Chapter 2: Perfect

~Dear Ben,

I am so sorry. I really am. Things have been so confusing for me lately, and when Dad said that you were gone, I just assumed that you left purely out of selfishness. When I asked Dad to mail the previous letter to you, he asked what it was, and I told him, and then he told me everything. I don't know why he didn't tell me the truth from the beginning. I guess things have been pretty hard for him lately. When he told me what happened, I started crying and screaming. I said some pretty mean things to him, like it was him that made you... leave, and that I wish he left instead of you. Then I ran to my room and cried a bit and then I remembered all the awful things I wrote in my letter so now I'm writing this and it was supposed to be an apology but now I'm just ranting and there's tears all over this paper and I said bad things to you and Dad and life will never be like it used to be before this all started and its all my fault.

I'm really just writing this for myself at this point, because even if you did read this letter, you would never forgive me after what I wrote just before this. But I hope that you can forgive me. And I hope that Dad will forgive me. I'll apologise to him soon, but right now I just need to be alone and take it all in. I can't remember if I mentioned this in the first letter, and to be honest I don't want to read it over to check, but I just got out of the hospital today. It's so great to be back home again, even if it's a bit messy now. I'll be going back to school soon, and I'll be getting a tutor to help catch up on all my missed work. It's not as good as having you around to help me, but it'll have to do.

I feel a little bit better now. I'm going to go apologise to Dad. I can't get mad at him. He and I are in this together now, and we can't afford to lose each other. Things haven't been easy for anyone lately, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to make things right again.

I just wish you had stayed.

Love, Serena~

X

Ben was told that he was lucky. And in many ways, he was. A late-night driver had found him on the bridge before he had caught a cold or something worse. When Ben met with the police, he was initially stubborn, choosing not to say anything. But eventually information was coaxed out of him with calming words and soft smiles. The police were shocked at just what the young child had been through, and offered him many condolences, which Ben ignored.

Another reason Ben was lucky was because, while telling the police what had happened that night that caused him to be crying in the rain on a bridge, he mentioned how his mother had hurt herself. The police pushed for more information on how she was hurt, and Ben had no reason not to tell them. He even told them about when he had been hurt. The whole time, he remained in silent tears, though he did feel stronger than he did before. When the police finished their questioning, one officer put his hand on Ben's shoulder and told him that he would make sure that Ben didn't return to his father. The thought of being raised by only his father never crossed the child's mind that night, but he was glad it wouldn't be happening.

The third reason Ben was lucky was because he was being adopted. Apparently many children go their whole lives without being adopted, and the odds were even slimmer for anyone not considered a baby. But by only the morning after Ben found himself in the compassionate company of William and Amanda Lynn.

The Lynn's were a young, happy couple who felt that they were ready to have their first child together. The two were often seen as very kind and charitable people around their neighborhood. They chose to adopt a child instead of having one of their own because they understood how many innocent children live their lives without loving and supporting families, and wanted to help fill that void. When they heard about Ben's situation, they did not even hesitate to welcome him as the newest addition to their little family.

Ben was not as inviting.

The first time Ben met his new 'family', they had been all smiles and friendly greetings. Something about them seemed like they were trying too hard, though Ben had no idea why they would be. It seemed incredibly backwards that they were trying to make him like them, but he really had no cause to complain. Or at least he didn't at first, but after a while the act started to really annoy him.

Throughout the car ride to Ben's new home, he was bombarded with questions about himself, most of which he had no answer for. The fact that he still a toddler and was mainly kept inside for most of his life until recently meant that he had very few life experiences.

"Are there any games you like to play?" Amanda asked from the passenger seat of the car.

"No." Ben replied in a tired, monotone voice.

"C'mon, there must be something." She pressured.

"Nope" Ben really didn't have an answer for her, but he also just didn't want to talk. Just the night before, he had witnessed his mother commit suicide. He didn't really feel up for idle chitchat.

