Chapter 2: Looking for Lorelai

Luke stared after Emily's departing figure. As she ducked into the car waiting outside, she sent a long look his way. The big, dark sunglasses made it difficult to determine what the look meant, but her pursed lips gave him a clue.

Words from Emily's speech echoed in his ears. The rhythmic sound of the dishwasher seemed to push each syllable into a rhythm.

Lost her. Wants you. Chose you. Lost her. Lost her. Lost her.

Why would he have lost her? She knew he wanted time to figure out how to deal with April's arrival in his life. Since he'd met her, it had only been… he counted… just over six months. Had it already been six months?! Time had flown by so quickly.

It was almost June. The last time they'd had an actual talk about their relationship and postponed wedding, it had been February. That seemed to be quite a long time to go without that kind of discussion. In fact, it seemed their time together had begun diminishing. He recalled them barely missing a night together earlier in their relationship.

Lost her. Lost her. Lost her.

He'd suggested eloping. The look on her face had seemed to imply she was willing, though he knew she wanted a wedding. Truthfully, so did he. He'd eloped already once before. Nevertheless, neither an elopement nor a wedding had been brought up since February. And the original date Lorelai had planned for - June third - was just over a week away. He realized that might be preying on her a little.

Anna had been upset about Lorelai being at April's birthday party. She'd been upset because she didn't know Lorelai. His own fault, yet he recalled Lorelai completely disconnecting from him after he'd told her, as if it was her own doing.

Lost her. Lost her. Lost her.

Luke hadn't actually seen Lorelai in a few days. She hadn't even been by for coffee. The busiest he'd ever seen her was when she was preparing to open the inn, and she'd still found time to stop by at least once a day. He knew full well she wasn't even close to being that busy lately, especially if she could take the entire day off to play chauffeur for her mother.

Loathe though Luke was to admit it, Emily was completely correct on all counts. Lately, Lorelai was nothing more than a girl with a pretty ring that he happened to be dating. Except that, in reality, they were barely even dating. They talked when she'd pick up her coffee, there were quick hello and goodbye kisses, and occasionally they shared a bed.

Their conversations mostly centered around the banal - shared rants about Michel and Kirk and weird guests at the inn. He'd speak of April on occasion and block any feedback from her, though he couldn't actually remember the last time she'd done more than listen and give him one of the fake smiles he found so annoying. Or used to find annoying; Luke knew he mostly ignored them now, given their frequency.

Emily had told him to figure out what was complicated. April was not complicated. She was a pretty cool, relaxed, adaptable kid. Anna could make things complicated, but he'd already learned he couldn't allow her to dictate his interactions with his daughter. She'd gotten to do that April's entire life while he went about his own, oblivious to her existence. The situation with Lorelai was now extremely complicated, made so by months of neglect.

And he realized that he had no idea where she was, where she had been, or even what had been going on with her the past week.

Suddenly, Luke wished he still had that book on relationships. As soon as the thought entered his head, he realized he didn't need to see the book or hear the tape to know what it would say: open two-way communication was the foundation of love. Expressions of intimacy should be given freely and frequently. Let your actions speak your emotions.

Actions.
Luke could be a man of action.
He was once.

The simple ideas that had pushed him to finally pursue Lorelai were the same ones he'd need to use to keep her and win her back. He only hoped it wasn't too late.

Energized, Luke ran upstairs to change out of his grease-covered clothing and splash some cold water on his face. As he reached for a towel, he noticed Lorelai's stash of bathroom supplies on her shelf was heavily depleted and hadn't been replaced in quite some time. He recalled the last several times she'd stayed at his apartment and the presence of her overnight bag: the sign of a temporary guest, not someone who had a permanent place in someone's life.

Luke felt the panic rising in his chest.

He threw open his closet and grabbed several items of clothing, most of which he knew had previously taken up residence at Lorelai's and had been slowly migrating back to his apartment as he spent less and less time at her house.

Their house.

