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YOU FIND ME

MARCH

Have I ever mentioned my thinking that something in my life would change?

Well, weeks have passed and nothing had happened so far.

My life was as thrilling as sitting in front of a dying glacier and watching it melt.

Even concentrating on my studies didn't give me full satisfaction, as I was dead tired of stuffing my head full of useless knowledge that no one would ever need in real life.

Real life was vibrant, evolving and changing every second and all that nevertheless admirable and worthy knowledge was for nothing. But dear Lord, how many times had I already engaged myself in heated debates about the usefulness of studying that hard!

I had at least tried to change my life a bit.

Father urged me to do some physical exercises, as I gradually developed to be a couch potato and bookworm, but I had nothing against that, as long as everybody left me alone with the way I lived. I wasn't quite the sportive person but I had always been lithe and lissom, as my father had a big influence on me and passed his recent passion for diets on me. After all, I was quite content with the way I looked, but physical exercises, please!

At least it wasn't like running a marathon or something, but Mycroft insisted that I at least learned how to handle a gun and got well versed in self-defence. He thought that the evil lay in ambush around every corner, ready to fetch me away from him and drag me to hell. Well, he was right with his fears, as in his position, he could easily be a victim of having to ransom his daughter or being blackmailed.

But he was used to it. It had become part of his life as it was to get up every morning and brush his teeth.

At least, if every single of his precautions should fail, his faithful servant Anthea would always stick to my every step like a limpet. But I was happy that Anthea herself was as much as content that I made my way mostly alone. I knew that the least thing she wanted to do was babysit an already twenty-one year old student. We both knew that I was neither an average student, nor an exceptionally talented mastermind like my kinsmen, but I was smart.

Smart enough to decipher that my dad thought he could fool me. All he wanted was keeping me away from his business as long as he could, but he wanted to equip me with every skill, wide knowledge and shrewd kind of cleverness that I needed to make my way and defend myself if it was needed. And as far as I remembered, I've never disappointed him in achieving every single ability he considered being necessary.

The bad thing about all that was, that he did not even ask me whether I wanted that or not. He did not care about my dreams, my plans, my real skills and interests. As sad as it was, I hadn't ever had any time in my whole life to find out what my real heart's desire had been.

Would I be a great artist? Perhaps. A great singer? Never really tried. A sportswoman keeping a world record? Only seems to be a stupid imagination.

Well, at least I knew that I was no mastermind.

Life was a mess.

Life had to change.

"Hey! Are you day-dreaming?"

Sally snapped her fingers in front of my eyes and brought me back to earth. I grumbled and rubbed the back of my head. This time she beat me.

Sadly, I would now no longer be able to complain about her inattention and slumberousness that she used to display whenever I was with her. And yes, I did still help her with her studies. Like the inveterate yes-person that I couldn't stop to be.

"Sorry, Sally, I somehow blanked out a while ago. What did you say?"

We sat at the campus and waited for our next lecture to start. It was one of the last courses for this year that was starting now and I was happy, that in the next months, I would be able finish this year of studies quite easily. I've never had problems with studying, grades or anything. Although I sometimes hit top marks, I believed myself to be just a student below average, as for my lack of social skills and experience of life, with which I meant even that 'wisdom' that some could have at my age.

Perhaps I should really get closer to Sally and let myself even experience a relationship that started to be something like a friendship.

I started to smirk. No changes without taking the first step.

"It was not very important anyway.", Sally said, visibly annoyed and grabbed the sample essay that I wrote for her and stuffed it into her bag, "I just thought you might want to visit a nice party next weekend. Pietro is celebrating, as he was hired to do some work for the Hickman Gallery next autumn."

I looked at her, startled for the first time since I had ever spoken to her. How long has it been that someone invited me for a party! Thought of the devil, as if the good fairy was suddenly eager to satisfy my every wish! I really had to seize that opportunity with both hands!

"But isn't he still just a student?"

Sally's expression got a little more sour, but she quickly shook her head.

"There's not only you who can already have a lot of success during her studying time, Sharon."

"I'm not having that assistant position yet, Sally! But sorry, wasn't quite thinking that through. I'm still a little absent with my thoughts."

"So, you're coming?"

"Yeah, sure.", I said simply and smiled just a little, to hide how much I was delighted to receive that invitation. Sally frowned as she looked at me and put some loose strands of her blond hair behind her ear, while she snorted shortly and made her way to the lecture hall.

"You really should stop studying that hard and go out sometimes. If you breathe some fresh air, you'll be happier and perhaps a little more sociable."

