Chapter 2
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Warning: Sad, depressive theme
Lately, I've taken to absentmindedly looking out the window.
I would sit on my bed with one leg stretched out in front of me and the other leg – the one closest to the window -at a bend so I could rest my arm on it while I pressed my head to the cool glass. I would look at nothing in particular. I would just let my mind wander helplessly, hopelessly; thinking about what had I had done, letting the guilt and shame hang over me… just like what I was doing right now: I sat on my bed, listlessly starting out the window as I reflected what had happened for the millionth time.
It had been about two months since Inoue had confessed to me, and nothing got better. In fact, everything had gotten worse. About a day after her confession, Tatsuki found out and almost beat me to the point where I had to go to the hospital. I came home a bloodied pulp, and no one batted an eye. In fact, when I had briefly explained to Yuzu - who was the only one who had asked - what had happened she scolded me and gave me a pretty long lecture. She'd basically said I deserved it for being an insensitive idiot, and when she was done chewing me out, she threw my first-aid kit at me and stomped off to cook dinner. Then, the next morning, both of my sisters glowered at me, and when I went to school that day, not a soul spoke a word to me, not even Keigo and Mizuiro. Apparently, there were rumors going around that I was doing bad shit, like getting involved with gangs and other bad people, just because I was so banged up.
Ever since then, my rather… negative… emotions exacerbated. They multiplied in numbers, doubled in intensity, tripled in insults, and they all assaulted me ruthlessly; in every second of every minute of every hour within every day, they never stopped. My defenses were never strong enough to hold them off, and I'd realized I was fighting a losing battle.
Even when I had found out a week later that Keigo and Mizuiro were just giving me my space, I was too far gone by that point. I'd become so piteous, wretched, despondent, and crestfallen, that I had started to throw myself into fights. I would purposefully get beaten and bruised before I kicked my opponents ass', and then I would go home to a place I could hardly call my home anymore. When I arrived home, I forced myself to do schoolwork until dinner was ready, just so then I could eat at least one-fourth of my meal before I was fill. After getting lectured that I shouldn't waste food, I would finish up my work, and then go to bed. However, I would just lay awake as I thought about my shitty day. I would think about how useless, worthless, and filthy I was until I fell asleep three to four hours before I had to wake up and do this all over again.
I felt myself slowly, painfully, dolefully dying on the inside as each day passed. My lungs, 'heart', and innards shrivel like disregarded forget-me-nots. The weight in my chest, the weight on my shoulders, all became heavier.
Eventually, it had become difficult to do things I used to do with professional ease. It had become tiring to throw punches, and to dodge my father's assaults as I slowed in mind and body. It became challenging to get myself out of bed every morning; I felt like I was pulling myself tooth and nail to get out of my shitty bed. It had become hard to put on my flawless smile to hide behind. It had become tough to make any sort of expression that didn't involve a frown. It became difficult to spout the lie that 'I'm fine', because I was so very far from being fine. It had even become tough to fucking butter my own shitty piece of toast without some random wave of sadness trying to drown me.
Everything had just become so goddamn draining.
It was challenging to do anything else but look out the window after I was done with whatever schoolwork I'd forced myself to do – be it projects, assignments, homework, or just plain studying. Even something as simply as studying, had become overwhelming as my prior laser-sharp focus has been dulling. It had even gotten harder to simply pay attention to the instructor in class. Besides, the window always seemed more appealing to look at. I'd rather look outside listlessly than be frustrated at my rapidly thinning concentration.
Though, the instructor had called me out on it often. At one point it had happened so frequently that I was sent out of the room for 'disrupting the classroom', but it wasn't a big deal. Nothing was much of a big deal anymore.
I could hardly fathom a reason why. It just seemed as though many things, like my hobbies and activities that I actually liked doing, were uninteresting. Maybe it was because the void in my chest inhaled whatever energy I had, leaving me with nothing.
Nevertheless, it was very strange. Not only was my energy sapped, but I was also beginning to feel extremely anxious about some things I hadn't before and I got irritated at tiny things that never use to bother me. I would get really anxious if I didn't respond to a text or email, if I had to wait in a line, if I was reading a book or a large group of text, or if I simply had homework to do. I would get really irritated if someone merely said 'hello' to me.
I would even get bouts of anger, but it was always towards something random, like an easy project topic, if someone didn't hear something that I'd said, or if someone asked how I was doing. What would happen when I got these fits was that: I would get ireful, have a mild outburst, be upset for an hour or two, and then realize that something was wrong with me for getting upset over absolutely nothing. Then, I would get irritated at myself and degrade myself, which didn't help anything… and I knew that… it's just that… I couldn't help it.
I must be going crazy, right?
I'm losing it.
I'm slipping.
I'm being torn at the seams.
I'm falling, plummeting into an abyss.
I'm drowning in the agony. I'm just a stone cast out to sea, destined to fall into the blackness to be forgotten and crushed by the pressure.
I sighed heavily as I pressed my forehead harder onto the freezing window. The corners of my mouth became heavier, deepening my frown.
I had to clear my head of my thoughts and shoo them away to deal with them another day. Hopefully it doesn't get any harder to think until then. My mind has already turned into a dark maze that I can't get out of. I keep walking into walls as I blindly try to navigate my way out, and then I would suddenly fall into rabbit holes that consumed me; they ate me alive as they filled me to the brim with intense negative emotions, reminding me of my maladroitness, and it really brought me fucking close to doing something...
I was so close to snapping, and doing something that I know I would regret for the rest of my life. Yet, I can't help but think that it'll help alleviate the pain in my chest, even if it was just a temporary fix.
"Yo! Ichigo! Stop looking like the living dead!" Kon casually hollered as he jogged into my room. I didn't answer in favor of staring out the window, but it seemed as though Kon wasn't going to stop bothering me.
"Ichigo! Ne, Ichigo?" Kon suddenly switched from nagging to serious, and that had snagged my attention, so I just tilted my head towards his direction as a silent acknowledgement.
"Why are you sitting in the dark with a thumbtack in your hand?" he asked suspiciously as he walked into the room, only to stop in the middle of the room and quirk his eyebrow at me. I gazed at him for a moment before I redirected my eyes to the window; my face was expressionless as I rolled the thumbtack between my fingers. I could feel his beady eyes sear holes into my head. I released a soft sigh before I answer evenly.
"I was gonna' tack a picture to my wall, but I misplaced the picture, and then I felt like looking out the window, since something caught my eye. Ever since then, I've been just spacing out. To be honest, I kind of forgot that I still had the tack in my hand, and I didn't realize my room had gotten a bit dark, since it's still kind of light out, I mean… it just looks dark because of the dark overcast. It's still around mid-day."
He stayed silent for a moment, seeming to think about what I'd said, but soon enough, he easily accepted the lie as he simply hummed an 'okay', dismissing the matter.
Lying had become as effortless as blinking. It was easier than breathing. It was only the line, 'I'm fine,' that was difficult to spout. Other than those two words, it was astonishingly easy for me to lie to people. However, I never lied to myself. When I lied to someone, I always thought of the truth to myself, to remind myself what was the truth and what was a lie.
'The real reason why I held a thumbtack? I'm too much of a coward to consider using a knife, and it would probably be easier to hide and lie about anyway. I had gotten used to the beatings the bullies laid on me, so I'm resorting to something else. Though, I have yet to do anything to myself, I'm close. I am so close. So close to doing it, even though I know I'll regret later. I just want it to stop. So, why am I sitting in my room without the light on? I was just waiting for it to get darker outside. It's always easier in the dark, right?'
"Ichigo," Kon said urgently, interrupting my thoughts.
I turn my head to look at him, slightly curious as to what was troubling him, but all I saw his frightened expression. I slowly became alarmed. I felt dread sluggishly claw its way up my spine.
