Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned.
Whoever thought that shit up must have been whack. Because, seriously, one look at Rachel was enough to make him want to move to fucking Antartica.
It started a while ago when Berry would walk into Glee like she'd won a Tony. Everyone had looked at Finn immediately but seeing the same confused expression plastered on the quarterback's face, the rest of Glee had dismissed the idea that Finn had finally declared his totally clichéd love for Rachel.
(The very thought made him want to pull an Exorcist and projectile vomit everywhere. It wasn't because he cared)
(It wasn't)
At first Puck had thought Finn just didn't know he had hooked up with Rachel. Because girl was seriously ten kinds of crazy crammed into a smokin' hot bod. Puck wouldn't be surprised if she turned up one day dressed as Idina-something just because she could. And let's face it – the dude thought he'd knocked up Quinn by blowing his load in a hot tub.
But it was a conversation he'd overheard that had made Puck think otherwise. Finn had asked Rachel to quote unquote, do something after school (the guy may be his best friend but seriously? This was what Quinn thought made Finn more responsible?). Instead of flashing those big, huge eyes at Finn like he was the fucking messiah, Rachel had informed Finn she was busy.
Burn.
Kurt had been by his side and the next thing Puck knew, he was dressed up like some Black Panther reject slouched down inside his truck with Hummel peering through a pair of binoculars.
'Woah,' Mike muttered from the backseat (yeah, he didn't know why Other Asian and Shaft were here either). 'That guy must totally rock the same perm Schue does because that thing on his head looks like JT's 'fro had a kid which then spawned this like curly-haired mini-'fro baby-'
'Oh sweet Versace,' Hummel had exclaimed, his fedora going askew.
'What?' Puck demanded, pretending to be cool as he snatched the binoculars away and pressed it to his face.
'My friends, I'm afraid that we've lost our star,' Kurt announced in this completely tragic tone, like he'd just discovered Kelly Rowland had replaced Beyonce as the lead of Destiny's Child. Puck felt his brow pull together when Berry started devouring the dude's face.
'Man, look at her go. It's like since she couldn't have Mr Schue she decided to settle for his younger clone.' Matt paused. 'Wow. Those vocal lessons must have totally expanded her diaphragm or something because she hasn't come up for air. That's wicked cool.'
(Puck considered that she shouldn't be wasting skills like that on some boy band reject. Real studs don't wear khaki shorts)
'That is the male lead of Carmel High,' Kurt had informed them, mouth still hanging open.
So when Puck marched up to her the next day, he totally had had the future of Glee in mind. It wasn't because the very idea of Rachel sucking face with that Vocal Adrenaline guy made him want to dent some lockers.
It wasn't.
'Sup traitor?'
Rachel turned to him, frowning as she turned from her locker.
'I beg your pardon?' She said, acting all oblivious.
'Fraternizing with the enemy Berry? Even I wouldn't stoop that low.'
'Yes, well, forgive me if I fail to find your standard of decency acceptable.'
Ouch.
Puck leaned down, forcing Rachel to take a step back until her back hit the lockers.
'You don't find it weird that our competition suddenly starts mackin' on you?'
'Jonathan didn't even realize I went to McKinley until I divested that piece of information during one of our conversations,' Rachel pressed back, jabbing her finger into his chest. 'So if you're implying that for some absurd reason that he's using me…' She trailed off before tossing her hair over her shoulder. Puck angrily brushed aside the sweet-smelling (no, wait. Her hair didn't smell like apples. It smelled like feet) strands and unclenched his fists as Berry walked away.
Hummel had tried to reason with her as well, but obviously she was the great Rachel Berry and she thought she knew everything.
But then, a few weeks before Regionals, she'd come in looking pissed.
Puck wasn't even talking how apeshit Quinn had gotten when she'd found out about him sexting Santana, or even how bad Finn had been when he'd found out who Drizzle's real father was.
No this was like the beginning of God of War II when Kratos had to climb his way out of hell, with all those dead skeletons trying to drag him back down into the fiery pits.
Only, like, one gazillion times more deadly.
So yeah, Puck had totally found the seat furthest away from Berry because he wanted a nice wide-angle view when she finally blew her top. It wasn't because he was scared or anything. Hell, Puck would gladly have adamantium bonded to his bones without the healing factor if you wanted. He'd do it right now.
(There was nothing wrong with self-preservation)
'So I was thinking that maybe we could-'
'Mr Schue, would it be alright if I performed something?' Rachel interrupted. Puck was pretty sure the New Directions chair took one look at the Carrie-esque look plastered all over Berry's mug because the next thing everyone knew Schue was nodding rapidly like some kind of hyperactive chipmunk and Rachel was facing them all with this, like, intensely focused look.
She sucked in a deep breath and Puck leaned his head back a bit to get in a big nap (because when Berry started talking, Puck wasn't sure the fucking apocalypse would make her stop) but Rachel's words caught his interest.
'As you are all aware, I have engaged in a rather clandestine affair with the male vocal lead of Vocal Adrenaline.' Puck saw the look of extreme shock on Schue's face and rolled his eyes. 'However, despite my rather determined efforts to force aside the stereotypical warnings that many of you have forced upon me, I have come to realize that perhaps there was the slightest possibility that you might have had my best interests at heart. Which is quite hard to believe considering my rather rocky relationship with most of you thus far but I think that music is the most cathartic release of these negative emotions I have been experiencing lately and so I would appreciate it if you would all remain silent and perhaps endure the song I am about to perform because it would contribute supremely to my emotional health.'
