Dust swirled up from the gravel, whisking Amanda's hair up around her face, as the SVU squad car pulled up to the side of the road. It was so close that Amanda could feel the heat radiating off of the vehicle.
She was distinctly aware of the fact that she looked like hell, standing here at the edge of the abyss, eyes puffy with tears and her breath smelling of nicotine. She wiped her eyes quickly on one sleeve as she stepped forward to greet the detectives.
Fin exited on the passenger's side, closest to her. Despite the grim reason for their meeting, he appeared happy to see her and that hurt perhaps more than if he'd been cold towards her. Her exit of the SVU precinct had been abrupt, and to anyone who wasn't Olivia, without reason.
"Amanda." Fin said with a short smile. He reached out to squeeze her arm. "It's been awhile."
"I know," Amanda tried to smile, finding herself unable to keep eye contact. "Sorry about that. It's busy over here."
"Amanda…" Olivia's voice fractured their conversation and Amanda glanced up to see the lieutenant rounding the car. Her hair was longer than Amanda remembered, but her eyes were no less searing, even as they held the softest light. Her graceful stride carried her around the car and Amanda watched her with a palpitating heart. Her limbs were tense, holding her frozen next to Fin. Her stomach fluttered, as if to warn her that Olivia's presence was near. She hasn't lived with this feeling for six months and now she wondered how she had managed with it every single day.
"Thank you for agreeing to stay on." She said as she reached her. "I appreciate it." Her tone was sincere and Amanda could almost hear the double meaning layered beneath the pleasantries. Despite Olivia's professional air, Amanda's heart thudded at the thought that she was actually pleased to see her. The last time she'd seen Olivia was the day she had turned in her notice of transfer. The pain in her commander's eyes in that moment still pierced her to this day.
"Of course." She nodded shortly, her throat threatening to fail her. "It's a mess down there."
Their eyes latched firmly for the first time and Amanda drew a sharp breath. She didn't know if she could handle the truth the lay in Olivia's gaze and she wasn't sure how she'd make it through this case.
"My partner should be back soon." She said, forcing her voice above a whisper.
"Good," Olivia replied, "Let's get on down there, Fin." She headed towards the ditch, her hair and blazer waving through the breeze that her stride created. Amanda watched her go, her eyes trailing down the length of Olivia's retreating figure. Her mouth felt dry like cotton, and her fingers still trembled.
"It really is good to see you, Amanda." Fin said. "Let me buy you a drink later, ok?"
Amanda nodded with glance in his direction. "For sure."
He followed after Olivia but Amanda was still watching the lieutenant disappear from her sight. Once they had both descended beyond her view Amanda breathed out. She snatched another smoke from her pack and lifted it to her lips with a shaking hand. A low hum had begun to permeate her body, one she knew all too well. Olivia had broken her heart, that was for damn sure, but it was the broken pieces of her that were suddenly floating up again, realigning with her heart.
"Captain's just fine with us staying out here." Jensen's return startled her and she worked quickly to rearrange her face in a manner which did not convey her unstable emotions.
She flicked her lighter, bringing the small flame up to the tip of her cigarette. "Sounds good." She said, crossing one arm over her stomach as if to push down the warm sensation swirling down there.
"Hey, are you ok?" Jensen asked, stepping close to her. His dark eyes studied her, too intensely for comfort.
"Yeah, Lieutenant Benson and Detective Tutuola just arrived. They already headed down." She said shortly, taking a quick drag of her cigarette.
Jensen nodded slowly. "Listen, Amanda," He said, cueing her defenses to rise. She knew him well enough to know when he was about to start prying. "I'm not asking you to tell me everything, but… it just seems like you're upset about more than just the case."
"Could you be any more nosy?" Amanda asked, attempting to sound irritated, however, her tone emitted in a thick and uneasy manner.
"You know I don't bullshit around." Jensen said, clearly unashamed. "You're my partner and I'm responsible for having your back. If you're unable to work with one of those two detectives for personal reasons, you need to tell me now."
"No." Amanda pulled back in disgust. She realized she reacted much too quickly for Jensen to buy it, but she couldn't help the involuntary defensiveness that rose to her voice.
Jensen raised his brows and folded his arms. "Look, I've realized since day one with you that it takes a hell of a lot longer than six months for you to trust someone but you were with SVU for five years."
"Are you trying to say something to me, D'Mazhio?" Amanda snapped, rearing up in his face. She could feel heat rising to cheeks, but she knew it was out of embarrassment rather than indignation.
