Morgendorffer
a Daria and Blackadder fan fiction crossover story
by Lord Akiyama
Author's Note: Daria and its characters are copyright © of MTV. Blackadder and its characters are copyright © of BBC. This story was created purely out of sheer enjoyment so please don't sue.
This story is based within the third series of the Blackadder television programme, Blackadder the Third. While actual persons, situations, and locations are present and used, historical accuracy has been thrown completely out of the window for storytelling and entertainment purposes. Factual information of those used in this chapter are noted as best as possible at the bottom under Footnotes to History.
Chapter Two
Ink and Incapability
In their room, Daria and Jane were engaged in their individual activities. Daria sat at a desk, writing down words upon a piece of paper every so often. Jane stood at the end of her bed, painting a piece of art with a great deal of vibrant colors. The sunlight had long since ceased piercing through the window, signifying that it was close to mid-day.
"You're sounding awfully quiet this morning, Daria," Jane commented aloud, breaking the long silence between them.
"As we probably both should be, Jane," Daria responded. "I don't want to jinx our good fortune for however long it can last."
"What good fortune would that be?" Jane asked curiously as she continued painting.
"Not being summoned to work," Daria answered.
"Ah," Jane mused. "I had a feeling that there was something strange about us still being in here as noon approached."
"If we're lucky, we'll still be here before dinner time," Daria noted.
"But who would be there to clean up after the spoiled Princess if we're not?" Jane questioned.
"Perhaps she finally figured out that there are some things she can do on her own without the need of assistance," Daria replied.
"Boy, that would be a disaster to see," Jane stated with a slight laugh. "The brat attempting to clean up after yourself."
"I can already picture the aftermath in my head," Daria announced. She looked up from her desk. "Constant sobbing as her attempt to wipe away a spot of tomatoe sauce resulted in her dress turning into an absolute mess."
"The downside being that we won't get to be there to see it all unfold gloriously," Jane pointed out.
"Good point," Daria agreed. After a moment of silence returned, she turned her attention back to what she was writing.
"So, I see you're still working on writing a novel," Jane stated aloud.
"So, I see you're still trying to paint a masterpiece," Daria responded.
"At least I actually complete my work," Jane noted.
"Only for it to be rejected as bizarre and incoherent," Daria commented.
"It's not my fault society has sucky tastes in art," Jane stated. "I'm making an attempt to stand out as an individual from a crowd of nothing more than carbon copies of one another."
"Where would you get that idea?" Daria asked. She looked up over to the other maid with a curious brow raised.
"You wouldn't believe it," Jane began to reply, shaking her head while laughing slightly as she turned to the other. "According to the cousin of Blackadder's dogsbody, all portraits look the same these days. That is because they are painted to a romantic ideal rather than as a true depiction of the idiosyncratic qualities of the subject."
"Baldrick has a cousin?" Daria questioned in amazement.
"Told you you wouldn't believe it," Jane remarked. "Speaking of which, didn't Blackadder try to write a novel?"
"Supposedly," Daria answered.
"What happened?" Jane asked.
"If you must know," Daria replied with a sigh. "He apparently spent seven years writing a book called Edmund: A Butler's Tale."
"Gee, I wonder what that's about," Jane mused sarcastically, returning her attention to her painting.
"'A searing indictment of domestic servitude in the eighteenth century, with some hot gypsies thrown in,' as he described it," Daria noted. "Any way, he submitted it to Dr. Johnson a while back and hasn't heard from him since."
"Dr. Johnson?" Jane questioned with a curious brow raised.
"Samuel Johnson," Daria answered. "Word is that he is the cleverest man alive."[1]
"Now why would any one want to say such a horrible thing like that?" Jane asked, turning back to the other maid.
"It seems the brainbox has been working tirelessly on what is claimed to be the most important literary work in the history of the English language," Daria replied in explanation. "He calls it the Dictionary."
"Do what?" Jane questioned.
"The Dictionary," Daria repeated. "A book that documents every word in our language and lists their definition."
"You mean there are people out there who would want to know the definition to sausage?" Jane asked.
"I guess that's what Dr. Johnson was thinking when he first conceived it," Daria noted as her answer.
"And how does all this make him a doctor?" Jane questioned with a smirk on her face.
"Smart ass," Daria commented.
It was then that the bell in the corner rang. Signifying only one thing. "Oh, time to go to work," Jane sighed.
