Summary:
"Can you even surf?" Clint asked him.
"Of course." Stark snorted.
Parked some way away from the circus' vehicles and tents, the van was an original classic VW Camper van, small and perfectly in keeping with Stark's "look". It was in immaculate condition, with original blue and white paint colours and shiny chrome. There was a large storage box on the front of the roof and another on the back. Attached to the back of it was indeed a trailer with space for his bike to be tied down, a large storage box and two surfboards in cases attached to a rack.
"The roof goes up for more sleeping space, one of us can sleep up there and there's an awning extension. There's a generator, a solar panel and my mechanics tools in the cases, and a little porta-potty I'm hoping we don't have to use, and some other gear. Will it do?" Stark asked him.
Clint gave him a sidelong look. Stark seemed almost uncertain.
"Till we can get something bigger, it'll be fine." Clint said. "Glad to see you brought my trailer."
"Would I leave you riding in the rain when we can drive in comfort?"
Clint snorted. Whilst Stark's love of comfort was notorious, he doubted the seats in the ancient camper were particularly comfortable.
"Can you even surf?" Clint asked him.
"Of course." Stark snorted.
"I can." Clint added.
"I know, 'Tasha helped with the cover finding something that would work for both of us."
"Where'd the tattoo come from?" Clint asked.
"Something that Bruce and Jarvis cooked up." Stark said.
Clint hadn't spent as much time as Tasha working with Stark, but he was pretty sure Stark was not telling the truth, or maybe not the whole truth about that.
"It's actually in the skin and it won't wash off, it'll stay till I take the "antidote", then it breaks down."
That was a lie. Clint was certain. But he wasn't sure why.
"Steve did the artwork." Tony continued, running his fingers over it. "I kinda like it, even if purple is the only available colour at the moment. But it means I can't be Tony doesn't it?"
"I like it." Clint said.
"'Tasha said you would."
"So where's Tony?"
"Recovering from open heart surgery of course." Stark said. "Rebuilding a hole in my chest, bones and all. Could take me out for weeks, but it's now guaranteed I'll get over it so it won't significantly hit the stock prices. Could take longer if I'm slow in recovering from it. Jarvis is being 'me' giving phone and videocast meetings from my sickbed with the Board if needed."
"You well enough for this?" Clint asked him pointedly.
"Information about my surgery may have exaggerated the extent of the work." Tony said. "And I'm pretty certain the people I can get in and fix me are using techniques way beyond what the Board and public are aware of, so yeah, I'm good now, they think I'll be out for another couple of months. And I'm out of the whole public arena, it's a good break and Captain America has volunteered to stand in for my public appearances so the public aren't disappointed. It's doubled the rate of ticket purchases to the latest Stark charity fundraising gala."
"I bet Steve loves that."
Stark grinned. "Well, he said he guessed he had to take one for the team. And Pepper's overjoyed, Steve is apparently a really good dancer."
Clint gave him a long look as Stark took a couple of keys off his keyring, handing them to Clint.
"So what does Pepper think about this?" He asked.
"Well," Tony said with an easy, fake, smile, "you must have heard we had a kinda rough few days."
"You could say that." Clint deadpanned.
"Yeah, well, Pepper needs a bit of a break. We're good, really good, but she needs time not to be worried and to uh, get over what happened to her."
"So you're undercover?"
"So I'm somewhere where I can't go running off in the suit, I can't be up all hours in the lab, I can't act out, I'm under constant scrutiny by you and Hill." Tony shrugged. "Yeah, Pepper's fine."
"You think you can do this, Dan? " Clint asked as he unlocked the side door of the van. "Be Dan, Ray's boyfriendconvincingly for as long as it takes?"
"Not straight in the first place." Stark said, sliding past him to sit on the back seat of the van. "And 'Tasha said you had done it undercover before with..." He stopped.
"With Coulson." Clint finished.
"Yeah," Stark said barrelling on. "So I was pretty certain you could fake it."
