2

After Sharon's initial reaction to Rusty's disappearance, her subsequent calm was almost frightening. Her shoulders were squared, her lips tightly pressed together, her arms folded in front of her chest as if she was trying to keep herself from physically falling apart. Andy could see how the fingers of her right hand kept clenching and unclenching almost imperceptibly, her long nails leaving angry red marks on the bare skin of her upper arm. He couldn't hear her through the glass that separated the squad room from the superior's office but he knew that her voice was clear but subdued. He was well aware that he could hardly sit next to her and support her while she talked to the head of Missing Persons, but he longed to anyway. Standing here with the rest of the team, doomed to watch her suffer, felt wrong although given the circumstances it was the smartest thing to do. Sharon really didn't need the additional stress of people finding out about their relationship right now. At some point they would have to go public but he could tell that now was not it.

Neither the team's quick search of the premises nor a more thorough quest had turned up any results. It was as if Rusty had disappeared off the face of the earth. Despite her growing concern, Sharon had been adamant to not disturb Amy Sykes' big day so that they had quietly and unofficially interviewed the guests – but to no avail. Nobody had seen or heard anything. The Major Crimes division did not usually deal with abduction cases or missing persons in general so they called the LAPD's specialists and agreed to meet their head, Tom Stevens, in their office while a team would resume the search for Rusty. Usually missing persons only became relevant to the LAPD if they'd been missing for at least 48 hours but since Rusty was a material witness in a soon to be tried murder case and a high-ranking police officer's ward, procedure was sped up considerably.

He hesitantly took his eyes off Sharon and regarded his squad mates, biting his toothpick hard. His habit was the one thing in him that Sharon hated with a passion. She never said so but he could tell from the look on her face. At this crucial moment, however, he needed it to keep him sane. It was either that or a stiff drink and the latter was naturally out of the question. Sanchez was staring at the whiteboard that so closely resembled theirs with a look that suggested that he was willing to kill someone. His arms were tightly folded in front of his body, his hands clenched into angry fists. Tao had taken up residence at the conference table, typing away at his laptop and there was an anxious trait around his mouth that Flynn had never seen before. He had a teenage son, too, Andy remembered. He could probably imagine what Sharon was going through right now. Buzz was leaning against the wall, fondling with the hem of his suit jacket. He looked extremely uncomfortable and kept glancing over at Sharon with a worried expression while Provenza was pacing which served to make everyone even more nervous and frustrated.

Andy could see why: Taylor had impressed upon them that the matter was out of their hands. Missing teenagers were not exactly their area of expertise and their personal involvement in the case forbade them from investigating it. That, however, had not kept any of them from accompanying Sharon. Andy was glad for it, not only because of the fact that his presence would not be questioned but also because it meant that they cared for her, too. He was sure that they would have done this for Chief Johnson just as gladly and this only showed that Sharon's hard work had paid off and that she was not the hated outsider anymore. Also, when the times came, it would make it easier for them to tell them about the developments in their personal lives without dreading their reaction too much.

He looked back at Sharon who had placed a hand over her mouth and was nodding without taking her eyes off the bulky, half-bald head of Missing Persons. Commander Stevens was not exactly known for his gentleness and Andy could see from the way he was acting in Sharon's presence that he still associated her with FID. She stood her ground but her pallor gave away her true state and he wasn't happy with it.

Stevens' eyes bore into Sharon's and she suddenly longed for the glass of water he had never offered her. He was brilliant at his job but she could tell that he was affected by his personal opinion of her. Three years ago she had investigated one of his men and despite the fact that she had found him not guilty of improper conduct in the end, Stevens still resented her the investigation in the first place. She could tell from the way he leaned back in his chair and did not show any sign of empathy towards her although she was visibly shaken. She just needed to get through this, Sharon reminded herself, so he could do his job and find Rusty.

"Can you be sure that he did not just run away?" Stevens finally asked the question she had been dreading all along. Given Rusty's history she was sure that she would have a hard time convincing the commander.

"Yes. Absolutely. Rusty wouldn't do that."

Stevens' brows shot up. "He used to be a hustler who lived on the streets. I wouldn't put a little vanishing act past him if life in catholic school got too boring." He toyed with the binder that contained Rusty's file and shrugged, awaiting her answer.