"Damn," Daria sarcastically cursed. "And here I was hoping that I would get the time to finish my novel."
"You barely wrote sixty pages worth," Jane noted as she began to change out of her painting clothes and into her work dress.
"Bugger off," Daria retorted.
"And what does Dr. Johnson's Dictionary define that as?" Jane asked in a teasing tone.
Daria and Jane stood by patiently in the dining room as Queen Charlotte and Princess Augusta ate their breakfast. Charlotte had a copy of the morning paper in one hand while Augusta merely played with her food by twirling her fork slowly.
"I think it's wonderful of your brother to better his intellectual standing," Charlotte announced rather suddenly. "It will further promote his ability to be a distinguished and capable leader when the time comes for him to succeed his father."
"Mother, it's just a book with a bunch of words," Augusta noted. "What's so special about that?"
"What is special is that it contains every single word in our beloved language, Augusta dear," Charlotte replied. "It is my understanding that because of it it is considered the very cornerstone of English scholarship."
"So it contains every word in English," Augusta commented. "It doesn't sound like any thing to get excited about."
"It's a book that is supposed to tell you what each of those words mean," Charlotte stated sternly.
"Well, it seems to me that this Dr. Johnson fellow wasted so much time on a complete cowpat of a book, mother," Augusta complained. "I mean, I know what English words mean. I speak English. So does George. I don't see how a book would help better his intellectual standing if every one knows what English words mean."
"I can think of a trio of high society brats who don't," Jane muttered to Daria quietly.
"It is how and which words he will use that will be of benefit to him, sweetie," Charlotte proclaimed in a firm tone. "And quite frankly, I believe it will also be a benefit for you to do the same. That is why, for the next few days, your lessons will be based specifically in improving your vocabulary."
"Mother!" Augusta whined.
"It is past due for you to truly start acting like the Princess you are and present yourself in a dignified manner," Charlotte stated, maintaining her authority. "Very much like your sister Charlotte has."
"But Charlotte is married," Augusta attempted to reason foolishly.
"That is not an excuse," Charlotte declared. "Now finish your breakfast so that you can get ready for today's lessons. And for goodness sake, Augusta, will you please consider changing out of your morning gown for once?"[2]
"This is not going to go smoothly," Daria whispered quietly to Jane.
"Miss. Morgendorffer, if I may have a private word with you," Charlotte said rather suddenly as she got up from her seat.
"Busted," Jane teased under her breath.
"Sod off," Daria grumbled while giving the Queen a curtsy. She then followed the elder woman into the adjacent study room. "How may I serve you, your grace?"
"I am quite certain that there is little doubt to you understanding what you overheard between myself and my daughter," Charlotte began to answer. "Just as I am certain that she will not be putting forth the effort I expect her to with these lessons. So I want you to ensure that Augusta does so. Understand?"
"Yes, your highness," Daria replied.
"I suspect you wish to get extra payment out of this, Miss. Morgendorffer," Charlotte noted. "There won't be. But as compensation, I will consider giving you extra time off from work."
"Much obliged, ma'am," Daria responded.
"Good," Charlotte said. She followed with a satisfied sigh. "Now then, let us return to the dining room so as to make sure my daughter does not run off in some vein attempt to avoid her lessons."
Daria and the Queen returned to the dining room to find a sight that threw them completely off guard. The Princess was sitting still, appearing quite perplexed. Jane stood near her, looking rather content with herself.
"Contra wha?" Augusta questioned with a raised brow.
"Contrafribblarities," Jane replied. "It's a common word down our way."[3]
"Really?" Augusta asked in surprise. "I never even heard of such a word before."
"Oh, I'm sorry, your highness," Jane began to say in apology. "I am anaspeptic, phrasmotic, even compunctious to have caused you such pericombobulation."
"Slow down, please," Augusta pleaded, clapping her hands on both sides of her head in a frantic manner. "This is all beginning to sound a bit like dego talk to me."
"Miss. Lane, perhaps you could fetch us some more tea," Charlotte started to say, sensing that the situation was being blown way out of proportion. "I believe we are running a bit low."
"Certainly, your grace," Jane responded with a curtsy. As she was leaving, she managed to bring her attention back to the Princess. "I shall return interphrastically." Augusta practically cried as a result.
"I see I'm not the only one who's been inspired by the way Blackadder talks," Daria noted as she prepared the study for the forthcoming lessons the Princess would undertake.
"Jealous, Daria?" Jane teased while she was dusting the room.
