Milky Boy Blue

In the far future, a dangerous prisoner was put away for eternity for his ties to a demented cult whose goal was to hasten the end of the universe and benefit from the chaos. Now that prisoner has escaped. Considering the danger to all of reality, a time-wide manhunt is declared. When he is headed is uncertain. Where is going is clear: the town of Gravity Falls.

2. Chapter 2

"You don't seem very surprised to see us," Dundgren commented to the twins as Lolph glared at Mabel and Commander Axel glared at everyone.

"Yeah, well," said Dipper with a shrug. "Time froze so it was either you guys or Blendin."

"Blendin Blandin is a wanted fugitive for his role in the then temporary death of Time Baby and the temporal whiplash received by several of our operatives when their holo-projections were destroyed," snapped Axel, focusing her gaze on Dipper. "If you know when he is you should tell us immediately or sooner."

"That whiplash really was intense," grunted Lolph, rubbing his temples as Dundgren nodded in agreement. "I was thinking backwards for a week."

"Temporary death?" muttered Wendy. "Dipper, who are these guys?"

"These guys are Lolph and Dundgren," explained Mabel. "They're time police. No idea who this is, though," she said nodding to the scarred, glowering woman who stood between them.

"I am Commander Axel," said Commander Axel. "And we're here to warn you of a serious threat from the future that seeks to destroy you."

"Destroy us?" asked Mabel, motioning to herself and her brother. "Why, what did we do? If we haven't done it yet, I demand a lawyer and that that lawyer be Waddles! He looks so cute in a suit that the jury will have to support us."

"I have no idea who Waddles is but I think I hate him," said Axel, evoking a gasp from Mabel. "And no, this threat is not just to you, Mabel and Dipper Pines, but to many other individuals of this time period and location. Including you, Wendy Corduroy," she said, looking the tall redhead up and down and giving the impression that she approved of what she saw. Axel then turned to Robbie and that approval disappeared immediately. "And to you too - er, hang on." Axel slid the door closed and the teens heard brief whisperings from the other side before she slid it open again. "And to you too, Fred."

"It's Robbie!"

"I just said that," whispered Axel in a tone that suggested he should never correct her again.

"The zodiac," said Dipper, thinking about what the four of them had in common. "This is a threat to everyone in the zodiac."

"Wait, you mean that weird circle thing?" asked Robbie as Axel nodded and Lolph and Dundgren looked slightly impressed that he had realised it so quickly.

"Grunkles!" gasped Mabel in concern. "Soos and our friends!"

"Yes, they are also in danger," Said Axel. "Step out of the van."

"Do we need to come with you if we want to live?" asked Dipper his eyes sparkling with anticipation.

"No, I just think it's awkward talking to you all while you're inside of a vehicle," said Axel, stepping aside to let them out. "Also, it's quite nice out and you look like you could use more sun, you pasty, pasty child."

Dipper frowned but followed the others out of the van. They looked at the frozen world around them, strangely silent now that there was no movement to create sound. Dipper in particular marvelled at what he saw. As a photographer, he admired the beauty of the still image, enjoying the vision of a world that had been captured in an instant that could last forever. He briefly considered taking out his camera and taking shots that most photographer could only manage with great patience and preparation with the fastest of high-tech cameras. He looked back at the three from the future and decided against it. Something told him they wouldn't approve of any pictures he took while they were on a mission.

"So what is this threat from the future?" Wendy asked. "And why have you come to us? Wouldn't it be better to freeze time when all the zodiac people are together and tell us all at once or something?"

"That would have been ideal," said Lolph, finally turning his attention away from Mabel to address her. "However, the damage that Bill Cipher did to the flow of time during Weirdmageddon has still not fully healed, creating a temporal storm that makes it hard for us to observe you and even harder for us to time-travel in. Luckily, we found this brief time period that was stable enough for us to enter. We're not sure how long this last, could be seconds or hours, so we have taken the precaution of freezing time to make the most of it and deliver our warning."

"Wait, I thought Time Baby was the master of time or whatevs," said Mabel, turning her head to the side quizzically. "Couldn't Time Baby just wave his cute giant fist and fix the timestream? By the way, how is that big ol' Time Baby doing?"

