AN: Here's the second chapter. Thank you for the reviews and the subscriptions! Things are getting a bit hotter in this chapter, and soon... bwahaha! I mean, hope you enjoy it.
This was beta'd by the lovely EsmeAmelia since I first published, some little changes, nothing major!
He have been there for fourteen days, two full Earth weeks. Unfortunately now time mattered to him, locked in that ignorant world. Loki was starting to face the fact he might be in the human form for an indetermined amount of time and might have no power to change it anyway, although the notion bothered him deeply.
In the meantime he would keep his original plan to simulate a true change. He could be patient, if needed. He could wait. Whilst, he had decided to understand some things of humanity to pass through this dark phase of his life with less suffering. Maybe he could even find something amusing or distracting, as the food was.
At that moment Loki was pressing buttons on a remote control, according to Steve, pointing to the television. There were a few different options of this to watch, called channels, and the images upon it were named shows. Most of them were terribly mindless, simple, or pathetic, so most of the time Loki left it turned on a channel that played songs.
Some songs were much, much more terrible than he could imagine. But some of them were bearable and even pleasant and Loki soon realised he could learn several things by paying attention to the words of the songs – even the new words and the modern way of communication itself.
Some songs talked about living in poverty, about the human forms of government, their religions and habits... But most of them talked about sentiments. The thing that weakened humans the most, apparently. Most sentimental songs were utterly stupid, truth be told, but even the stupid ones had the utility of teaching Loki more about the strange and mindless way of living on Earth.
The television was showing images that seemed very antique and out of time, with a long haired woman singing a song of celebration. Loki pondered if that was a truly old recording or a modern imitation.
The celebrating song ended in the same moment that Steve emerged from the bedroom rubbing his eyes, messed fair hair and his white undershirt crooked. Loki couldn't help but notice every part of his housemate and smirk; it was a nice and interesting vision. An improved human being, stronger, smarter, handsomesr than most and yet so emotionally frail.
"Is it an authentic show, from your time or close to it?" Loki asked, pointing to the television while Steve yawned.
"Morning, you too." The man stared at the video carefully. Now another song started and the same woman, now with a different bouffant hair, was singing at the same time images flashed randomly. "I don't know. It seems vintage but I don't think it is original."
He was staring the screen while the ex-god was still staring at him and listening to the music. "Money is the anthem of sucess," it said. "God, you're so handsome," something unintelligible, words he didn't even know. Then, a part that seemed very sexual followed by "summer is in the air and baby, heaven is in your eyes."
Steve was still paying attention to the television, intrigued perhaps in discovering whether it was old or new. "Money is the reason we exist, everybody knows it, it's a fact, kiss kiss" made Loki smile. Hardly a song with such content would succeed in the old times. Such honesty was clearly modern.
"It can't be a original old video. A white woman with a black man would cause a giant scandal and controversy." Steve finally stated, looking at the dark haired man. Only then he noticed Loki's eyes were all the time upon his body and he had a somewhat wicked smile in his face.
He turned his back immediately to prevent Loki from seeing the flush in his cheeks. Almost everything about the mischievous man looked devilish and Steve couldn't even know if that was his intention or not. Maybe he was truly evil to the core. Maybe he was all malice.
"I see... Interesting. Such an arcaic way of thinking." Loki stared at the television again. "You are all humans, equally insignificant in a vast universe of much more powerful gods and species, and still you turn one against each other."
"Not everyone thinks like that, it was just... The social convention. But even back then a lot of good people fought for equal rights for everybody," Steve replied starting to make his coffee. He liked the fact that at least the coffeemaker was simple, without fifty buttons, functions and blinking lights.
"Good people, oh, the famous good people." It was obviously clear, Steve's discomfort regarding some things Loki did and he loved that so much. The shyness of the blond man delighted him. He felt like a wise and experienced men seducing and teasing a virgin. Loki stood up silently and walked close to Steve, talking next to his ear. "Are you a good man, Steve?"