"And what does Pepper think?"
"Pepper's good." Tony said. "Pepper is practical. She had a long chat with Natasha and Hill, got JARVIS to hack your medical records to make sure you were clean, then told me to do what I needed to do to do this. Then told me any sleeping round on you and she'd set Natasha on me."
Clint was surprised.
"I love Pepper and Pepper loves me, but I've got no illusions, I'm hard work, sometimes Pepper needs a break. This way she's not worrying about me. It's not what happens around me she worries about, it's the stuff I do, here, I can't do anything." Tony shrugged. "And she likes you. She rates 'Tasha's opinions."
There was silence before Clint spoke.
"First of all, don't bother lacing your boots unless you're doing something heavy like tent raising." Clint told him. "And you never ever wear boots in the caravan, it gets mucky fast. Take 'em off and kick them under the van, or put them on the mat inside."
Tony nodded.
"Some of the people here are Romany, I don't know all the rules but they've got rules about washing and eating. If we're gonna fit in, you can't wash yourself in the same bowl we wash plates in, they have separate bowls for washing plates, clothes and people." Clint added. "Elsewise they wouldn't want to accept coffee or dinner from us and we need to mingle." He shrugged. "Makes sense as well, don't wanna wash your ass or socks in the bowl you wash cups in."
Tony grinned then realisation dawned on his face. "We're going to wash our clothes by hand?"
Clint nodded. "When we can't get to a laundrette, so you need to go shopping. Hit Walmart." Clint advised him. "Make sure they're different colours too. We'll need two water carriers too."
"Anything else?" Tony asked.
"Don't put anything dirty down on eating surfaces. Food only. We'll have lap trays for food only."
Tony gave him a funny look.
"It's a really crowded space. You have to be clean and tidy. It's really hard to keep things clean otherwise."
"But it's not muddy here."
"No." Clint said. "It's dusty and sandy, which is almost worse. It'll get in everything."
Tony nodded.
"So is the van stocked? What food did you bring?"
"I don't know," Tony said, "Bruce packed it all."
"Did you pack any of this?"
"No, no-one would let me, except for the tools and the surfboards."
Clint snorted.
"Apparently I have no idea what people would take and in Natasha's words "it would do me good to see how the other half lived", I mean, three months in a cave, anyone?"
Clint's grin softened for a moment. "That was torture, you know, not how the other half lived."
"Huh." Tony huffed, but watched as Clint went through the food cupboards Bruce had packed. "Do you know what to do with any of this?" He asked.
"You have broken into my file haven't you?"
"I haven't read it." Tony said.
Clint looked over his shoulder and fixed him with a stare.
"I might have had Jarvis give me a potted history without any personal details."
"Hence why you're here." Clint finished. "So who do you think made dinner when I was a kid?"
"You can cook?"
"I can cook. After years of living in the circus and years of being posted to places all over the globe I can cook dinner from pretty much anything if I have to."
"So how come Bruce does all the cooking?"
"Have you tasted the food that man makes?" Clint grinned. "Seriously Dan, his food is awesome, even you recognise that."
Stark smiled, staring at the pack of dried beans in Clint's hands.
"Dan," Clint said.
It took Tony a moment to realise it was him being addressed. Not a super spy here, okay. He focused on Clint, no, Ray.
"You can do chemistry right?" Clint continued.
Tony gave him a withering look.
"And you have good hand eye coordination, and the ability to read instructions and detect changes in things you're working with?"
"Of course." Tony snapped.
"Then you can cook."
"And exactly where am I going to get instructions from?"
"You see that packet of rice," Clint threw a packet at him, "look at the back. What does it say?"
"Certified one hundred percent organic."
"Under that."
"Ingredients – 100% organic American whole grain rice."
"Stop being a cock. Under that."
"Instructions."
"There you go, practically everything has them on."
"So what's dinner?"
Clint held up a couple of eggs in his other hand. "Egg fried rice with vegetables. Cheap, filling, quick and easy." Clint said.