Unteachable
A/N: Hey everyone, thank you all for the reviews, follows and favs! I'm glad so many people seem interested in the story. The majority of you who guessed guessed right, Rin has severe ADHD, however he isn't hyperactive. This is what used to be known as ADD but is now called ADHD, Primary Inattentive (PI). Those of us with this form of ADHD often fly under the radar because we don't stand out and many misunderstand us for being rude, lazy, slow, and unmotivated. Especially girls. This also happens to be what I am diagnosed with, and I can't even tell you the number of people who are shocked to find out I have severe ADHD because I seem very calm and 'in control'(I had a nice long rant with Love Psycho over this among other things, thanks for that :]). What they don't realize is how many years I have put into learning to organize myself and how hard I try to say the right things and not over talk or interrupt, which is something I still fail at most of the time. After a lot of self reflection and research for this fic, I have come to realize that most of us with this form of ADHD tend to be generally nervous/anxious, worrisome, very emotionally sensitive (one website went so far as to described us as seeming very 'fragile'), and crave acceptance and approval. This can lead to panic attacks, depression, and even rageful or violent outbursts that are immediately followed by regret and self-loathing, all of which I have experienced myself in varying degrees of severity (actually I have felt general self-loathing as long as I can remember).
I promise that this is my last really long note. From here on out if there is anything I add information wise it will be short, or anecdotal stories about myself in relation to the chapter and might include how ADHD effected that situation. While there is a plot here, the chapters will start to take on a 'slice of life' feel and will range in lengths depending on the subject and might even have some time skips, though they won't be large.
Disclaimer: I do not own Blue Exorcist or any of the characters pertaining to the original Anime and Manga. All rights go to Kazue Kato and all affiliated firms and corporations.
XoxoxoX
Chapter 2- F*** Sleep
XoxoxoX
Rin clicked the pen in his hand repeatedly as he stared at the open book, rereading the page for the third time. He was beginning to grow very frustrated and agitated with the whole thing, but he didn't want to stop. For the first time in years, not only was someone willing to help him out with school but expected him to complete his work, and he really didn't want to show up on Sunday just to disappoint Suguro. So, Rin sat back on his bed with the book open and attempted to take some notes, though he wasn't even sure what kind of notes he needed to have.
The book itself wasn't all that difficult to understand once he actually got the context. Rin was even beginning to figure out how the story started even though he didn't read the first half of it. However, there were just so many things keeping him from physically reading in a timely manner that he was starting to feel disheartened. He had devoted hours the last two days to reading this book, yet Rin was barely halfway through the pages Suguro wanted him to read. For some reason, he just couldn't remain focused. He usually could get through a few pages before his mind would wander elsewhere and before he knew it Rin had read the whole page but absorbed none of it. He would have to go back and reread the whole thing again, and this would repeat a couple of times before he could actually continue. Another problem, and one he was truly terrified to admit, was that he didn't recognize some of the kanji. Rin was fine with kana (hiragana and katakana), but there was some kanji he never learned to read or write. For the most part, he could get the context of a sentence based on what he could read. Still, there were some sentences that were lost on him. It was frustrating, mostly because he didn't want Suguro to think he was slacking, or, worse, stupid.
"Nii-san..."
He fiddled with the pen tab again. Rin had always liked working with his hands, which is probably why he liked cooking so much. Everything just came together right and he didn't have to think hard about what his next step should be, or if he needed to adjust a recipe, or in what order and at what time he had to work with separate dishes. All of it just seemed to flow naturally for him. It was also very relaxing work for him.
"Nii-san!"
Rin was shaken out of his thoughts as his twin brother, Yukio, called out to him from his bed on the other side of the room.
"Hmm...?"
"Nii-san, you should turn off the lamp and go to sleep." He suggested. "It's past midnight already."
"Eh? Shit, am I keeping you awake?"
"No," Yukio heaved a sigh. Really, he could sleep in just about any condition because of the elder twins poor sleeping habits, "you need to sleep, though. You haven't had a good rest in days."
"Pfft, I'm fine." Rin said, casually waving off his brother's concern. "I don't need sleep."
"No you're not fine." He answered his twin in exasperation as he sat up. "You've probably been falling asleep in class again and-"
"Have you been keeping tabs on me or something!" Rin interjected, incensed that his little brother might be spying on him.
"No! Nii-san, listen to me. I said you've 'probably' been falling asleep in class because that's what you do when you don't sleep at night." Yukio didn't want to start a fight with his brother, so he softened his voice a little as he added. "Everyone needs sleep, even you."
"Yukio I don't have time to sleep, I need to finish reading this for tomorrow afternoon and I'm only half way done."
"Maybe you should have started earlier-"
"I did!" Rin shouted as he flung the book down on his comforter. "I started yesterday and gave myself some time both then and today. I'm just... having a hard time getting it done." He stopped himself before admitting to his brother just how bad his reading trouble was. Frustration was taking its toll and Rin rubbed his hands against his face briskly.