"He's dead." grunted Axel, making Dipper and Mabel gasp. "For now, anyway"

"Wait, you mean that giant baby that Bill zapped?" asked Robbie. "Well, yeah, no duh he's dead."

"But-" Dipper hesitated as he considered his words and how to avoid revealing that Blendin Blandin had escaped to the Wild West and sent them a secret message about Time Baby's eventual return. "But Blendin told us - right before he disappeared, I mean - he said that Time Baby would come back after a thousand years!"

"And boy was he cranky," agreed Dundgren. "Yes, Time Baby did come back a thousand years in your future. But when he reconstituted his molecules he went on a rampage that awoke the giant robots of Mt. Rushmore and in the ensuing battle they destroyed the rampaging Time Baby and the world."

"Huh," said Dipper, as a memory resurfaced. "That mailbox was right all along."

"Wait," said Wendy, who was beginning to have a headache from the thoughts of time-travel and suspected it would only get worse. "So how come you guys are still from the future if the planet was destroyed?"

"Well, during the war, the massive flames from the burning continents finally caused Time Baby's glacier to melt," continued Dundgren. "Ironically, the robots that had been designed to destroy him in the first place actually helped cause his release and were so badly damaged from destroying the future Time Baby from the past that they were unable to put up any resistance against younger Time Baby from the present. So he destroyed them all and used their parts to create his hover-pen. Then he restored the world and all of its people using his time-manipulation powers and began his supreme rule of all future time...until he was destroyed all those thousands of years ago last year and then was killed a thousand years later, perhaps for good that time, which led to his awakening and thus the start of his rule of the future that lasted until last year. Understand?"

"No," said Wendy rubbing her head as Robbie started to go cross-eyed.

"Stable time-loop," explained Dipper. "Right now, there is a giant time-manipulating baby trapped in an Antarctic glacier and there are four giant robots in Mt. Rushmore that were designed to destroy him. But in a thousand years, Time Baby wakes up and takes over the planet. Eventually, Time Baby will go back in time to fight Bill and stop Weirdmageddon since Bill would have destroyed the future too, but then Bill zaps him. Time Baby goes into a, well, we'll call it a coma. Wakes up in 3012 and goes crazy, destroying the world. The giant robots that were built to stop Time Baby switch on and defeat him, but also burn the planet or whatever. But since Time Baby is still in the glaciers, he wakes up now that the planet is hot enough and destroys the robots that just killed him, meaning there's no one who can stop his rule until thousands of years down the line when he travels backwards to fight Bill." Seeing the confusion that was still on Wendy and Robbie's face he sighed and thought for a moment. "It's like Terminator," he said eventually. "The first two I mean," he added hastily.

"Oh, now I get!" said Robbie. He turned to the time police. "Why couldn't you just lead with that?"

Wendy punched Dipper on the shoulder. "See? Told you you're a good tutor!"

"Are they mocking our time-profession?" asked Axel, furrowing her brow.

"I can't tell," said Lolph, honestly. "Remember, these people were born during the nineties and thus are the worst generation ever."

"Hey, as someone technically born in the nineties, I resent that, Lolphy!" Mabel said defensively.

The tall man turned to her, his face a mask of resentment. "Don't you dare call me that after you used me, Gam Gam!" he cried. "What would Gamps Gamps say?" His lip trembled and he turned away from her as Dundgren put a sympathetic hand on his friend's shoulder. "What would Gamps Gamps say?" he whispered again, his voice shaky with the pain of betrayal.

"Uh, is he okay?" asked Robbie as the others stared.

"Wait, should you be telling us about the future?" Dipper asked Axel. "Isn't that illegal or something?"

The Commander gave a dismissive snort. "As if anything any of you do will matter in the grand scheme of things! Besides, this unstable time zone we're in only extends to the area of Gravity Falls. If anyone tries to disrupt the events that lead to the beginning/end of Time Baby's rule outside of that, we will come down on them with the full force of the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron." Axel leaned close to Dipper, the boy sweating even more than usual as she got too close for comfort. "Why?" she asked suspiciously. "Were you planning something?"

