"Guilt is really the reverse side of the coin of pride. Guilt aims at self-destruction, and pride aims at the destruction of others."–Bill Wilson
For a moment it's okay to smile. The background noise helps, clinking and heavy voices anchor me in the part I need to play. For a moment. It might only be a moment.
Ten years ago—in the flurry of this moment—I had forgotten him. I hadn't liked him when I was eight anyway. He took the attention owed to me. They fawned over him, cooing, laughing, smiling. I was looked upon with contempt. He didn't possess the intelligence I did, he was a thoughtless infant, but somehow he garnered more attention. Even to this day he had that attention. Family. More family than one person deserved.
As far as I knew, they never attempted to reunite us after the accident. They knew the likelihood that I would be adopted was low. But he, being only six months old, would be something of a commodity. Mrs. Dove would have happily taken us both if she had known. Thankfully, that was not the case.
Having power changes everything. It changes your point of view. It makes you forget the little people and remember yourself. It perverts most—if not all—who stumble upon it. The control, the power that I have found for myself is different. Different in one respect; I have made it for myself. It wasn't by chance or coincidence, I deserve my vengeance because I have worked and worked.
Dimitri is petty. A time machine? The past is gone. While he dwells on what has been, I inject myself into the future—you fools! What could come out of a time machine? I can't even imagine! Dimitri has nothing compared to the brilliance of my plan. I've worked directly under his nose and if he had bothered to look up for a simple second...!
Nothing will change if we are to ask politely. I intend to raze London for the purpose of REBIRTH. No one understands that sacrifices must be made. It is not a choice, it is an obligation to king and country! Selfish notions weigh on everyone. "What if I am hurt?" Anyone who wouldn't make such a minuscule sacrifice for the greater good is WEAK. How many more lives will be lost unjustly is society is allowed to continue on as this? There is a way to regulate it! People have to die—it will happen, for a greater good!
It will happen!
I WILL make it HAPPEN
Not simply for revenge. For hope as well—for the FUTURE. Our corrupt state of politics has come to be worse than disgraceful. The any price paid in lives is worth rectifying this.
A hundred times over I've lost sleep, debating morality and fighting with myself. I read often to take my mind from it. I've counted the shadows the slatted blinds cast down on the hardwood floor. I've sat for hours with my face pressed to the window, watching both London and the underground reproduction. At first, I thought a change of scenery might ease me into sleep.
I've come to prefer it underground. The constant backlit glow, the warm haze. The house where I stay is continuously air-conditioned. Stepping outside after a long night is like settling into a warm bath. Coming home after a day of work is refreshing, like the salvation a glass of water brings to a parched man...
There's something to be said about being madly driven. Happiness, satisfaction, relief, so far out of reach. Dimitri may be the only one who understands this as I do.
Disassociation. Playing a role.
This is easy. I'd forgotten that, of all things. I'd forgotten how much easier it is to pretend you are someone carefree, someone with a light state of mind.
This is how I figure him to be, at the very least. It's the vigour, the eagerness for everything and anything. He's a carbon copy of myself at that age. I have a hard time admitting it in my thoughts, but when it comes down to it, it will turn out to be simple.
There's something about playing a part. I receive his adoration.
When I reveal myself I'll anticipate his reaction—his shock and disbelief. Why? I need to make it real. Maybe I can't admit it to myself yet because I don't believe it. But, when I speak it aloud...
The jealousy, the selfishness.
I deserve attention just as much as he does.
If not more.
He has everything! Everything in excess!
A waste! A travesty, the whole earth!
None of this sickness should even exist! The disgust, the contempt I feel! The self control... I have self-control.
I want nothing more than to tear Dimitri's foolish attempt at justice, or whatever he might claim it to be, apart. A time machine, a work of science fiction will fix nothing! For a scientist he is a stupid, single-minded man! But I resist. For good reason, as it were. The time will come eventually. Eventually everything will be solved ,perhaps even on parity.
So many understand so little. So many more understand nothing.
I posses self control.
Charisma.
Genius.
Patience.
I don't need the attention. I've come so far on my own, I could continue as such. Alone, which has always been the most effective way of going about business. I don't need what was taken from me—but I do need to right the injustice.
Why has it come to be that he has taken everything from me? Everything that was once mine! Our parents—he discarded them and was allowed another pair, to keep, and in addition to this, friends—the one person who protected me when I needed it most!
How could happenstance be so cruel to take everything from me in such a manner? There is nothing worse that could have been done.
I'm trapped in hell. The only worst-case scenario I could have imagined. Hell. This whole city is the hell I've built for myself. Mine. The one thing that belongs solely to me.
They've ventured into my domain. I've rehearsed my part. I've managed to forget Clive. I'm him, now, ten years from the future. Luke from the future.
As long as I'm Luke from the future, it's okay to smile. I do.
It begins.
Hullo everyone! I really appreciate all of the reviews, you guys are the best. As Clive has informed us, the next chapter truly kicks things off. Cue the plot! (But don't get too excited, there's more rambling too.)