"He's been living with me for a year now, Commander. I know him. He is happy and we actually started looking into adoption a few weeks ago. I don't see a reason for him to run away at this point."

Stevens was visibly surprised by her admission and leaved through the file again, stopping at a picture of a grumpy-looking Rusty. His eyes were questioning and deep down Sharon could see why.

"Trust me on this. He is not my only child-" she began but he cut her off unceremoniously.

"He is not your child, Captain Raydor. And that is exactly the point. Maybe he realized that he doesn't want to be." The unspoken "and I can see why" hung between them like a bank of fog. Sharon felt stung but remained adamant.

"I do know that but he is happy with me. We have become very close."

She could tell from the way Steven shifted in his seat that he was going in for the kill. She wasn't able to foresee what exactly he would throw at her now, but she instinctively braced herself for something uncomfortable at best and painful at worst.

"Are there any recent developments in your own personal life that Rusty might have resented?" He gave her a confidential smile that came off sly rather than comforting. "A new relationship maybe? Or any other developments that might have made him feel threatened?" He turned his head slightly and gazed through the glass at Sharon's team then grinned at her.

"Anything you'd like to share, Captain Raydor?"

His old resentments still ruled his bearings. He was clearly suspecting her of having an affair with one of her subordinates and he exercised his right to ask her anything that could help his investigation in order to gain information on her that would most definitely end up on her successor's desk in FID. She watched his eyes travel from Provenza to Sanchez, then to Flynn and back to Sanchez, bore her nails more deeply into the already sensitive flesh of her arm and winced. Sharon knew for a fact that her relationship with Flynn didn't bother Rusty at all and as for "other developments", she preferred to keep Rusty in the dark for now. There was nothing there that could have made Rusty bail on her like this. Especially not in the middle of a party that they had been enjoying together. Her gut-feeling told her that something had happened so she leaned towards not telling Stevens about Flynn and her. Then again, her denial would be on file and might, at some point, come back to haunt her. In the end she settled for part of the truth and hoped that he would not ask any follow-up questions that would make her lie to him.

"I have been in a new relationship for about seven months but I know for a fact that Rusty doesn't mind."

She could see from the slight flaring of Stevens' nostrils that he had picked up the trail. "Do we ever know for a fact what is going on inside the head of a teenage boy?" Stevens asked but silenced her by means of a raised hand before she could object. "Aren't you actually married, Captain Raydor?"

Sharon felt intruded upon and it made her skin crawl with discomfort. "I am, but my husband and I have been separated for years and I have recently filed for divorce," she said and suspected that her catholic upbringing was what made her feel like she needed to explain herself.

"Does Rusty know about it?"

"I don't see why this would be relevant to his disappearance but no, he doesn't."

She had not anticipated Stevens' next move and therefore she was completely startled by the fact that he nimbly rose to his feet all of a sudden and stretched his hand out for her to shake, very clearly dismissing her. "Maybe you should go home now and see whether he turns up. I'll have someone call you with any new questions or developments."

Professional courtesy would have required him to offer her to observe his investigation but he was obviously not prepared to grant her that. Sharon strongly suspected that he would not have even bothered with the investigation altogether if Rusty hadn't been an important witness in a high profile case. She rose to her feet, too, and immediately felt defenseless in only her sleeveless dress, so she adjusted the belt around her middle to regain some semblance of professionalism.

"Thank you, Commander Stevens," she said woodenly, then walked out towards her squad. She could feel his eyes burning into her back and was endlessly relieved when Flynn made no move to close in on her or even touch her. Like the rest of the team, he looked at her expectantly but in silence.

"They'll look into it," she said in the unfamiliar throaty voice she had answered most of Stevens' questions in. "You can all go home now." She made to leave before her emotions would get the better of her but turned around when she had almost reached the door. "Thank you for being here," she added, her voice barely above a whisper. "I very much appreciate your-" She nodded to calm herself and then added "support". She could tell that her people were taken aback but she needed to get away from everyone right now. Despite herself, she clung to the tiny ray of hope that Stevens was right and that Rusty had just run away. If he came back, home was where he would go and where she would be waiting for him.