"Uh-no," said Dipper honestly but swallowing nervously at the look in her eyes. "So, uh, you were here to warn us about something?" he asked.

"There is a dangerous criminal after you," said Axel, standing up straight and regarding them all again, much to Dipper's relief. "We locked him the Infinetentiary - our super time-prison - for all of eternity. However, he escaped and broke into our headquarters where he stole several pieces of equipment and then traveled back in time. We have no idea when, as we said before time is difficult to navigate through when it comes to this area and period. We came back as early as we could to warn you all." She reached into one of the pockets of her belt and pulled out several pieces of paper, handing several to each of the teens. "We have created wanted posters to help you identify him," she explained. "Phillip Pink is extremely dangerous and-"

"His last name is Pink?" snorted Robbie as the others looked at the mugshot of a handsome man with stylised ginger hair, Mabel lingering on the picture longer than the rest.

"Yes, I just said that," hissed Axel angrily. "Are you deaf or are you just stupid? Either way, I will now yell at you because that is the best solution. HIS NAME IS PHILLIP PINK! I DO NOT LIKE YOU! IF YOU ARE DEAF, THAT IS NOT WHY I DO NOT LIKE YOU!"

"I think Pink's a nice name," commented Mabel. "And should you really judge others if your middle name's Stacey?"

Robbie glared at her then moved the glare to Dipper and Wendy who were sniggering . "At least it's better than Blerble!" he snapped, but Wendy and Dipper both gave dismissive snorts at this, turning his sour mood even worse.

"Anyway, forget the name, check out that face!" said Mabel, her eyebrows jumping up and down. "Mabel like! He's got pretty nice hair too!" She showed it to Dipper. "Why don't you get something like this? Help you out with the ladies!"

Dipper pushed the poster out of his face and glared at her. "Mabel, have you read this thing? He's a terrorist! And there's nothing wrong with my hair."

"Yes, there is," said Axel as Lolph and Dundgren nodded. "It needs a wash. One day someone will invent something called a shower. When they do, you should use it."

"Preaching to the choir here, lady," said Mabel, folding several of the wanted posters and putting them in her pocket. "I'm gonna keep these for later. Maybe add one to my wall."

"Mabel, he's a grown man," said Wendy as Dipper and Robbie groaned. "He's old enough to be your dad!"

"Incorrect," said Lolph, "He's technically not been born yet and as such is too young to be your dad. But he does have his own kid. She's what? Seventeen? Eighteen?"

"Something like that," said Dundgren, shaking his head sadly. "Pink was devoted to his wife and kid. They meant the universe to him. Some of us think that's why he went bad: hoped that he could change the timeline so his wife wouldn't divorce him. Desperation can make good men do stupid things."

"Regardless of why he did it, while this man is on the loose you are all in grave danger," said Axel. "And by grave danger, I mean that he wants to kill you and put you in your graves."

"Yeah, we guessed that," said Robbie with a roll of his eyes.

"Oh, you think you're so smart, is that it?" snapped Axel, taking several steps towards him until Lolph and Dundgren both took hold of her and pulled her back. "You think you're some tough guy? Huh? When I'm from you're already dead! DEAD!"

"Woah, that lady has issues," said Mabel as Robbie took an alarmed step back and Wendy pushed the younger girl and her brother away from the enraged woman. "Are we sure she's not the one we should watch out for?"

Commander Axel shook her colleagues off and brushed at her armour in frustration. "I'm fine!" she snapped. "I'm fine!" She cleared her throat and took several deep breaths. "Sorry," she said eventually, the word seeming to give her pain. "Look, Pink is a serious threat. He used to be one of us - one of TPAES before we found the evidence that put him away. But somehow, don't ask me how, he escaped and then broke into our headquarters and stole a bunch of equipment from the armoury. That means he's got access to time-travel equipment and future weapons as well training that is literally thousands of years ahead of what you have today."

"I can figure out what most of what his equipment is," said Wendy who had skim-read the poster, knowing that Dipper would read it more thoroughly for her, "But what's a chrono-flage suit?"

"It's like camouflage, except it can work way better," explained DIpper. "Blendin had one and used it to, well, blend in. Except he could never get it to work right and it never hid his face and hands anyway."

