'You know the kind of guy that turns to the Dark Side and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me. Everytime though that it looked like I would get something good, something bad would happen. Karma. That's when I realized I needed to change. So I started a list of all the bad things I've done, and one by one I'm going to make them right. I'm just trying to be a better person. My Name is Anakin.'
&
'The tough thing about having a list of over 200 things you've done wrong is deciding which one to do first. I mean, do I start with 73: Always took a penny, never left a penny? Or maybe number 86: Stole a speeder from a one legged girl. Or tackle something on the list that involves my ex-wife Padme?'
&
Padme threw the paper down in front of Mace, pointing a finger at the image of Anakin receiving his one-time paycheck from the Empire. "I can't believe he got that money right after I divorced him…half that money should be mine."
Mace was working out with his robotic arm, grinning as he easily lifted the fridge. "THIS ARM KICKS ASS! I SHOULD THANK ANAKIN FOR CUTTING OFF MY OLD, WEAK ONE."
"Are you listening, Mace? If we had that moment, we wouldn't be living in this trailer park!" Padme looked around the cramp trailer. "I was a queen…I'm use to fine things…I am a fine thing." She reached down, adjusting the tank top she was wearing. "oops, my boob almost popped out."
&
"Why don't you do number 102?" Owen asked, him and Beru walking over to where Anakin sat, sunning himself. "You know…possibly killed hundreds of people with second hand death stick smoke."
Anakin frowned. "Now now…no need to go crazy…I should take this slow."
"Well, you have to pick something. When you moved in with us, you agreed to pull your weight and work on being good. So far, you haven't done anything." Beru complained.
"I fixed the swoop bike."
"That you broke!" Beru shouted.
"Same difference."
Beru snatched the list from Anakin. "I'm going to pick one out for you to do."
Anakin shrugged. "Go ahead…doesn't matter which one…"
"Number 112- Betrayed Obi Wan."
Anakin's eyes widened.
'Obi Wan was my old master. Closest thing to a father I ever had. And just like most sons, when I ended up disagreeing with him, I slaughtered his friends. But you see, that wasn't why I was nervous. I was nervous, because…'
&
MUSTAFAR
Obi Wan swung his lightsaber, cutting off Anakin's limbs.
&
'Obi Wan is crazy.
'And I don't mean just that one time…'
&
5 YEARS AGO
Obi Wan frowned, looking at the empty jar. "Anakin…did you eat the last of the peanut butter and put it in the cupboard?"
Anakin shrugged. "Yeah, I…"
Obi Wan took out his lightsaber and cut off Anakin's foot.
"SON OF A…"
"Don't do that again."
&
'As I said, Obi Wan is crazy. But, if I was really worried about losing my limbs, I should have been focused on Padme.'
&
Padme grumbled as she struggled to get the vacuum to work. Use to having droids clean for her, being a domestic goddess was taking a toil on her. She still had most of her dresses, but had found it too hot in the trailer to wear them. Currently, she was wearing cut off jeans, a tank top made from one of her old gowns, and flip flops.
Screaming in frustration over the vacuum and the wreck that was her life, Padme threw the vacuum into the wall, activating an old holo-projection she had made years ago.
"WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?" Mace asked, taking off his robes to reveal he was wearing a wife beater.
"Shhh." Padme hissed.
"WHAT?"
"I said shhh!"
"OH, OK!" Mace paused. "IS THIS BETTER?"
"Quiet!" Padme ordered as the image of her and Anakin appeared, Anakin struggling to pull on a purple costume.
"Are you sure this will be fun?"
"Of course it will." Holo-Padme told Holo-Anakin. "And I want you to promise that we will watch this again, later."
"I will." Holo-Anakin said. "I know I love you more than the stars in the sky…"
Padme made a wretching sound.
"Will you love me beyond the grip of death?" Holo-Padme said, eyes fluttering.
"Yes, and should that day arise, everything that is mine will be yours…let this tape be a record of that."
Padme grinned. "Oh snap…"
&
'Padme knew that video was my only will. Now, normally Padme isn't violent, but being dirt poor will drive even the kindest person to murder.'
&
Anakin poked his head out the speeder's window, grinning. "I can't believe we are going to the park!" He looked at Beru. "And we get the play Frisbee, right?"
"Yes, I will play Frisbee with you."
Owen frowned, gripping the wheel tight. "You never play Frisbee with me…"
"I'm not really." Beru reminded him. "Remember, we're taking Anakin to Obi Wan's desert home."
"Oh yea…but why are we playing Frisbee then?"
Beru rolled her eyes.
"Wait a minute…" Anakin said, looking about. "This isn't the way to the park…this leads into the desert…"
Owen pulled over towards Obi Wan's hut. "Go on boy, you're free now."
Anakin stared at his stepbrother and sister-in-law as they drove away. "No…no….nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"Anakin?" Obi Wan called out, peering through the crack in the door. "Is that you."