I rolled my eyes and quickly followed her to where other students were already roaming and somehow reluctantly and on the other hand eagerly entering the holy halls of science and scholarship.

As we came closer to the entrance, a man suddenly strode in front of us and held the door open, to let Sally and me enter the room. And if I say a man, I mean a man, not an average student. And he was someone I've never seen before. Perhaps one of that innumerable assistants of my law's professor, who tended to change them daily like his pants, which he did change daily, hopefully.

"Ladies first.", he said with a very smooth voice and gave us both a charming smile.

Sally answered him with one of her most beautiful and radiant smiles with which she surely managed to even enchant the most stiff and old-fashioned professors who still thought that there was no place for women inside any kinds of University at all.

As much as she tried to enchant anyone she encountered, I distanced myself from them. In the usual way, I would just give him a quick nod and scurry away to my seat, instantly burying myself into my books. I did lead some conversations with others, surely, but sometimes was just desperately trying to keep a conversations alive, when I ran dry of anything which I could say.

That day had to be different, I even felt it deep inside my bones that something had to change. So I forced myself to keep my head up high and look him straight into the eye while I just managed to simper.

He was stunningly handsome. Handsome in no way of all those models with their faked dark and mischievous bedroom eyes, but handsome in a way that captured my attention as a whole.

Because most important were the eyes that weren't faking anything at all. Those eyes were the darkest eyes that I've ever seen, as if one intriguing glance of him could make you delve into it and entirely get lost in that fathomless darkness. His smile grew even wider and his eyes enlightened a little to a light brown and displayed content pleasure. I looked away, bit my lips to somehow keeping myself from blushing and hurried to catch up with Sally, who already had taken a seat.

I grumbled. Sally always took a seat at the back. I used to sit in the first or second row, although I always had the feeling that everyone behind me kept staring in to particularly my back.

I gladly let myself sink into the chair and let my bag fall down to my feet. Suddenly, I just wanted to get over with this day. Changes didn't have to happen that fast did they? I anyway had still to be concerned of how I should make it clear to my dad that I wanted to go to a party next week. He must be thinking that the whole world had changed, if I encountered him with that news. Perhaps he would rather send me to a psychologist rather than to that party.

"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

I looked to the seat at my left as that man from before stood in front of us and bestowed us with another of that intriguing smiles of his.

"No."

"Yes!"

Both Sally and I looked at each other and she looked at me as if she wanted to stab me in an instant. She immediately stretched her arm out to make him finally sit down.

I immediately shifted my weight into Sally's direction as best as I could and it almost looked that I just barely sat on the edge of my seat. Somehow that man seemed to not belong here. Something about his smile and gaze made me feel uncomfortable. Or was it just perhaps I'd decided to really begin to notice people around me? Because if I did, I would not be able to deny that his smile was indeed very much intriguing.

I saw from the corner of my eyes that his smile didn't wear off, even as I constantly started to stare at a chewing gum that stuck to the seat in front of me instead of paying him attention.

"Hello."

His voice was soft. He offered me his hand to shake it, but Sally leaned forward and reached out earlier, grabbed it to shake it long and well, as if she was already testing out his whole body and mind by the contact of their skin and fingers. I swear I wasn't imagining that, I could tell by her eyelashes' fluttering and her slightly tensing of her tiny body that she found him interesting too.

I changed my position and leaned back to escape any body contact at all. Today, everything was definitely too much for me.

"My name's Jim. Nice to meet you."

"I am Sally and this is Sharon."

Jim nodded with another smile. I asked myself if he could plaster another expression onto his face, just for me? I would even be pleased with an angry one, because something would perhaps have caused that displayed anger and him turning away from me and not noticing me for the remaining lesson.

I was still quite startled. I know, it was no strange encounter, even in almost daily lectures I always got to know new people and I even used to talk to them nonchalantly, but this guy looked creepy.

He was not old, it would be bold to say that, but he seemed to be old for a student. He had to be around his mid-thirties or something! So what the heck did he do here in the auditorium? Studying like us? Quite late to start, but what would be even worse would be if he was here since he was finished with school. I do not really want to prejudge people, but do people not think that it would be better for anyone to study in a determined way and not about fifteen years? What would be the advantage of such studies? Perhaps he was just a freeloader who never really cared to study or to work and clung to his parent's fortune.

"I didn't think that so many people actually attend this boring course.", he mumbled and let his gaze wander through the lecture hall.