What Yukio said wasn't meant to belittle Rin and he was only trying to give him some advice, but his brother had always been easy to hurt, even if he hid it well.
Yukio eyed Rin carefully, before saying. "You need a break, Nii-san. Just get a good nights sleep and start again in the morning."
Rin stretched his arms back and folded his hands behind his head. He hated when his little brother sounded sensible. All he wanted to do was shout 'fuck sleep!' and be done with it, but he knew Yukio was right.
"Nii-san..."
That didn't mean that he actually wanted to try and sleep. He would much rather play a game, surf the web, or even read that accursed book then staring at the glowing numbers of his clock in the dark counting down how many hours of sleep he could get in before morning from one moment to the next.
"Nii-san."
The alarm on his clock didn't even work anymore and a new one would probably cost more then he had. Rin didn't particularly like the design of his previous one, either. It was a simple, round, white clock that only made beeping noises to wake him up. That was boring as hell, and Rin decided that he would try to get something that could play music as an alarm next time.
"Nii-San!"
"Huh? What is it Yukio?"
His little brother sighed deeply before saying, "Just give it a try."
"Give what a try?"Rin asked, genuinely curious.
"Sleep."Yukio stressed, a little perplexed at his brother's lapse. "Try clearing your mind, or if you can't do that," he added quickly when he saw Rin's mouth beginning to open in protest, "then try thinking about something mundane enough that will put you to sleep."
"Fine." Rin grumbled as he flipped the light off and lay down in his bed, lifting as much hair off the back of his neck as he could so it wouldn't tickle and bother him while he slept, and tried to turn his head in a way that it would lay against the pillow.
Yukio smirked triumphantly at having won the battle in less time then usual, and returned to his own rest.
However, Rin simply stared at the ceiling as he tried to steer his mind away from things that kept him thinking actively, or were otherwise stressful, but he just couldn't. He needed to finish reading that book. Suguro would be meeting up with him in the afternoon the next day and he was still only half way through. The plot was becoming a little clearer to him, but he really didn't want to disappoint his tutor with half formed opinions. Maybe, if he got up at seven in the morning and devoted the entire day to reading he could get it finished. How many hours had it taken him to read half the assignment? About six? Then that would give him just enough time to finish the assignment and make some notes on it. Though, the notes may not happen with so little time. However, he had to try and get them done regardless.
Rin shook his head and took a deep breath to chase those thoughts and the stress away. At this point, there was little else he could do to change anything and he was only worrying himself by trying to work it out. He cleared his mind and tried to allow himself to drift off. There was one problem, though.
Just as he was beginning to feel that floating, lightness that occurred before he dropped off, he shifted and something lightly scratched against his neck. He tried to ignore it at first, but the sensation was too annoying to not notice. Quickly reaching into the back of his shirt, he realized it was the tag and tried to move it. That didn't work, in fact, the sensation became worse. He sat up in bed and removed the shirt, throwing it carelessly on the floor before getting up and opening some of his dresser drawers.
"Nii-san? What are you doing?" Yukio asked, half asleep, as he listened to his brother banging around noisily.
"I'm just getting another shirt, Yukio. Go back to sleep." "Mmm-k." His little brother mumbled as he drifted off again.
Once the new shirt was pulled over his head, Rin sighed in relief and trudged back to his bed. He felt much better... for a couple minutes. The problem with this shirt was that it was just a little to snug in the shoulder, and the seam kept rubbing against Rin's under arms. Growling in frustration, he ripped off the shirt and threw it in the same direction as the previous shirt, deciding he was better off sleeping without a shirt. Rin settled back down into bed and turned to lay on his side, thinking he was home free.
However, he felt his frustration with clothing beginning to build again when his pant legs started to bunch beneath his knees. He, once again, tried to ignore the building frustration, and wiggled his legs and used his feet to pull down the loose pants. None of this worked, though, and Rin finally gave up. Not wanting to even try and find a more comfortable pair of pants, he simply pulled them off and pushed them over the side of the bed and, for good measure, did the same with his underwear.
Now stark naked beneath the bedding, he felt himself begin to relax and unwind. He adjusted the sheets so they lay over him evenly and huddled into himself. Rin glanced at the clock on his bedside table and sighed a little.
2:19... If I fall asleep right now, I could get a good four hours of sleep.
XoxoxoX
This is perhaps one of the most aggravating side effects of ADHD for me... sleep, or lack thereof. I find my mind wandering to things that make me anxious or nervous, but more frustrating then that is that I simply cannot feel comfortable in clothing. I often forego the trouble of trying to wear PJ's and sleep naked instead, or maybe with a soft sports bra. I once had this discussion with another friend of mine who also has severe ADHD, PI and she agreed, clothing sucks and we would rather sleep naked.
Its not just in sleep either. I cannot wear shirts with sleeves that end between my elbow and my wrist, it has to be either above my elbow or well over my wrist. Same concept with pants and sock. Flood jeans and ankle socks kill me. Thank you again!