The warriors from the two periods of history arrived on the island of Tanginiki with little clue of what was going on. All except one. Zuo Ci, the famous mystic, crept off to a nearby area of the forest, where a cluster of tents were pitched, while the rest of the group did the usual "Where the heck am I?" routine. In the centre of the tents, Da Ji and Orochi were having a furious argument!
"… well, I thought a TV series would be more profitable!"
"Screw that! I just wanted to fight them to find out whose best!" Orochi was fuming. His huge scythe was being held rather close to Da Ji's neck.
"But Orochi…" said Da Ji in her most winning voice. "Think of all the money… and you could have half of it if you help me film these warriors…" she batted her eyelids appealingly. The serpent king looked around thoughtfully.
"As long as there can be fighting." He decided finally. "Swish, swish, splat!" he giggled, like a school child, before grinning at Da Ji. "You have yourself a deal!" Zuo Ci slunk back off to the clearing in the island's dense forest, to inform his colleagues of Da Ji's evil plan.
General pandemonium ruled in the clearing, as warriors yelled at each other, women slapped each other, and strategists delivered carefully considered insults to each other. Zuo Ci waved his hand for silence. When this failed to work, he shot a small rain of shooting stars into the sky, causing everyone to look around, and Xu Zhu to mutter
"Ooh, purty!" Zuo Ci rolled his eyes.
"Listen, warriors of the greatest periods of history…" a roar shook the clearing as the warriors shouted their approval. "We have been brought here by a cunning and evil plan." There was then much booing, and everyone joined in, except for Sima Yi, who said,
"I like cunning and evil plans." Cao Cao slapped him over the head, and Zuo Ci continued.
"So, I would like no-one to fight! This way, we can get off this island as soon as possible." Silence. Not a sound.
"Screw that rule!" Bellowed Lu Bu, who then punched Dian Wei in the face. As the bald warrior crumpled and a roar of protest rose from the clearing, Zuo Ci withdrew from the clearing, shaking his head. Why did no one listen to him?
It took a while for the characters to get organised into camps. Soon their were five dotted around the island: the Shu camp by the river, the Wu camp in the caves, the Wei camp in the shrubs, the Samurai Warriors camp on the plains, and the Other camp, in the deep forest. Everyone was organised into these camps, except for Zuo Ci, who slept on his own somewhere by the island cliffs. A few hours passed. And nothing happened of interest, after the premature demise of Dian Wei, the punch of Lu Bu having hampered his mental capacity somewhat, and leading to him wandering off the cliffs. Orochi, thoroughly bored with proceedings, decided to stir things up a bit. The island tannoy system rang out with the Serpent King's voice.
"Can Lu Bu and Tadakatsu Honda please come to the Other camp. Thank you!"
Both warriors soon stood in the entrance of Orochi's tents, sizing each other up, and leaning on their spears; Lu Bu on his Sky Piercer and Tadakatsu on his Splitting Spear. They stared each other down for a few minutes, until Lu Bu said, in a measured voice:
"My spear is bigger than your spear." Tadakatsu looked extremely affronted.
"No it isn't! My spear is way bigger than your spear!" Lu Bu grinned at the easiness at which his opponent was being riled.
"Yeah, right. Horn head."
"Look who's talking, feather boy!" It was Lu Bu's turn to roar.
"MY SPEAR!"
"MY SPEAR!"
"My spear…"
"Enough!!" Orochi burst out of his tent to see what the entire row was about. When he realised it was Lu Bu and Tadakatsu, he calmed down. "Ah, boys."
"Yes, Mister Orochi?" Said Lu Bu and Tadakatsu together, stepping on each other's feet.
"I want you boys to stir up a bit of trouble." Both men looked blank. "You know, kill someone!"
"Oh, I gotcha, sir!" Said Tadakatsu happily. Lu Bu still looked blank. Orochi rolled his eyes and re-entered his tent. Tadakatsu strolled off, with Lu Bu in hot pursuit.
In the Samurai Warriors camp, the two great warriors were not needed to stir up trouble. Sima Yi had arrived at the gates with a cunning plan. He entered, and walked over to a man he recognized to be Nobunaga Oda, the demon king. He was talking to two other men: Mitsuhide Akechi and Hideyoshi Toyotomi. Sima Yi coughed.
"Excuse me?" he said sweetly.
"Yes!" Said Hideyoshi, in a lisping, whining, nerd voice.
"Shut up!" hissed Mitsuhide, while Nobunaga said,
"Yes," in his monotone voice.
"Well, I heard you were evil…"
"Yes," said Nobunaga
"… and I wondered if I could challenge you to… an EVIL LAUGHTER CONTEST!" Sima Yi demonstrated his finest evil laugh. Nobunaga's eyes gleamed at the thought of some competition.
"Very well…" he said.
Meanwhile, Mitsunari Ishida was strolling through the forest near the Shu camp. He promptly bumped into Zhuge Liang. Finally, he thought, a chance for me to stretch my annoying muscle.