Rusty noisily dropped his backpack and shoes to the floor and his keys jingled when he placed them onto the table opposite the door. He could see from where he was standing that the French windows were wide open so Sharon had to be home. He walked into the living room and found her on the couch, wrapped in a blanket and blinking sleepily against the sunlight that was streaming in. When he stepped into her field of vision, her gaze cleared up and she smiled. Her hand felt for her glasses on the coffee table and she slid them on to her nose before she sat up slightly.

"You're on the couch in the afternoon?" he asked. "Is something wrong?"

"Oh, no!" she said quickly, obviously trying to dispel his concern. "I just felt like a lazy Saturday, that's all. How was the game?"

"It was okay. I only went to humor you, okay? Football isn't my thing at all."

She shrugged. "It's a social event. I just wanted to encourage you to meet with young people your age."

He rolled his eyes at her and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge then slumped into one of the armchairs facing the couch. He had left her sitting in the kitchen in her padded bathrobe this morning and though he could tell that she had washed her hair since then, she hadn't bothered with her usual immaculate make-up or outfit but was wearing her favorite black cardigan and a t-shirt. He couldn't see her legs for they were hidden under the blanket but he strongly suspected that she was wearing the old baggy set of black sweatpants she liked so much.

"It's kind of nice outside. Warm, also. Why are you holed up in here under a blanket?"

Now it was Sharon's turn to roll her eyes. "Andy is coming over with lunch in a minute. I told him to get me something with bean sprouts from that organic restaurant near his house but I am sure that he'll bring something else for the two of you. There is a burger shop right next door."

Rusty grinned. "Sweet. Your boyfriend is picking up lunch for us. He sure knows how to make himself useful. Do you have any plans for this afternoon or are you just staying here to cuddle on the couch?"

Sharon blushed slightly which made Rusty chuckle. She was extremely cautious when it came to displays of affections towards Flynn in front of her foster son. In fact, it had taken Rusty's initiative to make her realize that it was okay to have Flynn over for dinner or on weekends. Rusty could tell that she didn't want to impose her new relationship on him but he couldn't have minded less. Flynn was not some stranger that she expected him to like but someone Rusty knew and trusted. Also, teaming up against Sharon with Flynn was far more fun than Rusty would have ever expected. He was used to much worse. Before his mother had ended up with the boyfriend she had been with when she had abandoned him, she had gone through a series of men, none of them particularly likable. They had never been in the same place for long and Rusty had been confronted with a new man every few weeks for most of his childhood. It was also safe to say that his mother had horrible taste in men. None of them had been as intelligent, friendly and caring as Flynn was and none of them had treated his mother, let alone Rusty, with the same respect that Flynn did. Although Rusty liked to pretend to be grossed out whenever they held hands or kissed, he actually liked seeing Sharon so happy with someone he actually thought was good enough for her.

"Yes, we thought we might just stay here and watch a movie or something. You're welcome to join us."

Rusty sipped his water. "Not if it's one of your peculiar French independent movies again. I would like to see something with a plot, for a change."

Sharon made a little noise of contempt and snuggled back into the sofa cushions she had piled up at one side of the couch. "I didn't realize your horror movies had plots."

"Because you can't hear the dialogue over the sound of your own shrieking," Rusty informed her.

"I didn't think it was relevant," she shot back. Somehow she looked nervous to him and her reaction to his teasing lacked its usual vigor. And indeed, he could see her fumble with the hem of her blanket before she looked up at him and grazed her bottom lip with her teeth unconsciously. "Look, Rusty," she finally began. "There's something I'd like to talk to you about."

Rusty sat up with a start. Issues that required a preface like this one were rarely pleasant and Sharon looked as if she was about to step in front of a firing squad. For the first time since he had set Sharon and Flynn up with each other, it occurred to him that they might have a future planned that did not involve him. Maybe she was tired of having him around when she wanted to spend time alone with Flynn. Maybe she was tired of always holding back in front of him, of always having to worry about whether she would embarrass him. Maybe he had gone too far with his teasing and she found him obnoxious. Or maybe it was something completely different. Maybe her sleeping on the couch in the afternoon when she hadn't spent the previous night working meant something. Maybe her exhaustion meant that she was ill. Cancer, maybe. Maybe taking care of a teenager was too strenuous for her and she was about to tell him that she had to get rid of him. Rusty's heart started thundering and he pressed his hands against it in order to stop it beating away so furiously. To his utter relief, Sharon reached out for his shoulder and smiled.

