.

／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼

II. The Hanged Girl and the Fool

After the fight, the plaza was nearly empty and lit only by the nighttime park lights and the light sculptures that sent laser-tight beams dancing in imitation of water spouts. Homura's footsteps echoed louder than they ought as she walked away from the only other living person present. Her hair, no longer in braids, fanned out behind her. She couldn't help but reflect a little. After going through the same steps with the same people over and over, it was impossible not notice the trends—almost laws, really—that ruled this little band of girls she had spent so many years with.

For example, Tomoe Mami and Sakura Kyouko meeting early in the loop after their long estrangement could be a godsend or a catastrophe, and was always volatile. If they managed to reunite on friendly terms, everybody was almost guaranteed to be alive and together when Walpurgisnacht arrived. On the other hand, seeing Mami training a new generation of bright-eyed idiots enraged Kyouko, making reconciliation nearly impossible. And Kyouko, if angry enough, knew exactly what to say to destroy Mami's spirit. Only friends once knit together at the heart could manage that sort of deathblow. And then, the inevitable result...

As she walked, Homura's fingers curled around a grief seed with the symbol of a five-petaled flower.

"Hey, transfer student! Get back here, damn it! What the hell just happened? Where are Mami and the red-haired lunatic?"

And take, as another example, Sakura Kyouko and Miki Sayaka. Though her foundation was fragile, Sayaka's skin was thick, and unlike Mami, Sayaka responded to abuse and vitriol by gritting her teeth and rushing in at full strength—exactly the right way to earn the first measure of Kyouko's respect. Allow the two of them to snarl at each other like alley dogs for awhile, and they became closer and stronger. So long as they both survived, at least, rather than dragging each other down and dying stupidly.

This was also a path, however rare, for Kyouko and Mami to reconcile. When Kyouko arrived early and Sayaka managed to be enough of a nuisance that Kyouko focused her ire on the new acquaintance rather than the old friend... But of course, that required Sayaka to contract early and show some damn initiative—

—a hand clamped around Homura's shoulder and yanked her around.

And, as a final example, Miki Sayaka and Akemi Homura.

Sayaka was somewhat past scowling and on her way to furious; Homura twisted her arm around Sayaka's and bent, breaking the other girl's hold and throwing her to the ground. Fending her off was simple, and would have been even without the vast difference in their combat experience. After all, right now Sayaka was just of an ordinary mortal.

Sayaka stumbled back to her feet, too kicked up on adrenaline to react to the pain. Her face was twisted with hate, and Homura could see the other girl barely holding herself back from lashing out, probably aware she stood no chance against Homura. "Didn't you fucking hear me, transfer student? I said, where the hell did they go? And where did that witch come from all of a sudden?"

Unlike Mami and Kyouko or Kyouko and Sayaka, the line of events that made Sayaka and Homura into friends was simple and required no desperate roll of the dice that spiraled into violence more often than not. All she had to do was put her hair up in braids and keep her mouth shut about the truth of Kyubey, Soul Gems, and witches. And, of course, simper. All she had to do was look small and lost and scared but determined, and Sayaka would be her devoted ally.

Homura couldn't remember how to make that face anymore.

A growl hung in Sayaka's throat as Homura stared at her, contemplating. Just as Sayaka opened her mouth to start swearing again, Homura cut her off and answered. "Puella magi who die fighting a witch disappear unless someone undertakes the meaningless task of retrieving their bodies before the labyrinth vanishes. Sakura Kyouko fell fighting the witch." Kyouko had gotten sloppy, refusing to kill or retreat. The familiars of Mami's witch always resembled her friends; Kyouko realized the truth when she saw the one garbed in red and wielding a spear.

I wonder, would my familiars look like these girls with whom I share this purgatory? Homura, the witch of an endless nature. She has become a four-spoked wheel that rotates without moving. Her four familiars are bound to the rim of the wheel, forever spinning about her without drawing closer.

Homura shoved the thought away with all the violence of self-preservation. "As for Tomoe Mami, Sakura Kyouko's words cut at her heart and, despairing, she transformed into the witch that slew 'the red haired lunatic'."

"What?" Sayaka's face went through shock, then horror, then fury. "That can't be... no, you're lying! What happened to Mami? Tell me, transfer student, or I'll beat the hell out of you, I don't even care if you're stronger than me!"

