Dear readers! Here is the update! It took me a little longer than expected. The next update will be faster! I hope you enjoy this chapter. The italics are flashbacks and also they isn't anything graphic in them. Just a heads up. Enjoy! Thank you for the follows! :D

I'm back on the train that bought me to the Capitol all that time ago. The train was filled with more food than I've ever seen in my whole life. The amount of food could have feed my family for months or Katniss' for even longer. There were things I've never seen let alone tasted before. I don't even know what some of the things were, but they looked delicious. There were such grand dishes with ingredients from all over the districts.

I remember the smell of all those dishes infusing together. I was captivated. My eyes glided over them taking in the arrangements, the ingredients, the smell of the dishes. It was like being transported into another world. A feast fit for a king except that I was a peasant who was heading for the slaughter.

Now once again surrounded by the same. It's as if all the smells they bring me back and I feel something tighten, build up, and knot inside me.

I'm trapped behind a door. Katniss' laugh rings loud. It echoes against the fancy decorated walls of the train. I can't get out and it makes my heart thump against my chest. It's as if her hunter's senses hear it and the laughter gets louder. Everything glistens. Their eyes, the rim of Haymitch's glass, the bracelet around on his wrist and Katniss' teeth.

My head hurts. Not real, not real. I collapse onto the sofa.

They're sitting together on the opposite sides of this exact sofa laughing at me, conspiring together, scheming. I'm still in that room with the door locked. No matter how much I keep trying the door handle it's all the same. I push at it but it doesn't move. I hit it hard with my hands but nothing happens. Nobody comes. I collapse onto the floor in my own tears, a puddle of my tears.

I feel the movement of the train under my feet. I need to focus. I need to focus on that. Get myself back.

As I return to the room and my eyes come into focus I see the face of a young man peering at me. I see recognition flash across his eyes. He knows who I'm. He's seen the things I've done. I don't see hate in his eyes but worry is etched across his youthful features. He's worried about me.

I wave off his apology with my hand. "Nothing to worry about. Not all at. Even though I'm a victor…only because someone helped me." I still as I recognise the words. These words. I've heard them before. They are Katniss' words. I smile. Of course it's true.

I clear my throat. "If I could just have some water that'll be great."

He nods and hurries away from me. I exhale deeply. I wonder what would happen to him if something happened to me on his watch. I can imagine the capitol headlines. Avox leaves Victor Mellark dying. Avox watches on as Victor Mellark struggles for his life. All fabricated, but the capitol people would be so riled up that if they knew who he was they would stone him, collectively stone him to death probably.

We are no longer in that world. I need to remember. How do I keep forgetting these fundamental things? The worlds changed. Snow is dead. Katniss is alive. I'm alive. There are no more games. No more children who'll be reaped, no more children will die. I need to remember.

The Avox reappears with the glass of water.

"Thank you." I manage. He nods and excuses himself.

I'm glad to be left on my own really. I don't feel like being sociable in the least. It's been too long I've been kept under guard and under observation for all this time. I can't remember the last time I was alone without the eyes of doctors and therapists on me. It has to be weeks, no maybe months. The latter is probably true I guess. I had no way to mark time and I don't think I was really supposed to. I was taking things one day at a time. Even if they had told me it wouldn't have made any difference to me expect to wonder about what was going on outside which was the last thing Dr. Aurelius wanted me to do.

I think back to what he said about triggers from the different emotional ebbs I'll experience now I'm heading home. It's inevitable. The important thing is to realise that whatever memory is triggered it's most likely not real, twisted in some way, not in it's true pure form. I guess like the memory of Haymitch and Katniss laughing. I know it's false. For one I know that they were both protecting me. Haymitch was fair. He never took just my side or just hers when it came to it. Expect when I asked him. When I asked him to save her, save her every time instead of me. The other thing is those two they aren't ones for laughter. Scowling was their thing.

I know the flashback it's all a manifestation. A manifestation of the fear, my ultimate fear which is Katniss leaving me, being unwanted, silenced. It took me a while to get to the root of it now that I think of it I wonder why maybe I didn't want to face the truth.