"There's a terrifying hollow-guy floating in front of your window, and he's glaring at you," Kon said shakily as he pointed a trembling stuffed paw towards Ichigo. He was obviously horrified, and it started to affect me.
I felt panic trickle into me as adrenaline began to flow in my blood. I jerked away from the window. I stared wide-eyed at Kon, who was my eyes in this situation. I gaped at him as I watched his face slowly contort from terrified to scared astonishment.
Suddenly, a sharp rattling pierced through the air. I snapped my head to my window, and it was open. I became mute with horror. I didn't see anyone or anything, and I was petrified. I couldn't do anything as something opened my window, and I had no idea what it was, or where it was. I was trembling in terror as I helplessly glanced everywhere around the room.
Abruptly, Kon's face squished in and he was lifted off the floor, seemingly defying gravity. He was turned around and fucking floating towards me. I was scared shitless. I became glued to my spot on the bed. Kon was freaking out – flailing while his screams were muffled. Then, the bed dipped in front of me, as if something had sat on the edge of the bed.
The movement shook me out of my terrified stupor. I reflexively lashed out at the thing, sending a punch with all of my remaining strength, but my wrist was easily caught. I froze, my eyes grew impossibly wide as I tried to see what was holding onto me, but my restless searching was unbearably fruitless.
Suddenly, Kon was slammed onto the bed on his back. His face returned to normal, but soon his arms were pressed into his sides and his torso seemed to be slightly squished too, as if the assailant was gripping his body so then he would stay where he was.
"Gah! Wh-what are you doing, you blue cotton candy-head!" Kon gasped and growled as he struggled against whatever was holding him down, and I swear I had the breath knocked out of my fucking lungs. 'B-blue… cotton candy-head… I-it couldn't be… could it?'
Kon yelped, snapping me out of my desperate thoughts. It seemed as though whatever, or rather, whoever had him in his grip didn't appreciate the name-calling and squeezed him in its irritation, but I gave absolutely no fucks.
I was consumed with revelation and bewilderment, the electricity buzzed throughout my body. I was extremely hopeful, and quickly snapped my head to Kon.
"Kon. Who is it? Who's holding onto us? Does he have light blue hair, blue eyes, and what seems like greenish-bluish eye-make-up under his eyes?" I asked desperately, looking at him wildly as I shifted closer to him. He looked utterly baffled. He looked at me as if he were asking me 'what the fuck is wrong with you?' but I didn't care.
I needed to know. I needed to know who it was. I needed to know like how I needed to breath.
He yelped in pain once more as the grip on him tightened again. He hurriedly nodded his head. "Y-yeah! He has cotton candy blue hair! He says his name is Grimmjow!" Kon gasped quickly, and he began to say something else, but I was far too stunned to pay attention. My eyes grew even wider, and then I sat back on my heels, dropping my gaze to my knees, forgetting about the arm that was held up in the air.
After the initial shock diminished, my chest swelled with intense emotions that started to flood into me.
I was… relieved. I felt a pleasant buzz travel up and down my entire body, from the crown of my head down to the tips of my toes. My heart beat in my chest, like it wasn't shattered or broken in the first place. I felt as though the weight in my chest lessened, making me feel rather light. It had been so long since I've felt so light.
I… felt like some life was breathed into my shriveled lungs… and damn does that feel good. I was almost in tears. I was finally feeling something other than misery… and… it was just ethereal.
'Ho-holy shit… h-he… he… found me… he found me… Grimmjow actually found me…'
"Ichigo!"
I was tugged out of my thoughts, and I directed my full attention to the stuffed lion. He looked at me in alarm, but I ignored him as I eagerly barraged him with questions. "Wh-what? What did he say? Is he well? How did he get here? How did he recover from his wounds? Where is he? Wh," I was interrupted by something abruptly clamping onto my mouth to shut me up. It didn't hurt, but it was pretty damn sudden, and I let out a manly yelp in surprise.
I assumed it was Grimmjow's hand that prevented me from speaking, since the thing that was holding onto my wrist let go. I took on a countenance of wonder as I stared in Grimmjow's general direction while Kon spoke.
"H-he said," the mod soul stuttered as he gulped. Grimmjow must be giving him a pretty terrifying glare if he was this rattled, but he began to speak before I could begin to picture what Grimmjow looked like.
"He said that he didn't know what else to do other than to use me as a way to talk to you. Then he said that he was okay, he got here through a garaganta, and managed to find you by wandering around while hiding his reiatsu. He said that he'd managed to heal himself after avoiding losing too much blood, but it took awhile," Kon stopped momentarily. I was going to ask what was wrong, but when I noticed that he was staring consistently at something; I realized that Grimmjow was telling him something.
"Finally," he began once again, a bit more relaxed. "He said that he really needs to talk to you in private but doesn't know how to do so, since you can't see or hear him. Oh, and he's sitting where the indent in the bed is, so, like, right in front of you. When he's not threatening to tear into my stuffing, he's been staring at you like some wounded animal – Ouch!" Kon said monotonously until he yelped in pain as he was squeezed so tightly that it almost looked like his stuffing was going to pop out of him.
I blinked for a moment, and when I felt the pressure on my mouth leave, I felt a low, airy chuckle bubbled out of me. It kind of felt foreign and odd for me to laugh after so long, but I couldn't help it. I could just imagine Grimmjow's red face as he gripped onto Kon.
"Wow, now that I think about it," he wheezed as the grip on him lessened. He looked at me sadly with his beady eyes, "I haven't heard you chuckle in a long time."
My eyes widened a fraction before I lowered them pitifully with a dejected smile on my face. I… didn't know what to say, so I just ignored the true statement. I turned my sad smile to a straight line, returning to the situation at hand.
"He needs to speak with me privately?" I asked evenly as I fixed him with a composed stare. I already knew the answer, but I had asked so then I could distract him and make him forget about my chuckling. I knew I had succeeded when I saw his face turn from down to serious as he nodded. I gave him a curt nod, and then looked in Grimmjow's general direction.
"Okay, I think I have an idea. Hopefully it'll work. Follow me, Grimmjow," I said firmly as I stood on my bed, jumped down, and jogged out of the room, ignoring Kon's yells for me to 'wait a minute' as he ran after me. I figured that Grimmjow must have been following me if Kon chased me to the front door. I stopped to throw on my shoes with Kon hot on my heels.
"Where the hell are you going, you idiot!" Kon shouted at me heatedly as he waved his paws in the air wildly. I glanced at him, ignored his insult, and turned to the door.
"I'll be back," I muttered as I threw open the door, disregarding the shouts and insults from the stuffed lion. Soon enough, Karin's shrieking join Kon's spouting of insults as she ordered me to 'get my ass back into the house and away from the 'dangerous man,' but I disregarded them as I sprinted to Urahara's shop.
I didn't stop for anything in the world. I didn't stop even when a car almost hit me. I just leapt out of the way and raced towards my goal, desperate to be able to see and speak to Grimmjow.
I just hoped that Grimmjow wasn't looking for that fight. I hadn't thought about it until I was halfway to Urahara's shop, since I was so caught up in the moment of him being here. Though, now that I had a bit of time to cool my head, I felt a cold dread begin creep into me, threatening to take me by the throat and choke me. Before it could carry out its threat, I arrived at my destination.
I stumbled to a stop in front of the old run-down store, and threw open the door. Scanning the shop, I saw that Ururu, Jinta, and Tessai cleaning the shelves and floor, while Urahara was supervising them. They all looked at me in astonishment, but I quickly realized that they were looking past me, and everything clicked in my head.
I quickly stepped in their line of vision to get their attention, and I spoke hastily before they could ask what the fuck was going on and shout at me to move.
"Hold on! Wait! Don't do anything! I can explain! Just don't attack him! He's not gonna' do anything! I think," I shouted as I raised my hands in surrender, though I mumbled the last part and got gently knocked over the head for it. I tossed a small smile over my shoulder, assuming that's where Grimmjow was, and chuckled lightly before I redirected my gaze to the stunned staff of the Urahara Shop.