"Turning into a witch is the final destiny of puella magi." Homura pushed on, hard dispassionate eyes boring into Sayaka's. "Use too much magic without a grief seed or surrender to despair, and the curse in the hearts of puella magi devours the hope of their wish and turns them into the very monsters they fi—" Homura sidestepped Sayaka's wild punch. A shove into her unguarded side sent Sayaka off balance and crashing to the ground. Sayaka tried to surge to her feet again, but Homura stomped on her upper arm and shoulder, pinning her down.

Sayaka kept struggling. Her free hand beat at Homura's knees as she shouted. "Liar! Bitch! You killed Mami, didn't you! You're working with that other girl! You just want her territory! She's dead because of you!"

Homura kept her foot in place and endured the flailing tirade. It wasn't long before Sayaka's invective gave way to incoherent wailing. After another moment, she went limp and did nothing but sob. Only then did Homura lift her foot and take several steps back. "Believe me or not as you will, Miki Sayaka. I will still protect this city from witches. You and Madoka should forget about Kyubey and go back to your ordinary lives."

"I'll stop you." She couldn't stop sobbing, but Sayaka forced the words through her tears anyway. "I'll make a... a wish and I'll... I'll protect this city from witches and from you! Watch me!"

"I see. Then I've failed you this time too. Do as you will, but bring no harm to Madoka, and be prepared to die if you try to kill me." Homura cranked her shield and walked away into the colorless and still world. Kyubey would likely come by to make Sayaka's contract as soon as Homura and her guns were out of range; better to use her time stop to avoid being tracked for now. Otherwise Sayaka would force the issue, and Homura would need to put her down immediately.

Throughout the fight and as she walked away, Homura's face was composed and hard, the face that Sayaka always hated. This was the only honest face Homura had now. She still remembered how to do polite, distantly friendly, and a few others she could use to keep the world at bay. But the faces that Sayaka loved to see—earnest, wounded, determined, whimpering—

Braids, trigger discipline, no sanity-shattering secrets. Long ago when they'd been friends, it took Homura a few loops to realize that Sayaka thought she was adorable, cute like a helpless little puppy that fumbled about and needed to be taken care of. She got used to having Sayaka around, got used to milkshakes and sleepovers and classical music. When the endless battle was just too much to carry on her own, she got used to allowing herself to break down and cry wrapped up in Sayaka's hugs. She wasn't as deft and gentle as Mami, but like Mami she'd pull you in out of the rain and get you something warm to drink. She wasn't as shrewd as Kyouko, but like Kyouko she'd pick a fight with anyone that hurt her friends.

Homura no longer felt the things she needed to make the face that Sayaka wanted to see. It would be convenient if she could fake it—just put her hair in braids and attach a fragile smile to her face and let a few tears well up in her eyes. She tried one loop; the act was obvious to everyone.

And yet, it was for the best that Homura couldn't fake it. After all...

／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼

…it always ends up here.

The wreck of a warrior knelt bonelessly in front of Homura, the trembling of her slumped shoulders visible through her cape. Blue hair fell over her lowered face, hiding her eyes.

Homura looked at the seed she'd already thrown to Sayaka, which the other girl had only tossed away. She grabbed handfuls of her skirt to keep her hands from clenching into fists. "Do you still not believe what I said about the birth of witches, Miki Sayaka?"

"...I believe you."

"Then why?" Her voice was getting heated; Sayaka's endless obstinacy wore at her composure better than almost anything else. "Even knowing that, you still won't clean your gem? Do you hate me that much, or are you simply an imbecile?"

"I do. I hate you, Akemi."

"So much that you'll let yourself turn into a witch rather than accept my help? Is your spite really that poisonous?"

"I hate you, Akemi. I hate you, and I hate Kyubey for tricking us. Mami died, and the red-haired girl killed her, and I hate both of them for it. Hitomi took Kyousuke, and Kyousuke never loved me to begin with. I hate them. Madoka..."

"Don't say a word against Madoka, Miki." A hard menace crept into Homura's voice. "She's better than you."

Sayaka laughed, mouth peeling back into a sick smile. "I know that. She's too good to become a monster like you and me. I called her a fucking coward, but I know she's still better than me. That's my only regret. I shouldn't have hurt Madoka." Her head lifted and her gaze drifted up to Homura's, a dark hopelessness meeting hardened ice. "This world isn't worth saving, Akemi. It's only full of things to hate."

There was no point in opening her heart to a girl who broke so easily. They all broke sooner or later, over and over; Sayaka was just the most brittle, even weaker than Mami. She was dangerous to Homura. Worse, to Madoka.