"Hardly," Daria responded. "I'm just impressed that you managed to pull some thing like that off on the spoiled Princess and not incur the wrath of her mother in the process."
"I couldn't help myself," Jane stated with a slight laugh. "I felt the need to bring the brat down a few notches and it was as magnificent as I had hoped. I plan to do it again should the opportunity arise during her lessons."
"Don't get too excited just yet, Jane," Daria commented. "The Queen herself seemed quite impressed with your display of knowledge in the English language. To the point that if none of the tutors in today's lessons work out, guess who will be forced to get the job done tomorrow morning?"
"You're kidding, right?" Jane asked, having halted her work to turn her full attention to the other maid. There was no immediate answer. All that was needed to say to give her the proper impression. "Damn. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut."
"That probably would not have been a bad idea," Daria noted. "I managed to pass along a request to at least try to find a suitable replacement later this evening if things end up moving along that path. But you better hope the tutors today manage to hold their own without getting broken by the spoiled Princess."
"Why do I have this feeling in my stomach that it won't?" Jane muttered before slowly returning to work.
"Because that will probably be the case," Daria replied with a sigh. "Look, the Queen wants me to ensure that the brat takes her lessons seriously. I can't promise a miracle, but I'll do what I can to prevent a total disaster by evening."
"I am not liking what is sure to be inevitable, Daria," Jane grumbled. "The idea of having to be tutor to her would spell my doom. Perhaps I should consider recanting my Catholicism."
"Just relax, Jane," Daria stated in assurance. "We have been surprised by many things that have happened in this palace. Maybe there's a chance a good one will occur during today's lessons."
"So you see, your highness?" the first tutor proclaimed in a low, sensitive, yet excitable tone. He was pointing with one hand to a pair of words that had been written on a small chalk board in the other hand. "'Bow' and 'bough' may sound the same, but are quite different. For one, they are spelled differently. For another, they have very different meanings."
"But why have them sound the same if they are so different?" Augusta questioned in a seemingly sudden manner.
"Um... well..." the tutor uttered in complete hesitation. Almost as though he was unprepared. "You see... the naming of these different objects is primarily due to the location of where they were named. One culture is not aware that another culture uses a word the sounds the same as one of their words, but is used in a different manner."
"So why do we still use them?" Augusta asked further.
"Oh... uh..." the tutor uttered, once more thrown off course from his preplanned and predetermined mindset.
"And since we're using the word 'bow,' that particular spelling is also used to name multiple objects," Augusta stated. "We call it the foremost point of a ship's hull the 'bow.' When gentlemen perform a sophisticated gesture to one of great authority, it is called a 'bow.' And what about the archery weapon? It's spelled the same, but is pronounced differently."
Daria and Jane watched with a mixture of impressiveness and disgust. Particularly when the tutor started to breakdown and cry, covering his face with his hands in shame and sorrow. Under normal circumstances, the maids would have found this scene quite enjoyable. However, they were in a situation that was less than positive.
"I do have to admit one thing," Jane whispered quietly to Daria. "This is the first time I've seen the Princess use some form of intelligence to make a man cry."
"And he wasn't even pining for her," Daria added.
"Isn't 'pining' one of those words that has a double meaning?" Jane pointed out.
"Don't even go there," Daria muttered.
"As you can very well SEE, your grace, it is COMMON to use the word 'TO' in various ways," the second tutor announced.
The manner in which he would literally yell at every fifth or sixth word, coupled with his right eye seemingly bulge dangerously as he would say them, would creep out most any one caught conversing with him. Daria and Jane found it amusing. The Princess, on the other hand, was find it rather annoying.
"So how can I tell which of the three variations of the word is most suitable in a sentence?" Augusta asked in tone that made it very apparent that she was bored.
"Which of the three VARIATIONS of the word to USE is largely dependent upon WHAT kind of sentence you are SAYING," the tutor replied, further speaking as though he were a high ranking military officer addressing his troops.
"But how will I be able to tell when it is most appropriate to use a particular variation of the word?" Augusta continued to question.
"She's being annoying on purpose, isn't she," Jane noted to Daria quietly.
"You would be too if you thought it would be a fun way to induce a heart-attack in a man," Daria commented in return. "An idea we tragically share with the brat."
"Now what spelling of the word 'to' did you have to use in that sentence of yours?" Jane asked in a teasing tone.
