Spartan-1337 climbed out of the lifeboat, rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck. "So," he said looking around, "What's the next step?"

"Well," Kalmiya answered, "our options are a: stay here and have investigating Covenant forces find us, probably kill you, and experiment on me to find Earth..."

"How about 'fuck that, what else you got?' "

"...Or b: move into the hills, miss the patrol entirely, and head for the structures where the surviving marines land here in... five minutes."

"Sounds like fun. I'm gonna grab some ammo."

/-/

Once across the bridge, the Covenant ship Kalmiya had detected arrived as predicted, dropping off - "Wait," she said, "That can't be right."

"What can't be right?"

"The Covenant didn't deploy Brutes to Instillation 04. What are they doing here?"

Indeed, four mean-looking ape soldiers were sacking the lifeboat, ripping out bodies like angry surgeons. "That's a good question, Kelly. And it's one we have no answer to if we sit around watching 'em."

"Good point." She paused. "I hear gunfire over this ridge. Let's go."

/-/

Over said ridge, Sergeant Johnson and his platoon were pinned on a structure by a bunch of aliens: namely Brutes, Grunts, and Jackals. "Come on, you dumb apes!" Johnson yelled, chucking a grenade into their midst. "You want breakfast, you gotta catch it!"

"Finally!" 1337 yelled, racking the slide on his assault rifle. "It's ass-kicking time!"

As soon as he said it, every alien looked his way. "...Er... Okay, maybe I'll only kick half your asses." Another grenade. "...I guess it's all now." And another. "Okay, fuck this. Johnson, you kill-stealing dickwad!"

"Chief, you overgrown metal bastard!" Johnson called back. "How the hell are you, you lucky son of a bitch?"

"I've been better. What's going on?"

"We were calling for extraction. Then these gorillas started having their way with us. Good thing you were able to distract them."

"Yeah, glad to be part of the team. How about that evac? Any word?"

Johnson nodded. "ETA one minute."

"Well, that's not so -"

"That was ten minutes ago."

"There it is."

"We called another pelican after that, and she's due damn quick. Think you can help hold this position?"

"I might."

/-/

Almost two hours later, 1337 was out of ammo, punching the last Jackal's face in. "That," he panted, "was not... damn quick."

"Look," Kalmiya said, "five o' clock. More lifeboats coming in."

"This is Pelican Echo-Four-Nineteen," came the dropship pilot's voice over the radio, "Anybody readin' me?"

"Roger, Echo-419," Kalmiya responded. "We read you."

"It's damn good to hear your voice, Foehammer," 1337 breathed.

"Hey Chief! Kalmiya! Good to hear from ya."

"Foehammer, we need a big favor. If you could disengage your Warthog, Chief and I are gonna see if we can save some soldiers."

"Woah, woah," 1337 protested, giving up on correcting people. "When did I agree to this?"

"When you exited the lifeboat."

"Fuuuuck..."

Foehammer deployed her Warthog, allowing 1337 and a couple of straggling marines to climb in. After a minute of continuous driving, they came to a tunnel. "This cave isn't a natural formation," Kalmiya noted.

"Gee, Kelly, what tipped you off? Was it the flat metal walls or the little blinking lights?"

"I'm just saying it would be odd if this was here and it didn't lead someplace."

"And I'm just saying that it's fairly obvious this tunnel was made by someone."

/-/

"We're lost, aren't we?"

"We're not lost! We just..." 1337 looked around the portion of tunnel that seemed to go on for eternity. "...don't know where the exit is."

"Sir, if I may," one of the marines said, "I think we should pull over and ask for directions."

"A worthy request if not for two things. Number One: we don't know exactly where we're going, so it would be pointless to stop and ask. And Number Two: there's nobody here, so it would be pointless to stop and ask."

"Is that the exit?" the other asked.

"No."

"Because I think I see light that way -"

"Maybe."

/-/

"Fresh air!" the Spartan proclaimed. "Finally!"

"What's that?" Kalmiya said.

"...What's what?"

"That! The crashed lifeboat over there; let's go investigate."

"Okay! It's just that you can't point, so you need to not play the pronoun game every now and then."

"Whoops. Sorry."

The jeep rolled up to the lifeboat, and the first thing that hit 1337 was the odor of about a dozen dead bodies. "Woah, that's ripe!" He hopped out, immediately stepping on something long and metallic. He looked down, grinning at the rifle. "Hello, what's this?" He picked it up, enjoying its weight as he dusted it off. "I found a sniper rifle I wasn't even looking for. Take that, causality!"

"Does it work?"

"Of course it works. Look, the shit on my HUD comes on when I whip it out."

"I mean does it work after you stepped on it?"

He inspected the barrel and action, finding nothing abnormal. "It'll be fine. Just needs a good dusting and something to shoot at."

"How about the Banshee coming in on our four?" one marine suggested as the other began firing the Warthog's mounted turret. Said Banshee exploded momentarily after, coming to rest about twelve feet from the lifeboat. "...Never mind."

"Thanks, Jerry."

/-/

"Bang! ...Fuck. Bang! ...Fuck." 1337 continued to fire his new sniper rifle at the covenant forces at the base of the hill, missing more often than not. "Bang! ...Fuck."

"Maybe it would be better to use your assault rifle?" Kalmiya said. "I mean, I'd hate to insinuate that you're not a top-notch sniper and all..."

"Shut up Kelly." He fired again, actually managing to clip a Brute. "Yeah! Got one!"

"Congratulations. While you were doing that, the marines on the hill perforated an Elite and three Grunts."

"Just doing my part." The Spartan switched to his automatic rifle and charged. "Time to eat lead, zealots!" The five or so marines on the steppe lobbed grenades at the alien force, effectively decimating them. "Son of a bitch!"

"...That's convenient. Hey, 1337."

"What now? You gonna gloat that the real Master Chief would have destroyed this thing by now? Or maybe you're gonna tell me the location of Blackbeard's treasure hoard?" He paused. "...Is it the treasure hoard?"

"What?" She scoffed. "No, you dunderhead, I found the captain. While you've been... shooting... I've been searching the covenant BattleNet. They're holding Keyes on a cruiser not too far from here: the Truth and Reconciliation. We can make it there by nightfall, but we'll have to leave right now."

"Great. We're having a nighttime level." He climbed onto Foehammer's pelican, taking a seat and letting out a sigh. "Fan-fucking-tastic... Hey, Kelly? ...How do I take off my helmet?"

"You don't."

"Great..."