The super soldier froze for a moment. Loki wasn't even touching him anywere, just speaking near to him, but that made him feel terribly cornered and anxious. He feared Loki, powerless and human, mortal and weaker, he feared him. And he feared the fact that he didn't even knew why.
"I like to think so," he answered puffing. Loki was having the time of his life, as a song said the other day, holding his laugh. He could use that type of amusement too.
"Have you done bad things in your life?" Loki asked again and Steve took a step away to the side. The other man followed him.
"I did bad things for a good reason, if I can put it this way. I killed people with worst intentions, I hurt people with evil plans. It was my duty, as a soldier. I don't think it made me a bad person." He replied a little more calmly, raising his eyes to the window above the sink.
"Do you have... Bad thoughts, mayhaps?" Loki insisted, lowering his voice. Steve ground his teeth, getting upset with that stupid mindgame. He might fear the other man, but he would teach him a few things about fear too.
"Yes. I have bad thoughts, specially regarding you," he answered, turning his face to Loki and locking him against the sink with his arms. Loki smiled idly. "I think about smashing your face some nights. I think about all the people you murdered for nothing, about the destruction and the panic you caused with your invasion... I think about the look of terror in people's face. And I think maybe, just maybe, I should put you through the same."
Loki's smile was soon gone. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest painfully and his teeth were gritted involuntarily. Steve didn't actually think that but he said it as if he meant every single word, and it affected the ex-god just as he wanted.
"You would not dare," Loki spoke angrily but his trembling voice betrayed him. "You, you..."
"Sometimes I remember I could crack your skull open with one hand." Steve wasn't really enjoying the panic emerging from Loki's eyes but he had a point to make so he kept his speech. "But then I remember I wanted to ask you a question before doing so..."
"Ask, then, and you shall have your answer," the other man replied boldly and gulped. His eyes were somewhat shinier than the usual. Steve's question was not louder than a whisper.
"Why did you do that? Why hurt and kill so many innocent people? People who had never concerned you before. People you didn't even care about. Why?"
Loki's lips trembled and moved, but no sound came out. The clear blue eyes of the good man were piercing him in a terrible and choking way. He was choking, fighting for words, fighting for air, fighting for a good reason. His eyes started to burn from unwanted tears for which Loki had no explanation.
For a crown, he thought. For power. For pride. For the chance to prove I am able, apt, worthy, deserver! To wipe the shame from Odin's eyes and the arrogance from Thor's face. To show Frigg I never needed her refused embraces or her wavering kisses. For a chance to stand upon all of them, whom I have loved so deeply, who made me face betrayal. For hatred and for shame.
Steve observed with sadness a tear roll down Loki's pale face. Loki breathed deeply as if he had forgot how to do it and started panting, his chest going up and down forcefully. He was going to cry and he didn't know it, the soldier noticed, feeling more sad each minute. Maybe he was just lost. Maybe he was not truly evil.
He then stepped back, away from Loki, glancing him one last time before he withdraw to get his keys and leave the other man alone in the apartment. It would do him good to spent some time alone to weep out his pains or feed his anger about his housemate. And based on the look Loki was giving to him when he left, he was the last person Loki wanted to be with.
He didn't even understand how he got there, but when Loki returned to his mind, he was sitting on the kitchen floor, elbows upon knees, weeping harder than he could remember ever having done before. His hands were fists around his raven hair, pulling it with anger.
It felt as if he was there for a eternity. Oddly, his mind was dull and blank, and he was in a rare moment of not thinking or planning anything. There was simply nothing in his mind, absolutely, and Loki could not understand why. He just wept until his eyes swelled up and his head ached awfully.
He spent countless minutes staring at the tiles in the floor, blinking and sniffing. His head ached. Just when his tights were better... Suddenly his stomach moved and released a strange sound. Loki certainly, positively, absolutely hated being human.