"Don't worry! It's a good thing. I'm… I have no idea how to say this without sounding patronizing, um. I was wondering whether-" She gave a self-conscious smile. "I am making a fool of myself here. Rusty, I was wondering whether you would like to live with me permanently. I don't think I really have to tell you just how much I have grown to care for you... If you are okay with it, I would like to ask Barbara to look into our options when it comes to adoption."

Rusty stared at her, his mouth gaping open. This was the last thing he had expected and while the shock slowly began to wear off, happiness was starting to bubble up inside him. She didn't want or need to get rid of him! Quite the opposite was true. He got up and sat next to her on the couch. Sharon sat up, too, and moved her feet to the floor in front of the couch in order to give him more room. He suddenly vividly remembered the first time they had been in this room together. Back then it had been him on the couch and Sharon had been sitting in the chair in a dark suit with her glasses on. Now she was here right next to him in casual clothes, combined with slightly messy hair and a sheepish expression. He realized that at some point he had started to love her. While he felt protected by her, sometimes he felt the sudden urge to protect her in turn. He had gotten to know the different sides of her, her playfulness, her laughter and had seen her weaknesses, too. She was not looking at him and her hands were at both of her sides as if she was steadying herself against the couch, breathing in and out slowly.

"Are you okay?" he asked, reaching out a hand for her.

Sharon turned and gave him a watery smile. "Just a little nervous."

He couldn't help but chuckle when he realized that he had not yet answered. "Sharon, I would love for you to adopt me," he finally said and watched her face light up with relief and joy.

"Are you sure? I don't want you to feel obliged to agree to anything just because I am acting erratically."

"Sharon, you're not. And I don't feel obliged to do anything."

There were many things Rusty knew he should have said but he couldn't voice a single one of them. He would have liked to tell her that he still thought a lot about his mother, that he missed and loved her, but that Sharon had also shown him by being the exact opposite of his biological mother, that being a mother was more than Sharon Beck could handle. He secretly longed to see her again and sometimes he hoped that she would just appear before him and hug him to tearfully tell him that she was sorry, that she had turned her life around and given up her violent boyfriend and the drugs. He would never forget his mother or even fully give up on her, but that didn't influence his relationship with Sharon. In fact, the two Sharons both were his mother in a way and he very much wanted for this one to be his legal one. He watched a smile form on her face and reached out to embrace her. They had come a long way from hardly looking at each other to her touching him and kissing his forehead or cheek to say goodbye in the mornings, but it was usually her who initiated physical contact, even though he very much appreciated it. He could feel her body tense with surprise when he slightly awkwardly crushed her against his chest. Unlike his own mother, Sharon didn't smell of wine, cigarettes and cheap perfume. Her scent was more natural and clean and he only realized now that he had somehow grown so accustomed to it, that it gave him comfort. Sharon caressed his back and rested her head against his shoulder while he inhaled her scent.

Rusty kept his eyes tightly squeezed shut. If he could recreate the scent in his nostrils, if he could remember how her arms felt around him, maybe when he opened his eyes he would be back in her living room and Flynn would burst through the door with the food and a string of jokes about organic take-out. Maybe he could just go back to the quiet afternoon and the smell of hot chocolate and the ringing of Sharon's laughter in his ears. When he opened his eyes, however, he found the exact same thing that he had seen the last time he had: Absolute and impenetrable darkness. He almost cried out when it hit him but then muffled his agonized sounds by pressing his lips tightly together. His wrists hurt where they were bound together on his back and his knees collided painfully with a hard object whenever the floor started trembling again. He felt dazed and unable to shake off the exhaustion that seemed to beckon him to fall back into velvety darkness and to succumb to his memories of better days when he had felt safe and loved. Rusty felt his heavy eyelids droop again and returned to blissful unconsciousness.