I glanced at everyone in the room before I fixed Urahara with a stern stare from where he sat on the floor.
Urahara seemed to recover faster than everyone else, and his usual mysterious smile was gone. He returned my stare with a serious countenance of his own, but I stayed firm. After a few seconds of staring each other down he sighed, catching me somewhat off guard as he spoke.
"Come in, Kurosaki-kun, and bring your… friend along, so we can talk," the candy shop owner said lightheartedly as he got up from his spot on the floor and walked to the back where the rooms were, not sparing another glance at me. He didn't need to check if I was coming because I was on his heels in a matter of seconds. As I followed, my thoughts were anxiously ramming themselves into each other; barely letting me address one before another occurred. 'How do I go about this? Is Grimmjow following me? Will Urahara help me? Will he help us? Can he? Should he? How should I ask this?'
"Come, Kurosaki-kun, sit. The Espada has already taken his seat. We're just waiting for you," Urahara chirped as he looked up at me from is place on the floor. I was yanked out of my chaotic thoughts as I blinked at him. Then, I slowly approached the low floor table Urahara was seated at.
I looked at each of the three remaining cushions, seeing which one seemed pushed in as if an invisible person was sitting on it, and I inferred that Grimmjow had taken the seat to my left. So, I took my seat in front of the candy shop owner. I looked straight at Urahara to find him glancing back and forth between me, and the space where - I assumed - Grimmjow was. I peeked to where Urahara was glancing at and saw nothing. I released a small sigh as Urahara opened his mouth to speak.
"You," he began seriously, but cut himself off, almost as if he was a bit… worried to continue, but I didn't really care. I gestured for him to continue. I can already guess what he wanted to ask, so I just hid behind my usual scowling appearance as he continued.
"You… can't see him, can you?" He asked slowly behind his fan, staring rather gloomily at me.
He knew how important my powers were to me. Even without me having to say anything – he knew.
The look on his face, and the way he asked, made me clumsily drop my mask. My scowl fell to a somewhat dejected look. I knew how I was looking at him, but I just couldn't stop myself as I pursed my lips and nodded. I saw Urahara gaze towards where Grimmjow was supposed to be for a moment before he bobbed his head, nodding at something Grimmjow had said or done before looking back at me with a somber, yet gentle expression.
"I can see that he's not dangerous. He'd just placed his Zanpakuto next to me to show that he is no threat, and he'd said that he really needed to talk to you. He said that he doesn't wish to fight, despite what he'd said before. I am not going to ask what is going on out of my respect for you, but do tell me this, what is it that you want, Kurosaki-kun?" Urahara said evenly and politely.
He was oddly tranquil despite what, or who, I had brought to him, but he'd always adjusted to abnormal situations very quickly, so I barely gave it a second thought. Instead I thought about someone else.
'H-he… he doesn't want to fight? … He just wants to talk to me? What's going on? And, why does that make me… calm? Like the numbness, the despondency, the grief, the hopelessness, the helplessness, the guilt, the anxiety, the irritation, and the anger that had all shrieked at me vociferously, become silent?' I thought slowly, rolling this thought around in my head. I'd realized I felt like this earlier today, when I had comprehended that Grimmjow was here, and how it was always like this when I though about him. It was as though every negative emotion faded when I thought about him. Though, they came back.
They always came back. Nevertheless, that didn't stop me from thinking about him, and now, he's here, and maybe… maybe I do love him.
I mean, why would I miss him excessively, when I don't even know him that well. Why would I think about him so damn much? Why would I feel so peaceful and pleasant just knowing his presence is with me? Why… why would I be so attracted to him, despite the short amount of time that I've known him? Why…?
I… I have to talk to him. I have to know what it is that is going on with me. I have to know more about him. I have to know what it is he wants to talk about. I have to know. I need to know.
"Urahara," I began squarely as I looked at him with seriousness. "Can you make him a gigai? Please," I asked as politely as I could but with a firm tone as I stared at him, pleading with my eyes. He watched me with an unreadable expression before he sighed heavily and stood to leave. I was a bit taken aback by his reaction, blinking up at his retreating back. Though, when he had opened the door, I had finally gathered myself. I opened my mouth to ask him where he was going, but he looked over his shoulder and answered my unasked question.
"I'll fix him a gigai and be back within the hour, just wait in here quietly until I come back. After everything that had happened prior, I am very much in your debt, Kurosaki-kun. I'll help you with anything you ask of me, though I cannot guarantee that I won't ask any questions unlike this time around, mind you," he informed me in his usual easy-going tone before stepping out and closed the door, efficiently finishing the conversation. I blinked at the door in stunned silence, surprised at what Urahara had said, before I collected myself and looked in Grimmjow's general direction. What Urahara had said was rather… unexpected… but my brain was preoccupied with someone else, so I decided I would think about it later as I tried to figure out just what to do in this situation right now.
An awkward silence filled the room, and I squirmed on my cushion. That damn buzzing sensation was flowing through me once again when I thought that Grimmjow was here. After so many agonizing months… he was here… but it seems as though, no matter how much I think that, it is still surreal.
"So," I drawled, not really sure how to occupy the silence until a brilliant idea occurred to me. "I can't stand this silence, so I'll ask you 'yes or no' questions to pass the time. Knock on the table once for 'yes' and twice for 'no'. Got it?" I asked with a small unsure smile. I heard nothing for about a minute, and I quickly started to degrade myself.
I was so self-conscious. I began to think that I was a fucking idiot for thinking that Grimmjow would do something so stupid, but these thoughts were silenced once I heard a knock on the table.
I opened my eyes, wondering when I had closed them as I looked to my left with slight shock playing on my face. Thought I quickly gathered myself as I offered him a small smile.
"Okay," I said softly, taking a breath as I thought of what to ask, and when a question hit me, I asked him.
This went on for about a half hour.
At one point, I'd ask him if his favorite color was blue, purple, red, green, black, pink – I got nudged on the shoulder for that one, but I don't know why since there's nothing wrong with pink – and orange, and he'd answered no to all of them but orange, and I felt my heart fucking flutter. I was so shocked that I'd jumped when I felt that. My heart has done nothing but hurt and break, but now, it was beating and souring. I was astonished at what had just happened, until rationality decided to rain on my parade.
He obviously wasn't saying that he liked orange because of my stupid hair color and me. It must have actually been his favorite color and I was just being weird, and hopelessly hoping that he was flattering me. God, I'm the fucking worst. However, before I could dwell on just how much I wasn't worth anything, and how disgusting and pitiful I am, I felt something grab my shoulder.
I instinctively stiffened in terror as I searched around frantically for what was holding onto me, but then I realized that it was just Grimmjow's hand grasping onto my shoulder. Soon the thought that he must have been wondering if I was okay dawned on me.
"I'm fine," I lied, repeating that damned line effortlessly with my usual scowl. Then, I steered the conversation away from me and towards him. I had asked him if he'd been searching for me long, and I'd asked him if he was really okay after all this time since Kon is a fucking moron and could have caused miscommunication, but both answers were a 'yes.'
Before I could come up with a new question, Urahara entered the room with a gigai that had looked exactly like Grimmjow. The only thing that was different was the clothes. They were more suited to the living world's customs than his usual Espada wear.
"Here he is! He's done! Now, all Espada-kun has to do, is step into this guy, and he'll be just like the Shinigami who puts these things on!" Urahara shouted cheerfully as he held out the gigai to the space that apparently Grimmjow was occupying, who had obviously accepted it when I saw Urahara let the gigai go, and it wasn't knocked to the ground by gravity, making it seem like the body was floating like a rag doll.
I had to repeat to myself that Grimmjow was holding the gigai and that this wasn't a horror movie involving ghost possessions or demons. Urahara snickered, catching my attention, but I saw that he wasn't looking at me as he spoke.
