Ain't Karma A BEEEEE

by evefaxton

Dang, the celestial censor is stuck again! This is what happens when the Akatsuki go to hell. Re-posted, re-edited, re-'friggin female doggin' written crack fic.

2. Chapter 2

AN: This is complete and total crack fiction. So don't stress over the order of deaths or that Konan is in Purgatory and all the other canon stuff.

Just check your brain in with the cute coat check girl and enjoy the story!

Ain't Karma A Bitch! Part Deux

Chapter Two

Cold eyes searched the darkness of a strange hallway and turned to see a tall form lumbering towards her. The kunoichi stiffened until she recognized the distinct shape of her fellow Akatsuki member.

"Zetsu," she narrowed her icy eyes at him, "Why aren't you in the Land of Fire?"

The half-man, half-plant nodded as he stood beside her, "I don't know, Konan-san. I could have sworn I was about to take out that Leaf shinobi, but then I woke up here. Must have been roaming this hall for a while, but I only found this door to be the way out."

Zetsu's voice changed as his other personality asserted itself, "There ain't shit around here so, we better find out what the hell happened!"

The pale woman peered at the door and nodded, "The door it is then."

The former grass ninja stepped ahead and opened the door for his superior, to reveal a office lobby filled with tables, chairs, and...

"Akatsuki," said the blue kunoichi and all the men spun around in their chairs when they heard the familiar apathetic voice.

Zetsu peered around Konan and smiled, "Well, well, well... I think we have a better understanding of what's going on."

"Yeah," shouted his other half, "We're DEAD! Dead as a doorknob! Kicked the bucket! Pushing up daisies! We fucking snuffed it!"

The man-plant would have continued on his tirade if Konan hadn't turned around and glared into his soul.

"Right, dead," he finished lamely.

When the two newcomers stepped further into the room, they heard a nasally voice call out to them.

"Konan! Zetsu! Please come to the front desk. You're files are here, ready and waiting."

As both shinobi walked past the long since dead men, Konan gave each of them a piercing stare. Deidara, Sasori, and Kakuzu all flinched under her scrutiny while Kisame merely nodded in deferment. Hidan did his usual leer, making Konan glare all the harder, but the Uchiha just sat there with a blank and faraway look on his face. It was obvious the kid was deep in thought, but the blue kunoichi walked on by, ignoring him as always.

Konan and Zetsu walked up to the front desk to find a pink-haired secretary, popping her equally pink bubble gum at them.

"Love the hair, hon," said Gladys as she waved a finger at Konan's do, "What do you use? Permanent or glaze?"

"Mother Nature," the kunoichi replied dryly, "You said something about files?"

The secretary nodded, stood up from her desk, and dumped a boatload of papers into the shinobi's arms, "Yup! Here they are. Welcome to Purgatory. Just to fill out all these forms in triplicate then turn them in for processing. When you're done, a suitable afterlife will be chosen for you according to the information you provide. You can call me Gladys. Maureen's in the break room right now, but you can meet her later. If you need any help, please hesitate to ask. The bathroom is over there and there are pens at the tables."

Gladys was about to sit back down when her computer screen flashed and beeped at her. Everyone stopped what they were doing to watch the pink secretary give Zetsu a glance, rush to the back then return with an apprehensive look on her face.

"Wowzer," she said while walking up to Zetsu, "It's been a while since I've had to pull one of these out... Not since the Donner Party came in. Here ya' go." She placed the big red folder on top of his files and sat back down in her chair.

The Grass nin gave Konan a sheepish grin then shuffled off to find an empty seat next to the studious Sasori, who was only half a folder away from finishing.

Konan turned with the enormous stack in her arms and peered around to look at the other Akatsuki.

Hidan quickly kicked Kakuzu out of his chair and pulled it out for the kunoichi, "Hey baby, lookin' good. I see you kept the piercing. Nice... You can sit over here next to me!"

"BEEP-in BEEP," shouted Kakuzu, but he quickly picked up his paperwork with his strings including the new ones and moved next to Deidara.

Itachi frowned at the grinning Hidan then looked over at his partner, "Move."

Wincing at the trouble of getting up, Kisame glanced between Itachi and the blue kunoichi, "Bros before hos?"

The Uchiha switched his eyes into the Mangekyou, "Move."

"Okay, okay," Kisame jumped out of his chair and scooped up his files, "Sheesh! Konan-san appears and suddenly, he's all 'Romantic'. Bleh."

Itachi stood up and gracefully waved a hand at the still warm seat, "Konan-san?"