"So if you see any hands or a hot guy's face floating around, just hit them with your axe or guitar," Mabel suggested to Wendy and Robbie.

"That won't work," snapped Lolph. "Blendin was an idiot and terrible at everything, especially his job. Pink was actually good at his job and knows how to use all of the equipment listed there."

"Okay," said Wendy slowly. "So he broke out of super future jail and then broke into the police station to steal your guns and junk. That sounds pretty risky, even for someone as tough as you're making him out to be. Why go to all this trouble to kill us? What did we do?"

"It's not what you did, it's what they believe you could do," said Dundgren, pressing a button on his wrist gauntlet to bring up a holographic display that made the teens step back. They gazed the familiar symbol of the zodiac, the circle of ten symbols surrounding the image of Bill Cipher, but this image showed each of the symbols crossed out. As they watched, the image appeared again and again, each one on a different background. With each change, the order of the symbols differed, sometimes the symbols were neater or messier, some showed Cipher with hands aflame or with an eye narrowed in rage, but each with the zodiac symbols vandalised in some way. They quickly realised that they were looking at images of paintings or graffiti left at several places. "This is the symbol of the Cipher Cult," explained Dundgren as Lolph and Axel glared at the images.

"Cipher Cult?" repeated Mabel in a horrified whisper.

"Somebody made a religion based around that maniac?" said Wendy incredulously. "Who'd be crazy enough to worship him? He almost destroyed the universe!"

"You've answered your own question," said Lolph. "There are plenty of crazy people out there."

"They aren't all crazy," corrected Axel quietly. "They had plenty of members who were decent people but were just desperate and got in too deep."

"So what does this cult want?" asked Dipper. "The zodiac didn't do anything! Bill burned it before we could even figure out what it could do."

"The Cipher Cult believe that if they kill the members of the zodiac then it will bring Bill Cipher back," said Axel.

"What!?" cried the teens together.

"Why the hell would they want to him back?"

"They're wrong! If that were true he'd already have returned in the future!"

"All he wanted was to destroy everything! Who's insane enough to want that?"

"Listen," said Lolph putting his hands up to settle them. "You're right, if any of your deaths would bring Bill Cipher back then his return would have happened thousands of years ago by our time. And as for why - well that's a bit more complicated."

"Future society has changed now that Time Baby is no longer the ruler of Earth," explained Dundgren. "Earth has never been a key player in the galaxy. But now that Time Baby has gone, we've lost our greatest asset."

"Like if Japan lost Godzilla!" said Mabel helpfully.

"That's...a surprisingly good comparison," said Dundgren.

"Wait, you know about Godzilla in the future?" asked Wendy.

"Some things will never die," stated Lolph. "Monster-Mon. Godzilla. Disney. The great, unflinching force that destroys anything that dares challenge it."

"Godzilla or Disney?"

"Don't answer that!" hissed Axel. "Do you want to get sued? Look, after Time Baby was defeated we had no idea of telling when he'd be back or how long it would take him to reassemble himself or if he's even coming back at all. It's a very complicated thing that even our greatest scientists are still working on. The only reason Earth hasn't been conquered yet is because nobody really thinks we're worth it and the few that do won't dare in case Time Baby does return and finds out someone's been playing with his toys. But we couldn't just sit back and wait for something that might never happen. We had to move on. Go back to having votes and a democracy." Axel sighed. "Honestly, do you know how hard it is to teach people how to vote? Most people are idiots! So of course people started to wish that there was another big, all-powerful being in charge again. And then people started to think about the one who had beaten our previous supreme ruler in the first place."

"You cannot be serious," said Wendy as the others stared in disbelief.

"I am always serious!" declared Axel. Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "Always."

"As Commander Axel just said," continued Dundgren, "Some people believed that Bill would be better than Time Baby since some thought that Cipher would be more...fun. We spread the news on just how dangerous Cipher was and what a terrible ruler he would be, that he would break reality itself and even shared our time-recording of what transpired during Weirdmageddon. We thought this would let the people see just how dangerous he was."

