As usual, this chapter follows the events of the episode "On Thin Ice"
I need to talk to Catherine. Because all of it was confusing even before and now with Alex and the whole "you should try your luck with your ex-fiancée" this is just driving me crazy!
No-no-no, I must've misunderstood Catherine, she couldn't possibly mean it, right? Because I totally felt her moving in the same direction as I was… and my Catherine wouldn't back away so easily, right? Right?!
OK, I gotta talk to her, no need to burn my brains out with questions…
JT, gotta go, see Catherine!
Oh, as if I have a say in this! Sure, go ahead, have a date, catch a movie, have a bite in some crowded bistro, get effing caught by maniacal Muirfield… what do I care!... And why do I even bother to talk when he's long gone?
What do I say to her? "Hi, I came to check if you actually meant that I should go date my ex?" Yeah, that's gonna sound totally normal and nonchalant – just went through couple of blocks of rooftops to drop a stupidest question ever!
No, Vincent, focus. Catherine must've said it because she cares for your feelings even though her feelings are hurt with this option… But I should tell her that… that… what? That I can't even think about anyone beside her? No, too cheese… That I can recognise a sound of her heartbeat from across the street? No, too creepy…
I will tell Catherine I don't want to let Alex's appearance to change us, to change what we were about to have… I've already told her that but I need to make her understand!
But only if she's really into it… I don't wanna force myself onto her…
Hi…
Hi…
Remind me to never get shot again…
Never get shot again!
Really, though, Catherine, you have no idea how much I want to shield you from all the dangers of the world… Albeit that I'm probably the most dangerous thing you will ever encounter.
Ok, she's doing physical… and she's doing it wrong… trying to tough it out as fast as she can. So Catherine.
You need to work on your flexibility.
I don't remember asking you to be my personal physical therapist.
Because you've never asked me for anything. Especially – for help. So independent… Distant.
No, those few cases when I helped… that little girl I treated… you weren't asking for yourself, only for others.
Isn't there any part of me you would want just for yourself?
Phone rings. Not JT cause he has classes now. Not Catherine obviously. So it must be Alex… But I'd already called her this morning to check on her so she must be fine…
No, it's fine, I'll call her back.
Ah… Alex.
Do I detect a little jealousy? Well, that a good sta…
Really, Vincent, it's ok, I don't mind.
Really? You don't? Well… then…
Aaaand the ringing stopped. It's a sign! Time to talk… Here goes all or nothing!
You don't have to explain anything…
Even if I want to?
She was your fiancée, you were planning your life together for years…
Six years and entire childhood…
Man, was it that long? Seems like it was in totally different life… and not even mine. And I didn't come to talk about it either!
But… you and me.
You and I are… I don't even know what we are!
So let's try to figure it out! That's my point exactly! Why are you playing this "no strings attached" card on me, Catherine? Don't you want this? At all?
I mean, we've hardly even known each other for what? Like few month?
Object, Catherine, I beg you! I've been close to you for nine years even if you never knew that! Call me on my pretend, say something! Show me you care about US!
You know, it's… really none of my business…
What? How? … Why, Catherine?
So… I see how it is then… I really did misunderstood you. But not yesterday when you told me to hit it off with Alex. Before… when I though you and I had a chance.
And now you say that I'm not your business.
Doesn't matter... I still have to come clean with Alex. We cannot go back to where we were when I left just because she'd found me. I'm not the same person... and I definitely few too many problems to drag her into this. I have to make Alex to realise that... it's time for her to move on.
… I'll be all yours!
Oh, man, that's exactly what I came to talk about. The "all yours" part has to be cleared out! I mean, Alex seem to have such strong feelings for me… it's flattering, really… feels so good to be a MAN man… but she doesn't know what she's getting herself into! I need to keep her safe and away of all this craziness! So… I guess she will be better off without me.
Or not... What is it even? It's like... shrine of us or something! Photos, postcards... Catherine says Alex saved all the letters I've sent her. Why is she so stuck in the past? Or... is it possible that she genuinely still loves me, not just a memory of us... Alex loves ME?
Is this what you wanted to show me?
To show me that you still want the life we've dreamt for together? That you still want me?
No... this is.
Man... Oh, man... Her body... is perfect. So many years – and I still remember how her body moves around me, what makes her tick, what feels good...
But should I be so calm about gorgeous naked women in front of me?
Oh man... Catherine, what have you done to me?
Alex... wait.
Hi, JT...