"Yes." He replied in a slow, even tone. "You're up here smoking half a pack of cigarettes while we've got a half a dozen kids lying dead in a ditch." He stabbed a finger down towards the crime scene and his black eyes flashed. "This isn't the detective I know. You may not trust me, but I've had your back since the moment you walked into Homicide and I've never seen you this way."
"You don't know me." Amanda scoffed, throwing her cigarette to the ground and stomping on it. Her eyes burned but she refused to shed any more tears on her own behalf on this day. D'Mazhio was right. These dead children were more important than her feelings right now. She couldn't allow herself to be swept away by her feelings towards Olivia. She had to get it together for the sake of the victims. Of course, that wouldn't stop her from defending herself against Jensen's accusations.
"Maybe I don't know everything." Jensen replied, his voice quieting, "but I know you're a damn good detective."
Amanda licked her lips and turned away from him, back towards the crime scene. "Yeah, whatever," She murmured, "Let's just get back to work."
She heard Jensen release a long sigh but she was already making her way back down the incline. The last thing she needed was for Jensen to get involved with her personal life. He didn't need to know about Olivia. They'd work this one single case together, and then everything could return to normal. If she believed strongly enough, she could almost convince herself.
When they made it back down to the crime scene, Amanda could see Olivia and Fin speaking with Rodgers next to the original body. She gathered a deep breath as each step took her closer. She felt like she needed a whole suit of emotional armour every time she came within ten feet of Olivia. It was going to be a hell of a long case.
Jensen strode up beside her, and overtook her just as they reached the other two detectives, putting his body between her and Olivia. "Lieutenant Benson," He stuck out his hand, "Jensen D'Mazhio, Amanda's partner."
"Nice to meet you." Olivia shook his hand with a brief smile. Amanda ground her back teeth and crossed her arms. If Jensen knew the whole story he wouldn't be so respectful of her former commander, but then again, she couldn't have it both ways. She either disclosed to him for her own commiseration purposes or she kept him in the dark in order to keep her pride intact.
Fin and Jensen exchanged pleasantries before Jensen turned to Rodgers, "Anything more you can tell us?"
"I did four years as SVU ME," Rodgers replied, "and I've seen a hell of a lot in Homicide, but this..."
"What is it?" Amanda asked, shouldering around Jensen.
"Look at this," Olivia stepped forward to kneel beside the body. She lifted the child's small hand and pointed to the fingers, "Her fingernails are painted."
"So?" Amanda said, "She's a little girl."
"Its fresh." Olivia said, "I don't know about you, but when I was this young, the polish I used was cheap, from the drug store. It would chip off in a matter of days. Not to mention, my mother would never have allowed me to wear crimson nail polish at six."
Amanda knelt down as well, taking a closer look. She swallowed hard as she studied the tiny nails, meticulously painted in dark red. There was hardly a scratch on them. She glanced over at Olivia, finding her a mere foot away. Olivia held her gaze for only a moment before she turned her eyes back to the body.
"Now look at her hair." She reached a gloved hand up to the little girl's head. "Her hair was dyed. The roots are dark, but it's been dyed blonde."
"And it's braided." Amanda murmured, lifting one tail of a hair. There wasn't a hair out of place.
"When I got here," Rodgers said, "She was covered in branches and leaves and she was laid out straight on her back with her arms to her sides."
"He cared about her." Fin added.
"But look what he did to her." Jensen said. "Aside from her head and hands, she's completely cut up. That's rage."
"She didn't live up to his expectations." Olivia said, laying the girl's hand down and sinking back on her heels. "He tried to mold her to his fantasy, but she's not what he really wanted."
Amanda's heart stung and she realized she'd become far too focused on Olivia, rather than the crime scene. Hearing that explanation, coming from Olivia's mouth, made Amanda's brain race. She knew that she and Olivia hadn't worked out for several reasons, but maybe she'd never had a chance. Maybe she'd never been what Olivia wanted.
"Then who is?" Jensen's question echoed without response across the ravine.
Not me...I'm no one. Amanda lowered her head and squeezed her eyes shut for a moment against the raging agony inside her. She could still taste the cigarette on her lips and she felt like she needed another. She was standing over a dead child and all she could think of was herself. Maybe she should just throw her shield down to it's grave along with this little girl.
Silence fell over the group of solemn detectives for a long moment before Amanda asked quietly, "What's the body count at?"
"Seven so far." Rodgers replied. "The last one they found is severely decomposed."
"He's been doing this for years." Olivia shook her head and rose to her feet.
"Let's just hope he was dumb enough to leave DNA at some point." Fin said. "He's gotten away with it for this long. Maybe he's confident enough to think he won't get caught."
