Disclaimer: Not mine, just playing.
AN: Episode begins before "Shattered". Events following "Shattered" are AU.
Flash
They were back in her quarters. Kathryn started to ask a question, but stopped as she saw herself and Chakotay sitting on her sofa. They were holding glasses up, and Kathryn caught a couple of words...Antarean cider..temporal prime directive. There was laughter, as they held up their glasses. Kathryn felt her heart squeeze at the twinkle in Chakotay's eyes.
"What's going on?" she whispered to Q. He laughed.
"Relax, Kathy, they can't hear us or see us. This is shortly in the future, following a time fracture that Chakotay gets caught in. This is the deciding moment in your future together."
There was a short silence between the couple on the couch.
"Chakotay?" The other Kathryn ventured, speaking as if the question had been torn from her against her will. "My other self... what did you tell her about us?"
"I don't understand," he replied, his brow wrinkling. But even from across the room, Kathryn could see that his eyes had darkened. She thought that his breathing may have quickened as well.
"You told her all this personal information that you knew about me. She had to think maybe there was something between...I mean, did you explain...?" She floundered desperately, and Chakotay did not speak immediately, as if debating whether or not to verbally rescue her.
"I told her that there were some barriers we never crossed." Chakotay said evenly. Kathryn knew exactly what her other self was feeling, because she felt it herself. Disappointment and rampant loneliness raged through her for an instant, like the crashing of a wave, and she pushed it back. She was pleased to note that not a glimmer of that emotion appeared on her alter-ego's face.
"I see," she said, noncommittally. "That was probably the best way to handle it." She busied herself with her glass then, and so missed what Kathryn saw...a succession of emotions move across Chakotay's face...disappointment, longing, resignation.
Flash.
They were standing in her ready room.
"Now, we are eight months into the future...the future which would follow that scene in your quarters, that is."
"That was it? That was my deciding moment?" Kathryn was incredulous.
"Some of the most minute decisions have lasting consequences," Q said wisely, for once. Kathryn was silent, pondering Q's momentary lapse into profundity.
The ready room door chimed. Kathryn had actually opened her mouth to respond, when the Captain Janeway seated at her desk answered,
"Come."
Chakotay strode into the room, and stood in front of her desk. Kathryn could immediately see that he was ill at ease; he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, and did not seem to know what to do with his hands. Janeway-at-the-desk finished reading something on a PADD before she put it aside and looked up.
"Something I can do for you?" she said in the throaty casual tone that she reserved for him when they were alone. Chakotay swallowed. Perversely, Kathryn felt her heart pounding loudly in her chest, wondering what he was going to say.
"I just wanted to tell you—I thought you ought to know, that is – I've... I've been seeing someone." Kathryn again felt sympathy pain for her future self. She sucked in a deep breath of air, as if she were recovering from a blow to her stomach. Captain Janeway's face had turned to a mask of stone.
"Thank you, Commander," her use of his title bounced around the room discordantly. "I do like to keep apprised of personal situations that may affect the crew's capabilities and performance." Janeway seemed to debate whether or not to continue, and curiosity won out. "Do you mind if I ask who?"
"Lieutenant Callahan." Kathryn knew her slightly, she was a petite thirtyish blonde under B'Elanna in Engineering. Janeway nodded in acknowledgment.
"Beth and I," Chakotay continued with difficulty. The use of the nickname sent a stab of pain through Kathryn. It implied intimacy and closeness, and that made her feel as jealous as hell. Admit it, Kathryn! Q had been standing without speaking so far, but he smirked at her then. "Beth and I, we – well, we want to get married. We'd like you to perform the ceremony."
Kathryn saw Janeway's hands tremble violently, as she clasped them in her lap, and hid the recalcitrant limbs under her desk.
"Certainly," she managed with believable warmth. "It would be a privilege and an honor, old friend." God, was I always such a pompous ass? Kathryn thought in disgust. Chakotay smiled, and Kathryn got the feeling that he was waiting for her to say something else. Instead, she smiled back at him, with that polite if you don't need anything else, please go smile.
He turned and left the room, and Kathryn had the unusual and uncomfortable opportunity to watch herself lapse into to silent, but uncontrollable tears, swallowing back sobs, once the doors had swished shut.