The blue kunoichi rolled her icy eyes and sighed, "I have better things to do than play musical chairs with you losers." She placed her stacks on the nearest table and ran through her jutsu.

Her body peeled and folded away into millions of butterflies that slipped between the stacks, merging with the paperwork.

As the rest of Akatsuki gaped at the fluttering stacks, Kisame wasn't sure, but he thought he saw Itachi give the tiniest sigh, "Of all the kunoichi to fall for, he had to fall for Pein's girl. Baka!"

After a few minutes, the butterflies realigned and created the cold Konan once more.

She picked up her finished files and curtly placed them on Gladys' desk, "There. All done and perfectly organized. Is there anything else you require?"

"Oh my," said Gladys as she rifled through the files, "I must say that is impressive. That must be in record time! Just let me take this to Maureen in the back and we'll see if we can get you to Earth."

The blue kunoichi gave the other woman a short bow, "Thank you much, Gladys. I'll wait right here."

"Hey," said Deidara hopefully, "Do you think you can do that with my papers. Just ask what you need then fill it out for me. It won't take long. See, I'm almost done, un!"

Konan turned and sighed, "Do your own homework, lazy bum."

Gladys came trotting back in and sat down at her desk,"Maureen was so excited! It had been a while since she got some real work besides filing. You know, our department is always looking for more help. This job has a lot of perks."

The pinkette looked over at Itachi and gave him a flirty wave. Konan watched the young man wince and stand a file on it's end to hide.

Unperturbed, Gladys chuckled and turned back to the blue kunoichi, "Instead of going back to Earth, you could stay here as a celestial employee."

Konan took a moment to think. She could remain and wait for Pein, but then he would definitely head straight to Earth without her. Would it be worth it to reunite with her partner? She glanced back at the rest of Akatsuki where Hidan and Itachi were obviously waiting for a chance to fulfill their fantasies.

'Sex ain't that good,' Konan turned back to Gladys, "Thank you for the offer, but I'll take my chances with Reincarnation."

"Very well then," the secretary pulled out a clipboard and flipped up some pages, "I just need you to initial here, here, and over there, then sign at the bottom where the 'X' is."

Konan quickly finished the very last piece of paperwork and handed the pen back.

Gladys smiled, "And now I'll bring up the list of available lives you qualify for..." She brought up the page on her computer and pointed to the top line, "I am pleased to announce that your new life will begin as a Konohakagure Fire Ant! Congratulations!"

There was a moment of shocked silence, followed by a small snickering coming from Zetsu's direction.

"An ant," Konan pursed her lips into a frown, "A stupid ant."

Gladys raised a finger, "Ah, a Konoha Fire Ant, but since you filled out the non-compulsory forms you have the option of choosing the following life, which is an APHID to the same ant colony in Konohakagure."

Deidara scratched his head, "What's an aphid again, un?"

Zetsu's polite side stopped his giggling and asserted itself, "An aphid is the ant world equivalent of a cow. They're meticulously cared for by the ants for their honeydew, which is excreted from the anus whenever an ant massages their backs."

Konan paled as she imagined life with ant antennae stroking her back while the sweet sticky substances ooze out her ass.

Kisame cupped a hand to his mouth, "Moo! Moo-oooo!"

Sensing Konan's hesitancy, Gladys pointed out, "The life an ant is relatively care free and you're sure to earn brownie points with the higher powers. Life of an insect will most definitely get you back among the human race in the next life. Your non-compulsory forms automatically set you up from having to end up back at Purgatory. And from what I read here, it'll be a very pampered life too. With the best food, comfortable accommodations, even daily massages for your tired muscles just for doing nothing all day."

Konan sighed and nodded, "Very well. I accept."

Gladys smiled as she readied her computer, "Alright then. One way ticket to Earth for Miss Konan!

With a smug smile, Konan stood in front of Gladys and waited as the secretary's fingers flew across the keyboard before hitting "Enter".

As the kunoichi's body disintegrated into a shimmering cloud of chakra, Konan felt that she owed her fellow Akatsuki a parting gift.

This was the first time the Akatsuki witnessed a person finish the reincarnation process and the boys watched from behind with curious faces.

Their curiosity changed abruptly when Konan raised one hand up and gave them the middle finger salute.

"OI," shouted a pissed off Kakuzu, "That qualifies for another file!"

But before anyone could do anything, the kunoichi was gone.

"That stuck up blue BEEP," spat Sasori, one green eye twitched as another paper appeared in the air.

Kakuzu groaned as he returned to his files, "No kidding. Man, why does she always get the breaks!"