Slowly he stood up only to notice he was dizzy and nauseous. The slim man walked with difficulty into the bathroom, washed his face, and stared himself in the mirror. His eyes were red and circled by purple, his nose was somewhat swollen and red too, his hair messed and dirty. How can a god endure such a terrible face? he thought, washing his face again in the hope that the cold water would magically fix it.
Naturally nothing magical happened and Loki laughed and returned to the kitchen to give some water to his poor dry throat. "I am the God of Lies no longer, yet I remain fooling myself..." he spoke to himself, sighing.
The noise at the door warned him about Steve's return and a bitter taste came up in his mouth. Crack my skull open with one hand, what a audacity, he thought. The notion that all of that was actually constructed to take him off his balance and evoke a human emotion only angered the ex-god more. To get him a little more upset and confused, he felt somewhat grateful for Steve's boldness to shake him and make him not only face what he did, but to face the true motives of his acts.
"Hi," Steve said cautiously after locking the door. Hi, Loki thought sarcastically, I threatned your life and churned your entrails, however I'm such a imbecile that the greatest thing I may say is 'hi'.
"I would appreciate it immensely if you do not talk to me," was his answer. Steve sighed and sat in the couch softly. He spent almost two hours in the street hungry and underdressed hoping that Loki would be better when he returned, or even that he would have to support the other man somehow. But that was still better than a punch in his mouth.
"OK, I won't," he replied. Loki soon locked himself in the bedroom they had divided and Steve went to the coffeemaker and the cold coffee waiting for him, wondering what Loki was thinking. Was he angry? Was he sad? Was he feeling repulsed by Steve fake threats and hard words?
Scrambling with some cookies, he realised he wasn't so hungry anymore.
Steve had not seen Loki's face in three full days. The man would only come out of the bedroom to eat and shower when Steve wasn't around and in the night, he would cover himself completely, head to toe, and pretend he was sleeping. He was scarcely eating and in the fourth day the blond man decided to take an action.
He knew Loki was truly sleeping from his movements. He was extremely unquiet in his sleep, always tossing his blanket, moving his arms, kicking, speaking unknown words and sometimes moaning. Steve learned that if he was quiet, he was still awake or pretending to be sleeping.
Loki had kicked his blanket away and was moving unconsciously over his bed. Sitting, Steve watched him for a few moments, asking himself if he had done the right thing or if all the chances to socialize and improve Loki's behavior had been tossed on the trashcan because of his snap. He had, from the bottom of his heart, a good intention of making Loki face the truth and perhaps rethink what he did... Never to hurt the other man so badly he would refuse to live normally.
He crossed the room and sat in a small space of Loki's bed, calling his name. The dark haired man did not seemed to react, even with Steve repeating his name on and on. Carefully, he putted his hand in Loki's silky hair and ran his fingers through it, calling him again softly.
"Thor?" Loki murmured, opening his eyes slowly. "Thor? I am... So..."
"I'm not Thor," Steve replied, removing his hand. The last thing he needed was a misunderstanding. Loki took some time to awake, to see him properly in the dark room and sighed.
"What do you want, Steve?" he questioned, making Steve ask himself what he wanted, after all.
"I'm worried about you," Steve said in a soft voice. "I understand you are mad at me. But you need to properly eat and to leave this room someday." Loki looked down and weighed his words before saying them.
"Why do you care?" he said sadly. He was recoiling himself in a shell to think, to process his new life and to accept the fact that he would probably stay human until his death for doing despicable things with all the incorrect motives. While others hunted with friends or feasted and drank, Loki always recoiled himself in his personal shell in hard times. It was natural; just as natural as having Odin reprehending him or Thor trying to force him to step out of it.
Steve didn't had a good and rational answer so he just said the truth. "Because I do. Because you matter." He could see Loki's dreary face even in the dark room and wondered why rage seemed to fit him better. It was like Loki was not supposed to be drear and sentimental, but angry and ruthless instead.
"I am not a good person, as I was not a good god. You waste your time caring about me," Loki replied slowly and turned his back to Steve, as if to finish the conversation, but he didn't got his objective.