"Q, that was awful...why didn't she.."
Flash.
"Stop him?" They materialized in the mess hall as she finished her sentence.
"Don't you think you're the only one who really knows why you do the things you do, Kathy," Q said snarkily, and Kathryn felt a sudden primal urge to hit him. "Such violence inside! Perhaps Chuckles is well out of it."
"Where are we now?" She asked in a long-suffering tone, by way of changing the subject.
"This is 4 years, 7 months from now. We are at a baby shower."
"God, don't tell me..."Kathryn groaned. "Q, I really don't want to see this."
"Jumping to conclusions! Another human foible." Q said in delight, and Kathryn decided to ignore him, and watch the party.
However, she realized that it was B'Elanna and Tom sitting in the middle of the crowded room, and that her chief engineer looked very pregnant. She noted a charming 5 year old, with Klingon blood and her father's brilliant blue eyes, sitting in Tuvok's lap. The Vulcan looked totally at ease, and Kathryn found this funnier than if he was stiff and uncomfortable.
She saw herself, sitting towards the back of the room, drinking a cup of coffee. She looked very much outside the circle, as she passively watched, rather than clapping or calling out comments as the other members of the crew were doing. Harry Kim hollered out something that she did not catch, and there were whoops from most of the men. B'Elanna gave Harry a dirty look, and Harry pretended to cower. Kathryn did not see Chakotay or his...his wife. She had a hard time even thinking the phrase.
"Careful, Kathy, you're turning green." Q murmured.
"Stay out of my head, Q!"
"Can I help it if you're incredibly interesting?"
The mess hall doors swished open, and Tom stood up excitedly.
"There they are!" he called. "The Sleepless Ones." Kathryn turned, and tears burned the back of her eyelids. She blinked them back impatiently, and far from successfully.
Chakotay stood with his arm carefully around Lieutenant Callahan. In her arms was a tiny pink-wrapped bundle. Even from her vantage point, Kathryn could see that the infant was only days old. Chakotay stood with pride radiating from him almost visibly. Kathryn knew this was what he had always wanted.
"The doctor said it was okay, so we thought this was the most appropriate time to introduce everyone to Lani!" There was a chorus of good wishes.
"They had a very hard time conceiving. They tried for over two years, and she lost several fetuses. In another three years, she'll die in childbirth. Very unusual nowadays, even with your primitive medical techniques." Q told her. Kathryn barely heard him, her eyes instead locked on Chakotay. She felt her throat closing up, and couldn't believe the depth of the love she felt.
"What about him? Will he be okay?" she whispered hoarsely.
"He'll raise Lani alone. Torres will try to help him of course, but she has three children by then." Q snorted in disdain. "Whoever said Klingons and humans had trouble reproducing wasn't acquainted with those two. He never dates or marries anyone else. Never shows any interest in anyone else. Goes on those vision quests everyday when he's off duty."
"What about us?"
"Kathryn, you and he haven't spoken beyond polite trivialities since that night in your quarters." His words dropped into her consciousness like stones, and she felt dread grip her soul. Thirty-seven years...without her best friend, without the love she'd always wanted? How was she standing it? No wonder she sat alone outside her circle of friends, and merely watched them have lives of their own.
As if to answer her question, Captain Janeway rose and left the room abruptly, leaving from the rear doors of the mess hall, so as to not come near Chakotay and his family. Kathryn started visibly, as she watched Chakotay watch her future self (this was getting damned confusing) exit. Something, she was not sure what, glimmered in his eyes briefly, as Captain Janeway vanished.
"Q," she said in despair, "please just—"
Flash.
Back in her ready room, Kathryn had to fight back tears. She didn't want anyone else on the receiving end of Chakotay's love and passion. She didn't want any other woman having his children.
"What is the phrase you humans have, Kathy? Dog in the manger?" Q once again reminded her that he was there.
"I know, I know," Kathryn said, and it was a sign of her soul-weariness that she was even speaking civilly to Q. "I'm afraid to move forward with him, but I don't want him to move forward without me." She sighed, and then looked up suddenly, as if remembering in whose company she stood.
"So, where are we now?" she asked.