"Trust me, you don't want to keep this up," Daria pointed out. "It is only strengthening the case for you to be giving the lessons the spoiled Princess starting tomorrow."
"Thanks for reminding me," Jane grumbled.
"Well, there's one tutor left today," Daria said. "Pray that one gets the job done, or your in serious trouble."
"Notice the spelling of 'woman,' your majesty," the third tutor said. "Look real carefully and you'll see that it is spelled in a way so that you would have to say 'man.' As if to say 'man' is so dominant that a 'woman' must bare their name for life."
"Are you suggesting that the label of... of us should be changed so that it would not be connected with... with them?" Augusta asked with a confused brow raised.
"Of course not," the tutor replied sternly. "That's what they want you to believe. They want you to think that you must except 'man' in your name or change it to some other word as a means of maintaining order and control over everything."
"I don't see how exactly all of this is supposed to help me improve my vocabulary," Augusta noted aloud.
"It will help you show that you're not going to stand for it any longer, your highness," the tutor responded in a firm tone. "That you will stand up and fight for your right to be recognized with strength and not wallow in suffering as a result of your husband of twenty-two years running away to the Americas with a much younger looking maid."
"I vaguely recall that maid she's talking about," Jane stated quietly.
"Blonde hair, likes to gossip about every one and every thing no matter their social class non-stop," Daria explained.[4]
"Oh yeah, her," Jane said in realization. "Never thought about it because I was so damn happy when I stopped hearing her talk."
"It's just too bad that's not going to help you get out of being the brat's tutor tomorrow," Daria noted.
"I hate when you bring everything back down to reality," Jane muttered. She then sighed. "There's no way in hell I would survive giving lessons to the spoiled Princess. She will drive me insane with her inability to stop talking about how many suitors she dated and then dumped within a matter of two minutes followed by disgusting talk about things that are cute. If I become her tutor tomorrow, I will go down in history as the maid who killed a member of the royal family before hanging herself."
"I thought that was your life-long goal," Daria commented. For this, she received a hard glare from the other maid. "Look, we still got the chance to search for someone tonight we can put in place of you to give the lessons. We'll just drop by Miggins' after servicing dinner. A bunch of poets hang out at her shoppe every night, lamenting about drug addiction, tuberculosis, and other woes they claim to be the inspiration of their work."
"And they call poetry romantic," Jane stated.
After serving the royal family their dinner, Daria and Jane quickly changed out of their work dresses and into street clothes. They swiftly made their way down to Mrs. Miggins' shoppe and stopped short of opening the door. Looking through the windows, they noticed that there was something going on that appeared less than typical.
"You should take me to Miggins' more often, Daria," Jane stated. "A scene like this looks very much like my kind of place."
"This is not a normal display of tomfoolery, Jane," Daria noted. "I don't recall the 'literary salon' being this exciting."
"Hey look," Jane said, pointing to a specific blurred figure. "Isn't that Blackadder being verbally accosted by that heavy man?"
"It would appear so," Daria replied, after squinting her eyes. "And it looks like that dogsbody of his is with him as well."
From what they could see, Edmund Blackadder and his dogsbody, Baldrick, were conversing with four men. One of whom was quite big in size. The other three displayed themselves in a manner that made them out as companions to the larger man. Whereas Blackadder tried to look and appear more distinguished than his social status, Baldrick looked as though he had just been removed from the gutter and had little time to even wash his face.
"Now this should be quite lovely to see," Jane commented in a rather enjoyable tone. "Let's watch for a bit."
"If you say so," Daria responded. "It's your neck on the line if we don't find someone to take your place tomorrow."
"I should not lose the book, sir," the heavy man proclaimed. He then stood up with his coffee cup in hand. "And if any other man should, I would tear off his head with my bare hands and feed it to the cat!" He then crushed the coffee cup in relative ease.
"Well, that's nice and clear" Blackadder managed to utter after sitting down in a brief moment of terrified hesitation.
"And I, Lord Byron, would summon up fifty of my men, lay siege to the fellow's house and do bloody murder on him," one of the three other men announced. He unsheathed his sword and rested the blade upon Baldrick's shoulder. The other two men followed his lead by unsheathing their blades. One pointed his sword at Baldrick, the other pointed at Blackadder.
"And I would not rest until the criminal was hanging by his hair, with an Oriental disemboweling cutlass thrust up his ignoble behind," the one pointing his blade at Blackadder stated.
"I hope you're listening to all this, Baldrick," Blackadder commented.