"Greetings to you, oh great loser of Northern Campaigns!" Zhuge Liang raised an eyebrow. Yue Ying arrived to stand beside him.
"And to you, oh mucker-upper of the Seikigahara," replied Zhuge Liang, smoothly.
"Oh, that is low." Said Mitsunari smugly. "Coming from the man who only one battles because of his ugly man wife!" The insult to her beauty apparently lost on Yue Ying, she only heard Mitsunari's complement.
"Why, thank you." She said sweetly. Zhuge Liang's face went grey, and he stormed off. As Yue Ying hurried after him, Mitsunari smiled.
"Oooh, I think I touched a nerve there."
Tadakatsu found a camp. It took him a while, and he had to wade across a few rivers, but he had apparently lost Lu Bu, and that could only be a good thing. Two men were sitting lazily in front of a strange grey box. Tadakatsu crept up behind them and raised his spear above his head. The two men were Zhang Fei and Guan Yu, and they were so deep in conversation, they did not notice Tadakatsu creeping up behind them.
"Apparently," Guan Yu was saying, this strange grey box lets us watch moving pictures!"
"Wow!" exclaimed Zhang Fei. "Let's try it out." Tadakatsu chortled. This is easy, he thought. Mister Orochi would be very pleased with him. Guan Yu pressed the 'On' button to the TV. Immediately, a strange voice sang:
"OOOOh…
Who lives in a Pineapple under the sea!"
Another set of voices yelled out:
"Sponge bob Square pants!"And so it continued.
"Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!""Sponge bob Square pants!"
"Let's change channel…" Said Guan Yu. Zhang Fei nodded dumbly, apparently transfixed by the antics of the small yellow creature on the front of the grey box, as was Tadakatsu. Guan Yu pressed another button.
"I Love you!" Sang a voice.
"You love me, we're best friends as friends as friends could be, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me to…" Guan Yu and Zhang Fei looked away from the purple dinosaur on screen, and said, simultaneously:
"Awwwww". Tadakatsu made a puking noise, and neatly lopped both their heads off with one stroke of his spear.
Meanwhile, in the Samurai Warriors camp, Sima Yi and Nobunaga were preparing for their evil laugh contest.
"Mitsuhide will be the referee." Nobunaga was saying as they sat down on opposite sides of a table. "When he says someone wins, his decision is final."
"Very well…" said Sima Yi.
"Nobunaga will start." Declared Mitsuhide.
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" hollered Nobunaga, before stopping abruptly and looking across at Sima Yi, who replied in kind. And so it went on, a small crowd of onlookers gathering, and observing the game as if it were a Tennis match. Nobunaga gave a mighty laugh, which lasted for the best part of two minutes. The small drawback was that his head exploded as soon as he tried to draw breath. Sima Yi gave a roar of triumph.
"Why did you stop?" asked Mitsuhide.
"Uh, well, isn't it customary to stop if your opponent's sorta… dead?" Sima Yi enquired.
"Not in my country." Mitsuhide snapped.
"Screw that." Said Sima Yi. "I submit." And with that he left. Then Mitsuhide realized what Sima Yi had just done.
"Bugger! He killed out leader!"
Lu Bu also found a camp. A bigger one, he betted, than what Tadakatsu could find. But before he could do anything, a weird looking dude in yellow robes with a scraggly beard leapt out in front of him and bellowed:
"Learn about the Way of Peeeacce!" Lu Bu looked at him quizzically.
"I don't want to know what way you piss, beardy dude." He said, promptly.
"Not the way of piss, you fool!" Said Zhang Jiao. "The Way of Peace!"
"That's what you said last time. The way of piss. And I'm not interested. Now get out of the way before I knock your block off." Lu Bu said, raising his halberd threateningly. Zhang Jiao, seeing his point, scampered off. Lu Bu then wandered off, looking for someone to kill.
Zhao Yun was in hysterics, and Guan Ping was doing his best to calm him down.
"My Lord Liu Bei is dead!" sobbed Zhao Yun.
"No, he's not." Said Guan Ping. "He's done by the river, having a slash."
"Then why do both his sworn brothers lie fallen?" wailed Zhao Yun, drawing a few stares."
"Because some mad person with a horned helmet chopped their heads off." Zhao Yun sobbed all the harder. "Look, stop it!" Said Guan Ping, desperately, as Zhao Yun flung his arms around his waist. "You carry on like this, and people will think I'm gay, too!" Zhao Yun kept crying, so Guan Ping merrily sliced him open with his huge sword, the Flying Dragon. As Zhao Yun slumped to the ground, a guy with a huge fan walked past. Mitsunari observed the dying man with little interest. Then he began to put a plan he'd just hatched into practice.
"I killed your strategist!" He yelled at Guan Ping. Ping looked up, and, noticing the huge fan, he realised this must be who Zhuge Liang had been when he'd said some reject who'd insulted his manhood. Guan Ping slotted him behind, raising his sword to get some revenge, when suddenly, the ground fell out from under his feet.