I feel tired. I can't stand on my feet. My head is swaying. They wouldn't laugh at me. We were a team. We are, we are. I know they wouldn't. Haymitch looked out for us both. He did the best he could with the odds. I wonder how he's been these past few months. I bet drunk as usual sleeping with his knife. He's trying to forget all that's happened. How ironic he's trying to forget while I'm trying so very hard to remember even some of the smallest things.

I'm exhausted. The best thing would be to lie down. The couch looks very comfortable. No not on the coach. It'll stay clear of the couch. My mind is clouded enough without the false vision. I think it'll go to my room, crawl under the covers and try to put together all the fragmented parts of me.

I'm a baker, painter, a victor, a tribute, a friend, a son, a sacrifice, a pawn and I was hijacked. I'm someone who's broken. This is who I'm now. The world changed but so did I. I changed even if didn't want it or ask for it. I down the water and set the cup on the table. The mahogany table. There's something about this table but it doesn't come to the surface. I feel it somewhere clogged in my mind, I hope it comes to me.

I eye some of the glazed doughnuts with colourful sprinkles but my stomach heaves at the sight of them though they look delicious. Maybe latter I'll be ok to have one. They look so delicious. It's been such a long since I've had such calorie loaded goods. I miss it.

I have no trouble getting to my room and into the bathroom. I wash my face at the sink and I see my face reflected in the mirror. The water drops running down and dripping of skin. I realise for the first time how clammy I'm. Your ok Peeta. Your doing great. One step at a time. Baby steps. I fiddle with the settings on the shower, undress quickly, and get in. The water feels cold but it makes me alert. A sense of clarity comes to me followed by relief, a great sense of relief that, I haven't completely lost myself.

I expect the drawers to be empty, but they aren't to my surprise there's several outfits in each. I bet its Effies doing since Portia can't have made these. It's too early to remember and too raw for me to separate who she was from the way she death. I push myself toward and somehow manage to put the pyjamas on without tangling or injuring myself. Another relief, no matter how small, it's a little victory. The pyjamas are soft and comforting.

I eye the bed wearily. I wonder what nightmares real or unreal await me in sleep. The craving to lie down is too great and I crawl into the bed.

My mind is alert now. It's better alert than clouded by false visions.

I sigh. Everything I know is gone. Almost everyone I do know is gone. My family is gone, no matter how dysfunctional it was. I'm no longer the boy I used to be. This is my life now and I have to try to navigate it somehow. What I'm going to do? I have not idea what to expect from anything at all.

Back in the capitol I had an allotted time to watch the news, the updates on the war. Dr. Aurelius wanted me to stay in touch with the outside world so I knew what was going on. He couldn't let me go blind like that.

It was in one of those broadcasts I saw Prim's face. I saw Prim die, flames engulfed her and then there was no Prim. Just fire and death.

I walked out after, I retreated to my room and I drew her in all the different ways I remembered her as a sister, as a daughter, as a little girl, as a friend and a healer. Now gone from the world. Just gone.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have let Katniss die. I took her opportunity away. It was what she wanted. I stopped her. I intervened. I just couldn't. I couldn't let her go, couldn't face my life without her.

A world without her. A world she was gone from and I was left with Haymitch. It was just Haymitch and I.

She was the thing, the piece of string I held onto, just like Prim was hers. This isn't what we asked for but life doesn't give us a choice Dr. Aurelius said to me. There are choices we can make I retorted. He responded with yes of course but that's an entirely different matter. I think he knew what I was referring to. The fact that Katniss hasn't chosen to really be with me, she didn't choose to love me. She chose for it to be an act, all of it rather than love me. While she might have let me into her life it was a partial choice. Yet she chose to save me instead of killing me. She's made such choices again and again.