Itachi narrowed his eyes when he realized what had been bothering him, "You said that Konan would be reincarnated a second time 'Among' the human race. You didn't say she would be a human again."

"Cute and smart," Gladys winked at Itachi, who responded with a tiny shudder, "Yeah, she's already set up to return to earth as a Japanese Wa-gyu."

A huge grin grew on Hidan's face as he and Kakuzu exchanged looks.

Deidara scratched at his blond hair, "Wag-who, un?"

"Wa-gyu! It's a COW," Kakuzu leaned back in his chair all the while chuckling happily, "And not just any cow... The most expensive and finest marbled beef steak Japan can offer!"

"Konan kobe beef seasoned and seared to perfection," An evil Hidan brought his fingers to his lips and threw a chef's kiss in the air, "Mmmmwah!"

Everybody grinned in satisfaction except Sasori who drummed his fingers on the table and brought up a disconcerting thought, "Are we all going to end up as insects as well?"

Gladys shrugged as she looked down the list, "Maybe better, maybe worse. It depends on how you lived your life, the next available slot, and how accurately you fill out your forms." She looked through the next five slots ranging from an aphid, a blow fish, a shark, a frog, and a bikouchuu beetle.

"Well," she said aloud, "The next available lives you guys qualify range from insects to aquatic animals."

"Gladys, dear you're not supposed to give out confidential information," came a familiar voice from the back room.

Gladys winced then gave the guys a wink, "Don't worry Maureen. They would've figured it out sooner or later! OH, and we have a new guest. Zetsu, wasn't it."

The Akatsuki heard the clicking and clacking of high heels coming down the hall, then a blond beehive poke out from around the corner.

"Yipe!" Hidan ducked under the table, all the while muttering curses to himself.

Zetsu wondered why Hidan's 'Swearing' pile kept growing, while the rest of Akatsuki cringed into their stacks. He peered at the blond hair-do bob outside the room.

"Hello... nice to meet you, Maureen," he stood up in his seat and ventured a look at this new secretary, "Why are you hiding?"

A sly grin grew on Gladys' face and she waved a hand at the former Grass nin, "Go on ahead, dearie. She won't bite. Hey Maureen, why don't you take our new friend to the Back Room for some snacks."

"Don't do it, man," warned Kakuzu.

"Zetsu, Zetsu," Hidan whispered harshly, attempting to get they guy's attention, "BEEP! You don't want to go! Don't you hear me, BEEP it!

Itachi just shrugged, "Some have to learn the hard way."

"Like you," pointed out Kisame, earning him a cold glare.

Deidara and Sasori shook their heads in pity was they watched curiosity kill the plant. All of them saw a hand reach out from behind a corner, take the polite Zetsu by the hand, and lead him away to the mysterious Back Room With Snacks.

Then they waited... And waited... And waited...

Sasori just started working on the second to the last page of his very last file when Zetsu returned looking very happy.

"Mmmm," they heard him mumble as he licked his fingers and lips, "Interesting flavor. Tastes just like chicken."

Huge grins filled the Akatsuki faces as they watched Zetsu return to his seat. Kakuzu stared in disbelief that the man actually dared to commit such an atrocity here and now. On the other hand, Hidan was practically hopping up and down in his chair.

Gladys glanced at Zetsu's cannibalism folder and quickly stood up from her desk, "Maureen, hon? Are you alright? MAUREEEEN?" The Akatsuki held back their laughter until the pink secretary disappeared down the hallway.

"HA HA! I'm free! I'm free," Hidan jumped up on his table and swung his scythe in jubilee, "I'm BEEP-en free!

Itachi leaned over and gave Zetsu a serious look, "I'll fill out three of your folders, if you make room for some pink dessert."

"Who wants dessert," trilled Maureen's voice from behind the men.

"BEEP! BEEP! Oh my BEEP-en god!" Five freaked out men swore profusely, jumped to the ceiling, and grasped at their chests in terror.

They looked back at the far end of the office and saw a push cart come through the front door, piled high with delicious food.

"Holy BEEP," shouted Hidan and pointed at the bouncing beehive from behind a tall donut tower, "BEEP! Seriously, You're supposed to be BEEP-en digestin' inside fuck'n Zetsu!"

Kisame and Itachi blinked at each other, "Hey," said the shark-man, "We heard that one!"

"Huh?" Hidan looked around then up at the corner ceiling. Above the men, the Celestial Censor box was buzzing and sparking with a coil bouncing out one side.

Hidan shrugged, "I guess we broke it."