I dared to watch him a little closer, as he was not returning my curious and gaze at that moment. He was dressed casually, but all his clothes were top brands, even seemed to be hardly worn. He acted a bit like a shy teenager, but I felt that his behaviour was well considered and even the pieces of his casual clothing style were properly selected. His hair was just dark mess and reminded me a bit of a tousle-head which invited any girl to let her fingers run through it.

"Why are you here then?", I asked and immediately regretted it, as my voice displayed a little too much of my discomfort and any annoyance and Sally elbowed me into my ribs.

Jim's head immediately turned back to me and I saw that his grin had slightly frozen. His eyes glistened and no matter how hard I tried, I was not able to read any reaction in his looks that he gave me. He changed from the charming man into an unreadable stranger.

"I had to see where the most intelligent of all Britons actually learn their trade. But here are just ordinary people too. Disappointing.", he said slowly, breathed deep and seemed to be as annoyed as I had been.

Sally laughed shyly at his comment, but my curiosity was piqued and I definitely reckoned his Irish accent. What was he here for, then?

"How would you explain ordinary?", Sally asked, while Jim sighed heavily and clicked his tongue as he beheld the entering professor, who definitely was a member of the elder generation.

"Well, those are people who are simply - ", he began and suddenly he made a disgusted grimace and then looked at me sharply, with an amused glint in his eyes, " - not me."

I raised an eyebrow at his comment and could not refrain from smirking.

"So you are not of the common kind, are you?", I asked with little huffs accompanying my little question, as I really had to hold back my laughter.

"Some people would say that. But that's how you define standards, Sharon. Why shouldn't the standard be higher than ordinary? Why shouldn't it be exceptionally ordinary at least?"

"Wouldn't in it still be ordinary, even more ordinary than before?", I asked and was slowly even more curious about what that guy really wanted to talk about, but at the other hand repelled by what nonsense he was babbling.

Nevertheless, it now seemed to be his turn to raise his eyebrows.

"You still don't get it, right?", he whispered now, as the Professor started to give his lecture about the history of space law. Jim leaned in closer to me and I stiffened as I felt his breath brush my earlobes.

A nervous "What?" escaped my lips before I could stop it and I knew that stranger beneath me would delight in my nervousness that he suddenly caused inside me and which I was not able to hide.

"Don't you see that everyone is even more exceptionally ordinary than anyone else who is trying to not be ordinary? Ordinary get's a complete different definition from that point of view."

"Is it that what you want to express? You think that by trying to not be ordinary, by following trends to being exceptional, you even become more ordinary than before. Those people who do that are always ordinary, while other people who stay as they are, do not change themselves, are even more outstanding?"

Jim let himself fall back and folded his hands. His smile had returned and he nodded slightly.

"What would you tell me if I asked you how that would be reflected?", he asked me, lifted his folded hands and covered his lips with his fingertips.

"Exceptional people hide, do not make any fuss, work in the background and are waiting. In appearing even more normal than everyone they are waiting for their special day to come when they can trump anyone who is thought to be special.", I guessed and even felt the insides of my hands getting sweaty as I felt a chill running down my spine. I liked to be that captured within a conversation so very similar to a riddle.

"Very good again! But the sad thing is, that you do not observe, obviously. Because if you did, you would have already known the answer to the first question that you asked me."

Jim's voice was challenging as if he wanted to tease me. But to be completely honest, I was just bewildered. All what we said was complete nonsense, but somehow I knew that it wasn't for the conversation alone that I was so very much discombobulated.

I could not make any heads or tails of the whole thing.

"Don't you tell me that you are only here to appear ordinary while hiding your true self. That's just ridiculous.", I said, suddenly so very much unsettled.

"That's yours to observe and decide. To tell the truth, I am here to see behind the curtains of that University. I consider to begin here next autumn."

"This autumn?"

"Yes, perhaps we'll see each other again when I'll finally enter this building officially."

"It can even be sooner than that, you know.", Sally suddenly interfered and grabbed my arm in excitement. "My best friend's giving a party next week. It's just a student's party, nothing special, but you can make new acquaintances there. We both go there too. You want to come?"

"Sally-!", I protested, but I immediately fell silent. After all, it wasn't my decision whom she invited and I didn't want to appear impolite again. Both Sally and I were peering at Jim, who was returning our intense gaze with wide eyes.

"Yeah sure, would love to,", he stuttered and his broad smile returned to his lips, "you're right, it would be a perfect opportunity to make new friendships. And even deepen slightly older ones."

To be honest, that strange look that he gave me then, was not charming at all.

It gave me shivers.

It seemed that Jim had exactly attained what he had wanted.

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