"We are now 21 years into this future. You are approximately 15 years from home."
She saw an aging version of herself seated at her desk. This Kathryn Janeway had silvering hair that was clipped short. Her face was more careworn, with more numerous lines around her eyes and mouth, but her figure was as lithe as it had ever been.
Her door chimed. Kathryn sighed; this was getting predictable.
"Come," said her older self, her voice clear as a bell.
A striking young woman entered, with evident Klingon blood. However, the ridges on her forehead were not pronounced, and her hair was a light honey- brown. Her eyes were startlingly deep and blue. Kathryn realized instantly that this must be the child from the baby shower, now about 23 years old. She was wearing the red command uniform of an ensign.
"Captain, could I talk with you for a moment? It's personal, not ship's business." The girl sounded hesitant, and almost shy, and Kathryn wondered how she could be a combination of the strident engineer and her snide pilot husband.
"Certainly, Miral," the captain replied with a friendly smile. "Have a seat."
Miral perched on the edge of her seat, as if to better prepare herself to run from the room if needed. "I needed to talk to someone, and I knew I couldn't talk to Mom or Dad." She plunged ahead, speaking quickly before she could change her mind. "I'm in love."
"Who is the lucky guy?" Captain Janeway asked. Kathryn's mind was whirling to figure out who...Icheb maybe, he had been about 16 when she was born.
"Harry." Miral said in a barely audible voice, but then pulled her chin up abruptly. "I don't care how old he is, and he doesn't care how old I am. He said he used to see me as a child, but he doesn't see me that way anymore!! And what am I supposed to do anyway?" She ranted as well as her mother, Kathryn noted. "It's not my fault we're stuck out here, and there's no one my age that's not my brother or a girl." She must be referring to Chakotay's daughter, and the baby B'Elanna had been pregnant with; Kathryn watched the scene with undisguised interest.
"No, Miral, I suppose that blame lies with me," Janeway said bitterly. "It was my decision that landed us out here in the Delta Quadrant. And it has affected everyone we've touched. And I want you to know I'm sorry for that."
Miral looked abashed. "I didn't mean to sound like I was blaming you. But I know Mom and Dad are going to flip out, because he's like family, but he's not family. And he's so sensitive and handsome." Kathryn tried to envision a distinguished middle-aged Harry Kim, perhaps with hair graying around his temples. Yes, he would be handsome.
"Flip out?" Janeway raised her eyebrows. Kathryn chuckled to herself, more of Tom's 20th century slang, no doubt. "Miral, most people on this ship would probably 'flip out', and justifiably so. He's your father's best friend, and more than old enough to be your father. How much could you really have in common? Our circumstances are not normal, and I apologize for that. But a marriage because he's the only one around would be ill- advised." Janeway spoke very calmly and kindly, but Miral looked stricken.
"I really didn't think you would say that," the younger woman admitted.
"Why? Doesn't everyone call me an old crank?" Janeway retorted. Miral looked upset, and hastened to explain that nobody had ever called her that, but Janeway waved away her comments with a smile. "No offense taken or meant, Miral. I am an old crank. But I do have life experience, and I can give advice."
Miral exited the room quietly, with a disappointed backward glance at her captain, who appeared to be thousands of light-years away. And she was, Kathryn knew, she was on New Earth, the last time she could remember being completely free and happy...free to love him, in a way she hadn't been since.
"She took your advice, you know," Q interjected into the silence. Kathryn continued to watch tears course down her future self's face, in mourning for things lost. "Old Cradle Robber wasn't very happy about it, but she wouldn't budge. You figured that she'd meet someone, or fall in love with Icheb, or forget about Harry. But she never marries, not even after Voyager gets home. Harry dies on an away mission, about 12 years from now, and she is at his side when he dies. Three years later, you get back to Earth, and are hailed as a hero. But you are still alone."
"What happens to Chakotay?" she asked through trembling lips.
"He goes to Dorvan. You never see him again, after Voyager is decommissioned. Neither of you ever go to any of the reunions." Kathryn pondered the emptiness of such an existence.
"You said, you said that this was one of many potential paths." She remembered their conversation from earlier, and said those words to him, almost accusingly.