Kakuzu shook his head, "Uh uh, you broke it. We ain't helping you pay for this one!"

"Too late, un" grumbled Deidara and held up the new form for a Breaking Celestial Property.

Sasori looked down and groaned as he started in on his new form and 'Swearing' file.

The push cart squeaked as Maureen directed it through the middle aisle then stopped in front of Zetsu, "There you are, love. After you cleaned out the Break Room, I went back to Earth for more lovely food, but I bought so much, I had to go through the front door instead of the back!"

Five pairs of eyes nearly popped out of their eye sockets to see perfect skin and shiny blue eyes.

Zetsu looked up from his files and smiled politely, "That was very kind of you, Maureen.

Hidan's jaw had dropped open and his scythe swung freely on one side. Unable to keep his eyes off of Maureen, he stepped off the table and onto the floor.

"Yeah, baby," said the other side of Zetsu, "I think I can make some more room."

As Zetsu and Maureen walked through the aisle, Hidan was following right behind the blond like a horny dog. He knelt low to get a good look at her perfect ass then back up to look up and around at the secretary's hour-glass figure that would make a porn star jealous. He finally stopped sniffing around Maureen when she and Zetsu turned into the hall leading to the Break Room.

Hidan stepped back in the lobby and pointed to the trolley pushing woman, "She's a babe! The old bitch is a fucking hot babe!"

Gladys came down the hall and into the office lobby, "Glad to see you were just out shoppin', Maureen! Hello, Blondie! Is something botherin ya'?"

"Yeah! How does a sixty year old bitty get a body like that," shouted Hidan, "I could have sworn when I saw liver spots on that arm before!"

The pink secretary smiled and sat down, "Oh that! Well, that's one of the perks of working in Purgatory. We get to choose how old we look. The last time you saw Maureen, her illusion was on the fritz. As you can see, it's working now."

She turned to where Itachi was carefully watching her and waved her nail file at him, "I can see the little wheels in your head churning like mad, handsome! And you're right, I don't look my age. Why don't all of ya' guess? I'll take a page off one of your files if you get it right."

Deidara shrugged, "Twenty-five?"

She chuckled and waved for them to go higher.

"Thirty-five," ventured Sasori.

"Fifty," said Kisame, "Just like the Godaime of the Leaf Village!"

"Actually, last I heard, the Hokage was getting on to sixty," said Hidan.

Much to Itachi's dismay, Gladys shook her head the entire time, "Nope. Sorry, you're all wrong! I'm a hundred and twenty-three!"

The men openly appraised the secretary as she proudly patted her down pink hair.

"My my, Itachi," Sasori turned to the paling Uchiha, "You boffed someone who makes my Chiyo-baasan look like a spring chicken!"

While the others jeered and teased Itachi, Kakuzu was rolling around a piece of information inside his head and leaned to Deidara, "Hey, that Maureen chick said there was a back door out of here. Maybe we can use it to break out and head back to Earth."

Deidara frowned, "But we don't know what we'll end up like?"

"Or we can end up just like ourselves," urged Kakuzu.

"What are you two whispering about," asked Hidan as he popped up between the other two.

"We're gonna make a break for it through the back door," replied Deidara.

Hidan nodded, "I am so there. Hey, Itachi," the blond shinobi walked over to the depressed Uchiha and whispered in his ear with Kisame leaning in.

The man straightened up and nodded, "I'm in."

Kisame also nodded, "What about you, Sasori?"

The redhead frowned as Deidara whispered their plan into his ear, "NO! I am too close to finishing and further more, if you guys try something, I get punished too. I'm not doing it."

"What's that hun," said Gladys as she looked up from polishing her nails.

"Uh, nothing. Nice shade of polish," muttered the puppet master then turned to his comrades, "Don't do it. At least, not yet! Please, wait until I'm done."

Kakuzu shrugged, "You got five minutes, give or take a few seconds."

He raised his voice and waved a hand, "Uh hey, Gladys! You know, I'm feeling a bit peckish and I'm sure some of the guys here a little hungry too."

"Yeah," said Deidara with a wink, "We sure would like to taste some that food in the Break Room, un."

Gladys smiled without looking up from her nails, "Why didn't you say so, hon! Go on ahead. Just follow the hall and the Break Room is on your right. Ya' can't miss it!"

Hissing, Sasori urgently dove into his paperwork, his pencil working its way down the pages like crazy. The rest of Akatsuki grinned at him as they walked around Sasori and past the clueless secretary.

The puppet master rushed through his last papers as fast as his wooden fingers would let him before the bakas could get him in more trouble.