"Oh, don't look at me like that! It's not gonna' bite! Geez! Well," he began with stifled laughter, but ended calmly as he turned his attention to me. I looked at him with a slightly stunned countenance as he continued lightheartedly and headed towards the door.
"I will now take my leave as I have done my part. You two can leave whenever you want to. I'll be at the front of the store if you need me, now if you'll excuse me," Urahara spoke lightheartedly but before he shut the door, I thanked him as sincerely as I could. In response he just smiled, gave me a small bow, and shut the door. I smiled at the door and redirected my attention to the gigai… that was blinking at me. I jumped a bit in surprise, and gasped an 'oh shit.'
Grimmjow had entered the gigai while I was distracted, and it was sort of unnerving to see a floating, limp, soulless body, suddenly move as a spirit entered it.
Then it hit me like a ton of brinks.
I had finally processed that Grimmjow was here. My brain malfunctioned as I freaked the fuck out inwardly. 'O-oh my god… he's actually here. I can fucking see him!'
"Strawberry?" a sweet, low… sexy… baritone called out to me, immediately pulling me out of my dazed thoughts. I snapped my gaze upwards to meet beautiful, ice blue eyes that seemed to stare into the very recesses of my damned soul. I looked at him a bit bemused until I pulled myself together and smirked.
"Hey, Grimmjow. Long time no see," I greeted casually, despite the strange heart palpitations I was currently experiencing and the short-circuiting of my brain.
I had waited so long to see him and now he's standing in front of me, alive and well, and I had no fucking clue on what to do or what to say, but my inner mayhem hushed as I saw in his expression.
He looked… pained? His face was consumed with worry, dejection, and heartbrokenness.
I stared at him dumbly, utterly speechless and astonished. By the time I could even think about asking him what was wrong, he strode towards me, and before I knew it, I felt a foreign warmth envelope me.
He… hugged me. He hugged me close. He hugged me like his life depended on it, holding onto me as if I were going to disappear if he lightened up.
Once my brain caught up with what was happening, my eyes widened in pure shock and I stiffened. After a few more hesitant moments passed, I melted into his embrace and returned the hug. I wondered what the fuck was happening and why, but I didn't really care at the moment. I was just so consumed in this moment.
It was so… weird to me. Being hugged. It felt as though I haven't been hugged in a very, very long time… and it felt so fucking great.
I felt that electricity scurry up and down my body, and for once, I felt… safe. I felt secure in his arms. My heart leapt out of my chest, soared above my head and hopped back where it was supposed to be with renewed vigor. A pleasantly warm and soft tingling spread throughout my chest. My stomach felt fuzzy whilst it felt like there were wild butterflies trying to escape. I felt as though his Zanpakuto cut off a good chunk of the weight I carried; not all of the weight was gone, but I felt significantly lighter. If I felt light before, then I was fucking weightless right now.
Is this what it feels like to get hugged by someone after so long? Or, is this what it feels like to get hugged by someone after so long, and that someone who'd hugged me after all of this time, was Grimmjow? I inferred that it was the latter question as I rested my head on his shoulder.
I was so close to crying right now. It felt so… so good. I'd forgotten what it was like to actually get hugged after all this time. I… I don't even fucking remember the last time I'd hugged someone. Did it always feel warm, secure, safe, and fuzzy? I think it did, but during those seven months, I'd never let anyone touch me, so I wouldn't know.
It was more subconscious than conscious, but I had realized at some point that I didn't let anyone touch me; I'd always recoil away from anyone's touch. Mizuiro and Keigo got the hint right away, and whenever a classmate or instructor try to touch me on the shoulder or reach out to me in any way, I'd withdraw from them before they even touched me – it was the same with my family. Yuzu and Karin rarely hug me prior, but then I began to back away whenever they got too close, and dad… I always smacked him before he could do anything anyways, so nothing much changed with him. Though, getting attacked or beaten doesn't really count, since I'm referring to harmless touches. All in all, I basically had no actual physical contact with anyone for at least seven months, maybe even longer, and it feels astounding. Especially since it was Grimmjow that was hugging me.
I almost pulled him back into the hug when he started to pull away, but I reluctantly let go as he stepped back and fixed me with a somber stare. With his mouth pursed in a straight line and his eyes narrowed in determination, he spoke evenly and firmly. "Strawberry, we need to talk. Let's get out of here and go on a stroll."
"S-sure," I stutter softly as I turned away from him to quickly hide the faint blush that I knew was on my embarrassed face, and I lead the way out of the room. I can't believe I'd reacted like that. I was so caught up in that hug, and I felt so much… What is wrong with me? I don't understand; I kind of feel light-headed… am I sick?
"Hey, Ichigo."
I blinked rapidly as I was tugged back into reality. I glanced around and found myself walking down the street that lead to a park. Thank goodness that we were headed to the park that hardly anyone went to anymore. There was a hollow attack there, so everyone thinks that it's haunted. Small sigh in relief left my lips as I tilted my head to look at the man walking next to me.
"Hm?" I hummed lowly, quirking an eyebrow at him as taking in his appearance, waiting for him to speak.
He looked like he wanted to say something, but was having a hard time saying it as he scowled at the ground he treaded upon. He had his usual eye-make-up underneath eyes that were a pale blue, like the glaciers found in the artic circle. His hair was in its usual spiked fashion, and it was as blue and refreshing as the bright morning sky. His clothes… Urahara must have thought he would look good in black and grey… and he was damn right.
Grimmjow was dressed in a form-fitting plain black t-shirt, and above that, he wore a simple, thin grey vest that was left open. Skin-tight, ripped black skinny jeans encased his legs and clunky, thick black boots climbed and hugged him about half way up his shins. He totally fit the sexy punk persona. It was a nice change from his usual white Hueco Mundo outfit… a really nice change. Urahara did a great job on the gigai; he even got Grimmjow's sharp, attractive features down perfectly. It was as if he were any normal, attractive, human man walking down the street.
"Well," the Espada muttered, glancing back and forth between the ground and me. He shoved his hands deep into his vest pockets. He seemed to be somewhat awkward and hesitant, and this new side of the aggressive hollow pleasantly surprised me. Then, a thought occurred to me. 'He's been pretty tame, unlike how he was when I first met him… I wonder if something happened…' I nibbled on my bottom lip, somewhat worried about the blue-haired hollow.
I know that he was a capable guy, who can protect himself - no shit he was an almighty Espada - but that doesn't mean that something had affected him psychologically.
"Hey," I called, abruptly stopping in my tracks. He walked a little bit ahead of me before he turned to face me with an attentive countenance, wondering what I was up to. I looked into his curious eyes and tilted my head to the side and pointed my thumb to a small hill, watching his eyes flicker to where I was pointing as I spoke in a casual tone: "Let's sit on that hill and talk, okay? No one really comes here anymore, so we can speak freely here."
Grimmjow glanced to the side once again before he scowled at the space between us and nodded somewhat dejectedly. This set off some alarm bells in my head, but I nonchalantly lead him to the top of the hill so we can overlook a field at to bottom.
I sat down with my legs stretched out in front of me while I leaned back on my hands. I stared up at Grimmjow and the corners of my mouth twitch downward. He looked rather melancholy. His eyebrows were slightly drawn together in thought, making his hard blue eyes seem contemplative whilst his mouth pulled a bit downwards in a small frown. I took in his expression for a moment before I felt compelled to pull him out of his gloomy reverie.
"Grimmjow?" I called to him in a small voice so then I wouldn't startle him.
He shook his head slightly as if he were physically clearing his thoughts before looking down at me. Patting the ground next to me, my signature smile possessed my lips. He plopped down next to me with a grunt. As soon as he sat down, he rested his elbows on his drawn knees and he scowled at me. His glowering caught me off guard and it made me clumsily drop my mask.