Anakin turned sheepishly. "Yes master, it's…."
BUZZ!
Anakin looked down at his severed right arm. "Son of a…"
&
Inside the hut, Anakin looked around at what Obi Wan had. "Nice place."
"Thank you, Anakin."
Anakin rubbed the back of his head with his good arm, trying to think of a good way to start. "Listen…Obi Wan…what a wild and crazy trip it's been…"
"You sound like you are signing my year book." Obi Wan commented.
Anakin sighed. "Okay…so the thing is…I realized recently that I did a lot of bad things, and that if I want things to get better, I need to make up with all the people I hurt…what I am asking is…will you forgive me."
"Of course."
"I understand…really?"
"The Jedi way teaches forgiveness, Anakin."
Anakin nodded. "I think I remember reading that…"
"I made you write an essay about it." Obi Wan commented.
"The internet wrote that essay." At Obi Wan's stern look, Anakin smiled sheepishly. "It's on the list."
"Well then…come by when you are ready to make up for that."
Anakin smiled. "I will."
'As I walked out of the hut, I knew things were getting better. Because of Beru and Owen's push, I had crossed another thing off my list, and my life was getting…'
Anakin looked down as his left arm was cut off.
'…better.'
"What the…"
"You son of a bitch!" A blonde haired woman shouted as she swung her saber at him.
"Siri? Siri Tachi?!"
'Siri, I had learned a few months ago, had been Obi Wan's Padme…except she didn't sleep with black guys. The two of them had almost run away together, but decided in the end to respect their Jedi vows. Last I heard, Siri had been killed…but apparently, I'd heard wrong…because if she wasn't, then I was in trouble if Force Ghosts had learned how to swing lightsabers.'
"You ruined everything…"
"What are you talking about?" Anakin asked as he dodged her wild swings.
"I was going to convince Obi Wan to marry me when we became knights…then he had to train you…then, you turn to the darkside and Obi Wan is now convinced that marriage equals Sith!" Siri screamed as she tried to cut off Anakin's head.
"I thought you were dead…you were killed while undercover on a drug ship."
"I faked my death so I could plan my newest offensive to win Obi Wan's heart. I was 2 days away…2 days, and you made the grab for power!" She nearly took off Anakin's right leg with a swing. "So now, Obi Wan's commitment-fearing man that won't even think about going on even a DATE with me, and I'm a horny Jedi with a lightsaber who will never get back those lost years!"
"I…I can see how that would be bad…" Anakin said before Siri cut off his legs.
'As I lay on the ground, I realized a few things. First, that I really needed better robotic limbs. The second came when I saw Siri light up a death stick to calm her nerves. Seems she'd become hooked while undercover…and I realized that moment how I could give Siri back those lost years.'
&
Beru and Owen stared in shock at the tied up form of Siri as Anakin struggled to reattach his arms.
"How…how did you manage to tie her up." Beru questioned.
"Don't ask." Siri grumbled.
"Why is she here?" Owen asked. "Are we playing cop and robbers?"
"HEY ANAKIN!" Mace said, entering the hut with a plate of cookies. "I BROUGHT THESE POISON COOKIES!"
"Huh?" Anakin questioned.
"PADME SAID I SHOULD WHISPER THAT LAST PART…MAKE IT MORE SINISTER…DID IT WORK?"
"…yes…yes it did." Anakin paused, glaring at Owen. "He just said those were poison!"
Owen looked at the cookie inches from his tongue. "…how poisoned?"
"Master Windu, help!" Siri shouted.
Mace looked at Siri, then Anakin, then back at Siri, before taking off his shirt. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE PLAYING, BUT I AM IN."
&
'After the five-way, I told Siri my plan to get us both off of death sticks. I won't bore you with the details, but lets say I went through 3 boxes of Nicorete, 2 boxes of Kleenex, and 5 spare limbs. But in the end…Siri and I were cured.'
&
Siri smiled as she looked at Obi Wan's hut. "Thank you Anakin. You gave me back those years. Granted, I'll be older…my sink wrinkly and my hair grayer…"
"And your boobs…don't forget your saggy, saggy boobs." Anakin chimed in.
"Yeah…but the point is, you sort of gave me what I asked for…so thank you." Siri patted his arm. Anakin smiled, then grimaced when Siri dug her nails into his skin. "But if you ever hurt Obi Wan again, I will cut off everything that dangles on you…everything."
Anakin nodded dumbly as Siri let go, hurrying to continue her stalking of Obi Wan.
'It was hard, but I managed to cross three things off my list. Hard to image it only took three days. Speaking of taking 3 days to get…'
Padme leveled the blaster she had finally managed to buy with all the stuff she had pawned right at Anakin's head.
"I changed my will, Padme…I die, you get nothing."
"…I hate you." Padme snarled, stomping her foot and heading back to her speeder. "I pawned all my dresses for that gun…now I have to get my hair styled by that Twilik that lives down the street…stupid Anakin…"