He's on his research again. And his research is me... Geez, I go out to sort my personal life out and he stays away from his personal life to sort out my problems! Best friend ever!
Hi, man! What's up with the sad face? Didn't go that well with her?
Well, Catherine blew me off. Kinda. I mean... we were about to hit it off and now... I don't even know now if she's interested or not... And then there's Alex.
And what about Alex? Did you see her too?
Yeah! I've seen...
Shut up, Vincent! Shut the f*ck up now! Don't you dare to embarrass Alex with your proud-alpha-male talk!
Let's just say I think she's really into me. Like really!
Why is it so surprising to you, man? I mean, yeah, sure, it's totally surprising to me! I'm lost here! Someone, please, explain to me – how a guy who's unemployed, never goes out and is officially dead... gets not one but two smoking hot women fighting for his attention?
I have like no idea! But JT makes it sound like I planned for it to happen!
JT, the whole point of going over there was to tell her that I can't see her anymore.
Because... because of Catherine.
Where do I start? Because of Catherine, because of me, because of me and Catherine, because... I honestly am not sure that there is a space for "me and Alex"...
Kinda yeah...
But it's not just "me and Catherine" thing! It's the whole "Muirfield-is-hunting-me-down-and-even-without-that-I-am-still-a-threat-on-my-own" thing! I dragged JT and Catherine into this and I can't let Alex to be harmed by one of my mistakes again! She won't be able to fight this life, she's not as strong as Catherine... And I've already caused Alex so much pain in the past...
But then again... wouldn't me leaving her now be painful too? Wouldn't she be broken-hearted because of me AGAIN?
What to do?
But what if I don't tell her?
Vincent!
Yeah, I know! This secret is not something to hide from her if I'm gonna stick around for a while... Am I gonna? I shouldn't... but... but...
OK, truth time... It feels so great to be Vincent Keller again! Not a monster, not a fugitive, not a broken man who does not plan for more than one month because there may not be any "more than one month"! Just Vincent! Being loved... wanted... Me and Alex – we used to have so much fun, so much life ahead of us! Is it so wrong of me to want some of it back? Haven't I suffered enough to deserve just a little bit of peace not polluted by the looming shadow of threat?
And you don't think Catherine is backing off just because she's trying to do the right thing?
Maybe... Maybe not. If it was only for my benefit... then why would she disregard me when I came to talk about us? Why did she send me to "check my feelings for Alex"? Stepping back is one thing... matchmaking is another...
Oh, JT, I'm so confused! I don't know, really! Maybe it's just for me... but what if not? What if Alex is my only chance to be... happy?
My side of what?
Catherine... What is she doing here? I thought after this morning… Maybe, I was wrong? And JT is right… Maybe she still wants to hold on to me…
What's this?
A confession? Don't be silly, Keller, Catherine is way too straightforward to play love letters!
I don't know how to tell you this…
Ok, I may have to retract some words…
But wait… what she says now… it's can't be… she can't mean that Alex…
Vincent, she's stealing medicine and supplies from the hospital.
You don't know that!
You've known Alex for what – like few weeks? And you already judging her and accusing her and spying on her? What's up with you, Catherine?
Someone else is going to find out eventually!
Nope, they won't, cause there's nothing to find out – Alex can't be doing it! She's not like that!
Alex is a dreamer trying to make a world a better place. She donates to charity, takes part in environmentalists movement and… and I know her for twenty years! Alex is not some drug dealer, she is good! You've misunderstood her Catherine! Take your allegations back!
Does she know how careful she has to be with your secret?
Oh, so it's about my secret now? Why does everybody keep pushing me to tell Alex that damn secret?! What if I don't want to tell her?
No…
It just can't be truth!
But… I guess… I have to go check up on Alex just to clarify this myself.
It started to feel like the old times and I got carried away.
Oh, yeah, the whole stripping down thing… That was awkward!
But she looks so cute when she's embarrassed! I remember this look on her, her cheeks flash and it makes it look like her ginger hair glows… Yeah, those were the good times, can't deny it!
You know, when that towel dropped I almost got carried away too… so…
Ok, this came out the wrong way. I meant, I'm only the man, there's just so much self-control I have over my basic instincts… but from the look on her shining face I gather Alex thinks there's more to it… Well, I guess, it won't harm if she thinks that, right?
Unless… she believes that we are still on the same page from where we've left off… Oh, Alex…
I'm a completely different person now…
Who isn't?
