Author's Note: Early update! Just to keep the ball rolling, and I am much too excited to keep this chapter to myself.
Everyone nod their heads to my friend Lizz-sama who has been my beta, making sure that I didn't make stupid mistakes. So thanks, Lizz. You are certainly the other pea, in my pod.
And thank you for the reviews, and follows, and for actually taking time to read my fic!
Now, since my rantings are done, enjoy the early update, and remember that the next chapter will be up in a week's time. (Unless I get excited again.)
But Tonight It Was Different, It Was Better
The door was cool against my back,
and I wiped the last few tears from my cheek and
held myself closely.
I was my own best friend right then,
and it was too late to worry about emotions anyway.
I was too tired to even think straight,
and in the morning this would all seem like a dream,
or a nightmare.
Yes. More like a nightmare.
I inched my way up the staircase.
Tifa and everyone else were already sleeping.
Thank Leviathan because I wasn't up for explaining why
my face was all kinds of red, and wrong, and
I was so exhausted.
I opened the door to my room, kicked off my shoes and
got in bed as quickly as my body would allow.
It was so quiet. The darkness of my room calmed me more than it ever had before.
I wasn't sure why and I wasn't sure how.
Usually, I hated the dark.
But that night it was different. It was better.
I liked to think that after all the years of crying because of the darkness,
that I had made peace with it.
I used to cry because I'd see things in the dark.
That night, it was what I wanted most.
I strained my eyes a bit looking for pixels in the shadows.
For a moment I convinced myself they were the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.
And maybe they were.
I wasn't sure how I felt.
I was too disoriented to figure out what had really happened and why.
It wasn't worth it to me.
Not many things were.
It was because I couldn't change a thing, I guess.
My skin was hot but inside
I was freezing and I couldn't help
my wanting to scream.
But just thinking about all the energy it would take,
made me tired.
So I took a deep breath instead and closed my eyes.
I let myself remember all of the things I loved.
It wasn't easy.
Not that I could have assumed it would be.
But for a moment I missed Vinnie. I did.
I really wasn't sure why.
Nothing had been good recently.
But in the beginning we were in it together.
Everything seemed perfect and I never thought it would end. It was what I had always wanted.
By the end,
he was still floating and I was falling.
There was nothing left for me to hold onto.
Maybe he knew, and didn't want to let me go.
I'd let him pull away from me.
I didn't know why.
I wished I hadn't.
You could say that I asked for my own unhappiness;
that there was no use in feeling sorry for myself,
because it was my fault anyway, and you would be right.
But I couldn't regret the things I'd done,
because at one point they were exactly what I wanted.
It's the truth.
Every action we take, we want in that very moment in time.
We do what is best for ourselves.
I felt stable;
more than in the last month or so.
All that had kept me close to him was fear.
Not fear of being alone, but…
fear of losing what meant more to me that I knew.
He was gone, and it wasn't scary after all.
I faded in and out of sleep,
and I wasn't sure when I was dreaming or reminiscing.
I listened to my own heart and noticed the precision in my breath.
The human body really was a wonderful song.
A song, that isn't stuck on repeat because it is so greatly appreciated.
Listening is one of the greatest things in the world.
Being the great ninja that I am,
I catch bits and pieces of conversations,
and so many people count on childhood "friends" to hear them out,
because no one else will.
I mean, not to preach to you or anything,
but there are one hundred billion people in the world and,
out of those billions of people, not many aren't self-centered.
Maybe I'm crazy,
but I love listening to people and the way they're feeling when I'm rock bottom.
It helps me feel like I'm okay.
Like, I won't ever be alone,
because somewhere out there,
there's always someone who's going through the same exact thing.
To be able to relate to each other is a gift,
and we shouldn't push it away.
We're born alone, we die alone.
While we're alive, we might as well relate.
Life is funny that way.
I was tired of the silence.
I pulled the sheets up to my chest,
and felt my breaths get shallower.
Sleep was taking me away.
Before I let him take me,
I thought of the last place where I felt at peace.
I remember her beautiful face,
and her smile.
Hoping she could protect me from nightmares that night.
But I knew before I went down that she would.
Because tonight was different, it was better.
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