disclaimer: i do not own fullmetal alchemist! believe me if i did the latest chapters would not have happened (wont say what happened because of spoilers)

Scars

Riza sat at the kitchen table in her house uneaten food on the stove warming up for the fifth time it was one serving since it was only lunch time and her father and his apprentice only ate dinner, if they ate at all.. today riza did not feel like eating, her appetite was fading, she stared off into space thinking. She was fourteen she would be able to leave soon and never come back to this broken home. she looked down at her forearms and saw her scars, she had put them there herself when she felt most alone most like a ghost which was often because as far as she knew her father didn't know she existed beyond being the person who cooked his food but then he would rarely eat. So even then she didn't exist she told herself that she didn't care because he had never payed any attention to her at all even when she was little she was used to being alone. So she didn't care but really she did, so she hurt…

She half hated the apprentice that her father had taken on because he payed attention to him and taught him alchemy the only thing that she thought her father truly did care about. But ever since he had arrived when she was younger she had been jealous that he seemed to get all of father's attention while she stayed as invisible as usual. She hurt for that also

She also hated how he had used her… she had let him of course she longed for his love that much that she had let him use her to store his research that was all she was too him.. Another book but a human book that could not be destroyed so easily as one made out of paper and ink. She hurt more

She knew that secretly she loved him but she tried to hate him because she should, she had no friends the tutors had stopped coming years ago because he forgot to pay them, he had pulled her out of school as well.. So she learned by herself she learned to read and to write and to do arithmetic though she was horrible at numbers that didn't matter though she would probably not need all those numbers anyway.

The food had started to burn the smell of smoke slowly filling the kitchen but riza didn't care anymore she slowly felt that numb sensation that she constantly tried to keep at bay sneak up on her and pounce. she sat there for while not really noticing time passing or the food burning or anything, for that matter. she really didn't care she felt invisible and well for all she knew that was true.. she reached for the knife that was on the table from preparing the food earlier and looked at it, it was pretty she thought smooth silver perfect and definitely not invisible, she contemplated for a little more and then brought the knife to rest against her already scarred forearm and dragged the blade across feeling the pain go coursing through her at least it was feeling something wasn't it? She watched as blood started to ooze from the new cut and she observed it this wasn't new to her after all, though she realized that she had not actually hurt for a while a week she thought, ah well. She dragged the blade across her arm again, and again feeling the pain and knowing that she was alive, she didn't know why she kept cutting after the initial knowledge that she still existed but something just made her keep going there was a sick fascination she held in the knife and the blood and the pain it was a relief and she let all her emotions that had resurfaced flow out the anger, and the jealousy and the emotional pain it was like a river.

Roy smelled smoke coming from downstairs he had been studying by himself and he didn't know where sensei was so it couldn't hurt to go see what was wrong sensei's daughter riza rarely burned anything she always made good food he made his way down stairs and into the kitchen and noticed her sitting at the table holding a knife in her hand calmly watching blood flowing down her arm. Roy just stared at first and then walked over and took the knife slowly out of her hand.

"riza That's enough " he said scared a little, she didn't even look up.

Riza noticed him walk in and stand there for a moment she didn't care he walked over and took the knife from her hand she didn't care either she had released enough she heard him speak but didn't respond

Roy didn't know what to do he was lost he put the knife down and then turned off the stove, before collecting a clean dishcloth and pulling up another chair next to riza and putting an arm around her.

"what's wrong?" he asked kind of shyly riza shrugged but didn't respond. Roy didn't know what to say next because she didn't look like she was going to answer him he thought and then saw her arm again "come on lets go clean that" he said and she shrugged again but stood up and started to walk towards the bathroom roy stood up to follow her but she shook her head.

'I am fine, don't worry you should get back to studying shouldn't you?" she said her voice quivering a little and walked into the bathroom closing and locking the door. Roy sat at the table speechless and then slowly got up and walked back upstairs unsure of wither he should tell the sensei about his daughters problem..

"What am I thinking" he muttered to himself "I can't tell him that would be completely betraying her i have to help her, damn it! I have to help her. But how?" he tried to think of how he could help as he walked back into the library, he had trouble concentrating on his studies for the rest of the day.

Years later

In ishbal riza sat in her tent a cigarette held in-between her teeth her sleeves rolled up to her elbows it was dark out, but hadn't started to cool down yet, though it would get cold soon. She should be sleeping she reasoned, but she knew that if she did sleep her dreams would be nightmares. so it was better to sit on her cot smoking, and listen to her tent mates' troubled sleep noises. she looked down at her arms, and saw the many scars she had there from her childhood. she sighed and rolled her sleeves down she didn't really want to look at them they were too tempting, and she didn't want to start again not now, because she had the bad feeling that if she did she would go too far and take her own life because she had taken the lives of too many other people. but just once couldn't hurt right? Just a little bit of release? She shook her head and put out the cigarette better get some sleep she thought she looked at the roof of the tent and images of bodies riddled with bullet holes filled her eyes. she stood up suddenly taking her jacket, and pistol, and as an after thought her utility knife. before walking out of the tent into the cooling night air. she glanced around not seeing any campfires still lit she decided to walk around camp to clear her mind.

she looked up at the stars bright and clear stunningly beautiful for such a place dirtied with the blood of thousands of soldiers and civilians she walked over to her favorite thinking place a little stream running through a tiny oasis so small you barely knew it existed just a little creek bubbling out of the ground a couple of small plants and a rock sitting on the flat top of the rock she sighed and looked at the knife on her belt just one small cut she thought and unsheathed it running it across her finger testing the blade before moving onto her arm and dragging it across her skin she exhaled deeply unused to the pain but thankful for the release all the same she repeated a second time and was starting the third when a hand was placed on her arm.

"no soldier" a strangely familiar voice said calmly Riza looked down at her arm seeing the dark stain drip down her arm and sheathed the knife again then looked up into they eyes of Roy mustang her fathers old apprentice.