"We were wrong." Lolph said miserably. "Most people realised exactly the kind of monster that Cipher was, the cruelty he glorified in, the deaths and-"

"We know what Bill Cipher is capable of," cut off Dipper, wrapping an arm around a clearly upset Mabel. "We get it. He was always a manipulator and a monster."

Wendy reached over and put a comforting hand on each twin's shoulder. "What does the cult have to do with us?"

Lolph and Dundgren considered the young siblings and the looks on all their faces before they continued. "Some people remained unconvinced. Some thought that he was misunderstood, that as a being from a universe so far outside of our own reality, that we shouldn't be putting our own sense of morality on him."

"Try telling that to the people in town," muttered Robbie darkly, recalling the look on Tambry's face as she was turned to stone.

"There were others too, some who didn't care about that. We don't know who started it, but a theory was put out there that, since Bill had rewarded some other monsters from other dimensions with a sample of his reality warping powers, that if a person or group were to bring him back from the dead, then he would make them one of his Henchmaniacs."

"Yeah, he offered Grunkle Ford something similar," said Mabel quietly. "Ford said he was insulted that Bill had even considered him for a position."

"Well, there were plenty who were tempted by that idea," said Dundgren. "Any sane person knows that killing any of you wouldn't bring Cipher back. We're still debating what the zodiac could have accomplished and know it was really the quick thinking and sacrifice of Stanley Pines that brought about Cipher's defeat. But that's the problem with cults - they appeal to the insane or the desperate. Reason and truth are dismissed if it opposes what they believe."

"When the cult first appeared, we all thought that it was just another crazy movement that would either fade away or never amount to anything," said Lolph. "And at first it looked like that was the case. But then all of these little club meetings and occasional rants suddenly became more serious. The symbol was left at the scenes of murders. Some very high-tech companies had their equipment stolen that was then used in attacks by people demanding the death of the zodiac or that we give them access to time time-tapes. We came down hard on them but they always seemed to be one step ahead of us, as if they knew our plans just as we were deciding them. It became clear that someone had started to lead them, make them organised and dangerous. Someone with a knowledge of TPAES."

"So that's what this Pink guy was doing?" asked Wendy. "You think he was the leader of the cult and was leaking the information so that he could maybe bring Bill back and then - what? Make his wife take him back?"

"That's so romantic," breathed Mabel. "I mean, yeah, that's also evil but you've got to give the guy credit for his commitment!" She looked at Dipper and then at Wendy, who both noticed this and didn't like the connections she was making, Dipper turning red while Wendy frowned at her.

"Wait, hold on," said Robbie, scratching his head. "He was a time cop, right? What stopped him from just going back and being a better husband or whatever? Why'd he have to join this crazy cult?"

The time cops stared at him. "Are you kidding me?" demanded Axel. "Changing something that's already been witnessed creates a paradox. We're the damn Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squad! It's in our damn name! Do you have any idea how hard it would be to create a paradox when you're one of us and surrounded by officers? It's like trying to rob a police station!"

"Yeah, well, sounds like this guy did rob a police station!" snapped Robbie defensively, Lolph and Dundgren looking at each other in surprise as Axel glared at him. "So if he's crazy and smart enough to do that, why not just try stopping his break-up?"

"Listen to me, you little creep," hissed Axel with such venom that the angsty teen wisely decided to put away the sarcasm for as long as he could. "I don't need to explain anything this man does to you, alright? We're the cops and we're dealing with someone who's had training literally thousands of years ahead of your time! We're trying to warn you and you had better listen. Here, I'll tell you everything you need to know about Pink - what he's capable of."

Commander Axel tapped at the display on her wrist and it began to show a holographic projection of two separate images of the man from the wanted poster: one, a smiling cop with a news article about a decorated and brave officer, the other showing a scowling convict with a separate news article branding him a terrorist and monster, indirectly responsible for several deaths. "This scumbag used to be one of the best," began Commander Axel, glaring at both images. "Hero cop, brave man, husband and father, yada-yadda. Then his wife divorces him. They get shared custody which still means less time with his kid. Starts to act out, gets angrier, more arguments in the office and out. Erratic behaviour and aggressive outbursts. You guys remember just how much of a pain he could be with his honest opinions." Lolph and Dundgren both nodded in agreement.