What would Sayaka say about that? Not the wreck of a girl that knelt before her; her friend from long ago, the one who believed in slaying monsters by night and walking happy and righteous in the noonday sun. What would she say?

"Give up on the world then, Miki." Homura pulled a second fresh grief seed from her shield; it clinked across the ground and came to a stop at Sayaka's feet, balancing delicately on its needlepoint. "Forget it entirely and save your own life instead."

"Why? Why should I bother when all that's left is to live as a useless monster? Why not become a witch and curse the world?"

Slowly, deliberately, Homura drew a desert eagle from her shield. Sayaka traced the motion with her eyes, but gave no other reaction. The apathy was disgusting, but also about what Homura expected. "I won't let Madoka go through the pain of seeing you tear yourself apart, Miki Sayaka. Take the seed."

Sayaka brushed it away, sparing only enough force to knock it barely out of arms' length.

What indeed would her Sayaka say?

You can't keep doing this to yourself, Homura. You need us. You can't put everything on your shoulders alone.

It's the only thing I can do.

Don't you remember what it was like to sit around Mami's table with all of us laughing and scarfing down a whole cake? Don't you remember crying on a friend's shoulder when it hurt too much? Don't you wish could have that again?

But it never helps, Sayaka!

You're hurting yourself by pushing us away.

Because I don't have to mourn for enemies. I'm tired of burying friends.

Sayaka covered her soul gem with a limp hand as if to protect it when Homura knelt in front of her, but didn't resist as Homura grabbed her hand and pried it open, gem tucked inside. Homura even thought she felt Sayaka lifting her arm herself, as if to help give a clear shot.

Homura pressed the muzzle to the black gem and hardened her heart.

It always ends this way.

／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼

Until.

A wish mightier than any other, a wish born from the heart of a girl who would not let hope be swallowed by despair. The heavens were empty and blind no longer; a goddess looked upon her sisters' struggles and eternally reached out to grasp their hands.

／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼

Homura strode onto the school rooftop, blinking against the sudden light. The weather had been clear and warm lately; the sky above was bright azure with only a scattering of wispy clouds. A bento lunch wrapped in a purple bag printed with white lilies dangled from her hand. Waiting at the edge of the roof, Sayaka leaned with one hand twined into the ornate fence and feet shuffling nervously. She started at the sound of Homura walking across the stone tile, and greeted the newcomer with a tentative smile and the wave of an unadorned hand.

"Hey, Homu-ah, Akemi. You came!"

"Homura is fine, if you prefer it. You asked me to come. You have something to talk about?"

"Right, right. Oh!" Sayaka hoisted her own blue-wrapped lunch. "Maybe we could eat first?"

Homura nodded. "If you like."

They sat a few feet apart on a bench, eating in silence. Sayaka kept fidgeting nervously and staring out over the city, but Homura decided to let the other girl gather her thoughts and begin on her own time. A soft, cool breeze swept over the rooftop as they ate, bringing with it the distant, muted bustle of traffic in the city and the tangy salt from the bay. Homura knew, somewhere in the back of her head, that Madoka's wish didn't have anything to do with city sounds or the taste of the air, but she kept finding herself wondering at the little details of this new world anyway. Before, there'd always been plans to make, ordnance to steal, witches to hunt. No time to even think about the scenery. Time enough for that after, though she couldn't picture herself sitting in a park with a picnic basket. Madoka probably would have dragged her along somehow.

But even if she wasn't here, this was the world Madoka had made. Protecting it in her name would be enough. It would have to be enough.

Halfway through her lunch, Sayaka finally put her chopsticks aside and sat up a little straighter. "Hey, Homura."

"Yes?"

"I still don't even know where to start. It doesn't seem real, you know?" She pointed at Homura's ring, not quite looking straight at it. "I mean, just last week I was wandering around feeling sorry for myself, thinking the worst thing I had to worry about was whether Kyousuke's physical therapy had him in a bad mood or not. Then these giant toga monsters jump me out of nowhere. I mean, come on, there's got to be a limit to reality going crazy, right? Eh, what'd you call the toga monsters again?"

"Wraiths, monsters born of the negative emotions of the human heart."

"Yeah, those. If you and Mami and the red-haired lunatic hadn't shown up and kicked ass when you did, I'd be dead. I'd be dead, and my mom wouldn't even have any idea why or how. There wouldn't even be a body for her to bury. So, you know…" Sayaka shot her a restless smile. "Thanks again."