Just like that the memory comes to me. I open my eyes after I hit the force field and I see her eyes frantic. There are sobs rocking through her. I'd never seen her like that. In the tunnels her small hunter's fingers stroked my hair. We protect each other. I think I understand. I understand now that she didn't have time to think about choices. She couldn't, she had no time for choices. There was just get her family feed and surviving another day. Getting food to the table, feeding her family that's what her days consist of, surviving. There was no other way. Her family was everything to her. Not much like mine I think. I know I remember that right. We'll have a winner this year. But it wouldn't be you she might as well have said. It hurt all the same. The implication was clear.

I wonder how they would have felt at my return and all that's happened to me. Would they have gone on as before? Dad sneaked away sometimes. My brothers never visited me and just made awkward, mediocre conversation. When I was I the bakery I made small talk to keep the tension down. My winnings couldn't have them like Katniss' family. Money can't buy you love. Of course I know. No matter how much I gave I was always treated the same. It hurts. The realisation hurt. After I realised that I had never been loved like I should have. Dad loved me but he never tried to stop her. To do anything about it.

It wasn't my fault.

Now they are gone.

That wasn't my fault either.

Tears spill from my eyes and I don't try to wipe them away. I look over to the window and sunset is approaching. The glow of the sun is making the landscape glow like the embers of the fire. It's beautiful. I'm alive and heading home. It hits me I'm going home once after all. It really is a different world.

I'll draw this so I never forget it. I'll commit this train ride to my memory. I want to see the landscape, but I know the train is going to fast, so there's no point of bothering. My head sinks into the pillow.

I wonder if she ever looked at me? Did she ever like anything or any part of me? Why do those thoughts pop into my head? I think she did. What fact do I have for that? Well she wouldn't kill me. She wanted me to stay with her. She stroked my head. I flinched from her touch. It hurt. My heart wrenched inside my chest. I wanted to sob, but I just lay in her lap my body numb, with my heart devastated. A land of devastation. In Tigris' basement she took care of my wounds.

The girl I loved who I spent my days with but was never with her with. I was just there. I kissed her for the camera and I put my arms around her but she didn't want or chose that. She didn't love me. When I had dream about these things I had dreamt them to be real. I hadn't wanted it to be like that. I didn't want her to have to endure and accept my kisses. I also didn't want to give them like that. I held her so close, but she didn't want any of that and neither did I, not like that. It wasn't real because she didn't love me. I didn't want to kiss her like that. She didn't want any of that from me, didn't ask for it, except for the comfort at night. I spend all those days with her in such proximity to her, my heart loving her and holding her at night but knowing that she didn't want me, she didn't choice or return those feelings. It hurt. The knowing. I had just wanted her to love me. She walled herself off, she pulled away, and we didn't talk. She needed me but that's not the same as loving somebody. I know.

Down in the tunnels the moment she voluntarily touched me, put her hands on me and when she kissed me that was all her. She did something to my heart. Why did she kiss me? Was it out of need, desperation? If so why did she feel those in the first place? I'm not sure. I don't know.

Why didn't I let her take the night lock? Why did I stop her from existing this world forever?

I couldn't. I couldn't because I love her. I love her.

I feel a memory floating around my mind, but I'm drifting. My eyes are closing. The covers feel so soft, and so comforting. She's still alive I think as sleep takes me away.

The sun streams in through the window. Katniss is in bed head. I'm drawing in a book. We are happy. I feel her eyes on me. She's watching me I realise. The realisation gives me a rush. My heart races. I pretend I can't notice because I don't want her to stop. I like it. The book it's her family's plant book. One of her few treasured possessions she has. I look at her and she looks away out of the window. I smile to myself. This is happiness.

I wake up short of breath and I remember everything. The peacekeepers, the chess game with Haymitch, Katniss arriving home late having hurt herself, the cover up story of Lad and the days we spend together during her recovery. That was one of my best days.

There was no choice then. Now she has one and I'll wonder what she'll choose.

Tomorrow I'll arrive home.

I hope. I have hope. I have hope for life even if it's tiny. I drift away into sleep again.

Nightmares of Katniss dying plague me. Haymitch holds her lifeless in his arms. Nothing can be done. It's too late. She's gone.

I wake up clammy. I climb into the shower with the pyjamas and let the cold water run over me.

I have hope. I lean my head against the wall. I have hope.