"That's how it starts, but he's still bringing in more bad guys than most of us so we let that slide." Commander Axel bared her teeth. "Even me. Then, we complete a successful raid on one branch of the Cipher Cults. They'd been one step ahead of us for so long we were starting to get pretty desperate in finding the mole, accusations and suspicions were everywhere. Then, lo and behold, we finally find them thanks to a lucky tip and guess what we find? Codes. Access code to the TPAES database, letting them find out everything they needed to know. And whose codes were they? None other than Phillip Pink."

"But why would he do that?" asked Dipper. "Betray the other cops?"

Commander Axel shrugged. "I can't tell ya that, kid. The Cipher Cult are nut jobs. Crazy with a capital H. But as we said, they were popular for a while among the crazies and sometimes just the desperate. Maybe Dungdren's right and losing his family was something he couldn't handle. Plenty of people out there who'd risk it all for even for the slightest chance of Cipher granting wishes to whoever brought him back. He could make them a being capable of altering reality itself, powerful enough to conquer a galaxy, rule their own empire for eternity." Axel let out a deep breath. "Immorality and godhood. People have killed for far less and would do a lot of dumb things to get something like that without having to go through the challenges of Globnar."

"Globnar?" asked Robbie.

"Crazy future gladiator test challenge thing," explained Wendy. "These two maniacs went through it once and came out on top." She grinned at them proudly, ruffling Mabel's hair and pulling Dipper's hat down over his eyes.

"But there must have been plenty of people in this cult," said Dipper, pushing his hat back up. "They couldn't think that Bill would reward them all."

"They wouldn't need to," said Lolph. "Even if they thought only one in every thousand would be rewarded, that's still a better shot that they think they have in the real world."

"We've told you as much as we can," Axel said. "Pass those posters around and make copies if you need to. Warn the other members of the zodiac and anyone else that you think should be warned. I wouldn't put it past Pink to threaten anyone else in town if it meant he could get to you. And be wary - we have no idea when Pink's landed. He could already have been here for months or he might not appear for years or he could have arrived five minutes ago. There's no way to tell. So take this." Axel reached into another pocket and pulled out a small, black box with a large red button on top which she handed to Dipper. "Think of this as a temporal flare or beacon. If Pink arrives just press that button and it will alert us to when he is. It should also let us navigate the time-stream long enough to help you."

She nodded to her colleagues and Lolph and Dundgren moved to stand closer to her. "Pink is dangerous so press that the moment you see him. We have the technology and training to put him away and stop anyone else like him from hurting you." The three TPAES operatives reached for the time tapes held at their belts and activated them as one. "Stay safe and be alert. That's an order!" snapped Axel just before they vanished.

"Huh," said Wendy as Dipper and Mabel looked at the unassuming box and button. "I guess we'd better put the shopping trip on hold until we warn the town or whatever."

"Aw, that means I have to put up with Dipper's stink for even longer," complained Mabel, taking one of the wanted posters from her pile and glaring at it. "I don't care how hot you are, that's not cool!"

"Look, let's just go, alright?" muttered Dipper, growing frustrated with the constant jabs at his hygiene. "We'd better just head back to the Shack. Warn Ford and Stan first, then they can contact McGucket and the others - maybe make a device that can scan for time travellers or something. And yes, I will shower when they get there!" he snapped, correctly guessing what Mabel was about to say as she opened her mouth.

"It's for your own good," said Mabel, patting him reassuringly on the shoulder. "But more importantly, it's good for us too."

"Wait, how are we going to get there?" asked Robbie, motioning towards the still frozen van. "I mean, when does time unfreeze?"

"Maybe just give it a minute and - yep, there we go," said Mabel as time resumed without warning, the sound of the animals, wind and van engine all roaring to life suddenly. Robbie called out towards the van, waving at it as it continued to travel without them for a few seconds before it swerved and screeched to a halt. Then it slowly reversed back to the waiting group, the door sliding open and Lee, Nate, Tambry and Thompson all staring at them in confusion.

"Uh, what just happened?" asked Tambry as the four resumed their previous sitting positions.

"Time-travel," said Wendy with a nonchalant shrug. "Yo, Thompson! Turn this van around, we need to get back to the Shack."