"Unnecessary, though you are welcome. We chose this life for our own reasons and had no expectation of gratitude or rewards."

Sayaka's head shot up at that to look at Homura. "That's wrong, though. Even if it's the way it is, it isn't the way it should be. You're saving lives all the time fighting monsters only you can fight, and no one else even knows you're doing it."

Homura just shrugged. "It's acceptable. We each had our own reasons for becoming puella magi, as I said."

"Yeah, well… look, I've been thinking about it, okay? About… you know. Making the contract."

She'd expected this as soon as Sayaka asked to meet her at lunch, of course. Even though Madoka had changed what it meant to be puella magi, Sayaka was still Sayaka. But this time there were no witches, Kyubey had no incentive to destroy their lives, there was no Walpurgisnacht waiting at the end of the road, no Gretchen looming beyond that. Now there were worse things than getting a wish and becoming puella magi. She knew; she'd lived through those worse things. Maybe…

No. That was foolish. It was still a life of endless battle. Was she actually looking forward to having Sayaka join their ranks? To have a little more company in hell? It probably wouldn't be disagreeable; Sayaka had no ire for her in this new world. Homura wasn't an interloper threatening her friends and clashing against her golden hero Mami this time, after all. Even so, that wasn't a reason to actually look forward to Sayaka condemning herself.

But still—Mami to one side of her with muskets booming out a beat to Homura's faster machine gun melody, Kyouko and Sayaka in front of them carving a path with spear and sword. What could be more familiar and reassuring than that in this world where she suddenly didn't have a plan or a purpose other than to keep going because it's what she would have wanted?

If only the fifth person in that image wasn't missing!

Homura took a deep breath with her eyes closed, trying to calm herself before she replied. "Most girls would say they were thinking about making a wish instead of making the contract. After all, the wish is our sole compensation."

"Well maybe they're doing it wrong, then! Or… damn, I don't know."

"I'm sure Kyouko will object to you throwing away a comfortable life due to something as nebulous as a sense of indignation at the way the world works."

"What, the red-haired jackass? Well she can go stuff it! Wait, I won't have to work with her too, will I?"

Homura really couldn't help from laughing gently at the horror writ on Sayaka's face. "I expect she'll grow on you. In fact, I have a very good feeling she will."

"…you're making fun of me, aren't you?"

"Not at all, Miki Sayaka. I simply believe that you were made to become friends with loudmouthed abrasive hooligans."

Sayaka's face scrunched up. "I'm learning all sorts of stuff about you, transfer student. I thought you were just this weird gloomy goth kid when you first showed up, and then I found out you're a magical warrior fighting for love and justice by night. Even weirder, now I find out you've got a sense of humor! Who'da thunk it?" She snorted in amusement herself, before growing solemn again. "Hey, Homura. Is it okay if I ask what you wished for?"

Unthinkable, to toss out secrets like that so easily just because Sayaka was curious. Secrets killed, and honesty betrayed. Except there were no deadly secrets anymore, and Madoka would have liked to see Homura and Sayaka getting along. "I wished… to protect someone dear to me. I failed in the end, and she protected me instead. Now all I can do is honor her sacrifice."

"Is that why you're so sad all the time? Oh! I mean, eh, shit, that was kind of a horrible thing to say, wasn't it? Sorry!"

Homura rolled the idea around in her head for a bit, seeing if it stuck. Was she sad all the time, as Sayaka put it? Possibly. But perhaps hope for the world and a tinge of melancholy weren't entirely at odds. "Maybe it was impolite, but I suppose it's true enough. I think you're asking because you're considering your own wish, though?"

"Yeah. Sorry if it came out so…" Sayaka waved her hand vaguely. "…thatish. That's actually why I wanted to talk to you instead of Mami about this. Apart from, you know, you're in my class. You're here, you're still going, you're fighting alongside Mami, even though you look like it cost you something big. I guess I wanted to know what keeps you going."

"Mami has her own sorrows as well. We all do. But, if you can learn from my experiences, so much the better. In this case, you should learn that wishes rarely turn out as we expect." Homura sighed, then took a deep breath, set her lunch aside, and turned to face Sayaka directly.