"So I did, Kathy, so I did."
AN: Episode begins before "Shattered". Events following "Shattered" are AU.
Flash
They were back in her quarters. Kathryn started to ask a question, but stopped as she saw herself and Chakotay sitting on her sofa. They were holding glasses up, and Kathryn caught a couple of words...Antarean cider..temporal prime directive. There was laughter, as they held up their glasses. Kathryn felt her heart squeeze at the twinkle in Chakotay's eyes.
"What's going on?" she whispered to Q. He laughed.
"Relax, Kathy, they can't hear us or see us. This is shortly in the future, following a time fracture that Chakotay gets caught in. This is the deciding moment in your future together."
There was a short silence between the couple on the couch.
"Chakotay?" The other Kathryn ventured, speaking as if the question had been torn from her against her will. "My other self... what did you tell her about us?"
"I don't understand," he replied, his brow wrinkling. But even from across the room, Kathryn could see that his eyes had darkened. She thought that his breathing may have quickened as well.
"You told her all this personal information that you knew about me. She had to think maybe there was something between...I mean, did you explain...?" She floundered desperately, and Chakotay did not speak immediately, as if debating whether or not to verbally rescue her.
"I told her that there were some barriers we never crossed." Chakotay said evenly. Kathryn knew exactly what her other self was feeling, because she felt it herself. Disappointment and rampant loneliness raged through her for an instant, like the crashing of a wave, and she pushed it back. She was pleased to note that not a glimmer of that emotion appeared on her alter-ego's face.
"I see," she said, noncommittally. "That was probably the best way to handle it." She busied herself with her glass then, and so missed what Kathryn saw...a succession of emotions move across Chakotay's face...disappointment, longing, resignation.
Flash.
They were standing in her ready room.
"Now, we are eight months into the future...the future which would follow that scene in your quarters, that is."
"That was it? That was my deciding moment?" Kathryn was incredulous.
"Some of the most minute decisions have lasting consequences," Q said wisely, for once. Kathryn was silent, pondering Q's momentary lapse into profundity.
The ready room door chimed. Kathryn had actually opened her mouth to respond, when the Captain Janeway seated at her desk answered,
"Come."
Chakotay strode into the room, and stood in front of her desk. Kathryn could immediately see that he was ill at ease; he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, and did not seem to know what to do with his hands. Janeway-at-the-desk finished reading something on a PADD before she put it aside and looked up.
"Something I can do for you?" she said in the throaty casual tone that she reserved for him when they were alone. Chakotay swallowed. Perversely, Kathryn felt her heart pounding loudly in her chest, wondering what he was going to say.
"I just wanted to tell you—I thought you ought to know, that is – I've... I've been seeing someone." Kathryn again felt sympathy pain for her future self. She sucked in a deep breath of air, as if she were recovering from a blow to her stomach. Captain Janeway's face had turned to a mask of stone.
"Thank you, Commander," her use of his title bounced around the room discordantly. "I do like to keep apprised of personal situations that may affect the crew's capabilities and performance." Janeway seemed to debate whether or not to continue, and curiosity won out. "Do you mind if I ask who?"
"Lieutenant Callahan." Kathryn knew her slightly, she was a petite thirtyish blonde under B'Elanna in Engineering. Janeway nodded in acknowledgment.
"Beth and I," Chakotay continued with difficulty. The use of the nickname sent a stab of pain through Kathryn. It implied intimacy and closeness, and that made her feel as jealous as hell. Admit it, Kathryn! Q had been standing without speaking so far, but he smirked at her then. "Beth and I, we – well, we want to get married. We'd like you to perform the ceremony."
Kathryn saw Janeway's hands tremble violently, as she clasped them in her lap, and hid the recalcitrant limbs under her desk.
"Certainly," she managed with believable warmth. "It would be a privilege and an honor, old friend." God, was I always such a pompous ass? Kathryn thought in disgust. Chakotay smiled, and Kathryn got the feeling that he was waiting for her to say something else. Instead, she smiled back at him, with that polite if you don't need anything else, please go smile.
He turned and left the room, and Kathryn had the unusual and uncomfortable opportunity to watch herself lapse into to silent, but uncontrollable tears, swallowing back sobs, once the doors had swished shut.