"And make it snappy!" declared Mabel, passing each of them a wanted poster. "There's a criminal on the loose and we've no time to lose!" She nudged Dipper. "Huh? Huh? See what-"

"I see what you did there," sighed Dipper. "Wendy's right, we'd better get back to the Shack as soon as possible. We've just been told some pretty bad news."

He quickly informed them of their meetings with the time-travellers as a nervous Thompson awkwardly turned the van around, his driving made much worse by the stressful story of a possible invisible time-terrorist in town and Mabel standing at his shoulder, urging him to go faster and questioning everything that he did.

"So, what does the wanted poster say about him?" asked Thompson, glancing in the rear-view mirror and hoping that the change of conversation would get Mabel to stop. "I can't read and drive so if one of you could-?"

"Yeah man, no problem," said Dipper pulling out one of the posters and clearing his throat. "Uh, let's see here. 'Wanted: dead or alive. Phillip Pink, former operative of TPAES-'"

"Teepee what?"

"It stand for Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squad," clarified Dipper.

"They're like cops!" explained Mabel. "Time cops! With ray beams and time freezers and teleporters and crotches that thank you for kicking them!"

"Not exactly right," said Dipper slowly as the other teens stared at the happy girl. "But not exactly wrong either. Look, never mind the talking codpiece. Mabel and I have been to the future so he must really be something if even they're worried about him being loose. Anyway, there's more written here. 'Pink is two-hundred and five centimetres,' that's about six-foot seven guys, 'has a muscular build, red hair - usually stylised, blue eyes - one cybernetic, pale skin with faint freckles on his cheeks, shoulders, arms and buttocks.' Wait, seriously? They mention his butt? The future is weird, man."

"So he's tall, muscular and ginger," said Nate, considering the boy's words. "That could be any of Wendy's cousins or uncles! Does he have any cool scars that make him stand out?"

Dipper scrolled down the poster again. "Here's something: 'Pink is originally from New Belfast and still speaks with an Irish accent-'"

"Oooh, a foreigner!" said Mabel shaking with delight. "He just keeps getting better and better! Tall, muscles a-plenty, loving father and now - he's got an accent! Shame he's a criminal." Mabel sighed. "Oh fate," she breathed wistfully. "Why must you taunt me with the bad boys? How can I remain pure and innocent when you tease me so?"

Dipper made a face of disgust, then thought back to what he had read. "Irish accent…I wonder if that's hard for him to hide? If he's in disguise, maybe we can look up some Irish slang and see if anybody with his height and build reacts to it?"

"Hey Wendy, your family's Irish right?" asked Robbie. "You know any Irish words that might help us out?"

"First of all, I've no idea whether we're Scottish or Irish," said Wendy. "Secondly, why would I know any? We're like twentieth generation or whatever. I mean, I could ask Dad in case we are Irish and he knows some slang, but I doubt that would really help at this stage. This guy has a suit that turns him invisible, I don't think he'd need a disguise." She turned back to Dipper. "Does it say anything else about him? Like, could I handle him with my axe or should we talk to Ford about ray guns? Does he have any weaknesses we can exploit?"

Dipper quickly scanned the poster. "Let's see…severely dangerous...armed with an armoured chrono-flage suit, a scanner wand, memory wipes, medi-gel, several time tapes, a shock-baton, a plasma pistol keyed to his chrono-signature...do not approach...has received extensive TPAES training' - oh! Listen to this! 'Phillip Pink has been augmented with some of the most advanced cybernetic enhancements of known time. These include an cybernetic eye that allows superior natural vision, night vision, omnispectrascopic vision and infrared. He also has time-tanium alloy legs, arm, spine, ribcage and skull, giving him enhanced strength and endurance. While the remainder of his body is organic humanoid, it is advised not to engage in close combat under any circumstances as Pink has survived unarmed combat with a cyclocks and nothing short of a vehicular collision is likely to harm him."

"Wow." Thompson swallowed loudly as the others considered this. "I don't know about you guys, but I sure don't want to make that guy mad!" He laughed nervously. "Heck, I wouldn't even want to meet him!" he said.

Right before he hit him with his van.