"Don't fuckin' look at me with that goddamn smile of yours, Strawberry… don't do it… Just stop," Grimmjow growled at first but then trailed off with soft murmur as he gloomily looked away. He'd sounded frustrated and sapped of energy all at the same time, and I was so utterly confused, anxious and panicked.
Many thoughts raced through my head. I was wondering if he was okay. I was wondering if something happened. I was wondering what was wrong. I was wondering if he knew… if he knew what was wrong with me… maybe that was just me being paranoid. Yet, I couldn't help but wonder… and it worried me profoundly.
Regarding him quizzically, he glanced back at me when he felt my questioning gaze; his eyes widened a fraction before he released a laugh that contained no humor, throwing his head back before tilting his head to look gently at me with his light blue eyes.
"Ichigo," he began slowly, as if he were still trying to find the words that he wanted to say. I suppressed a shiver that threatened to scurry up my back as I waited for him to continue. I couldn't help but think that he was adorable as he struggled. Damn, this guy did things to me and it confused me, but before I could even begin to sort out what I was feeling, he continued.
"I'm gonna' to be absolutely honest with you, so don't you dare give me any shit!" he grumbled, growing in volume until he was practically shouting at me. I remained unaffected by his volume as I nodded, silently promising to not trouble him whilst motioning him to continue. I found it a bit weird that even though he raised his voice, I didn't feel guilty or saddened. Usually my brain would have twisted that action around and make me think that he had shouted at me because I had done something wrong, and not because of his embarrassment. Though, nothing usual happened when Grimmjow was involved, and I was more than one hundred percent okay with that.
"I've been following you for the past three months."
Okay… maybe I'm not 'more than one hundred percent okay with that'.
"You've been what?" I asked incredulously as my jaw dropped and my eyes nearly popped out of my fucking orange head. My brain drew a blank as I tried to compute what he'd said, but he quickly began to explain himself, his eyes frantically darting around to look at anything but me.
"Okay, look; I didn't know how to contact you. I didn't see your walking stuffed lion after the first month, and I didn't know he could see spirits until about a month after that, and then I didn't know what to say, how to say it, or when to actually make contact! Plus, I was still a bit injured for the first month while I was here, and I had to fly extremely under the radar because of your friends. I also couldn't find you for a little while, but-"
I raised my hand to make him stop rambling, and he screwed his mouth shut. Then, he scowled down the hill, as if regretting he'd said anything.
It was all a bit much to take in, and once my brain processed what he'd said, I lowered my hand. This caught his attention, and he gave me a sidelong glance before he just placidly looked down the hill. I took that as a sign that he was listening, so I just asked him what I was dying to know in a quiet low tone. It felt as though that if I didn't speak softly and tread along delicately, I'd trample on his feelings and my opportunity to get closer to him.
"How long were you looking for me?" This question caused him to snap his head to look up at me with mild surprise, but that didn't stop me from continuing. "How long were you hurt? How did you survive? Who healed you? How long have you been in the living world? What happened to you? Is something wrong? You haven't been your usual aggressive self. Are you okay?"
A stunned silence filled the air between us as I patiently waited for him to answer… though I may have to wait a while longer, because he was thoroughly astonished. He blinked owlishly at me as his mouth fell open. He probably didn't expect the onslaught of questions.
"Grimmjow?" I called with a small voice, still scared that I'd shatter… something, be it the quiet atmosphere, or the communication… between us, as I tugged him out of his stupor. He closed his mouth, blinked at me once or twice before slipping into a placid expression as he held my curious gaze.
"Ah, sorry, I just didn't… expect all the questions. No one's usually concerned about me, so it was just unexpected… Well, I was looking for you for about four months. I popped into an area close by your town, but I didn't know that at the time. I searched a whole city. I managed to find this town – and you – by drifting around. I just happened to see you walking to school. Anyways, I'm not really sure how I got out of there alive. I kind of passed out for a bit, woke up, managed not to bleed out by pressing whatever remained of my clothing into the really bad wounds, and I gradually healed myself. Honestly, I think I survived with just sheer luck," he huffed as he laid back. My gaze followed him as I quietly waited for him to speak. He stared at the gray sky for a bit before looking at me to continue where he left off.
"I've been in the living world for about seven months now. I spent one month recovering from the worst of my injuries, and when I was well enough to travel, I left. Finally, I'm okay. Nothing's wrong with me. I've just simply changed."
"You've changed?"
"Yeah. I changed, and I have you to thank for that, Ichigo," he hummed as he rose to his elbows, staring into my eyes with an intensity that made me fidget. I felt my heart jump up my throat and try to kill me via suffocation. My eyes widened slightly as electricity scurried through my body, and the butterflies that have inhabited my stomach tried to make their grand escape by attempting to bust out. Though, a blaring question cut through the sensations this man was making me feel.
"How did I help you change?" I muttered as I tried not to swallow my own tongue. I looked down at the space between us, thinking how I didn't do anything, until Grimmjow spoke up.
"Well, it's kind of a long story… I don't mind telling you... I mean, I've decided to tell you… it's just… I'll say only if you want me to," he mumbled as he glanced away from me. I was a bit taken aback. He was being bashful and it was so… endearing. He was practically pouting and it was fucking adorable. I chuckled when I saw him grow increasingly irritated at my silence.
"Grimmjow, I don't care if it's a long story. I could care less. Just tell me if you want to. I've got nothing better to do, anyway," I placidly replied with a small smile on my face. He looked at me in mild wonder as if he didn't really expect me to listen to his story before he released a breathy chuckle.
My heart stuttered to a stop. His laugh was low as it rumbled through his chest. I instantly fell for his laugh. It made me feel warm and fuzzy. I felt my face heat up a bit, but before my brain would come up with a coherent thought, Grimmjow began to speak in a serious tone, instantly sobering me up.
"Well, the story – obviously - starts when I hadn't met you yet," he sighed as he sat up. He situated his elbow on his bent knee and buried a hand into his messy blue hair, glaring at the space between us.
"You might already know this, but we Espada have an aspect of death, and I am destruction, which I kind of dubbed as wrath, since that's all I felt. I was consumed with utter rage. My heart was savage. I couldn't think about anything but killing. I couldn't think about anything but my blood lust. I couldn't think about anything but being the strongest, coming out on top… being the king. I couldn't help but get irritated at everything, even at stupid shit. I was completely controlled by my wrath," Grimmjow recalled melancholily. He looked as though he'd hated what he was, and I couldn't help but sympathize – I knew what that was like. However, I felt down because he looked down himself. Then he continued, lifting his gaze to look at me with sincerity.
"Then, you came along. At first, you only filled me with even more anger. You made me thirstier for blood. I needed to quench that thirst by spilling your blood. I wondered why I had such a strong reaction to our first fight, but I just thought it was because you scarred me, and that I'd found a new, interesting 'toy' to break, so I left it at that. But then, our second fight happened and it was a bit different… When you asked me about my arm with that worried look on your face, I was puzzled, but I was kind of… happy… that you were concerned. No one else would have spared me a second thought. You, who were my enemy –and my prey of all people –, were concerned for my wellbeing. Then, I got excited that you had a new power to show me. Though… that wasn't what had really changed me… those two fights weren't like the last. They were nothing like the last… because something… very unexpected happened. When we crossed blades… your blade was filled with so… so much wretched sorrow that it even got my violent heart to calm and become filled with melancholy," Grimmjow spoke evenly, but he'd finished in a sad tone as he looked down.
The air in my lungs was forced out as my heart became heavy, pushing the precious oxygen out of my vile lungs. Gravity intensified. Nauseating panic rose up in my stomach as it plummeted through the ground.
'He knew… of course he fucking knew. He knows about my true feelings, what I hide behind my scowl. Even if he hadn't felt it in our fight, he'd have seen it if he were following me around for three fucking months… he'd have seen Inoue's confession and everything else after that… shit… I'm so fucking screwed. I never wanted him to know…'
"Ever since our blades crossed," he continued with a calm expression. I bet he noticed my gloomy countenance, but if he did, he didn't let on that he knew as he dropped the hand tangled in his hair onto his knee.