"Aren't you going to consider swooping in there and rescuing your beloved?" Jane asked in a teasing voice.
"Keep that up and you'll be doing more than just tutoring the spoiled Princess tomorrow," Daria responded. "Did you know that she likes to have a sponge bath before meeting potential suitors and that she requires the assistance of a maid to help wash her?"
"You wouldn't dare," Jane seethed while glaring at the other maid.
"I would," Daria stated.
Jane sighed. "So... recognize any of those three helping out the big guy?"
"Vaguely," Daria answered. "They're regulars here at Miggins' whenever she turns the shoppe into a literary salon, or so she says. That's Lord Byron who had his sword on Baldrick's shoulder. The one pointing his sword at Baldrick directly is Percy Bysshe Shelley. And the one pointing his blade at Blackadder is Samuel Taylor Coleridge."[5]
"They seem rather cheerful," Jane noted.
"Spend ten minutes with them and see for yourself if they're cheerful," Daria said.
"I take it they'd make unlikely candidates to cover for me," Jane commented.
"That would be an understatement," Daria responded.
The two maids took a few steps back when they noticed that the door into the shoppe was about to open. Exiting was none other than Blackadder and Baldrick. Blackadder appeared quite shaken up and was on edge upon recognizing a pair of familiar faces after walking through the door and out into the street.
"Ah!" Blackadder nearly cried. He then relaxed a little upon seeing the maids. "Miss. Morgendorffer, Miss. Lane. How impetuous it is to see you fine ladies at this time?"
"'Alo laides," Baldrick said casually.
"Miss. Morgendorffer wishes to inquire about what just happened in there, Mr. Blackadder," Jane stated with a smirk on her face. This did not go unnoticed as Daria shot a glare in her direction.
"Does she now?" Blackadder asked with a raised brow. "Well, if you must know, we were here in a gallant attempt to panacea another one of Baldrick's staggering abilities of unimaginable stupidity. The results were, as you saw, not quite benignant."
"Seemed like a nice bunch of blokes to me," Baldrick commented in a seemingly cheerful mood.
"So I saw," Daria noted. "They must have been using their blades as a means of proclaiming their friendship to you."
"Oh, you see, Mr. B?" Baldrick stated, his mood even more cheerful than before. "There's nothin' ta worry about. They were just jokin' about killin' us for losin' his book."
"Then let me proclaim my friendship to you, Baldrick, by draining blood out of your body and then stringing you up with the rest of the Prince's dinner for tomorrow," Blackadder said sternly.
"Thank you very much, sir," Baldrick responded, oblivious to the fact that he was actually being threatened.
"But not before you spend five minutes with me and this pencil," Blackadder added. It was this sentence that finally managed to make the dogsbody realize what mood his master was in.
"You lost someone's book?" Daria questioned with a curious brow raised.
"Misplaced," Blackadder corrected. "That is the more applicable word. Baldrick here misplaced Dr. Johnson's book."
"That's Dr. Johnson?" Jane asked. She looked far from impressed, rather she seemed a little sickened that such a heavy-set man would be the famed literary genius.
"I wouldn't prescribe seeking his autograph at this time, if I were you," Blackadder noted. "He and his companions are quite too jovial at the moment to be bothered with veneration from the adoring public. Now if you will excuse us, there is much work to be done before tomorrow morning. Blood letting takes a great deal of time, you know. After which I will be leaving immediately for Nepal, where I intend to live out the rest of my life as a goat."
"Sounds like fun," Jane commented aloud as she watched Blackadder bow to the maids and then leave.
"Good evenin'," Baldrick announced, waving slightly before following his master.
"Well, that was lovely," Jane sighed.
"It also puts us in a predicament," Daria pointed out. "Every literary person in there is probably in the mood of eating plague carrying rats than consider doing something for a member of the royal family."
"I didn't know Blackadder had that effect on people," Jane noted.
"More like Baldrick, actually," Daria corrected. "The point is we're not going to find someone in this shoppe who would be willing to take your place tomorrow."
"There's got to be something, Daria," Jane said, almost in a pleading tone. "I'd join Baldrick in getting drained of blood and being part of the Prince's dinner for tomorrow before I get within one second of tutoring the brat."
Daria thought for a moment and then gave out a heavy sigh. "We may have one option left," she proclaimed. "You just have to about having a comfortable sleep tonight."