Why hadn't he just moved in? Even her small collection of shoes had disappeared from his closet. He reached for a duffel bag and noticed the one Anna had sent over. He remembered Lorelai's initial reaction, and immediate backpedaling, as she told him it was no big deal.

He kicked it across the room.
Clothes could wait.
He'd be lucky enough to even find her.

It occurred to him, amid many other chaotic thoughts, that he might call Rory first before driving around the state in a frantic hunt for the love of his life.

"Hullo?" came a quiet, tired voice.

"Hey, Rory, it's Luke, I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

"Um, yeah, but it's okay. One sec while I move," Rory said quietly, silent for a few seconds before speaking again, "Okay, back. Sorry, Logan's meds kicked in, I got bored watching the documentary he had on, and I dozed off. He's pretty conked out, but I don't want to risk waking him up again since he has a pretty big day tomorrow."

"Meds? Are you at the hospital? Is Logan okay?"

"My mom didn't tell you?"

"No, is she there?"

"Uh, no… um, Logan got hurt while he was in Costa Rica with his friends. Some broken bones and internal bleeding, but he was released today, and he's at home recovering now. I assume Mom's at home, but I haven't talked to her since she was bored at Grandma's nail appointment."

"Oh. So she's talked to you today?" Luke asked, awaiting confirmation that it was truly him Lorelai was avoiding, though he was fairly certain he already knew the answer.

"Several very short calls throughout the day; she knows I've been busy. My grandmother's been driving her nuts all day, so she needed to let off steam here and there. Luke… if her phone's off, the battery probably just died, no big deal. Just go home, I'm sure she's there by now."

Not wanting to worry her, he replied, "Sure, right. Sorry, again."

"It's not a problem… but um, hey Luke? You really should talk to her. I know things have been pretty… off... between the two of you lately, and she's… said a few things… anyway, I don't want to intrude, I just thought I should say something."

Luke frowned, wondering what Lorelai had said to Rory. He hated feeling like everyone was noticing and hearing things he had either not been told and, worse, failed to notice.

"Yeah, I'm uh… working on that. Goodnight, Rory."

He took the stairs two at a time, quickly shut down the lights in the diner, locked the door, then bolted to his truck.

His first top was her house. The lights were out and, indeed, there was no sign of her jeep in the driveway. As he pulled up, he saw Babette with Paul Anka in the yard. As Luke opened his door, Paul Anka broke free of Babette, running to greet him.

"Hey there, little freakshow," he muttered as he bent down to ruffle Paul Anka's fur.

"Heya, Luke!" Babette called, following behind, "What're you doin' here?"

The fact that Babette was even asking when his presence several months ago had been normal and expected was just another sign things had gotten bad. Luke determined that admitting to ignorance about his fiancée's whereabouts was not going to help the situation, and decided to use a different explanation.

"Just coming home from a long day at the diner. Didn't Lorelai call you?" Luke kept his eyes on the dog, worried they might betray him.

"Well, yeah, that's why I'm walkin' this guy. She told me she wasn't sure what time she'd be back. Didn't mention anything about you comin' over tonight," Babette was already giving him the look he'd hoped to avoid.

"Oh, I guess we got our lines crossed," he chuckled nervously.

"Guess so," Babette replied suspiciously, "C'mon, Paul Anka, let's get you back inside."

In response, Paul Anka licked the side of Luke's jeans and sat on his boots, looking up at his latest companion with adoration.

"Ah, I can just take him, Babette."

"You sure, sugah? If Lorelai gets home and he's not here, I don't want her freakin' out or nothing," Babette was calling his bluff and they both knew it.

"Yeah, I'll see her before then anyway," he said, a little more assuredly than he actually felt as he opened the door and patted the seat. Paul Anka jumped up and immediately made himself at home on the passenger side of the truck, tail wagging happily at the prospect of going for a ride.

"Okay, night," Babette said, then turned to him hesitantly, "Y'know, I'll call Lorelai's cell phone just to be sure."