"Ooowww." Moaned Guan Ping.
"Nice walking into a pit, loser." Said Mitsunari. "Smell ya later."
Lu Bu strolled into the Wei camp. It was quiet; only one person was visible, and he was short, fat and had a buckler strapped to one arm. Lu Bu slipped his Sky Piercer onto his arm and walked up to the man.
"Hi." He said.
Cao Ren looked up. "Arrgh!" He yelled, jumping about a foot in the air. "It's the mighty Lu Bu!" Lu Bu looked annoyed.
"Hey, that's my line!" And he sent Cao Ren flying with a single flick of the Sky Piercer.
"Ow, my face." Moaned Cao Ren.
"Oh, stop being such a baby!" Yelled Lu Bu, walked over, and impaled him. "Now you can cry!" Cao Ren, however, had no life to cry with. "Mission accomplished!" Lu Bu grinned, and he strode off to tell Orochi the good news.
Liu Bei returned from relieving himself to a very quiet camp. Only Huang Zhong, sitting in a rocking chair, and rocking feverishly, and Jiang Wei were present. Jiang Wei has looking down a hole. A gravely voice said.
"Don't… jump… gayboy…" It said.
"I heard that, you twit!" Yelled Jiang Wei, before jumping into the hole. A few gurgling sounds drifted up to Liu Bei. Then:
"Bugger." Liu Bei walked over to Huang Zhong.
"Huang Zhong?"
"Yes, youngster!" Said Huang Zhong, merrily.
"What's going on?" Huang Zhong took a deep breath.
"I'm not sure how it started, but everyone began jumping into that pit, 'cept Zhuge Liang, Guan Yu, Zhang Fei and Zhao Yun, and they're all dead anyway." Liu Bei absorbed this in silence.
"So… why aren't you jumping into the pit?"
"Oh, my arthritis is awful. I can't move a muscle!" Liu Bei nodded.
"Uh-huh? And then why are you talking?" A muscled jumped in Huang Zhong's jaw.
"It doesn't extend to my mouth."
"Why are you rocking then?"
"Uh…" Huang Zhong mumbled. "Time to make my getaway!" He sprang up, grabbed a walking stick and hobbled off. Liu Bei walked after him.
"You're just an old fraud, aren't you?" Huang Zhong's head wobbled.
"Maybe…"
Mitsunari Ishida was having a lot of cunning plans for one day. He shared his latest creation with his good friend, Sakon Shima.
"So, Sakon." Said Mitsunari. He was standing by a pile of timber atop the Island Cliffs. "Let's run through the plan one more time."
"If you say so, Mitsubishi!" Mitsunari looked shocked.
"What do you mean, Sakon?"
"Nothing, Mitsubishi. Carry on." Mitsunari rolled his eyes and carried on.
"So, we light the fire, hide in the bushes, wait for the Wu fire zombies to appear, and then push them all off the cliffs."
"Or wait for them to walk into the fire." Sakon added.
"Yeah." Mitsunari said. "That too." Unfortunately for the plotters, someone had heard them. Lu Meng, concealing a smile, snuck off from his hiding place to notify his fellow strategists, Zhou Yu and Lu Xun, that it was time to fight fire with fire. Literally.
As the sky darkened, Mitsunari and Sakon lit the fire.
"Hide, Mitsubishi!" yelled Sakon, as he dived into a bush. Mitsunari joined him, still at a loss to why Sakon was calling him Mitsubishi. They waited, breathless for a few moments. Then slowly, a small voice said:
"Fiiiirrrree…" Sakon gave Mitsunari the thumbs up.
"Great work, Mitsubishi."
"Stop calling me that!" Hissed Mitsunari, as three figures appeared. They moaned again.
"Fiiiirrrree…" They drew closer to the fire. And all three of them somehow produced unlit torches.
"What the…?" Asked Sakon, a bit to loudly. All three of them plunged the torches into the fire. And hurled them at the bush where Sakon and Mitsunari were concealed.
"Oh, shit!" Yelled Mitsunari, on fire.
"Your plan sucks, Mitsubishi!" agreed Sakon, also on fire. Zhou Yu and Lu Meng hi-fived, but Lu Xun appeared to be unfinished.
"Fiiiirrrreee…" He moaned. "Fire purty."
"Lu Xun!" Chuckled Zhou Yu, flushed with success. "The ploy is over, now!"
"Fiiirrreeee!" Moaned Lu Xun, and he threw himself into the flames.
"Lu Xun, no!" Yelled Lu Meng.
"Bugger." Said Zhou Yu.
And so day one ended, and Orochi was pleased. The carnage had begun, and if he had anything to do with it, it was far from finished…
Watch out for Day 2- A Wonderful World
A/N: In answer to Silent Ninja: I planned to, but when I posted the intro I had not quite finished with this chapter. Then I had to do some coursework, so things all complicated. Still, hope you enjoy this all. Next update: sometime next week JT.