I don't mean just my feelings… everything so mixed now… Alex, Catherine… Catherine…
But how am I supposed to explain it to Alex who seems to have waited for me all these years? I left her with no say in the matter ten years ago and now I have to tell her that I've managed to find a new life without a place for her… How cruel of you, Vincent Keller…
And she's so… beautiful… Her heart will be broken. Again.
I'm beginning to remember my old self… I want that life back… so badly. I guess… the question is… do you?
Oh, Alex, I do, so much! You have no idea what this life does to me… and how my hope to get back to normal is sometimes the only thing that is keeping me alive… But…
A lot has changed…
So much… the thing I am now… may not deserve to have a life at all, let alone normal.
But… that's not something to discuss in the corridor… and I came with a different reason on my mind…
And I guess, we both have few new secrets, yeah?
Yes, Alex, I saw a duffel bag Catherine mentioned… and by the smell of it there are some medical supplies there. Care to explain? I mean, I trust you; you're not like that, but still…
I told you weren't into anything like that…
Actually, I am.
Oh man! What can you possibly mean by that?! Never thought you can go into snuggling drugs… people can't change THAT much, right?
I have something to show you.
Well, considering her mischievous smile it's bound to be interesting! One can never get bored with Alex!
It will all make sense in a moment.
Hope so! Cause so far all the "Asian-laundry-set" looks so "drug-like" suspicious! Alex, what's happe…
What is it? Exam table, drug cabinets, sick people… Alex supplies drugs to underground clinic! Man, I always knew if Alex would be into anything secret it would be some Robin Hood stuff! Alex, you really haven't changed! The same "save-the-world" attitude that draw me to you… You're special, Alex, you know that?
Hm… all these people are looking at me nervously… I should explain myself somehow…
Just a friend.
Doctor.
Why? Why would you introduce me like that? I haven't been a doctor for so-so long… such a warm memory… such a forgotten experience…
But… to re-live it again… here, now…
I can help so many… Just by being good at what I do… Being a good doctor, the way I was… I am. I'm still a very good doctor! See, I fixed this boy's arm in a matter of minutes! I'm actually… great!
Felt good, didn't it? Helping…
Oh, Alex! Thank you so much for bringing this back to my life! You have no idea how perfect this was! Being around people and not watching over the shoulder all the time… Being seen not through fear but through gratitude. It's so… new to me. I've missed it so much! It hasn't been a part of my life for what seems like a century, not a decade.
I've made peace with it…
But do you need to?
Yes, I HAVE to! I don't have much of an option here – my existence is complicated inside out and I honestly have no idea how to explain it to you… or should I?
We need YOU!
Really? You NEED me? I haven't been asked for help all that much lately. People around me are usually the ones to help me… way too independent to ask anything of ME. Being needed is… refreshing!
Don't you want that? To be THAT Vincent again?
You knew just the question to ask! I'm dying inside because of how much I want exactly that… but it's not something I can go back to so easily, believe me, I'm trying for ten years now, to no avail…
You are NOT going home!
I'm not? Where am I supposed to go? It's not like I hand out in a bar, you know… I mean, even with a backstory I've told you it's pretty clear I have to stay off public eye…
Ok, sorry, I knew you wouldn't be so reckless… my grumpy side just got the worst of me…
But the day was so great and the fact that it's about to be over… ugrhh!
And I won't take "no" for an answer, doctor Keller!
Oh, we still have more fun? Great! Where to?
Maybe we are the only ones crazy enough to sneak in here.
I can't believe this place… feels the same! We've been so stupid to brake into this ice stadium… I guess we still are.
We shouldn't be here…
Not just here… I should not indulge this fantasy… this is not my life… It may be yours, Alex, but I can only play pretend to be so carefree and joyful. In reality…
Maybe you've been hiding a real Vincent Keller for too long.
Oh, maybe I have… It feels so natural to be here with you again. Is it my memories coming to life… or is it real me? Can it be that Alex brought up to life the "real" me?
No, no, stop it, Vincent! No matter what "real" you means… it still doesn't change the fact that you carry few extra DNA sequences… and very dangerous ones.
What if more has changed than you realise?
It wouldn't matter!
Promise? Tell me you would take whatever comes and mean it! I need somebody who won't shy away from me because of "dark places"…
I read about this medical team… We can there together… It doesn't have to be a fantasy!
Or I can follow you to your lighter place. Oh, Alex, you're such sunshine! You can always shed some light through the darkest of nights…
Wait! Aren't we here to have some fun? I'll show the old Vincent Keller! C'mon here!