"Well then, what do you do to pass the time?" William asked. Something in voice sounded a bit accusing, but Ben chose to ignore it. He had a tendency to misread people's emotions, and that resulted in many mistakes that got Ben in trouble. The man was probably just trying to be polite.

"I read sometimes." Ben answered, which was the closest thing to a real answer the young couple had gotten in the whole car ride.

"You can read?" Amanda said surprised. Ben had no clue why. If he could talk, why wouldn't he know how to read and write?

"Yeah" he said, going back to single syllable answers.

"Looks like we have a bit of a genius on our hands, honey!" William said with fake enthusiasm. The two of them were quiet, waiting for Ben to thank the man for the compliment. Ben did no such thing, and instead looked out the window, watching the various tall buildings glide past him.

At last, there was a lull in the conversation. At last Ben had a chance to enjoy the peaceful drive and reflect on all the things that had recently happened. It all seemed so sudden. Just the other day he was in his cozy home with his mother. He had spent the day coloring a picture until the storm started, and he grew too unnerved to do much besides stare out the window. But now his mother was gone, and the only thing he had from his home was a small suitcase mostly filled with clothes and other personal items he needed. He never thought he would ever miss that run-down house, not that it wa-

"So what kind of things do you like to read, Ben?" Amanda interrupted his train of thought with another annoying question. Ben groaned internally. It was going to be a long car ride.

X

"...And this is your new bedroom!" Amanda, who now insisted on being called 'Mom', announced. She swung the door open, presenting the room that Ben was told to call his own from now on. The room in question reminded Ben a lot of the rest of the building. It had a bed with blue sheets that had enough room for seven of him to sleep comfortably. There were two different dressers that matched the white bed frame, the smaller of the two having an elegant mirror hanging above it. Across from the bed was a flimsy yet still elegant clock. Beside the bed was a nightstand with a lamp that was the same blue as the bed's blanket. There was even a potted plant by the window and three abstract paintings that matched the room's white and blue theme. If there was one word to describe the room, and the house in general, it would be 'catalogue '.

"It's too big" Ben said, not whining, but still complaining like a child would. He had a feeling that the couple had picked up on his bad attitude over the day, but decided to ignore it. At the same time, Ben had no intentions of cheering up, as he had absolutely no time with his own thoughts since he first met the couple. He felt like he was being smothered by their cheeriness and enthusiasm, and therefore felt he didn't owe it to them or anyone else to smile back.

"Don't worry," said 'Dad', "It'll feel a whole lot smaller once all your things are in here." He reassured. Ben knew this was a lie, though. The suitcase that held all the belongings that were salvaged from his home could easily and comfortably fit inside a single dresser drawer. Ben decided not to call him out on his lie, though. At this point, it just didn't seem worth the time.

"Speaking of which," 'Mom' continued, "we should probably start unpacking." She stepped into the large room and put his suitcase on the soft carpet and started zip it open.

"I'll do it myself." Ben said. This would be the perfect opportunity to have some much-needed time to himself and his mind. The couple exchanged a glance, their expressions unreadable to everyone but themselves, like a sort of secret language. This irritated Ben. He hated when people kept secrets from him.

"Alright, then. If you need any help, we'll be in the living room. You remember how to get there, right?" Ben nodded eagerly, his cold composure faltering for a moment before he quickly collected himself. The two waved goodbye like it was the last time they'd see him before walking out the door behind them, leaving him alone. More out of habit than anything else, Ben waited by the door for one, two, three long moments after they left before letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding. At last, he could he him.

Ben hoisted himself onto the blue bed and sat down, crossing his legs. He sighed. The room was completely quiet besides the ticking of a clock on the wall adjacent to him. He took several deep breaths, calming himself down before he began to think.

tick

His mother was dead. Ben felt no need to sugar coat it anymore; it was just a fact. She had killed herself willingly, and had made the decision to end her life that night. Whether she had planned it in advance, or she had reached her breaking point after she hurt herself that night, Ben would never know.

tick

No, she didn't hurt herself. His father was the one who hurt her, and his father was the one who hurt him. It was his father who made his mother to commit suicide that night. It was his father that caused Ben to be snatched from his home and into this painfully perfect world.