"Q, that was awful...why didn't she.."
Flash.
"Stop him?" They materialized in the mess hall as she finished her sentence.
"Don't you think you're the only one who really knows why you do the things you do, Kathy," Q said snarkily, and Kathryn felt a sudden primal urge to hit him. "Such violence inside! Perhaps Chuckles is well out of it."
"Where are we now?" She asked in a long-suffering tone, by way of changing the subject.
"This is 4 years, 7 months from now. We are at a baby shower."
"God, don't tell me..."Kathryn groaned. "Q, I really don't want to see this."
"Jumping to conclusions! Another human foible." Q said in delight, and Kathryn decided to ignore him, and watch the party.
However, she realized that it was B'Elanna and Tom sitting in the middle of the crowded room, and that her chief engineer looked very pregnant. She noted a charming 5 year old, with Klingon blood and her father's brilliant blue eyes, sitting in Tuvok's lap. The Vulcan looked totally at ease, and Kathryn found this funnier than if he was stiff and uncomfortable.
She saw herself, sitting towards the back of the room, drinking a cup of coffee. She looked very much outside the circle, as she passively watched, rather than clapping or calling out comments as the other members of the crew were doing. Harry Kim hollered out something that she did not catch, and there were whoops from most of the men. B'Elanna gave Harry a dirty look, and Harry pretended to cower. Kathryn did not see Chakotay or his...his wife. She had a hard time even thinking the phrase.
"Careful, Kathy, you're turning green." Q murmured.
"Stay out of my head, Q!"
"Can I help it if you're incredibly interesting?"
The mess hall doors swished open, and Tom stood up excitedly.
"There they are!" he called. "The Sleepless Ones." Kathryn turned, and tears burned the back of her eyelids. She blinked them back impatiently, and far from successfully.
Chakotay stood with his arm carefully around Lieutenant Callahan. In her arms was a tiny pink-wrapped bundle. Even from her vantage point, Kathryn could see that the infant was only days old. Chakotay stood with pride radiating from him almost visibly. Kathryn knew this was what he had always wanted.
"The doctor said it was okay, so we thought this was the most appropriate time to introduce everyone to Lani!" There was a chorus of good wishes.
"They had a very hard time conceiving. They tried for over two years, and she lost several fetuses. In another three years, she'll die in childbirth. Very unusual nowadays, even with your primitive medical techniques." Q told her. Kathryn barely heard him, her eyes instead locked on Chakotay. She felt her throat closing up, and couldn't believe the depth of the love she felt.
"What about him? Will he be okay?" she whispered hoarsely.
"He'll raise Lani alone. Torres will try to help him of course, but she has three children by then." Q snorted in disdain. "Whoever said Klingons and humans had trouble reproducing wasn't acquainted with those two. He never dates or marries anyone else. Never shows any interest in anyone else. Goes on those vision quests everyday when he's off duty."
"What about us?"
"Kathryn, you and he haven't spoken beyond polite trivialities since that night in your quarters." His words dropped into her consciousness like stones, and she felt dread grip her soul. Thirty-seven years...without her best friend, without the love she'd always wanted? How was she standing it? No wonder she sat alone outside her circle of friends, and merely watched them have lives of their own.
As if to answer her question, Captain Janeway rose and left the room abruptly, leaving from the rear doors of the mess hall, so as to not come near Chakotay and his family. Kathryn started visibly, as she watched Chakotay watch her future self (this was getting damned confusing) exit. Something, she was not sure what, glimmered in his eyes briefly, as Captain Janeway vanished.
"Q," she said in despair, "please just—"
Flash.
Back in her ready room, Kathryn had to fight back tears. She didn't want anyone else on the receiving end of Chakotay's love and passion. She didn't want any other woman having his children.
"What is the phrase you humans have, Kathy? Dog in the manger?" Q once again reminded her that he was there.
"I know, I know," Kathryn said, and it was a sign of her soul-weariness that she was even speaking civilly to Q. "I'm afraid to move forward with him, but I don't want him to move forward without me." She sighed, and then looked up suddenly, as if remembering in whose company she stood.
"So, where are we now?" she asked.