I almost feared what he would say next. I thought he would say that I was pathetic, and that thought… hurt. Just the thought of Grimmjow thinking lesser of me… was gut wrenching and heart shattering, but then he'd said something… that dissipated the weight that was pulling me down and calmed my inner turmoil.
"My whole world changed for the better."
"Eh?" I exhaled, my eyes widened as I took in his honest icy eyes as he lifted his gaze to look at me. I was stunned. My mind was drawing a blank. It was as if all of the negativity evaporated.
"You changed my world, Ichigo. Ever since our blades crossed in Hueco Mundo, my rage has been quelled enough so then I can actually think without my wrath taking over my every action. I could actually think about things that didn't include killing or getting stronger or satisfying my bloodlust; all because I was able to feel something other than ire. It was like I was snapped out of a nightmare. I was able to think about what my favorite color was, what was my favorite animal was, what little things I liked, what little things I didn't like, why was the sky was fucking black and the sun never showed in Hueco Mundo, what life meant, what death meant. I was able to think about why things function the way they do, other peoples' situations and perspectives, and I wondered why were you so fucking sad. I'd really become a poetic bastard. I've become a domesticated cat – but I don't give a shit. The wrath that I was cursed with overwhelmed me, and made me very chaotic, but now I know what it's like to have a composed state of mind, and it's thanks to you for making me feel something other than fury. Don't get me wrong, though, I'm still a hotheaded guy, it's just now, I'm able to be calm and peaceful, and it's because of you," he finished with a sigh as he ran a hand through his hair.
To be frank, I was astonished and stultified. To think, I'd gotten my wish to get to know him, but I hadn't expected this… not in the slightest. This was a lot more personal than I thought it would be, and I was not prepared for that whatsoever. I was actually having a bit of trouble keeping up. When I had finally sorted out all of the information in my head, a heavy silence settled over us, causing me to swallow. After a few hesitant moments, I opened my mouth to ask him something, but he began to speak again as he looked at me with a saddened countenance.
"Look, Ichigo, I… didn't mean to make things weird or awkward, but I need you to know that I can see what's happening to you. I can see how people treat you, and how you respond to that treatment, and… frankly it's not good. I can see how you're suffering, and it's getting worse… I just… damn it! Just let me help you!" He began with a mumble, but as he continued he got more passionate as he began to gesticulate, and his voice sounding somewhat strained. He threw his eyes up to look at me with a mix of irritation, sadness, and desperation.
I just blinked owlishly at him, my mouth hung open in a small 'o.' Astonished by everything he'd just laid out in front of me, I had no idea what to do or how to respond.
When Grimmjow saw that I wasn't going to say anything anytime soon, he just continued in a low tone as he hung his head between his knees.
"I can kind of guess how it is. I know what it's like to be consumed, devoured, and ripped apart by a single, negative, wretched emotion. It may not be the same emotion, and hell, you may even feel more than one, but I can kind of understand. I'm not saying I do, nor am I saying that one of us suffered more than the other, I'm just saying that I get it. It may be different, but I have some sort of understanding… so… don't fight this alone… you don't have to fight this alone anymore, Strawberry," he finished softly; his voice was shaky with raw emotion as he lifted his head high enough to look at me with kindness and grief.
However, as soon as he looked at me, his kind expression fell and he raised his hand to swipe a thumb over my cheek.
That's when I noticed that there was some wet moisture on my face. I raised a hand to touch my cheek, and I'd realized that I was crying. This was the first time in two months that I've cried, and because of Grimmjow's kind words, it all just pored out of me.
I'm not worthy to have been given such kind words, but these words… these were the words I've longed to hear, despite the fact that I didn't want anyone to know my problem.
Suddenly, Grimmjow pulled me into his lap and wrapped his arms me, making me cry even harder. I sobbed so hard that I couldn't breath, but he just cradled me in his arms and stroked my hair. He let me weep.
After a while, I had finally run out of tears to cry, but he didn't let me go, nor did I move from his lap. We just sat in silence until it was getting dark. When the sky started to get darker than it already was due to the overcast, I moved off of him and stood.
"We," I began, but my voice cracked from the crying. I cleared my throat as he got up. I kind of expected him to stare at me with judgment, but he looked at me evenly, waiting for me to continue. "We need to figure out where to put you."
"Where to put me? Can't I just stay at your house? Or do you think that that candy shop owner would let me crash at his place?" He asked coolly as he shoved his hands into his pockets. He practically pouted at the bottom of the darkening hill. I stare at him for a moment, thinking that he really is cute before I answered.
"Well… I guess you could live in my closet and I could sneak you meals… but you can't enroll to my school like the Shinigami can because of Inoue, Ishida, and Chad… plus I think crashing at Urahara's place is a bad idea. From what I remember, they gave Renji some serious shit for him staying with them for a short while," I mumble as I shift my weight from one foot too the other, glancing at him uncertainly.
He sighed as he ruffled his hair, then he crossed his arms in front of his chest and stepped to the side. I looked at him quizzically for about a second before I understood. He was letting me pass so we could go to my house. I offered him a small smirk as I walked past him. He just scowled at some random tree before he began to follow me.
During the whole trip home, we walked in a comfortable silence, and when we reached my house I told him to wait in front of my window until I open it for him to jump in.
Though, as soon as I opened the door, I was barraged with questions.
"Where the fuck were you?! Where's that hollow guy?! Did he destroy shit?! Did he leave?! Did he get killed?! How-" Kon was questioning wildly. I ignored him as I stepped on his head, and jogged towards the stairs, until Karin stopped me.
"What happened to that cotton candy head?" She asked in a serious, threatening tone as she crossed her arms over her chest and glowered at me.
'Shit… she's not even concerned about me, same with Kon… Oh well, I already knew it would end up like this… I'm so fucking stupid,' the glumly thought raced through my mind before it left as I equipped my typical scowl.
"I don't know what you're talking about-"
"Don't give me that shit, you shitty brother! Don't lie to me! Aren't you ashamed of lying to your family?!" She yelled venomously as she threw her arms to her sides and clutched her fists, snarling at me.
A searing hot knife filled with sorrow and guilt stab into my heart and my eyes felt heavy with grief, but I disregarded these feelings. I looked at her evenly as I answered her in composed manner.
"Why do you think I'm lying to you? I didn't see any 'cotton candy head,' and if this 'cotton candy head' was a spirit, I wouldn't be able to see him. I can't see spirits anymore. Besides, if he were following me, and if he were dangerous, why would I still be here? I bet he's harmless. So can you please move out of the way so I can go to my room?"
She glared at me for a few moments, contemplating whether she should let me go up the fucking stairs or not, then she just huffed and went to go watch football. When she left, however, I heard her grumbling that I was a 'shitty brother' and how 'the cotton candy head should have gotten such a shitty brother.'
Her words wrapped themselves around my chest like a boa constrictor. They wound themselves until my torso was extremely tight, forcing the air out of my lungs, and preventing me from breathing. They burrowed into my chest, and bit into my heart. They injected their venom, leaving swollen holes, and my heart seized in pain.
I scurried up the stairs, ran into my room, slammed the door, and locked it. Once I was locked in, I turned around and pressed my back to the door. I slowly slid down until my ass touched the floor. I pressed my hands into my face, and I tried my best to will the pain away, but my best was never good enough. Her words stabbed into me, slowly killing me. Why does she talk to me like that? When had it started? I couldn't remember. All I knew was that her words tore me apart. I clenched my teeth as I took the pain, and I tried desperately to think of a distraction to take this pain away.