The carriage came to a stop before a brick cottage. Daria informed the driver to wait before leading Jane toward the building. Jane looked around with a curious brow raised at the location they find themselves in while Daria knocked gently on the door.
"So what are we doing in Chawton?" Jane asked.
"I'm calling in a favor just so I can get you out of tutoring the brat tomorrow," Daria replied.
"Who in Chawton owes you a favor?" Jane questioned further.
"Jane Austen," Daria answered.[6]
Jane widened her eyes is astonishment. "The Jane Austen?" she asked.
"The same," Daria replied, showing no hint of being awe-struck as the other maid.
Jane blinked a couple times and then raised her brow again. "Didn't Blackadder say that Jane Austen was just the female pseudonym used by a huge Yorkshire man with a beard like a rhododendron bush?" she questioned.
"Please," Daria began to answer. "Jane Austen is as real of a name as Daria Morgendorffer. She's also as much of a female as you and me. As brilliant as Blackadder is, even he can be tricked if his only meeting with her consisted of just seeing her beard."
Before any thing more could be said, the door opened and the maids found themselves in the presence of Jane Austen herself. She truly was a sensible looking woman. Even if she did have quite the beard on her face.
"Miss. Morgendorffer," the author proclaimed. Her voice putting to rest doubt of her gender. "What a pleasant surprise."
"Miss. Austen," Daria said with a curtsy. "This is my fellow employee, Miss. Lane."
"How do you do, ma'am?" Jane asked with a curtsy of her own.
"A pleasure to meet you, Miss. Lane," Jane Austen said affectionately with a nod of her head. "Won't you two come in? It's a little late for tea, I'm afraid."
"Actually, we're in a bit of a hurry," Daria stated. "Remember that favor you owe me?"
"Yes, I very much remember," Jane Austen answered after stroking her beard for a second. "I've been hoping for the chance to thank you for helping me getting Mansfield Park published."
"You helped her get Mansfield Park published?" Jane asked Daria in surprise.
"Don't ask," Daria responded. She then brought her attention back to the author. "Look, Miss. Austen, the favor is real simple. Miss. Lane here is in a predicament and would really appreciate if you would tutor Princess Augusta in the morning."
"Tutor Princess Augusta?" Jane Austen repeated, blinking her eyes a couple times. "Oh dear. You know I am perfectly content with remaining here are home." She continued to stroke her beard some more and brought her attention to Jane, sensing that the maid truly was troubled by her situation. "But I do owe you that favor. And Miss. Lane does look rather desperate. You like the kind who deserves the help. And I would not want to deny that for any one."
"Miss. Austen, you have no idea how much this means to me," Jane exhaled in relief.
"So we are to leave at this moment, correct?" Jane Austen asked.
"Ideally," Daria replied. "Though I suggest you do one thing before we leave."
"Miss. Austen, I cannot thank you enough for taking time to provide such a special lesson for my daughter," Queen Charlotte raved as she accompanied the author toward the carriage waiting outside the palace. They were followed by Daria and Jane. "I believe I can speak behalf on the rest of the royal family that you are a truly magnificent individual."
"You are too kind, your majesty," Jane Austen said. "It was my honor to help the Princess improve her intellectual standing."
"Now you'll have to excuse me," Charlotte stated rather suddenly. "I would very much like to see you off, but my husband appears to be having another of his spectacular episodes. If I recall correctly, he imagines himself a penguin. Miss. Morgendorffer and Miss. Lane will see you out. Good day, Miss. Austen." With a satisfied smile on her face, the Queen turned and made her way back into the palace.
"Good day, your grace," Jane Austen called out.
"Thank you again for helping me out," Jane proclaimed. "I hope the experience wasn't too terrible."
"On the contrary," Jane Austen announced. "I found the whole thing to be quite enjoyable. As a matter of fact, I believe it has brought about inspiration for my next novel."
"Really?" Daria asked in surprise.
"Yes," Jane Austen responded before stepping into the carriage. "Well, it was a pleasure seeing you again, Miss. Morgendorffer. It certainly was a pleasure meeting you, Miss. Lane. Please come by whenever you have the chance so I can be the proper hostess I intended to be last night."
"If we ever get a day off, we'll certainly take you up on that offer," Daria noted.
Jane Austen gave the driver a nod and the carriage began to move. "Farewell, ladies," she stated. "May we meet again." The author waved, which the two maids returned in kind, until she could no longer be seen as the carriage disappeared in the distance to return her to her Chawton home.
