How badly this will hurt me
When you say goodbye
George propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at the woman lying beside him. The moonlight streaming through the cracks in the blinds illuminated her sleeping frame, catching the strands of gold in her copper hair and highlighting the smooth expanses of skin tanned by months in the desert. He smiled slightly and brushed hair from her sleeping face. She stirred, but did not wake. She looked so peaceful when she was asleep. You would never know that she was the one they called the Lioness, the woman who shocked all of Tortall when they learned Alan of Trebond was really Alanna. When she was asleep, she looked as womanly as any woman who spent six years at the Convent in the City of the Gods.
Perhaps he would tell her that. She liked to pretend she was stronger than most, and perhaps she was. But she wasn't now, not after what happened in the desert with Prince Jonathan. George still didn't know details, but he knew it had hurt her. She refused to talk about it, and he respected that. She just needed someone, and he was happy to be the one she turned to. He had loved her for years, and had told her as much on several occasions. He suspected she loved him too, but she had always loved the Prince better. And who wouldn't? The King of Thieves could hardly compete with the handsome Crown Prince.
But he could try. Some selfish part of him knew that whatever passed in the desert helped his chances. He felt terrible even thinking it, but he had always known that Alanna could not end up with Jonathan. Much as he loved her, he knew his lass was not destined to be queen. He suspected she knew as much, which only added insult to her injuries. Injuries he could help heal, with kisses and love.
He knew she could not stay. She would get bored from inactivity, or he would have to return to Corus. He knew she would not want to travel back there, not yet. She wanted to give the nobles more time to adjust, and she needed her distance from Jonathan. More than that, traveling was her dream. For years, she'd told him about how she wanted to be a roaming knight. She was destined to do great things, his Lioness, and he could never keep her from them. He would worry about her, he might even have her watched when he could. But he could never keep her from being the Lioness. He would never dream of it.
George kissed her temple and rolled over, back against hers, to fall back asleep. Not long after, Alanna awoke, staring at the broad expanse of his back. "J-" she started, and then stopped. This wasn't her tent in the desert. This wasn't Jonathan. She swallowed hard and rolled onto her back, as if that would miraculously keep the tears in her eyes. The wounds were still too fresh, even lying here beside George, who loved her. She was woman enough for him. He would never dream of changing her. She knew that.
She also knew that George had loved her a long time, probably longer than Jonathan. She knew that George was her best friend first, not the Prince first. She knew that George had been waiting since she was sixteen to marry her, perhaps before. She knew that George loved her in ways that kept her warm for now, but wrapped that warmth around her for later. She could see his love for her whenever he looked at her, and she felt safe in his arms. He would never say such terrible things to her, and she knew that.
Even with all these things that she knew, she still could not shake Jonathan. No matter how hard she tried, she could not shake him. She wanted nothing more than to forget him, to wake up in the morning and not love him anymore. She wanted to love George, not George and. George was too good a man to not give her full love and devotion too. But she could not just turn off love. Are you happy, Mother? she asked silently, bitterly. I've learned to love, and now it's complicated. I knew it would be. This is why I didn't want it.