"I've got it covered, Babette," Luke grumbled. He hopped back in his truck and pulled out of the driveway, drove far enough to be just outside Babette's view, and parked on the side of the road as he pulled out his phone, hitting the speed dial.

"Hey, Lorelai, uh, your phone is dead or off or something, and I've been trying to get ahold of you. I, uh, have Paul Anka with me. Babette's probably going to call and tell you the same thing, but just in case, I wanted to let you know. So, uh, if you get this, call me. I need to talk to you."

He drove around town for a bit before heading to the inn, and after circling the front and back areas twice, determined she definitely wasn't there, and neither was Sookie.
Sookie.
Sookie's house would be his next stop. He felt a wave of relief as he saw the familiar jeep parked outside Sookie's and scolded himself for not checking there first, given the proximity to the diner. It should have been his first stop.

He parked, patted Paul Anka on the head, and pulled out his phone, bringing up Sookie's Cell from his contacts.

After a few rings, he saw her step onto her porch, raising her phone to her ear.

"Hey, Luke," her tone was upbeat, but the slouched shoulders, hanging head, and free hand pressed to her forehead betrayed her.

"Hey, Sookie. Is Lorelai there?"

"Uhhh... Luke, I don't think…"

"Sookie, I haven't seen her in three days, her phone's off, and I think I freaked out Rory a little already."

"You called Rory?" Sookie's head snapped up in reaction, and in doing so, immediately spotted him. "Oh, Luke," she said with a sigh as she ended the call and walked over to his truck.

He rolled down the windows slightly to give Paul Anka some air and got out, walking quickly to the sidewalk.

"Luke, what's going on?" Sookie asked quietly as she approached, taking the words right out of his mouth.

"Uh, I'm not… I don't know. I've been driving around… I've barely seen or heard from her in days… she said there was a meeting tonight, but I found out she left work this morning and hasn't been back, and I… I just need to talk to her," Luke stumbled over his words.

Sookie nodded, "Yeah, I was there for that call when she told you about the staff meeting. There wasn't one. I didn't get a chance to ask why she said that… uh, something else came up that I had to take care of."

"So she lied to avoid me," he ran his hand over his face, "This is bad."

"Yeah. It's pretty bad. But you knew that, right? I mean, Luke… it's not like this is news," she narrowed her eyes as she got a good look at his face, "It is, though, to you... isn't it."

His lack of answer was answer enough.

"Okay," Sookie sighed, "I'm not sure what to do here. My friend came over, with no warning, looking worse than she did during the entire time she didn't talk to her kid for almost six months. She's barely said a word other than to nearly knock the phone out of my hand when I offered to call you."

"I have to fix this, Sookie. Can you just tell her I'm out here?"

Luke didn't realize that Sookie was capable of the icy glare she shot him.

"You know I've been your biggest champion with her in the past, but I'm not so sure anymore, and this goes into violating sacred vows between friends."

"Sacred vows between fiancés don't count for anything?"

"No. Sacred vows between spouses? Maybe. But we're not standing here making last minute arrangements for the wedding that was going to take place in a few days now, are we."

Luke groaned, "Sookie, that's between the two of us."

"Except that when one of that 'us' is in my house, asleep on my couch, and seemed to run out of tears before she even made it to my front door, I start to feel a little involved."

"Okay, but how do you expect me to fix this when I can't even talk to her?"

Sookie was tempted to reply that he should've thought of that before he decided to break her best friend's heart, but that was her mothering instinct kicking in. And dealing with Luke wasn't as simple as explaining to Davey why he had to be careful with his little sister.

"It might be past the point of fixing, Luke," Sookie replied sadly.

"I don't believe that," Luke pleaded, unsure to whom he was offering his plea at this point, "What do I have to say to convince you-"

"She's not the one you have to convince," interrupted Lorelai's tired, strained voice from Sookie's porch, "Sookie, go on back inside, I'm sorry to have dragged this over here." She folded her arms tightly in front of her chest as she headed toward them.