Suddenly, I remembered why I needed to get into my room, and I hurried to my window. After almost tripping over myself, I threw the window open and poked my head out. As soon as I looked out, we made eye contact, and I instantly felt the negativity melt away. I felt the venom fade from my heart, and the snakes slither away. It was like Grimmjow was my antidote, but I didn't let myself get too carried away.
"Come on up," I say as I moved out of the way, knowing that he'd hear me without having to shout because of his sensitive hearing.
He jumped up and perched on my window still before he plopped onto my bed. I stared at him as he scanned my room, and when his eyes landed on me, I instinctively glanced away.
"So," he began slowly, as if he didn't really know where to start. I waited for him to continue, and after a few moments of silence, he perked up as an idea struck him. "What do you do in school?"
"What?" I looked at him in astonishment. I had not expected such a question from an Espada… it just seemed as though school would be something that he wouldn't be interested in.
"What?" he parroted as he frowned at my reaction to his question.
I stared at him for a few more seconds before I recovered from my shock as answered him honestly. "Ah, sorry. I just didn't expect you to ask something like that."
"Eh? Why not? It's not like I know what it's like to go to school. All I know is how to kill shit and talk. Other than that, I don't know much of anything else," he scowled at a random object as he spoke, and my gaze turned from shocked to understanding. That makes a shit ton of sense why he'd asked. I sincerely smiled at him, and when he glanced over at me, his eyes widened a fraction as he slowly turned his head towards me.
"That makes a lot of sense when I think about it. I mean, Aizen only made you an Espada so then you can kill extremely strong opponents," I say in a matter-of-fact tone as I got up from the bed and sat at my desk. I swiveled the chair to face Grimmjow, and he looked at me in suspicion, wondering what I was doing.
"Come here, I'll show you what I do instead of just telling you," I say as I tilted my head towards my insanely messy desk. He stared at me for a minute or two before he simply shrugged and padded over. He stood behind me as I flicked on my desk lamp, and we stared at the boatloads of paper that was littering the surface of the desk.
"What is all of this shit?" he asked as he scrunched up his nose in disgust. I released an airy chuckled before I answered.
"This pile is today's homework. That pile is tomorrow's homework. That is a research paper. That pile is studying material for Math. This pile is studying material for Science. This is my English pile. That one is actually my World History and Japanese history pile. The rest is either not important, important shit that is ignored anyways, or scratch paper," I listed, pointing to each pile as I named them. When I was done, I looked over my shoulder to see Grimmjow stare at me in bewilderment. I laughed at him, but he was unaffected as he raised a trembling finger to point at my desk.
"Holy shit," he breathed, "you do all of that stuff? How do you do in them? How good are you at these things?"
"Yeah," I sighed as I sat back in my chair and gazed up at him. "I do all of this shit. I'm okay in my history classes; I get advanced scores with effort. My math class is the one I kind of have trouble with – I still get advance scores in it – I just need to study harder in this than everything else. I'm very good in English and Science though. I barely have to try in those two subjects, which is kind of weird, but oh well."
"Weird?! That's so fucking cool! You must be really smart to score well in all of those classes! They look pretty hard." Grimmjow exclaimed, his eyes were filled with wonder. I felt my face flare up, and my heart beat a mile a second. Though, I sobered up when I saw his face fall in disappointment.
"I could never do that kind of stuff," he mumbled as he gazed at my piles of work. I almost frowned, until he put on a playful smirk and lightly punched me in the shoulder. "But good for you! Wow, to think you can do that! It's amazing!"
I thanked him distractedly as an idea came to mind. "Ne, Grimmjow."
"Hm?"
"Would you like me to teach you some subjects?"
"What?" His eyes grew wide and his mouth hung slightly opened. I held his astonished gaze with my own placid expression before he began to stutter as he fidgeted and rubbed the back of his neck.
"W-well, I don't want to… to bother you and your school stuff. It seems pretty important and hard, s-so you should focus on that instead of-"
"Grimmjow," I said softly, gently cutting him off, "if you want me to teach you, I will. I study and do homework at school too, so usually I come home, finish whatever I need to do and have several hours to myself. I have the time. I'm not in a club nor to I do extracurricular activities. Besides, teaching you can help me remember the basics of the things I do when we get to that level. So, I'll ask again, do you want me to teach you?"
"S-sure," he mumbled as he pouted at the wall, avoiding my gaze.
"Okay, let's start now," I say enthusiastically as I began to clear all of the shit from my desk.
"Eh?!"
"I finished everything I had to do today, why do you think I was just staring out the window when you came in?"
"I thought you were slacking off."
"Oh screw you!"
We both were consumed with laughter for a few minutes before we calmed down. With smiles still on our faces, I got up from my chair, made him sit down on it, and we went to work.
It seemed as though Grimmjow knew how to read high-level material, and was good in reading comprehension. He was good at writing; he just has a problem with spelling and grammar. He knew basic arithmetic, and multiplication, nothing more. He knew practically nothing about science – which makes sense considering that he himself was not scientific whatsoever. He does, however, know some about anatomy, which also makes sense since he's a killing machine. He was a fucking protégé at drawing shit. He has an abundance of artistic talent. Though, when it comes to history, he has a basic level of knowledge. We managed to go through what he did and did not know rather quickly since he generally knew what he did and did not know. The only things I really had to test was his artistic abilities – mostly because I was curious – his reading comprehension skills, and his knowledge in history.
"We have some work ahead of us, but it's not too much. We just have to focus on math and science, include several history lessons, and that'll be it. I don't know why you said you didn't know too much, you seem to know things. You're pretty modest, huh?" I say breathily as we finished going over what Grimmjow knew. Instead of the irritation I was expecting, Grimmjow answered tiredly, ignoring my comments about his modesty.
"Yeah, we do have some work, but I don't care. Thanks, Ichigo, for helping me out," he said with the cutest smile that I had ever seen in my rather short life. My heart jumped out of my throat, soared above my head in circles, shoved itself back down my throat, and beat so hard against my rib cage that I swore I heard my bones fucking creak against the strain.
"Um, Ichigo?"
"Hm? Oh, sorry. Just a bit tired is all. Anyways, it's not a problem, Grimmjow. Actually, it's my pleasure," I smile boyishly at him as I plopped down on my bed.
"Really?" He asked inquisitively as he quirked a fine blue eyebrow.
"Yeah. Besides, it's always a hell of a lot better when you have a student that's willing to learn."
"Oh, how do you know that?"
"I try to teach one of my friends, Keigo, some things, but he was either never willing, or he was too lazy, so I just leave him be."
"Ugh, that doesn't sound pleasant at all!"
"Tell me about it."
We chuckle for a moment before a peaceful silence rested over us. Then, I saw how he was beginning to nod off to sleep in the chair, and I chuckled before I stood and tapped his shoulder to get his waning attention.
"Let's get some sleep, it's very late anyway," I say quietly so then I wouldn't startle him. He nodded and lumbered off to my closet, slid the door open, climbed into the make-shift bed that was left there, and closed if after mumbling a 'good night' to me.
I smile at the door, before I flopped onto the bed. I decided to sleep with my clothes on since I was too tired to change into pajamas, and I was not about to change my clothes with the risk of the man I love walking in on me…
'Wait… what? 'The man I love?' Grimmjow? Love? What? I love Grimmjow?' Once I thought it, I knew.
I was in love with Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez.
Though, to be absolutely honest, I wasn't surprised in the least. It was just that the thought never occurred to me. Sure, I've poked at the idea, but I never really considered it as an actuality… until now.
However, I decided to keep my feelings to myself. I can't risk losing him. I… just can't. He'd been so kind to me. When everyone else cast me aside, he came to me, and is staying by me, even when I don't have my powers anymore.
I'll play it as safe as I can, so then I don't lose him. I don't even want to ponder the thought of losing him… so instead, I just pulled the covers over me, nestled my head into my pillow and closed my eyes.
'Good night, Grimmjow… I love you.'
It had been about two months since he's lived in my closet, and I was just about to lose my fucking marbles.