"What are you, then?" the blond man insisted, tempted to put his hand on Loki's shoulder to show his support, but refrained, scared of the reaction. No word came out from the ex-god. "We are all, all of us, of all races and dimensions, made of several abilities and emotions, whether you like it or not. The labels scarcely made a difference on the truth inside us." He spoke tenderly, in part to himself. Even with his griefs and difficulties, he was the same man and he could learn how to adapt to this new life.
Loki turned again so abruptely that Steve jumped a little. His eyes were bloodshot and he grabbed a fist full of the other man's undershirt, pulling him closer.
"I do not know the truth inside me, Steve. I have no idea what truly lies inside my heart. I am filled with hatred and hurt, I was betrayed by the ones whom I trusted once. At some moments I believe my true wish is to destroy all of them and myself in the end." Steve stammered before giving a good answer.
"They loved you. They received you in their home and lives. How can this be a betrayal?"
"They lied to me!" Loki yelled just a few inches away from the blond's face. "They hid from me my true nature, pretending I belonged with them and pretending poorly! I was never loved like Thor was and I could never forgive myself for it!"
Steve didn't have a good answer for that. Loki let him go, shaking, his fists closed in the wish of punching something or someone. Perhaps Loki had a reason to feel that way, he realised, perhaps Odin and Frigg had truly treated him with some despise. But not Thor, Steve knew. Thor loved him deeply.
"Not him." he whispered making the once god of lies stare him again. "Not Thor. You can hate him for being more loved, for fitting better in Asgard. You can hate the support he had that refused to you... But you cannot hate him for not loving you, Loki. He loves you and you are a fool if you doubt it."
His deep blue eyes were shiny again. Loki analyzed Steve a long time, looking more calm, his chest moving slowly.
"You remind me of him horrendously and I haven't yet decided if, for that, I must love or hate you."
"You must love him," Steve replied with certainty. "Even if he had wronged you too, he is deserved of your love and you are deserved of his." He licked his own lips and smiled a weak smile. "About me, I think if you come to love or hate me, it would be good to do so based solely on myself."
He was unguarded again, Steve noticed when their eyes met. He had that misplaced impression stamped in his face. Loki raised his hand and touched lightly the other man's cheek; lowered it tracing a path with his fingers until he reached the center of his chest. He stopped there feeling Steve's heart beating in his fingertips.
"You have no reason to care, nor to help me. Yet you do. This bloody beating organ indeed controls you." Loki took his hand away and laid on his side, adjusting his pillow. "For once, it might be a good thing."
Steve couldn't help but smile as he returned to his bed. That was the best compliment he could expect from the other man and he seemed a little better, being able to joke again. "Night, Loki."
"Night." Loki closed his eyes and relaxed. Steve only had left to him more things to reflect but speaking and having his support somehow made things look a bit better.
The next morning Loki was already in the kitchen when Steve woke up. A wonderful smell was spreading itself in the small apartment and he found the other man cooking something in the stove.
"What are you doing?" he asked intrigued. He didn't knew Loki knew how to use the stove or cook modern things. The pale man was wearing just green shorts and he smiled when he turned to face Steve.
"Good morning to you too." Steve tried to not to look at Loki's body and fixed his eyes on the ex-god's face. "I am cooking. Pancakes. I found a cooking show on the television teaching about the objects and how to make food easily . . . For children. Do not dare to mock me." Steve started laughing before he could avoid it. "Do not dare!"
"I won't!" He went to the coffeemaker as he did every morning. "It's just... It is a good idea, actually. A children's show must teach everything from the beginning, I guess." He wanted to ask why Loki was behaving so... normal, but decided it would be better to just let him be. He could ask later.
"Of course it is a good idea, hence the fact I gave attention to it." Loki smiled again close to him, blinking. "And I tasted them, they are delicious. Make your coffee and we shall have a decent breakfast."