"No, honey, you get back inside, I've got this," Sookie assured her friend, placing her hand on Lorelai's forearm and drawing a scowl from Luke.

"I think I heard Martha crying, and Jackson's hovering awkwardly in the living room. Go back to your family, Sookie, I'll be fine," Lorelai said quietly.

"Okay, but I'll leave the bedding on the couch. You're welcome back if you need it. Him too," she gestured to Paul Anka, and squeezed Lorelai's arm as she walked back inside.

Lorelai closed her eyes upon noticing her dog in Luke's truck, "You stopped at my house."

"I've been driving all over town, I had no idea where you were," he moved to put his hand on her shoulder, and she quickly ducked, taking a step back with her eyes to the ground.

"Lorelai," Luke gasped slightly at her reaction.

They stood there silently for several seconds.

Lorelai finally shifted her gaze from the ground up to Luke, "I can't do it anymore. So, if you have reasons lined up to convince me that I can, I need to hear them now."

"Um, okay. Well, first…" Luke sighed, "Can we do this inside? At home?"

"Home…" she huffed. "Whose home?"

"Ours," Luke emphasized the word heavily, watching her carefully, "I'll drive."

"Fine," she replied, almost inaudibly. Luke nearly sighed with relief. She didn't seem happy about it, but the fact that she agreed without making any further arguments gave him hope. He moved quickly past her to open the passenger door. Lorelai walked carefully around him and slid in, softly greeting Paul Anka. She lifted her arm to pet him and scratch behind his ear as Luke all but ran to the driver's side.

They drove the short distance in silence and, upon arriving, Luke told her to wait, again moving to open the passenger door for her. He held out his hand and she looked at it blankly, then back up at him as she spoke.

"It's the figurative door opening skills that need work, not the literal ones."

He nodded, but didn't move, so she sighed and took his hand, allowing him to help her down. Before she could turn to retrieve Paul Anka who, despite his car-entering abilities, was not a fan of jumping down from the truck, Luke lifted the dog and set him gently on the ground.

"You in for the night, Sugah?" Babette called from a window somewhere in her house.

"Yeah, Babette. Thank you for taking care of Paul Anka."

"Anytime! You call if you need anything," Babette's voice had a slight edge to it that Luke knew had everything to do with him.

"This town is entirely too protective of you," he muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, you really have no idea," Lorelai laughed humorlessly.

Once inside, after handing Paul Anka a treat, she leaned on the arm of the couch, arms crossed in front of her as Luke stood a few feet away. He realized, since he was the one to talk her into coming home, he should probably be the one to start the conversation.

"I didn't realize how badly you've been hurting the last few months."

The look on her face told him this was not the right thing to say.

"That's not true," he amended quickly, "I ignored that you were hurting, and didn't realize how bad it had gotten. And for that I'm sorry. That was wrong of me."

"It's been more than a few months, Luke. More like-" Lorelai said quietly to the floor.

"Since you offered to postpone the wedding."

At that, she glanced up at him, a look of surprise on her face.

"Lorelai, I'm not that dumb, I heard your voice, I saw your face, and I took what I wanted from that conversation. Again, that was wrong of me, that's not how relationships are supposed to work. None of this has been how things are supposed to work. And before I keep apologizing and trying to fix things, I need to know something. You said you need reasons to convince you. I need one reason to do that. Do you still love me?"

"Of course I love you," she whispered, "I've spent the last week trying to figure out how not to, and I haven't come up with anything yet."

"Okay. That's good," Luke paused, making sure to maintain eye contact before he continued, "I love you, too. I need you to know that because I can't remember the last time I said it, and there's no point in trying to convince you of anything if you don't at least know that." She dropped her gaze immediately and Luke winced as he watched a lone tear fall, "And the fact that you're crying, when Sookie said you'd run out of tears earlier, tells me that it's been way too long since I've told you."