Tick

But what was so wrong about this new life, this new family, and this new opportunity for normalcy? Ben knew that his old family was dysfunctional. That became apparent once he met this new 'average' family. He likely wouldn't have survived long in that old life. Should he shrug that whole world off like a heavy load and embrace this new life?

Tick

No. He didn't belong here. His place of belonging always has and always will be with his mother. Denying that would be like denying his own self, denying who he was. These people obviously now happy the way things were. They were lying to themselves, pretending that everything in the world is just perfect with their perfect smiles and perfect clothes and perfect life. It was painful for Ben to even think about them.

Tick

Ben would never be like them. No matter what the costs, Ben would make sure that he stayed true to himself. He would make sure that they didn't infect him with their counterfeit joy. He would make sure of it, even if it ended up killing him.

Tick

And maybe that was why his mother had ended it. It was not his father at all, but rather the lies that founded the earth and everyone in it. She, much like Ben, was not like the rest of society, and therefore had to die in order to hide from people like Ben's newfound faux family that tried so hard to change him from the moment they first met.

TICK

Suddenly, Ben lost his concentration. He couldn't quite remember what he was thinking about. He tried his best to remember, but it was like trying to grab something just out of his reach. He winced, only now realising that a throbbing headache had grown while he was distracted. Such intense, philosophical thinking was not easy for one as young as him.

TICK

Ben looked up at the clock. He realised that it was its loud ticking that had broken his concentration. He glared at it, but it still kept ticking away. He then found himself growling at it slightly like he had seen dogs do, but it persisted. What was its problem? Why was everything in the world so determined to keep Ben from comprehending his own broken life? What is the world trying to hide? Couldn't he be alone for one minute? Was that really too much to ask of the universe?

tick

Ben lost it.

He let out a loud shout before charging at the clock. Without thinking twice, he pulled it from the wall and threw it to the ground. When it didn't break, he picked it up and smashed it into the floor repeatedly until eventually it was nothing more but large splinters scattered along the carpet. When Ben no longer heard the infernal ticking, he stopped and stared at the mess. He couldn't believe that he did that. Usually he just kept things to himself, but this time he lost control. And something about it felt... good?

"What happened!?" he saw Amanda standing in the doorway, her hands covering her mouth. She must have heard his shouting. Ben just looked away from her and to the mess on the floor.

"Ben, what happened?" she asked, slightly calmer this time, but still with a lingering note of surprise.

"Won't tell those details to you." He said quietly, his voice completely calm and reserved. He didn't take his eyes off of what was once a very expensive clock.

"Excuse me?"

"Won't tell that to you" he said more loudly than before. He then decided to turn and look at his imposter mother. Her eyes looked hurt, like someone had just insulted her. In fact, she looked like she might start crying. Part of Ben felt awful. He didn't want to hurt anyone. He just wanted to be alone. But then he remembered that she was part of the reason he couldn't be alone. She was in the way. She deserved this.

That was when Ben saw it. He saw part of the code that held this perfect little word together. In order to maintain this false perfection, people depended on each other to follow rules. Rules that nobody set, yet somehow were universally followed. But if somebody interrupted the world's flow, put a stain in its flawless plan, then people would see him as an error. He would be cast out, seen as a flaw, and he could be away from all the lies in the world.

As long as Ben could continue to perform these small acts of chaos, then he wouldn't have to be bothered by others.

So that was exactly what Ben did.

X

It took nearly a month, but Ben eventually began to achieve peace. It was not easy, but he knew he had the courage it took to reach his goal. He had spent the majority of his life prior to recent events being scared of getting in trouble, but now that was his very goal. He had started out with simply breaking expensive-looking trinkets like the clock, and then started to deny his new parents the respect they wanted. He called them by their real names instead of 'Mom' and 'Dad', and said very little to them when they spoke to him. When he did speak, he didn't say what they wanted to hear.

Speaking of which...