Andy arrived at Sharon's condo only minutes after she had and found her on the couch, her arms propped up on her thighs and her face hidden in her hands. Only one of the lamps sitting on either side of the couch was lit, the only other source of light being the lights of the city that were visible through the panorama windows. He put his key back in his pocket and approached her to carefully sit down next to her and place his hand on her bare shoulder. He let it rest there and felt it tremble slightly underneath his fingertips. Her skin was cold and so he grabbed her favorite cashmere cardigan that she kept in the living room for easy access and wrapped it around her shoulders. Sharon finally raised her face and he could see that her eyes were swollen and puffy. Keeping the silence, he helped her into the sleeves and pulled it together in front of her, resting one hand on her stomach and one on her back while she cried. Sharon was strong and independent and he knew that she wasn't used to having a man by her side in times of need, so he decided to keep his meaningless words of comfort to himself. Despite the fact that it broke his heart to see her like this, instead he would wait until she was ready to reach out to him. It took her minutes to finally calm herself down but he could see her defenses come back up slowly until she took a deep breath and turned towards him. He withdrew his hands from her body and took her outstretched hand instead.

"Thank you for being here," she said in a firmer voice than he had expected her to be capable of producing at this moment.

"Always, Sharon."

She gave his hand a squeeze but then got up and started pacing up and down, her face not visible in the half-darkness.

"I can't just sit back and let Stevens handle things," she complained. "I know he's good at his job but he refuses to take this seriously."

"I understand what you're going through, but I am afraid I have to agree with Taylor. You're far too invested in this to handle the investigation right now."

She stopped to look at him and for a moment he worried that she would shut him out for disagreeing with her. Then she just shook her head and returned to the sofa, the momentary rush of energy already depleted. "I just feel so helpless. Sitting back and letting them do their job feels an awful lot like sitting on my hands and doing nothing while Rusty is out there-" She cut herself off, fighting tears again.

"I know it's hard," Andy agreed. "And I hate to say this because it sounds so plain, but it's late and we should try to settle down for the night. The LAPD has dispatched all available units and Missing Persons is in full swing. They won't stop working for the night just because you get some rest."

"Rest?" Sharon shook her head. "How can you worry about this right now?"

"Sharon," Andy made sure not to touch her since he didn't want her to feel patronized. "Maybe Rusty will be found, soon, but if he isn't, you have a few hard days ahead of you. You need your strength and keeping it up is probably the most sensible thing right now. When Rusty is found, he might need you. You're exhausted as it is. Don't make it worse by wearing yourself down."

Sharon took a deep breath and nodded, touching his cheek lovingly. "You always know the right thing to do, Andy."

"Except when I manage to get caught up in one of Provenza's messes once again," he tried a little joke. Sharon reacted with a sad smile but he could tell that she was grateful for the little attempt at humor. He couldn't imagine how tense she had to be.

"How about you get changed for bed and I make you some hot chocolate?" he asked.

She started to shake her head. "I don't think I can stand-" she began but he cut her off.

"I'll make it anyway. You don't have to drink it. It'll be just fine sitting on your nightstand."

He watched Sharon pick up her phone from the coffee table and carry it towards her bedroom where he joined her ten minutes later with the promised beverage. She was in her pajamas but hadn't bothered to take her make up off. Her dress lay discarded on the dresser instead of being neatly hung inside her abnormally large closet like things usually were when she undressed herself. He placed the mug on the bedside table as promised and stood by her bed, a little unsure as how to proceed.

"Would you like for me to stay here tonight?" he asked and was relieved when the incredulous look on her face told him that she hadn't asked him to because she had just assumed that he would. He loosened his tie and rolled it up carefully to place it on the dresser next to her now crumpled dress. Despite the fact that he felt at home in her bedroom since that was where he spent most of his nights nowadays, he tried to keep his natural chaotic streak under control when he was with her. While every other room bore signs of Rusty – his school books in the living-room, his soft drinks in the fridge and his toothbrush in the bathroom – this was the only space in the condo that was still purely Sharon's and therefore he didn't want to disturb it too much. There was a large bed adorned with many pillows in earthy colors and a dresser that hosted numerous pictures of her children at different ages. Andy particularly liked one that showed a very young Sharon cowering on the floor with each of her arms around a toddler, all three of them smiling brightly. He took off the rest of his clothes and climbed into bed with her.

"I don't think I will be able to sleep," Sharon said and turned around to bury her head in his chest. He ran his hands gently down her back, silently agreeing with her. He probably wouldn't be able to sleep either.