Luke's hands felt useless. He hated the way it felt when she'd flinched away from him a short while ago, and was afraid to try touching her again. As he rubbed his hands together nervously, he heard the damn annoying cassette tape in his head again, chiming in about actions and expressions of intimacy, and almost wished he hadn't revisited those thoughts at all.

Nonetheless, he moved forward slowly, reaching out for her face and cupping her jaw in his hands. He wiped away the few tears that had broken free with his thumbs. Now that he was getting a good look at her face, he noticed what Sookie was referring to, also confirming what Emily had said. Her eyes were slightly swollen, and he felt the guilt seep into his chest.

How many hours in his life had he spent gazing into her eyes, watching them sparkle over some shared joke or sentiment? He couldn't remember the last time he'd made them light up in amusement.

"I'm so sorry, Lorelai," he whispered, "Everything got so messed up so quickly. I feel like I've been stuck in this weird dream world, where I just lost sight of everything that's important to me."

When she reached her hands up to rest them on his, Luke took the first full breath he'd been able to since Emily first walked into the diner. He squatted down, holding her hands, and pulled them to his lips for a long moment before resting their hands on her lap. His eyes stared into hers as she looked over his face, likely seeking the door that had been shut to her for the past several months to swing back open. Her brow furrowed as she spoke.

"You've done this a few times before, you know. This isn't the first time. It's just the first time I don't feel like I've done anything to deserve it."

"A few times?"

"Way before we were even together. You can be a real jerk sometimes, Luke. And the worst of it is that you know me so well, you know exactly where to hit the hardest." When he didn't reply, she sighed, "I'm not going to pick at ancient wounds to jog your memory, it was a general observation."

"Oh, I don't need reminders. I just hadn't really made that connection. But you're right. Every time you've tripped off the pedestal I have you on, I've punished you like hell for it." Luke could recount every single time that had happened, both before and after their relationship had begun.

"I don't like pedestals. The first one I ever got placed on was Richard and Emily Gilmore's and it all came crashing down in a pregnancy and a lot of white tulle. I've spent my entire life paying for that embarrassment. I can't spend my life with you doing the same thing. I don't even know how I've even managed to fall from any pedestal right now, as it is."

"You didn't fall from it."

"Then take me down from it. Whatever pedestal it is, I never asked to be put on it."

"The Super Mom Pedestal." Even as he said it, he felt the nerves of parenthood nagging at him.

"Luke…" Lorelai stared at him disbelievingly, "Really? You haven't seen me crash and burn at parenting enough?"

"Or ever?"

"Call Rory and ask her opinion on that. I seem to recall the two of you bonding pretty well over Jess."

"He was a little shit. You were right to want to protect your daughter. I get that really well now." Luke thought of all the little potential punks running around April's school and felt his jaw twitch.

"I'm sure you do. That doesn't mean I handled it well. How about the summer she ran away to Europe with my mother?"

"You never told me what happened to cause that, and it didn't hit the Stars Hollow Grapevine loudly enough."

"Because Stars Hollow's favorite daughter was at the center of it. I don't know what magic Patty summoned, but the fallout was brief. Ugly, but brief."

"Fallout from what?" Luke asked, not pleased with the diversion, but genuinely curious.

"She slept with Dean, Luke. The night the Dragonfly opened. That's why-"

Luke pulled back and stood, hands on his hips. "I knew I hated that kid."

Lorelai rolled her eyes, "He cheated on his wife, but Rory was fully aware of that fact. You can't hate him without also hating Rory. It was a dumb choice she made, but I handled that poorly as well."

"That's why you were weird when you came back to the inn that night. I thought you were second guessing-"

"No. I'd been distracted by the possibility of you and I all day. If Kirk hadn't run down those stairs, your room would've been known as lucky number seven…"

"That first date was worth waiting for, though." Luke smirked.