"You know the sad thing about all of this," Daria said. "Jane Austen managed to turn the brat into a well behaved lady, but in a week's time it will all be for naught."
"At least it gave her an idea for a story," Jane pointed out. "I can't wait to read what she writes." There was a moment of pause between the maids before they turned to head back into the palace. "So how did you help get Mansfield Park published?"
"I helped finance her," Daria answered.
"Where the hell did you get the money?" Jane questioned further.
"Do you really want to know?" Daria asked with a sigh.
"Of course I do," Jane replied with anticipation. "I want to know every sensual detail."
"You're not going to like it," Daria responded. She waited a quiet second before proceeding. "Remember that one art piece by George Stubbs that you swear was actually yours? The one of the lion attacking the horse."[7]
Jane nodded. And then realized what the other maid was talking about. They came to a full stop and she glared at Daria with fury in her eyes. "You... did... not..." she seethed.
For the
BENEFIT of SEVERAL VIEWERS
LORD AKIYAMA'S
Much admir'd Comedy
MORGENDORFFER
OR
INK AND INCAPABILITY
was performed with appropriate Scenery Dresses etc.
by
DARIA MORGENDORFFER,
maid to the Princess,
Miss. DARIA MORGENDORFFER.
Jane Lane, also maid to the Princess, Miss. JANE LANE.
Princess Augusta, her highness, Miss. QUINN MORGENDORFFER.
Queen Charlotte, her majesty, Mrs. HELEN MORGENDORFFER.
Jane Austen, author, Mrs. AMANDA LANE.
First Tutor, Mr. TIMOTHY O'NEILL.
Second Tutor, Mr. ANTHONY DeMARTINO.
Third Tutor, Miss. JANET BARCH.
Dr. Samuel Johnson, noted for his fat dictionary, Mr. ROBBIE COLTRANE.
Byron, first romantic junkie poet, Mr. STEVE STEEN.
Coleridge, second romantic junkie poet, Mr. JIM SWEENEY.
Shelley, other romantic junkie poet, Mr. LEE CORNES.
Baldrick, a dogsbody, Mr. TONY ROBINSON.
Edmund Blackadder, butler to the Prince, Mr. ROWAN ATKINSON.
Footnotes to History
[1] - Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) was responsible for writing A Dictionary of the English Language, which was published in 1755. Prince George IV would not have been born until seven years after the first publication of the book and Dr. Johnson would die 25 years before the English Regency. In Blackadder the Third, Dr. Johnson is seeking patronage for the book from the Prince Regent.
[2] - Augusta and her sisters Charlotte and Elizabeth were known to wear their morning gowns all day until it was dinner time whenever they remained at home, which was very often for the younger of the three siblings Augusta and Elizabeth. They continued with this practice even when they were adults. They still were able to spend a great deal of money over time on plain, yet expensive dresses, hats, trimmings, fans, and other fashion accessories at the expense of their mother.
[3] - This dialogue scene was inspired, almost word for word, from the original "Ink and Incapability" episode of Blackadder the Third in which Blackadder congratulated Dr. Johnson on writing a book that contained every word in the English language.
[4] - The girl described is known generally as The Popular Girl in "The Invitation" episode of Daria, though most fans have since given her the name of Tori Jericho.
[5] - George Gordon Byron, 6th Baron Byron (1788-1824), Percy Bysshe Shelley (1792-1822), and Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834) were some of the most well known romantic poets in English literature. Neither one was alive when the Dictionary was published in 1755 and Coleridge was not even in his teens when Dr. Johnson died in 1784. In Blackadder the Third, they are admirers of Dr. Johnson and are further described as "romantic junkie poets."
[6] - Jane Austen (1775-1817) was arguably one of the most beloved and widely regarded female author in history. Her sense of realism as well as biting social commentary cemented her among the most important in literature. In Blackadder the Third, the titles for each episode of the series was also a play on how the title of her book Sense and Sensibility was worded, pairing a noun with another, which was derived from an alliterative cognate adjective. Blackadder claimed her, along with Ann Radcliffe and Dorothy Wordsworth, to be men using female pseudonyms because it was the popular thing to do. This was a play on how it was the other way around, where women generally published their work under male pseudonyms.
[7] - Horse Attacked by a Lion was pained by George Stubbs sometime within 1762-1765. Given the timeline period of Blackadder the Third, it would fit rather appropriately.
To conclude with Rule Britannia in full chorus
NO MONEY RETURN'D