Thanks.
My pleasure…
The last time we did it… was ten years ago… and we'd finished with a kiss. Sweet one, tender… I want that feeling so much now. I missed being a man… What if… just this once…
The lights! Cops! Damn, I'm screwed!
You're telling me you don't have ID…
My ID will show a dead man! I'd better be a no-man than that!
I know what I should do… or else it may get messy… but would she help? After all this…
Catherine… I think I'm getting arrested.
She hissed. She is worried. Or irritated? Catherine, I really wouldn't bother you, believe me, but it's not like I have that much choice… and even if I would have more choices I would still call you… I trust you, Catherine.
I need a name!
Just tell him your name, Vince, it'll be ok!
Alex, do you not understand the concept of hiding? I'm not supposed to have a name!
I was not supposed to have been so careless either. Braking and entering… What had gotten into you, Vincent? Can't you just control your stupid daydreaming?
Control… Control… Relax… STOP IT!
Hey! What are you doing with my CI?
Catherine! Thank God!
My, she looks gorgeous! Is that why this guy's heart is racing? Or because Catherine is on the roll? She's so convincingly badass! This one will have to back off!
Relax, sweetheart, just doing my job.
Told'ya! You don't mess with my Catherine! Consider you've had it the easy way!
… Cause now I'm about to get it the hard way. Brace yourself, Vincent…
I am sorry…
What the hell is going on with you?!
Um… ok, I know, I did wrong, but…
Alex makes you do reckless things that the rest of us have to protect you from!
It wasn't her fault, ok? It was mine!
Again with Alex? Are you kidding me? Why does it have to revolve around her? My mistakes should not reflect on her! Enough with Alex stuff already!
You put Alex at risk… JT… You put ME at risk!
Catherine… you… you… you're right. I did put you all at risk. And it seems I can no longer joggle all the risks since there are so many people involved…
If you wanna figure out if you can get your old life back – that's fine! But it doesn't erase the life that you have now!
Don't you think I know that? But why am I not aloud to pretend just for a little while that it does?! Can I be happy and fun just for once? This one day can I be an old Vincent Keller who was a good doctor, good friend… good fiancé… good man! Do I have to be a terrifying beast on a leash all the time?
If you not gonna protect yourself… maybe it's time that I rethink the risks that I have taken to protect you.
Well, if it came to this… so be it. I hear the message. I will give you your peace.
Alex… Tell me more about those medical teams in Nigeria…
Catherine is right.
New York was a good place for me and JT to have our research base… But that came to nowhere – no real result in nine years. It's time to admit it – I will never find a cure! So it's time for me to learn to live with… it. And find a more secluded place to hide, somewhere where Muirfield won't have every surveillance camera and eight million eyewitnesses helping them to search for me.
Somewhere like Nigeria. As good place as any, I guess.
Alex… She will be there for me, she'll keep me in peace. And I will make her happy instead… if not for love, than for gratitude.
And they will be safe. To live their lives the way they were intended – free, openly, happy.
JT…
Catherine…
Hey…
She's here. She came. For me… Why?
Last time I cover for you…
Thank you.
This the last time I would need it, Catherine, I promise. You wouldn't have to risk you job… or your life… for me. Never again.
But you have to know how much I appreciate your help!
You risked your job for me… and Alex. And even if I was gonna be with her… you were willing to protect me unconditionally…
I wasn't honest with you.
What?
What do you mean "not honest"? Which part?
I don't wanna give up on us before "WE" have even began… I wanna be with you, Vincent. And… I'm willing to fight for you.
Wait… What? Ok… brain freeze… it can't be happening. Why now? I have already made me peace with your rejection… and now you turn around 180 degrees to run towards me?
And what with my plans to leave so you can have your life back? To have your NORMAL life back! Because if I'm not aloud to live it… then at least you should have this privilege!
And what about Alex…
I don't know if my choice is so clear…
There are so many things I remembered during these few last days… I never realized I want it back so much… until I got a glimpse of how my life could be.
I need to be honest with you… I really miss who I used to be… Vinnie Keller, the doctor… the normal guy.
Please, hear me, Catherine! Understand me! I'm tired of living on the rear sight of a gun, to endanger lives of people I love… I want to be ME again! Somebody to be proud of, somebody to be loved… not somebody to fear…
And I think… I really think I can be that person again.
With Alex… She knew me better that anyone. She'd help me to become the old me again.
And with me… you'd always be what? Not normal?