Lorelai couldn't help the smile that crept across her face as she recalled the beginnings of their relationship. The smile lasted only a second, though, as she was brought back to their relationship's present state. She couldn't help but compare how things were then to how they were now.

"I miss that," she said quietly. "Everything we were before that breakup."

"Me too. And I will spend the rest of my life working to get back to that if I have to."

She closed her eyes, "Luke... it's not that simple…"

"I don't agree. I've used the word 'complicated' so many times to describe my life this year, and it really isn't. April's a pretty uncomplicated kid. This crap with Anna? Not complicated. Pretty simple. She spent twelve years dictating my involvement by not involving me. And that's what I should've told her the second she went after us about the birthday party. The only thing that's complicated right now is you and me, and I know we can work it out."

"You and me are complicated by every single thing you just mentioned."

"I can work with that."

Lorelai went from aching to livid, and pushed off the arm of the sofa, walking into the center of the living room. She stared at the wall for a few seconds, letting all the anger and hurt and frustration she'd felt since January wash over her. He was saying every right thing she'd wanted to hear for half a year, but only now was she hearing it. She balled her hands into fists and spun to face him.

"You've spent the last six months not working on that. You suddenly realize I'm about to end it, and you have this revelation that it can all work?! And you expect me to just fall into your arms and agree with you?"

Luke stared at the floor. No, he hadn't expected that. He'd expected exactly what was happening. But he couldn't get past the fact that she was truly on the verge of ending things the past few days... and he didn't have a clue.

"I didn't realize you were about to end it until your mother walked into the diner tonight and told me to get off my ass," he confessed, bracing himself for the reaction.

"Uh. Excuse me?" Lorelai stared at him wide-eyed, "You wanna rewind there?"

"Among other things, she told me I was losing you if I hadn't lost you already. I couldn't get the part about having already lost you out of my head."

Lorelai slid into the nearby chair and dropped her head into her hands, groaning, "Oh my god," she pulled her head up to stare at him, "I don't even know what's worse, the fact that you were that blind or the fact that Emily Gilmore had to point it out to you. Again."

"Me either," Luke admitted, walking into the living room and sitting on the end of the couch closest to her. "In ten years, we've had more good than bad. You can't tell me that the last six months outweighs that."

"It's been a really bad six months, Luke. Without a doubt, the worst six months of my adult life."

"And if we walk away from this tonight?" he asked, almost afraid of her answer.

"It sucks. For a really long time. And then one day, it hurts a little bit less."

"That sounds awful."

"That's life, hon," Lorelai smiled sadly, "Sometimes love really isn't enough."

"That's bullshit and I don't think you believe that at all," Luke frowned. "I think it is enough. I think it's enough to save things. I think… you should trust me - even knowing I'm in no position to ask that of you - and we should set a date. For a real wedding, no eloping. And while we plan that, we uncomplicate all the crap that's invaded our relationship."

She sat and toyed with her ring, spinning it around her finger as she thought. Luke wasn't liking the expression on her face. He put his hand on hers, stopping her nervous movements, and slowly pulled her engagement ring off her finger.

"Hey…" Lorelai reacted, and Luke found himself a little pleased to have caught her off guard, despite hating the action he was taking.

"No. You don't get to wear that while our relationship is sitting here in limbo," he slid it into his pocket, "If you decide you want it back, I'll give it back."

She bit her lower lip in thought, rubbing her empty ring finger. After a full, silent minute, she nodded.

"I told you to convince me. I need to know what you think we should do to uncomplicate stuff," she looked over at him, "I mean, specific details, Luke."

"I hadn't thought that far ahead…"

"Start thinking, then," Lorelai stood, holding her left hand awkwardly, almost as if it would float away without the engagement ring there to hold it down. "I'm making coffee. You want tea?"

Author's Notes: For anyone reading this right after I've posted it, I may not get the next two chapters edited and uploaded before dawn. In that case, I'll post 'em sometime tomorrow. I didn't mean to cliffhang you there, I swear!