The pancakes with butter on top were actually really good and Steve liked sitting on the couch and eating beside Loki more than he would have imagined. Loki told him about how the show explained in a simple way how to use the kitchen tools and how to make quick recipes. Not that he was planning to cook lasagnas or anything like that.
They finished the breakfeast and naturally, Loki noticed how unconfortable Steve felt around his near nakedness. Steve couldn't avoid feeling that way and Loki couldn't avoid loving it. He moved a little to the side and rested his torso on Steve's arm, feeling him tense up.
"Which problem do you have concerning my body?" he asked in a neutral tone, shifting the television channels. "It is only a male human body, mostly like yours."
Steve wasn't liking Loki's bare skin touching him but the question was a good one, he had to admit. Why did Loki's body make him so uncomfortable? It was not like he had never seen a male naked torso before, he was in the Army, after all, private showers were a luxury. It was something regarding Loki and his pale and warm skin.
Warm skin, Steve thought, goggling. Loki's back felt so warm against Steve's arm that he wanted to circle Loki in a embrace and pull him closer. His eyes only widened more. He saw Loki's nude legs or chest or stomach quite often and always felt such a strange fascination that he refrained himself from it, getting away from the ambient and Loki's presence if possible. Oh God, he thought remembering Loki's burned thighs. Oh no, he remembered his fingers in the other man's silky black hair and the nice feeling of Loki's hand touching his face. No.
"It's just... A matter of personal space," Steve answered still in shock, completely stiff. Loki sat in his proper place pretending to not notice the odd reactions the blond was having. He deeply wanted to see where all of it were going in the end; he loved mischief, after all.
"I see. What a shame, as you say nowadays, for I like being seminude when I am feeling hot and I like to stay near to you, although I do not know why." Oh, he knew why. Steve was a handsome man and he always had a predilection for handsome people. In Asgard no one cared about titles and names and color of skin or gender when it came to personal relations so Loki was truly uncapable of understanding why humans made such a giant problem of it. Specially as a shape shifter, he had amused himself and others many times changing his gender – at least the ones who were not afraid of him.
"I... It's not that I dislike you," Steve stammered again, squeezing himself away from his temptation. "It could be anyone, you know... It's just that I have a space..." Loki stared him listening with attention and he gulped. "It's a matter of, of comfort and habit." He was scrambling for words in his nervous mind. Good, starting to act like a teenager would help very much.
"You have not the need of justify your actions, I was only curious." Loki waved his hand, almost laughing. Steve was attracted to him and utterly drowned in denial, it didn't take magical powers to see that. Loki also started pondering if teasing and mocking Steve with his wicked intentions was a good choice, once he was apparently the only person on Earth to trust him and care for him. These human habits are weakening me, Loki though, And it shall melt my frozen heart 'til it turns into water.
"I actually wanted to talk to you," Steve said forcing control and focusing on the real issue. Part of him hoped that all of that would just go away if he solved things between them. His brain was desperate for an escape.
"No." Loki looked at him seriously, afraid of breaking apart again. "Not now." The blond stared right into his eyes.
"It is not a conversation, in fact. I wanted to tell you something. You wouldn't have to say anything." Loki pressed his lips together, closing his eyes for a moment.
"Speak at once, Steve."
"I never thought about hurting you. I never wanted to harm you anyway... Well, not after your return. I didn't truly mean a single word of what I said that day and I'm sorry if it hurt you."
Loki wondered if Steve was capable of lying for cruelty or fun; if he was ever capable of being cruel anytime because his eyes seemed to overflow with honesty in crucial moments. And he could see clearly at that moment that his apologies had a sincerity that his threats had lacked. He suppressed a ridiculous wish to embrace the other man and nodded.
"I believe you. I keep no grudge regarding you. Steve." The blond man was starting a little smile and Loki grinned. "But I demand more of the marvelous Italian food as a token of your honesty. And you pay."
Steve laughed sligthly and Loki allowed himself to admire his smile. If he possessed little control over his human heart, he would take control over his human stomach.
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