"We are now 21 years into this future. You are approximately 15 years from home."
She saw an aging version of herself seated at her desk. This Kathryn Janeway had silvering hair that was clipped short. Her face was more careworn, with more numerous lines around her eyes and mouth, but her figure was as lithe as it had ever been.
Her door chimed. Kathryn sighed; this was getting predictable.
"Come," said her older self, her voice clear as a bell.
A striking young woman entered, with evident Klingon blood. However, the ridges on her forehead were not pronounced, and her hair was a light honey- brown. Her eyes were startlingly deep and blue. Kathryn realized instantly that this must be the child from the baby shower, now about 23 years old. She was wearing the red command uniform of an ensign.
"Captain, could I talk with you for a moment? It's personal, not ship's business." The girl sounded hesitant, and almost shy, and Kathryn wondered how she could be a combination of the strident engineer and her snide pilot husband.
"Certainly, Miral," the captain replied with a friendly smile. "Have a seat."
Miral perched on the edge of her seat, as if to better prepare herself to run from the room if needed. "I needed to talk to someone, and I knew I couldn't talk to Mom or Dad." She plunged ahead, speaking quickly before she could change her mind. "I'm in love."
"Who is the lucky guy?" Captain Janeway asked. Kathryn's mind was whirling to figure out who...Icheb maybe, he had been about 16 when she was born.
"Harry." Miral said in a barely audible voice, but then pulled her chin up abruptly. "I don't care how old he is, and he doesn't care how old I am. He said he used to see me as a child, but he doesn't see me that way anymore!! And what am I supposed to do anyway?" She ranted as well as her mother, Kathryn noted. "It's not my fault we're stuck out here, and there's no one my age that's not my brother or a girl." She must be referring to Chakotay's daughter, and the baby B'Elanna had been pregnant with; Kathryn watched the scene with undisguised interest.
"No, Miral, I suppose that blame lies with me," Janeway said bitterly. "It was my decision that landed us out here in the Delta Quadrant. And it has affected everyone we've touched. And I want you to know I'm sorry for that."
Miral looked abashed. "I didn't mean to sound like I was blaming you. But I know Mom and Dad are going to flip out, because he's like family, but he's not family. And he's so sensitive and handsome." Kathryn tried to envision a distinguished middle-aged Harry Kim, perhaps with hair graying around his temples. Yes, he would be handsome.
"Flip out?" Janeway raised her eyebrows. Kathryn chuckled to herself, more of Tom's 20th century slang, no doubt. "Miral, most people on this ship would probably 'flip out', and justifiably so. He's your father's best friend, and more than old enough to be your father. How much could you really have in common? Our circumstances are not normal, and I apologize for that. But a marriage because he's the only one around would be ill- advised." Janeway spoke very calmly and kindly, but Miral looked stricken.
"I really didn't think you would say that," the younger woman admitted.
"Why? Doesn't everyone call me an old crank?" Janeway retorted. Miral looked upset, and hastened to explain that nobody had ever called her that, but Janeway waved away her comments with a smile. "No offense taken or meant, Miral. I am an old crank. But I do have life experience, and I can give advice."
Miral exited the room quietly, with a disappointed backward glance at her captain, who appeared to be thousands of light-years away. And she was, Kathryn knew, she was on New Earth, the last time she could remember being completely free and happy...free to love him, in a way she hadn't been since.
"She took your advice, you know," Q interjected into the silence. Kathryn continued to watch tears course down her future self's face, in mourning for things lost. "Old Cradle Robber wasn't very happy about it, but she wouldn't budge. You figured that she'd meet someone, or fall in love with Icheb, or forget about Harry. But she never marries, not even after Voyager gets home. Harry dies on an away mission, about 12 years from now, and she is at his side when he dies. Three years later, you get back to Earth, and are hailed as a hero. But you are still alone."
"What happens to Chakotay?" she asked through trembling lips.
"He goes to Dorvan. You never see him again, after Voyager is decommissioned. Neither of you ever go to any of the reunions." Kathryn pondered the emptiness of such an existence.
"You said, you said that this was one of many potential paths." She remembered their conversation from earlier, and said those words to him, almost accusingly.
"So I did, Kathy, so I did."