The escaping shinobi glanced into the Break Room to see Zetsu being happily hand fed by a beautiful sixty year old Maureen. Shaking their heads, they crept past the door and walked up to the one door that shimmered with an ethereal glow.

"Looks like this is it," said Kakuzu.

Hidan looked at his partner, "Are you sure?"

Itachi rolled his onyx eyes, "The sign over the top of the door is a good hint."

The others looked up at the hand painted sign with graceful calligraphy showing the word, "EARTH."

A few seconds before the four men stepped through the back door, Sasori scrambled to gather his stacks to Gladys, who was blowing her nails dry.

"I'm all done," he practically shouted and rushed to the front desk, "Don't bother getting up. I'll take these straight to Maureen. She's in the Break Room, right!"

The there was a flash of light and thunder throughout the entire office and the front door opened with four grinning shinobi running inside.

"The FUCK," shouted Hidan, "How did we end up back here?"

Maureen and Zetsu ran into the lobby with confused expressions.

"Did they do what I think they just did," asked Maureen and waved a hand at the four men shuffling their feet.

Gladys sighed and stood up from her chair. She opened up a drawer and pulled out six folders labeled "Attempting to Reincarnate Without Clearance." Then she handed each man one folder, including Sasori and Zetsu, who merely shrugged and went back to work.

"I have to say, fellas," said the pink secretary, "You are persistent!"

Frustrated, Sasori dropped his papers on the floor and threw himself down to beg at Gladys' feet, "Why? Why? I was here the whole time. I had nothing to do with it. You saw me!" If Sasori could cry, he would have.

Gladys cooed as she pat his red hair, "Oh poor baby. I'm sorry, it's not my job to decide whether or not who gets what forms... the files just appear on my desk. I just hand them out. But as far as I can tell your problem is 'Implication by Association'."

Kisame shrugged as he started back on his files, "Sucks for you to be in Akatsuki, huh."

Then with an idea popping over her head, Gladys straightened up and licked her red lips, "But uh, I could always make that new file a little lighter. And since I'm seducing you, there's no extra paperwork." And gave him a saucy wink.

Everyone stared, even Maureen, as they waited for the redhead to make a decision. Kakuzu, who could stick his threads in his ears, along with Zetsu, who had absolutely no idea what this woman's voice could do, were giving Sasori two thumbs up. Deidara, Kisame, Hidan, and especially Itachi were waving their hands while shaking their heads.

"No, no, don't do it," they whispered.

"Come on...," whispered Gladys, "I'll give you a tour of the Back Room?"

"Uuuuhhh, I can't." the puppet master's green eyes flickered nervously as he tried to explain a way out of the situation, "I don't have the 'Equipment' anymore."

Aside from the whooshing static coming from the now defunct Censor, there was absolute silence encompassing the office. Even Gladys and Maureen were too shocked to say anything. The rest of the Akatsuki stared in horror that the puppet master would go that far to replace everything.

"Fuck'n hell," Hidan smoothly picked the paper floating in the air and placed it on top of the others, "And I thought I had a problem with missing body parts."

Deidara chuckled in satisfaction, "Who's the girl now, Sasori-danna... un!"

Kisame sneered with his sharp teeth glinting in the light, "Someone was a little over enthusiastic with the soldering iron, huh."

Sasori winced as he tried to come up with an excuse, "I lost it in a fight with Orochimaru and couldn't find a replacement."

"Are you sure it was a fight, un," quipped Deidara with a grin.

"Sasori, if you were that hard up for parts, you should have said something," admonished Kakuzu, "I wasn't the official Akatsuki medic for nothing."

Zetsu had his head on the table with one hand banging on the surface, "Bwahahahaha! The great Sasori-sama of the Red Sands is anatomically incorrect!"

Then he straightened up with a slight frown on the pale side of his face, "That's not nice. The poor man probably hasn't gotten lucky in over a decade."

"Explains why he didn't think he needed it anymore," murmured Itachi as he returned to his paperwork.

Gladys pouted for a moment, but then perked right back up, "That's okay, hon'! We'll just get CREATIVE!"

The puppet master looked at the new stack of forms on his table, then at the secretary already putting on a fresh coat of lipstick. Every minute he stayed with these bakas, was a minute closer to more paperwork and another day away from freedom.

"I... I guess we can give it a go?"

Gladys squealed happily and grabbed the redhead by one arm.

And with his grinning comrades waving pitiful bye bye's, the Great Pink Maneater dragged a nervous Sasori down the hall and into the dreaded Break Room.