"Or his DNA isn't even on file." Amanda added, hollowly. "He's been smart enough to get this far."
"Yeah, but he left all his eggs in one basket." Jensen gestured out towards the surrounding woods. "He just left her under some leaves? Why not bury her?"
"He could be planning on returning to visit." Olivia suggested.
"This guy seems more like the type to be on to his next victim." Amanda said, straightening. "He left her here with the others because she didn't satisfy him. Why would he come back?"
"Guilt...Remorse…." Olivia said, quietly, causing Amanda to glance over at her strained, focused expression. The wind carried strands of her hair up about her cheeks and jaw, nearly whipping her eyes from Amanda's sight. Amanda's heart squeezed at the emotion lying in the other woman's gaze. She couldn't help but wonder if Olivia's was connecting the same feelings in this moment as Amanda was.
Olivia cleared her throat, and the saddened expression slipped back beneath a veneer of control. "This vic represents a real child," She stated," one he obviously cares for."
"How do we know she isn't already dead as well?" Jensen asked.
"We hope she isn't one of them." Fin offered the bleak, fleeting chance.
"It's going to take Warner a while to get through these autopsies." Olivia said. "In the meantime, we need to find this child's parents and any others that are recognizable."
"Do you want to reach out to the media?" Jensen asked.
"Not yet." Olivia replied. "I want to schedule a detail on the site tonight in case he returns."
"I'll sit on it." Amanda immediately volunteered. She felt guilty for thinking so selfishly and perhaps catching this perp would make her feel better about herself, not to mention, sever her involvement with SVU again.
"As will I." Olivia stated.
"Wait." Amanda resisted swiftly, her heart dropping to her stomach. She hasn't expected Olivia to suggest them partnering up. "With all due respect, Lieutenant, I already have a partner."
Wind whistled softly through the trees, and even a bird chirped in the silence that felt over the circle of detectives.
Olivia raised her brows and snapped her gloves off of her hands as she said, "I thought you wanted to stay on this case, Rollins."
"It's fine, Amanda." Jensen stepped in, ever the mediator, and laid a hand on her arm. "Detective Tutuola and I can search for the parents."
Amanda glanced over him, and he locked eyes with her, quietly urging her to follow along. She knew they all wanted this guy but it was hard to imagine surviving the night in a small, dark place next to Olivia.
"Fine." Amanda replied, curtly, at last before she turned and left the group. She needed to get the fuck away from Olivia before she did something irrational. With the way her emotions were swinging, she wasn't sure whether she wanted to hurt her or kiss her. Neither was wise, both could land her on suspension, or worse, unemployment.
She heard footsteps behind her and when she turned, she wasn't sure if she was relieved or not to see Jensen.
"Amanda!" He caught up to her and grabbed her arm to pull her angry strides to a halt.
"What?" She asked, yanking her arm away.
"What's going on here?" He questioned, his expression a mixture of concern and befuddlement.
"None of your business, D'Mazhio." She folded her arms.
"I've seen you get fired up about a case but I've never seen you back talk a lieutenant." He pointed a finger back towards Olivia. His righteous indignation didn't faze her. She knew he was by the book but her respect did not extend to Olivia, only her desires. That in and of itself was reason enough to recuse herself from the case. Then again, if Olivia really was such a renowned lieutenant of the NYPD she would've never asked Amanda to work with her in the first place. It shouldn't have fallen to Amanda to make the right decision - again.
"Well, obviously, you don't know me as well as you think you do." Amanda responded, her voice rising and quivering. "That shit was part of my daily routine at SVU, okay?!"
Jensen seemed taken aback, his brow drawing tight. Amanda cursed quietly, realizing she'd said too much.
"Just forget it, okay?" She murmured, rubbing her fingers against her aching forehead.
"It was her the whole time..." Jensen said, quietly. His tone was apologetic but it pierced her heart more deeply than his anger could've.
"I don't know what you're talking about." She whispered, fighting against the sting of tears in her eyes.
"I'm not blind or stupid, Amanda." Jensen returned. "I'm a detective. It's my job to uncover people's darkest secrets."
She felt his hand on her arm, rubbing gently. She turned away from him, refusing to accept his tenderness. She didn't need him to understand or to offer comfort.
"I'm not a suspect." She replied, wiping her eyes with one hand. "So stop digging." She stepped away from him quickly and headed up the edge of the incline. She had to save her strength for the night. She couldn't continue to expend her emotional energy on pointless conversations.
The sun beat down upon her tear stained face as she climbed upwards. She lifted her face to the warmth, knowing that when the night came, she would long for light of the sun again and again.