"Ben, why do you keep doing this?" William asked. Ben was sitting on the sofa in the living room when he had stormed in, holding the cover of a book with half its pages ripped out and the other half covered in crayon. Apparently he did not appreciate Ben's latest artwork, which he had titled Lord of Despise.

Ben remained silent. The man should have figured out Ben's motives by now. It William couldn't figure out what he was doing wrong by now, then everything that happened to him was only his own fault.

"Answer me, Ben." He was getting frustrated. Ben felt incredibly successful for being able to bring such perfect people so low. It almost made it worth being constantly annoyed. At least they were showing their true colors now.

"Benjamin Lynn, you will answer me!" That hurt. Even after weeks of work, they still insisted that Ben be assimilated a one of them. Ben would not take that.

"That's not my name." And it wasn't. Even though his last name had been changed during the adoption process, his first name was still simply Ben. It wasn't short for anything. His name, as far as the child was concerned, would always be Ben. That was who he was. Nobody would change that. Nobody.

Ben thought he was able to remain stoic, but William must have been able to see that he felt slighted. He sat down on the couch next to Ben and put the tattered novel on the coffee table. Ben refused to look at the man, instead studying the small hands that rested on his lap.

"Ben, me and Mo- erm, Amanda understand that things must have been very difficult for you lately." Ben widened his eyes slightly. The couple always referred to each other as 'Mom' and 'Dad' when he was around.

"But we just want to be there for you. Instead of taking everything out on us, just tell us what the problem is. We're family, and families are there for each other in their time of need. Me and Amanda, we've tried our best to make you as happy as we can, but we can't succeed unless you stop pushing us away."

Ben had heard the lecture before. Every time, Ben stayed quiet, and he was eventually left alone. That was great in short term, but it seemed things would never be completely fine unless Ben drove it in their thick skulls exactly what he wanted. Ben felt like he had lost some sort of game by telling William the problem, but it had to be done. Ben turned to the man, and said with all the confidence he could muster:

"I will never be a part of this family."

The two of them looked into each other's eyes for a moment before William sighed. "Yeah, I thought that was it." Ben didn't show it, but he was a bit surprised. It seemed these people weren't as dimwitted as they seemed. The man got up from the sofa and walked away, leaving Ben to himself in the empty living room.

He was alone, but he had no idea what to do. He stared at Lord of Despise, the pig on the cover staring back at him through the red scribbles he had drawn. It looked almost as if it was sad. For a moment, Ben felt like his actions were less like freedom fighting and more like a waste of a good book. But then he remembered that he had to do this. It was the only way things could be like they used to be, before life became a lie.

X

At first, Ben thought he had won.

He wasn't sure if there was one specific event that had caused the couple to break, or if it was the result of nearly two months of defiance, but that didn't really matter to him. The important thing was that they had given up. William and Amanda had told him that they were sorry, but it seemed they weren't cut out for being parents after all. He knew they were lying, of course, because they really just weren't cut out for being his parents. Ben had no problem with that, though. It made him feel special.

He was told that he would be living with a foster family. As far as he could tell, it would be like a real family but without the constant affection. This meant that he could be alone with himself, the only person that mattered to him anymore. Nobody to pester him with lies and deceit. Just Ben.

It didn't turn out that way, though. The people he was forced to stay with were an older couple who loved to smile and were very hospitable to guests and the children they cared for. When Ben had first met them, they had introduced themselves as Gerald and Katherine. They gave him a grand tour of the house the moment he arrived. The building was small, but not in the cozy and sheltering way his first home was. This one felt more... empty.

But what told Ben that he had now won after all was what the man said to him the moment he first saw him. It would seem innocent enough to anyone watching, and maybe even a tiny bit heartwarming. But for Ben, it was a sign that told him that his work was far from over:

"Hello Ben. We hope you'll feel right at home here with us. If you ever need anything, be sure to let us know."

Another perfect couple that refused to leave him alone. Another perfect couple that tries to assimilate him into their lying ways. Another perfect couple he would need to break.

Ben sighed. He guessed he just wasn't very lucky.