"Grimmjow! What the fuck did I tell you about moving the fucking number there!"
"Gah! This is too fucking hard!" He shouted in frustration as he flipped over his notebook.
"God damnit, Grimmjow! You can't flip your fucking notebook every time you don't get something!" I shouted as I gestured at him to pick up his damn book. He glared at me for a moment before he padded over to his notebook and picked it up with a huff. I sighed.
Grimmjow was fucking hopeless at math. We've been working on fractions for two weeks and he still understands nothing!
I pinch the bridge of my nose to calm myself down, and once I was calm, I redirected my gaze to the blue-haired man. He scratched his head in thought as he tried to solve his problem, and I sighed.
"Look, Grimmjow, let-"
"No! I got this! I know I can do it!" He shouted without lifting his gaze from his notebook. He was determined and almost desperate as he continued to chew the end of his pen.
"I know you got this," I say factually as I strode over to him. His eyes widened slightly as he looked up at me. "Though, you might need to take a break. Sometimes, when you work your brain too hard, it just gets harder to think, and it just leads to tons of frustration."
He pouted at me for a moment before he huffed an 'okay'.
'How can a man be so fucking adorable? Ugh, he's gonna give me a heart attack… not only is he cute, he's really charming, and his hotheaded tendencies are just fucking great. I still love the way he looks at me with his light blue eyes, even when he glares. I love the pure power he radiates. Though, he's so much more that someone who has been kind to me. He's much more than some hot-blooded guy, or some powerful being. He's so much more than I had ever thought, and I'm fucking fascinated by him.'
"Ne, Ichigo?"
"Hm?" I hummed, as I was lulled out of my musings. I looked to him and he had a calm appearance as he slouched in the desk chair.
"How've things been at school? How was your day?" he asked as he stared into my eyes with intense curiosity. I sighed as I sat heavily onto my bed. His face twisted in concern as I scowled; a clear indication that things weren't okay, as he had learned throughout his time being around me.
"My English instructor, marked me down for some things I got right on the exam, so instead of a ninety-eight out of one hundred, I got a ninety- three. Then, some bullies tried to rough me up a bit," I sighed. Grimmjow open his mouth to say something, but I already knew what it was, so I spoke before he could.
"Don't worry; I beat the shit out of them. Ever since you made me promise to stop getting into fights just to get myself hurt about a month and a half ago, I stopped… mostly…"
"Mostly?" he asked without any judgment in his voice. I knew he wouldn't judge me, but I just can't help but fear that he will.
I sighed once again before continuing. "Yeah… mostly… H… hurting yourself … or doing reckless shit to get yourself hurt… it's all just like a bad habit. Once you pick it up, it's hard to get out of. It's not easy to pick up either, mind you. It's so hard to pick it up; it's hard to drop. I know it's just a temporary fix. I know it's just transferring one pain to another, but still. So… when I do get pulled into these fights, nowadays, I let myself get hit once or twice before beat the shit out of them… I'm sorry," my voice was hesitant, and small. I looked down at my feet in shame, until I felt Grimmjow's big, warm hands cup my face and gently make me look up into his proud, open, kind blue eyes.
I was flabbergasted as I took in his unexpected countenance. His eyebrows were pulled together in slight irritation, but his eyes were filled and the lop-sided smile on his face showed that he was proud.
"It's a step, Strawberry. You take these things in steps. I'm proud of you, Ichigo. Acceptance is one step, getting it to decrease is the other, now you need to take the final step and stop all together."
"But… how?" I ask quietly. To be honest, I still don't really think I'm worth it…
"Ichigo," Grimmjow called softly as he sat on the bed next to me. I let him pull me into his lap and wrap his strong arms around me. He began to draw relaxing circles onto my back with the palm of his hand before he spoke with a sincere and confident tone.
"I believe in you. You see; you're going to be very successful in whatever you do. You're extremely smart, and whenever I see you talk about biology, I see your eyes light up and a cheerful smile on your face: same with English. You even try your absolute best at math, your most difficult subject. You'll matter in life, because it's you. You as a person – your intelligence, your determination, your kindness, your quick-wittiness, and your strength, are all going to play a part in your success and all prove that you'll matter in life. You are a very unique and interesting individual. You aren't worthless, because you can't be worthless. No one like you can possibly be worthless. Plus, you're not stuck in the past, you're in the present, with me, looking to your future as you pull yourself through all of the grueling work of a high-schooler doing advanced shit. You see; you don't need to hurt yourself, or do reckless shit to get yourself hurt, because you're so great. You can stop. You could put on an accessory, or recite an incantation to remind yourself to stop and why you should stop. I know you can. You just have to see how awesome you are for yourself… You just need to see what I see."
I sniffle as I try to hold in my embarrassed, overly emotional tears that threatened to fall. I take in a shaky breath, as I once again, feel my typhoon of depressive emotions calm. "How can you do this shit every time?" I asked as I buried my forehead into the crook of his neck. I felt so at peace and secure in his arms. His words filled me with bright, warm, and fluffy emotions. It's like he always cut down whatever weight weighed me down during the day. He's like the painkiller for my wounded heart. He's like the warm summer breeze that shoos away my wretched thoughts and casts away the rain clouds over my head so I can see the sun.
He'd been asking me how my day was, every single day since I put him in my closet. Not once did I lie to him, and not once did he judge me. He never judged what I said, instead, he just tried his best to understand, and if he didn't, he would ask. Not once did he look down on me, degrade me, mock me, patronized me, insult me, disrespect me, or make fun of me to hurt my feelings. He was always very understanding, open, gentle, kind, caring, and willing to listen, even when we were in a middle of one of his lessons.
He was everything I could have ever asked for. He was more than whatever I could have dreamt, and before I could hold it back any longer, I spilt the three small words I tried so hard to hold back. After all of the banter, the petty fights, our conversations, either philosophical or full of nonsense, after all of our talks, lessons, the meals eaten together, rushed mornings, hugs, small touches, and hushed 'good nights', I finally bubbled over and whispered those three small meaningful hefty words as if they were as light as a feather: "I love you."
Though, as soon as I had uttered those words, I froze. 'What the fuck did I just do…?'
I began to panic. I became light headed as my breath escaped me, and my heart thudded heavily in my chest. My throat and mouth went dry.
'Holy shit! I just confessed to him! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! He'll never accept my feelings! I'm a man! I'm also… well, me! Why would he love me! I have no special skills, I'm not attractive, and I'm not as great as he says I am! … Besides doesn't he say that stuff to make me feel better? Not because he actually believes it?'
"I love you too," he murmured quietly as he tightened his arms around me.
"You what?" I gasped. I tensed even more. My eyes were as big as dinner plates as my mouth was agape. I… couldn't believe my ears.
He pulled back from the hug so he could look me in the eye, and his glacier-blue eyes wrinkled in happiness and amusement as he stared into my own bewildered brown eyes. He smiled a lop-sided, boyish smile as he spoke lightheartedly.
"Oh, come on, Strawberry. Don't tell me you're that surprised. Did you think I told you nice, sappy shit just to make you feel better?"
He laughed when I frowned at him in slight confusion. I was wondering why else he would have done so, and apparently that was displayed on my face.
"I only spoke the truth to you this whole time. I wasn't hiding my feelings for you; in fact, I think I them out on display. The only thing I didn't do was confess to you. I was going to do that sometime in the near future, but I wanted to at least see if you had at least some interest in me before I did. It looks like I don't have wait any longer, huh?" He smiled even wider, as my surprise melted into embarrassment as I pouted at him. This made his smile even larger, somehow.
"So now," he continued in his low sexy baritone, making me suppress a shiver as his light blue eyes looked into mine with a sense of a predator marking its prey, a look that drove me crazy and made me squirm. "After all of this time, I'll take what I want."
With that, he kissed me, and we completely forgot about his lessons.