Rachel looked at them all expectantly, as if she thought they had understood like a fifth of what she had just spouted off. He even thought Mike had whipped out that electronic dictionary Rachel had bought him when he had made an off-hand comment that the Asian boy needed something to help him understand her speech. Rachel, being Rachel, had taken this quite seriously. Mike had accepted her gift, unsure whether to feel gratified or insulted.
Puck had just smirked.
But back to Berry. She nodded towards Piano Guy (who was that dude?) and then begun to sing.
You held my hand and walked me home, I know
Why you gave me that kiss it was something like this it made me go ooh ohh
You wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears, why did you have to go?
Guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love
Guys are so hard to trust
Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl?
The one who gives it all away, yeah
Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?
Did you think that it was somethin I was gonna do and cry?
Don't try to tell me what to do,
Dont try to tell me what to say,
You're better off that way
Don't think that your charm and the fact that your arm is now around my neck
Will get you in my pants I'll have to kick your ass and make you never forget
I'm gonna ask you to stop, thought I liked you a lot, but I'm really upset
Get out of my head get off of my bed yeah thats what I said
Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl, the one who, throws it all away
Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?
Did you think that it was somethin I was gonna do and cry?
Don't try to tell me what to do,
Dont try to tell me what to say,
You're better off that way
This guilt trip that you put me on won't, mess me up I've done no wrong
Any thoughts of you and me have gone away
Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?
Did you think that it was somethin I was gonna do and cry?
Don't try to tell me what to do,
Dont try to tell me what to say,
You're better off that way
Better off that way
I'm better off alone anyway
Puck felt his stomach twist.
Oh, it was on.
When he walked into Glee next practice, his knuckles were split and bleeding. Berry had taken one look at it and gasped all horrified and cartoonish.
'Oh my Lord Noah!' Was all she managed before she pushed him down into a chair and struggled with the first aid kit stowed in the back of the room. 'What happened?'
Puck shrugged, totally not minding that Rachel was flitting her fingers around his hand like that. Her chest was like, eye level, and he was enjoying the view.
'Have you been engaging in another activity totally unbecoming of a high school senior such as yourself?' She asked, sighing all heavily like he was an idiot.
Puck felt his brow lump together in the middle. 'Berry, I have total fists of fury. It'd be a waste not to like utilize it or some shit like that.'
Rachel viciously poured some kind of foul smelling liquid onto a cotton ball.
'You,' she said all matter-of-factly, 'are an idiot.'
And then she pressed the cotton ball onto his war wounds and completely burned his skin off.
At least, that's what it felt like.
He didn't say a word after that, choosing to glare at Berry's ungrateful (finely-toned) ass as she bandaged his hand with care.
It was only after rehearsal did she get a clue.
Jonathan, the former pretty boy of Vocal Adrenaline (Puck took in his split lip and bruised nose and wondered how someone could look that fugly), was standing on the steps of McKinley. He spotted Rachel and shuffled up to her. Berry, on her part, was staring aghast at her ex (and really, she went from him to that?).
'Jonathan?' She asked, as if she couldn't quite believe that someone had completely messed up the asshole's face like that.
'I'm sorry that I tried to make you sleep with me.' Puck glared at the mini-Schue (which, on second thought, was a complete insult to the teacher because Puck maybe found him moderately tolerable despite the Spanish teacher's Care Bear stance on life. And, like, it'd take a complete saint to have to put up with Mrs Schue because Puck was pretty sure she was some kind of Arkham Asylum escapee). Jonathan swallowed. 'And I wouldn't have been able to satisfy you anyway because I have a penis the size of a tadpole.'
Rachel gaped.
Puck nodded.
Jonathan disappeared into his tiny car (as stated by the man himself, there was obviously no need to compensate for something already lacking), Rachel pivoted on her heel and stared up at him.
'What?' He asked, shifting when she didn't say anything.
'You…your hand…his face…'
'What about it?' Puck remarked, strolly casually towards his truck. Rachel followed after him. Of course she would. Seriously. Couldn't she accept the good deed like a normal human being?
'Noah, were you defending my honour?'
'Hell no!' Puck protested immediately. 'I got extra pickles in my burger today and I needed like an outlet to channel all my aggression. That dude just happened to pass by. I didn't even know who he was.'
'You didn't know that he and I engaged in a clandestine affair?'
Puck dug his nails into his palms.
'Fuck no. If I did I would have bought him a trophy for even wanting to date your crazy ass.'
'Oh.' Her voice was all small and meek and fuck. Now he felt guilty.
'Look Berry. Don't make a big deal out of this. Your, like, completely unsubtle song about this douche demanded action. I exercised my right to vandalize his face with my fists.'
Puck yanked open the door to his truck.
Rachel looked at him with Bambi, glassy eyes.
'You want a ride?' He asked, reluctantly.
(Let's be clear on that)
So he drove her home. When they got to her driveway, she was looking at him like he'd taken a slushy for her or when he'd chosen Glee or when he'd sung "Sweet Caroline".
'So see ya,' he muttered, facing the road.
Her lips pressed against his cheek.
'Thank you Noah.'
That burning on his skin?
It had to be an allergic reaction to that antiseptic shit Berry had smeared all over his hand earlier.
That's it.