With you… there is no "with you", Catherine. You've pushed me away, remember? And now… you've changed your mind… what if you'll change it again?
But you said it yourself… you… you always remember what I am… I can see it in your eyes… remorse… pity. Yes, you are willing to fight on my side… but are you willing to give up for me? Because I'm so tired of fighting… so-so tired.
Alex is willing to give her life up to go with me… Away somewhere from all of this… So I can be free…
Yes, I'm a coward. I've been strong for too long… it wore me out… I want to rest. To live for as long as I have left. If I don't have a future… so I want to claim my present. Would you be satisfied with what I have in my present?
Would you?
Would she? If she knew the truth…
Oh! So that's how it is? The only reason Alex wants to be with me is because she doesn't know the truth? What if I tell her and she would still stay?
You haven't told her… and until you do… isn't all of this just a fantasy?
But it's MY fantasy! Why are you trying so hard to brake it with reality?
... ... ...
My dear readers!
Before you start throwing rotten tomatoes at me, listen to my plea =)
I will start with a story... A man walks into the class and drops a pencil. Two groups of kids were asked one simple question: what has just happened?
The experiment was that for one group this man was just some random unknown guy they weren't even asked to observe or analyse his behaviour. For them he was just a passerby whom they've noticed only because of the sound of falling pen. But the other group was told to wait for a guy to come and do some crucial thing and they should watch carefully what this thing would be. And the results are – to the question of "what has just happened?" first group of kids answered mostly "man dropped a pen" or even "the pen fell down" (no man involved); while the second group said "he threw a pen on the floor" with details on when, how and even WHY would that unknown man do that.
The idea is that the fact hasn't change – the pen is on the floor. But the way we PERCIEVE the facts, they way our senses and emotions describe reality to out minds – it all depends on how we are connected to the facts, how are we involved, what is the emotion of our involvement.
Back to BatB (further is solely my opinion and I do not claim to be right but I do claim that my writing of Vincent's thoughts is based on this understanding of the characters):
Vincent has been a cast out for too many years and he EXPECTS to be rejected, he's actually surprised to have Catherine not being scared or repulsed by him. But still – that is why he accepts her shying away so easily, that is why he considers not telling Alex the whole truth – he wants to feel normal just for some time, to feel that he is someone worthy of woman's love.
And really… Catherine reminding him that they "have come from some really dark places" implying that their feelings may be overshadowed by their separate and mutual negative experiences (Stockholm syndrome? Really?)… it just throws Vincent off.
And then there's Alex who does not doubt her feelings for Vincent (she also doesn't doubt his feelings for her much… her love is blind, deaf and a bit stupid to overlook this kind of big elephant in the room!) and that soothes his ego. He feels that he still has a shot in happy human life if somebody so lovely as Alex is calling out for him to come back… even though she doesn't really know him to state her undying love so bluntly.
But then again… I understand Catherine too. She'd lost her most loved person and it broke her and all her strength is directed to hold up a shield designed to save her from any heart pain. And if her emotional intelligence says that there may be a wreck in the relationship up ahead – it's her first instinct to shield up, to protect her soul.
So… the facts are the same – he says this, she says that. And Catherine is just trying to give him some room to see if she is really what Vincent wants and not his option "by default" (seeing how she's the only women who stayed around long enough to even form a relationship). But considering Vincent's low self esteem and lack of communications with opposite gender Catherine's action may seem like she's rejecting him…
She's not… we know it… we are women, we understand. But Vincent doesn't. He DOESN'T!
Catherine is a wise grown woman and she loves Vincent so in the end she came around to realize that some feelings are worth the risk to fight for them. The only problem is – men do not come around so easily… Vincent especially.
And one more thing… I wanted so much for Alex to accept Vincent. To love him despite the Beast thing… Because then Catherine would actually had to put her money where her mouth was and fight for him! Because what she actually did was "Would she?" Really, Catherine? You chose to fight by doubting "the other girl"? You don't fight for a man by brushing off competition! It just doesn't work like that among adults!
Guys, you just have no idea how I flinched on this sentence. On the whole plot of this episode because of the character development pace – while Vincent doubts, thinks and basically does nothing but reminiscing the times he'd lost… Catherine goes from dismissing him to scolding him to almost confessing her love for him… in a span of THREE DAYS! Is it even normal?
But that ok, I guess… I will work on understanding the pace later =)
P.S. Regi, I agree, Alex's character was too plain, too primitive and quit dumb. But she has brought such an interesting drama to the store, right?!