"No, I should take your example on this and stop being so indirect. Sayaka. You seem to me like a girl with too many preconceptions, and if you choose to make a wish, you should carefully think about your own heart before you do so. I said that the wish was the only reward we can expect, and I meant it. We are not glorious heroes; people do not love us in return for our service. If you intend to contract to help people, you should be sure you are doing so because you want to help them, and not because you want praise or rewards for helping them. You should settle unfinished matters before you make a decision like this rather than pinning your hopes on becoming a hero."

"You don't pull punches, do you?" Sayaka laughed, but it was strained, and she looked away from Homura and kicked her legs like this was just an idle chat. "Hey, did I tell you my friend Kyousuke used to play violin before his accident? He was amazing, a real life prodigy. Met him way back at the start of elementary school, barely noticed him because he was so quiet and didn't like to go on the playground during breaks. Then we had the school talent show and he gets up on stage with this violin and tells everyone he's going to play his favorite song, 'Ave Maria'." The tension drained from her as she spoke, and she leaned back with her elbows on the bench and looked up to the sky. "That was the first time I'd seen anyone play a violin in person. I had no idea it was rare for first graders to play like that. I didn't know he belonged in concert halls instead of a scuffed-up elementary school auditorium. All I knew was I wanted to hear it over and over. So I'm thinking I could use my wish to fix his hand."

"You'd commit yourself to a life of endless battle for the sake of his music?" Homura knew Sayaka wasn't the sharpest, but this… "You really haven't been listening to me, have you?"

"I have! Really!" Sayaka leaned toward Homura and fixed her with a glare. "I'm not going to contract just to fix Kyousuke's hand. That's just because there's nothing I need to wish for myself, and I really hate that he can't play. It's just… what you said about expecting to be treated like a hero for becoming puella magi? About expecting everything to work out and being loved and honored? It's stupid. It's stupid and it's a horrible reason to do this, and anyone who does the right thing because they want rewards deserves the shit they're going to get, and when you said that isn't how it works I totally caught myself thinking 'but it should, in a perfect world that's how it should work'. I can see myself expecting everything to be a fairytale where it all works out and the heroes are showered with glory on their victorious return. I can see myself getting pissed if it doesn't turn out like that." Sayaka shook her head and shrugged. "Pretty pathetic of me, isn't it?"

"Human of you, perhaps. It's commendable that you realized it before it got you in trouble. Will you not make the contract, then?"

"It's a bad habit to watch out for, Homura, not a reason to be a coward. There are monsters out there and you three risk your lives every night to fight them. I couldn't live with myself if I just looked aside and walked away from that. So, here's what I'm going to do. Today, when I go visit Kyousuke after school, I'm going to tell him I'm in love with him. If he loves me back, then hey, I get a boyfriend I can mess around with when I'm not off killing wraiths! If he doesn't, then…" She shrugged. "Then I'll know he doesn't. Whether he returns my feelings or not, after I confess to him I'll wish to fix his hand. This way, the only thing I can expect from my wish is hearing him play again, because the other thing I'm hoping for will be settled one way or the other."

In Madoka's new world, Sayaka is still Sayaka… maybe. "You're not going to be talked out of this, are you?" Had Sayaka ever been this clearheaded?

"Nope!" Sayaka grinned and flashed a victory symbol. "I'm stubborn and tireless, and don't you forget it! Really though, whatever happens, I think I'll be satisfied even if all I can do is take some of that weight off your shoulders. I'll be your new trainee starting tonight, so let's be kickass together!"

Homura smiled minutely back at Sayaka and nodded. "Indeed."

Was it okay for her to look forward, just a little bit, to this? If there was a way to talk Sayaka out of contracting, she had no idea what it was. Was it alright for Homura to have comrades?

They finished their lunches with light conversation of little importance—their teacher's very public love life, the CD Sayaka was bringing Kyousuke today, what Sayaka's magical uniform would look like. It was mostly just Sayaka bouncing endlessly from topic to topic, with Homura dropping in a few occasional words. That was probably alright. She doubted she should look forward to Sayaka making a contract, but having a friend was probably alright.

That evening, Sayaka came to Homura's apartment after talking to Kyousuke, in exactly as terrible a state as she expected. Homura wasn't used to this anymore and wasn't sure where to put her arms, but she hugged Sayaka and rubbed her back as the heartbroken girl cried. After that, Sayaka made her wish, and Homura stood witness.

Less than two months later, Sayaka spent herself to kill a gathering of wraiths, and the Law of Cycles took her. Even in Madoka's new world, this was where it ended.

／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